so we broke up...

[rosebud5446]

so last week, we decided it would be best if i moved out. and he said he just wanted to go back to friend status with me. i wasn't going to keep having sex with him, but i'm just too horny and he's just too good, so of course we still have sex. he is also incredibly sweet now, he compliments me all the time, and still does stuff for me. apparantly, he's even got this thing planned for me for valintines day and it's supposed to be really special and sweet. everytime he says he doesn't want to be with me or he wants space, he ends up being super sweet and stuff like 2 days later. why does he do this? everytime he tries to push me away, he just draws me in closer and it's confusing.

 

[SweetErika]

so last week, we decided it would be best if i moved out. and he said he just wanted to go back to friend status with me. i wasn't going to keep having sex with him, but i'm just too horny and he's just too good, so of course we still have sex. he is also incredibly sweet now, he compliments me all the time, and still does stuff for me. apparantly, he's even got this thing planned for me for valintines day and it's supposed to be really special and sweet. everytime he says he doesn't want to be with me or he wants space, he ends up being super sweet and stuff like 2 days later. why does he do this? everytime he tries to push me away, he just draws me in closer and it's confusing.

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out for you, Rosebud.

Of course your best bet is to ask him about the mixed signals, because all we can do is guess. What do you think would happen if you cut out all of the physical and romantic stuff? Do you think he'd stop "drawing you closer"?

 

[rosebud5446]

i don't know. i'm moving in a week, so i'm going to try to cut things off then. it's especially hard when we still live together and sleep in the same bed, not to mention i got on this new b.c. pill, and it's increasing my sex drive and made my boobs a bit bigger this past week so it's making my self esteem really high and want sex even more.

i think he would still do sweet things for me, because the day after we broke up, he told me that he still want's to do romantic stuff for me, because he had a dream he bought me flowers and it reminded him of how he loves to see me happy when he does stuff like that, and at that time, we were still under the impression we weren't going to sleep together anymore.

since we started having sex again, he's said he doesn't want to have sex with other girls. it's like he doesn't want the pressure of technically having a girlfriend, but he still wants to do all the stuff that comes with it. but he's lost his belly he put on while we were dating, and says stuff sometimes like he's trying to look good now that he's single, but he doesn't even want to go out and party or anything unless i go, so it's not like he's trying at all to meet or flirt with girls.

 

[Cathleen]

Rosebud, I'm sorry things have changed. But, I do have a thought about his behavior now that you are not living together. It could be the pressure is off him, maybe living together was more then he expected. Sometimes when we make a big change - take that risk - we find out we're not quite ready. So we step back, but with lessons learned about ourselves. The next risk will have more strength behind it.

Your description of his behavior now seems like the pressure was released and he is now able to breathe a little easier and be himself more... which sounds like a nice man. Maybe just going through this new change will result in more confidence if you two give it another shot.

I know for me when I've over shot my mark so to speak, I return to a position of comfort and confidence. Then my next attempt will have the benefit of those lessons learned.

Best wishes.

 

[Cathleen]

i don't know. i'm moving in a week, so i'm going to try to cut things off then. it's especially hard when we still live together and sleep in the same bed, not to mention i got on this new b.c. pill, and it's increasing my sex drive and made my boobs a bit bigger this past week so it's making my self esteem really high and want sex even more.

i think he would still do sweet things for me, because the day after we broke up, he told me that he still want's to do romantic stuff for me, because he had a dream he bought me flowers and it reminded him of how he loves to see me happy when he does stuff like that, and at that time, we were still under the impression we weren't going to sleep together anymore.

since we started having sex again, he's said he doesn't want to have sex with other girls. it's like he doesn't want the pressure of technically having a girlfriend, but he still wants to do all the stuff that comes with it. but he's lost his belly he put on while we were dating, and says stuff sometimes like he's trying to look good now that he's single, but he doesn't even want to go out and party or anything unless i go, so it's not like he's trying at all to meet or flirt with girls.

Rosebud... reading this post (after my reply above), just make sure you both keep this honest. The cliche, ''Can't have your cake and eat it too" has some touch of wisdom.

 

[SweetErika]

i think he would still do sweet things for me, because the day after we broke up, he told me that he still want's to do romantic stuff for me, because he had a dream he bought me flowers and it reminded him of how he loves to see me happy when he does stuff like that, and at that time, we were still under the impression we weren't going to sleep together anymore.

Maybe you guys have a little trouble distinguishing between 'nice things that make each other happy' and 'romantic stuff'? For instance, the flowers to make you happy could be interpreted as just a nice gesture from a close friend (maybe something he would have done before when you were just good friends?), or it could be a romantic gesture from a love. I can see where your situation could make it really difficult for both of you to figure out intentions, behavior, and interpret actions.

Your best bet is probably having a conversation about exactly how your relationship is changing, what it will look like in the future, and what actions are okay and will be interpreted correctly by both of you.

since we started having sex again, he's said he doesn't want to have sex with other girls. it's like he doesn't want the pressure of technically having a girlfriend, but he still wants to do all the stuff that comes with it. but he's lost his belly he put on while we were dating, and says stuff sometimes like he's trying to look good now that he's single, but he doesn't even want to go out and party or anything unless i go, so it's not like he's trying at all to meet or flirt with girls.

My personal interpretation in that situation would be he wants to go back to friendship and is trying to communicate that to me, but he also wants to fuck me. And/or he's playing games because he can, and/or is confused himself, and/or is trying to let me down easy while minimizing his own problems.

At any rate, I wouldn't be able to deal with the mixed signals and emotional turmoil, and would do whatever was necessary to straighten it out. Again, that's just me and my personal experience though.

 

[rosebud5446]

i know. and i know i shouldn't let him 'drink the milk for free and make him buy the cow'. but we both still love eachother, and it's really hard when we both love eachother, and he's sweet allthe time, and we have so much fun together. it makes me feel like i'm not alone.

 

[Norajane]

I'm sorry you're going through this, sweets. I hope you take advantage of all your friends and family to help you stay strong.

As for the guy, yeah, he's more than a little confused. However, he has taken a stand about breaking up, and he has taken a stand regarding not living together anymore. Pay attention to those messages, as those are the ones you most need to accept.

Stop having sex with him, stop sleeping with him in the same bed until you move out (that's what couches are for), stop hanging out with him. He wants to break up and have you move out, then that's what you need to give him, and no, sex isn't a part of friendship. You don't have sex with your other friends, do you?

If suddenly he feels the 'pressure' is off - great. Give him an opportunity to see how he feels when there's NO pressure, i.e., you are no longer in his life in any romantic sense. If you let him make you his fuck buddy or friend with benefits, clearly, he will.

He needs to fully understand what he's asking for when he says he wants to break up. He does not yet understand that since you are, for all intents and purposes, doing everything you were doing before. It will also help you feel better if you step back, as your emotions are allowing him to take advantage of you.

It's gotta be either/or, sweets. He won't have an opportunity to think about what he really wants and what his issues are otherwise. If you're still with him, you won't give him a chance to miss you and do some introspection about that.

Take it one day at a time, and come back here as often as you need for support - we're all here for you.

 

[rosebud5446]

but see he doesn't seem to do these nice things in a friendly way. he constantly tells me he loves me and all this b.s. and really i don't want to be with him if he deosn't want to commit, but i jsut feel like i'll be so alone without him. he's my best friend, and i just moved to this town 6 months ago, so i don't have many friends yet because i'm so shy.

 

[SweetErika]

but see he doesn't seem to do these nice things in a friendly way. he constantly tells me he loves me and all this b.s. and really i don't want to be with him if he deosn't want to commit, but i jsut feel like i'll be so alone without him. he's my best friend, and i just moved to this town 6 months ago, so i don't have many friends yet because i'm so shy.

This is a great opportunity for you to change that 'alone and shy' thing then, right? Get out, practice talking to people and making friends, have new opportunities and adventures, learn, get to know yourself, and live it up!

It sounds like you're coming to a point of clarity and being firm on your needs. That's really tough, and I hope you're congratulating yourself for the effort and accomplishment!

 

[rosebud5446]

and i have opened up alot, but i don't go to school, i don't like parties, so the only place to meet people is at work, and frankly, there arean't many people that i really like at work.

 

[Norajane]

but see he doesn't seem to do these nice things in a friendly way. he constantly tells me he loves me and all this b.s. and really i don't want to be with him if he deosn't want to commit, but i jsut feel like i'll be so alone without him. he's my best friend, and i just moved to this town 6 months ago, so i don't have many friends yet because i'm so shy.

I'm sure he does love you - that doesn't automatically stop when you break up. He's probably also feeling guilty, especially since you are still living with him.

BUT, he loves the sex, too. And right now, he's getting all of your phsyical and emotional attention, even though he wants to avoid actually being your boyfriend.

New in town? That's the perfect time to meet people! Sign up for an exercise or yoga class, sign up for a writing class or take ballroom dance lessons, start hanging out at the local coffee shop where your new apartment is, and you'll meet all kinds of friends.

When you move in to the new place, go and introduce yourself to all your neighbors. "Hi, my name is Rosebud, and I just moved in across the hall." That's all it takes!

If you start to make new friends, get busy doing things that you enjoy, and create a life entirely outside your ex-boyfriend, you'll feel a lot better, have lots more fun, and you won't be dependant on him for anything.

If you feel lonely, call someone up at home! Or come back here and bitch about it!

 

[Norajane]

and i have opened up alot, but i don't go to school, i don't like parties, so the only place to meet people is at work, and frankly, there arean't many people that i really like at work.

Even if there is only one person you like, make friends with that person, and make plan to go out somewhere. That person probably has friends.

Even if you aren't thrilled with everyone at work, start a weekly happy hour with your co-workers and ask them to invite their friends. You're bound to click with someone.

 

[rosebud5446]

i'm so shy though. although i'm alot more open than ive ever been. i can't go up to people i don't know and introduce myself. they have to talk to me first. and i get very shy when i don't know anybody around me. as for friends back home. for the past year and a half i've been traveling all over the country and just settled down. my old friends and i have changed alot and grown apart, tyler is the only friend i still consider close from back home. and on top of that, we've been having sex pretty much as long as we've been friends which makes it harder to change, because it's almost all we know with eachother.

 

[rosebud5446]

it's also confusing, because i really do kind of like how things are now. it's kind of cool that i have this guy that does all this stuff for me, and i do things for him too, but i feel more independant now, and like i can talk more with guys, because before even if i jsut wanted to be friends, i felt guilty talking to guys because i was afraid he'd get mad or jealous.

 

[SweetErika]

i'm so shy though. although i'm alot more open than ive ever been. i can't go up to people i don't know and introduce myself. they have to talk to me first. and i get very shy when i don't know anybody around me. as for friends back home. for the past year and a half i've been traveling all over the country and just settled down. my old friends and i have changed alot and grown apart, tyler is the only friend i still consider close from back home. and on top of that, we've been having sex pretty much as long as we've been friends which makes it harder to change, because it's almost all we know with eachother.

I'm pretty shy naturally, too, and grew apart or lost touch with a lot of old friends. My husband is my best friend, and we're perfectly happy spending time together or alone, which isn't conducive to making new friends, obviously. In addition, I've battled with major fear over meeting and trusting people, even other women because I believed (and I still do to some degree, to be brutally honest with you and myself) my trust got me raped by a friend I knew very well and I couldn't trust my own intuition and judgement when it came to friendships anymore.

HOWEVER, a couple of years ago I realized I wanted to meet new people. I had the opportunity to do so, just stopped making excuses for why I couldn't, sucked it up, and took that step. I met women online (great for us shy people), just summoned up the courage to have coffee/a drink with those I connected with, and guess what? I had to pretend I wasn't shy, scared, and lacked confidence the first few times, but after that it was easy, and there was no pretending. Doing something different helped me overcome my fears and shyness, and I've made several great friends.

Now don't tell yourself and us why you can't do something that would alleviate your lonliness and shyness, or anything for that matter... tell yourself why you CAN. Start taking some small steps, prove to yourself you can do it, and feel damn proud of yourself for taking on the challenge and overcoming an obstacle along the way.

That might be tough to hear, Rosebud, but sometimes we need a little tough love. I honestly have the best of intentions, and can't wait to hear about your successes because you might not think you can do things, but I KNOW you CAN.

 

[Guest]

 

[M's girl]

Hi Rosebud,

Confused is the right word. Him telling you that he doesn't want to live together anymore is a clear sign something is wrong. But he does not seem to be able to let go completely also. Since you still love him and it's not YOUR choice to split up; his kindness and all that adds to your confusion.

It is also MY experience that short after deciding to split up, your mind might agree but sometimes your heart won't. I think that is a natural reaction. For you there are some other factors that make it even more confusing. It is hard to make decisions that seem sensible to you at this time. You just made huge changes in your life to be with him, like moving house and town and now he tells you, in a way, you did the wrong thing!

I agree with what others have said about seeing this as an opportunity to grow and investigate and find yourself new friends and things to do, but I can imagine how it's just all too much all at once.

The only thing I can say is: choose YOU! He is obviously thinking more about himself than he is of you. Think hard about what YOU want and why you want it (including being/staying with him!).

Good luck!

 

[rosebud5446]

i do really like him better i think when we aren't actually together. he's sweeter, and if he gives me any shit, i feel more like i can just ignore it. he doesn't want to have sex with other people... actually, i don't even get why he broke up with me except for the fact he's scared of getting hurt because of his last love... so i guess he just likes to feel like it's more of a casual thing. which i kind of like too, because i feel like i have more freedom now too. the only thing is... i wonder if this is wrong what we're doing. i wonder if what i really need to do is cut him off because he doesn't want to give me commitment. but i don't really want total commitment. i'm only 20. i'm not looking to get married any time soon. i just want some companionship in the meantime. so is it really so wrong?

 

[TBKahuna123]

i do really like him better i think when we aren't actually together. he's sweeter, and if he gives me any shit, i feel more like i can just ignore it. he doesn't want to have sex with other people... actually, i don't even get why he broke up with me except for the fact he's scared of getting hurt because of his last love... so i guess he just likes to feel like it's more of a casual thing. which i kind of like too, because i feel like i have more freedom now too. the only thing is... i wonder if this is wrong what we're doing. i wonder if what i really need to do is cut him off because he doesn't want to give me commitment. but i don't really want total commitment. i'm only 20. i'm not looking to get married any time soon. i just want some companionship in the meantime. so is it really so wrong?

OK I'm going to go against the grain here, I wouldn't give up just yet. It sure sounds to me like this guy has some commitment issues, even though her really doesn't have any problem with commitment. You said he's been hurt, that could be a part of it, but some guys are just like that. He may really love you, but he's totally afraid to tie himself down because if something happens there's no escape route, or something crazy like that. I don't get it because I am mister over committed, but I know lots of guys like this.

So long as you are getting something out of your relationship, so long as you aren't just being used, so long as there is still something there that adds to your life, I would say ride it out. You need to be careful, be mindful that you are treated respectfully and as you deserve to be treated. I'll agree with M's Girl when she said to choose you, but I might mean it a bit differently. Protect yourself emotionally and really look inside at what you want.

As you say, you're both pretty young, and confusion at this age is normal. I think that sometimes us emotionally mature folks forget how confusing and silly a 20 year old's emotions can be, especially a guy. Here is what I see: You're his friend who he treats nice, cares about, does sepcial things for, and wants to make love to, while not dating or sleeping with other girls. Hmmm where I come from that's a girlfriend, but since he doesn't have to call you one, he feels free. I'll bet he calls you everyday too, right?

The boy's confused and immature, but I'm not sure he's malicious or trying to just make you his fuck buddy. I can see how this is confusing to you and that's why I said you need to protect yourself emotionally. If you start feeling used, feel your self esteem take a hit and feel like the relationship is turning one sided, bring it up or move on. If he's worth it though and you are getting something emotionally positive out of it, you might ride it out a bit and see where it goes, giving him time to pull his head out of his ass.

 

[Eilan]

About three months after my ex-husband and I separated, we decided to try what I now call our Half-Assed Reconciliation Period, which ended up lasting another three months or so.

What it actually amounted to was a booty call on Friday and Saturday nights; he'd show up to fuck, but we were living apart. Of course, I didn't see any problem with our arrangement at the time because my self-esteem was so low at that point (I'd had postpartum depression on top of the separation) that I thought that allowing him to continue to have sex with me would make him want to come back to the kids and me. It obvioualy didn't happen, and the ultimatum that I eventually issued sealed our fate.

I'm not implying that you have low self-esteem or anything; I'm just saying that breaking up and then continuing to have sex can be really confusing. It's not for everyone. Just be careful.

 

[silverwhisper]

rosebud, i'm sorry i missed this before now. i feel as though i've missed some very important history though: why are you splitting if you both still care about each other? it seems neither of you are ready to say goodbye to the romantic part of your relationship. sorry, i'm not particularly caffeinated just now. did i miss a thread?

ed

 

[TBKahuna123]

I'm not implying that you have low self-esteem or anything; I'm just saying that breaking up and then continuing to have sex can be really confusing. It's not for everyone. Just be careful.

Yeah that's exactly what I see as the fear. If she is getting something out of the arrangement that's one thing, but if she starts to see it effecting her self-esteem then it's no longer healthy. That's why it's time to say enough is enough.

i feel as though i've missed some very important history though: why are you splitting if you both still care about each other? it seems neither of you are ready to say goodbye to the romantic part of your relationship. sorry, i'm not particularly caffeinated just now. did i miss a thread?

See this is exactly what I'm taking about. If we are getting the whole story, which judging by rosebud's previous posts on this issue I think we are, then it just sounds to me like this guys is having a commitment crisis. He doesn't want anyone but her, but he's freaked about being "tied down". That screams of immaturity and a young man with his head up his ass, but not really someone trying to use someone else just for sex.

I've just seen so many of my friends break up with great women because there were terrified to commit, even though they were totally committed to them. It's jsut like a sickness many guys have, where they just can't bring themselves to admit that they WANT that commitment.

Hey I could be wrong, it's happened before. The important thing here though is that if he's got his head up his ass, rosebud can't have her head up hers. She has to decide if he has the potential that makes him worth the risk. If so, then she can take that risk but she has to do it with her eyes open and watch what happens closely. If it starts to become a one sided arrangement, then she needs to cut him off completely and move on.

Sometimes though, love is worth a little risk. Must just be the diehard romantic in me talking.

 

[rosebud5446]

rosebud, i'm sorry i missed this before now. i feel as though i've missed some very important history though: why are you splitting if you both still care about each other? it seems neither of you are ready to say goodbye to the romantic part of your relationship. sorry, i'm not particularly caffeinated just now. did i miss a thread?

ed

we aren't ready to give up on the romantic part. when i asked his reasoning, he basically said he doesn't want the stress of having a girlfriend... yet, he is even sweeter now than before, and still says he doesn't want to sleep with other women. so i guess the label bothers him. i don't know. last night,

he even did all this stuff for me for v-day... i came home (late!) from work (wasn't too happy i had to work so late) he had a card and a box of chocolates (the good ones) in the living room... a trail of rose petals leading to the bedroom with red, white, and pink roses, and the trail continued to lead into the bathroom with a bath drawn for me to relax with petals in it. and there were candles throughout the house... the card said 'i love you....' (inside-)a whole bunch.! it was so sweet he's even been low on money lately so he picked up a shift in the morning, and then he appologized that he didn't have the money to do more!

the thing is though... it really does bother me sometimes... if he cares about me so much, why doesn't he want me to be his girlfriend... i wonder if there is something wrong with me, i treat him a million times better than his ex, and i'm the one that gets the shit end of the stick! and i wonder if he will ever come around...

 

[Norajane]

we aren't ready to give up on the romantic part. when i asked his reasoning, he basically said he doesn't want the stress of having a girlfriend... yet, he is even sweeter now than before, and still says he doesn't want to sleep with other women. so i guess the label bothers him. i don't know. last night,

he even did all this stuff for me for v-day... i came home (late!) from work (wasn't too happy i had to work so late) he had a card and a box of chocolates (the good ones) in the living room... a trail of rose petals leading to the bedroom with red, white, and pink roses, and the trail continued to lead into the bathroom with a bath drawn for me to relax with petals in it. and there were candles throughout the house... the card said 'i love you....' (inside-)a whole bunch.! it was so sweet he's even been low on money lately so he picked up a shift in the morning, and then he appologized that he didn't have the money to do more!

the thing is though... it really does bother me sometimes... if he cares about me so much, why doesn't he want me to be his girlfriend... i wonder if there is something wrong with me, i treat him a million times better than his ex, and i'm the one that gets the shit end of the stick! and i wonder if he will ever come around...

Young guys are often confused about their feelings when it comes to commitment. Sounds like he cares very much about you. I suspect that your relationship will grow stronger when he feels like he's got some breathing room and time to think. He'll probably miss you being in the house more than he realizes.