So now what...??

[Enndea]

For my first post, this is bound to be a long one. So, I apologize for being extra wordy, but I feel like the background information is going to be necessary for me to get any relevant answers to my questions.

I’ll start by saying I stumbled into this discussion forum about 2 months ago. I pondered for a long time whether or not I should post anything, or just continue to read. Knowing that this was out here made me feel better about a lot of things. A sense of relief came over me when I read these entries: Oh my god. I am not alone out there in the way I feel about certain things. It was nice to read, and understand, and feel somewhat “understood”.

When I am honest with myself, my interest in the BDSM lifestyle goes back even into my teens. I don’t know why. I have always had fantasies which involve bondage, torture, even rape. I loved the idea of being completely controlled. As messed up as it may sound, I loved the idea of someone pushing me beyond what I might want, seeking only their own pleasure. Unfortunately for me, and maybe for all involved, I could never admit this to anyone. I could barely admit it to myself. I married fairly young, and have been married for a little over 5 years now. When I got married I had only been with 2 other partners before my husband. My sex life was never that exciting. It just was. Don’t get me wrong; I liked sex…I had and even have what would qualify as “good” sex, but I just never thought too much about it. It was just something that was part of my life.

Here’s where it starts to get complicated: About a year ago, I reconnected with a very old friend. I met this person when I was eighteen, and he was 34. Even then, there was a kind of ‘electric’ connection, but it was never ever acted on beyond just flirtation. Now I am 28. When we first got in touch it was so great. It was like talking to someone from long ago but no time had passed. We started to get together for various events, etc, and before I knew it, I felt that old current. I don’t know how, but I have always known that this person shared some of my feelings about sex, and BDSM. We never even really discussed it. I could just tell. So, I broke down and just said something. I said I was concerned because I felt drawn to him; a crazy sexual pull, and I didn’t want to cheat on my husband. And yet the lure of satisfying every fantasy I have ever had was just within my reach. It was the best and worst conflict I have ever had. A long story short, we agreed to try and be grown ups, to recognize the attraction without acting on it, and move on. But then one Saturday night we went to a club with a group of friends, drank a little too much, and while on the dance floor, he reached up and pulled my hair. From that moment, I was a goner. After that it is a blur: I remember getting in his car, discussing how we shouldn’t do this, his pulling on my nipples with such aggression and I was loving it so much. I was getting used. I knew it. And I didn’t care. Now this has gone on for a year. We meet when we can. The sex is like nothing I have ever dreamed; even when it’s not technically “sex.” It fulfills every dark need I have ever had. Somehow, my sixth sense on this was so right. He knows how to hurt me just right; to push me just far enough, to bring me to places I didn’t even know existed.

The thing is. I hate cheating. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the kind of person that makes me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My husband is great. He treats me like a queen, literally. My sex life is the only thing that lacks. I have discussed this with him. I have told him what I like, what I want, even though it was really hard for me. He said it’s something he could do; but in the few “attempts” it has just been not right. He’s not comfortable hurting me; even when I tell him that the pain is so good. The odd thing is, with my husband, the sex is technical, but it’s good. I always have an orgasm. With the other person, that isn’t always the case, and yet the two don’t even compare. I crave experiences with this other person like I suspect a drug addict craves their next hit. And I don’t know what to do.

So I guess my questions are these: Am I a lost cause? I worry now that I have had a taste, I won’t ever get this desire out of my head. And if I am not a lost cause, how do I stop myself from “wanting” so badly? Can people learn to be dominating? Is there any hope that my husband will ever be able to fulfill this role, or is this something that you are rather than something you learn to be? Is there anyone else out there who has had this problem? Does anyone have any suggestions or advice? How can I be a better person, without potentially giving up the only thing that makes me feel like me? Or is that my only choice? Thanks……….

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

You should write this up as an erotic novel.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Does your "first love" want you on a more permanentb basis? If so, you might think of leaving your husband for him. Otherwise, if your husband is a great guy...an above average lover who is willing to explore...you probably won't do better than that! Just give your husband a copy of The Loving Dominant and over time he will get a little better at pushing your buttons.

One thing you need to appreciate, lil subbie, is that the ratio of female submissives to male dominants is something like 10:1. Do you see what I am saying? If your "first love" does not want you for a long term relationship, it's not like there are tons of guys just like him out there waiting for you. The opposite. You will be competing with lots of women trying to find the one decent Dom. And that future hypothetical Dom, even if he has the aptitude and mindset, might not be as mature and capable as your current husband's efforts to learn.

PS. People won't like this advice.

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

PS. People won't like this advice.

No, I think it's good advice.

 

[tythisredheadup]

The thing is. I hate cheating. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the kind of person that makes me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My husband is great. He treats me like a queen, literally. My sex life is the only thing that lacks. I have discussed this with him. I have told him what I like, what I want, even though it was really hard for me. He said it’s something he could do; but in the few “attempts” it has just been not right. He’s not comfortable hurting me; even when I tell him that the pain is so good. The odd thing is, with my husband, the sex is technical, but it’s good. I always have an orgasm. With the other person, that isn’t always the case, and yet the two don’t even compare. I crave experiences with this other person like I suspect a drug addict craves their next hit. And I don’t know what to do.

Darlin, you have just said everything about me I could not put into words. Thank you.

 

[incubus'_sub]

I think it's good realistic advice too.

Enndea, you have lots of thinking to do about what you want for your future life. You are the only one who knows how important your submissive sexuality is to you and putting that completely aside, how important each of these men is to you in terms of their overall personalities and suitablity as a life partner.

You have been lucky enough to find a Dom who matches your desires. You are suddenly comfortable in your own skin and accepted because of your kink rather than despite it, yes ??. It feels fantastic, but if you are thinking about leaving your husband for this man please realise that a scene a week which works does not necessarily mean that a full time relationship will be successful too. If you are looking at him as a full time partner, make sure that the ordinary, everyday stuff had a good chance of working too.

I'm guessing that your husband, although a good man who loves you, is looking very boring & dull to you at the moment. That's what happens when you have an affair. Reading a book is not going to make him a Dom, it is either there or it's not. The physical moves can be practised to perfection but if the Dom mind is not behind them they won't satisfy you, particularly as you've had a taste of the real thing. Sorry, but that's the truth as I see it. Your husband can't help not being a Dom any more than you can help being a sub. That said, the rest of your relationship may be fantastic & worth keeping.

None of that probably helped at all, as the decision is & was always up to you anyway. Just thought that you might like to know that quite a few of us have faced the same dilemma & choices. Wouldn't it be great if non Dom husbands would agree to allow their sub wives out to play once a week, ideally keeping everyone happy & satified.

 

[RJMasters]

question

Before I offer any adivice I want to know the answer to these questions.

Let say your husband did become more Dommish, would that make you "want" to stop seeing this other Dom-lover?

Best case scenro, your husband becomes a very strong Dom, can you honestly say you will be satisfied and no longer seek fulfilment outside of your marriage?

 

[redelicious]

No, I think it's good advice.

Yeah, me too.

Enndea, I've been where you are. I don't have any magic answers that will help resolve this for you. I do think you have to make a choice - you have to end one of those relationships (or ask your husband for an open marriage).

I think that somesingle men look at married women as an opportunity to have a relationship without worrying about committment. This is by no means limited to BDSM circles, but it sort of ties into what Mr. Blond was saying.

I think you are lucky that your sex life with your husband is good, despite lacking BDSM. It's great that he is willing to try. Maybe you can incorporate some power play that doesn't involve inflicting pain.

When faced with this choice I could not bring myself to leave my husband and family. *For me* there had to be more to my leaving then what boils down to being sexually unfulfilled (granted, a gross simplification). Additionally, I didn't want to be in the position of running to somebody instead of leaving the relationship on it's own [lack of] merrits. This would have been fair to no one. However, I know there are those who would disagree with my choice.

I cope by reading and talking with people. I also have a healthy fantasy life. My husband knows how I feel. I don't engage in any kind of play anymore (well, outside of flirting) because I made a pledge to myself to make my marriage work if at all possible.

I empathize and wish you luck. You have some hard times ahead of you, but you will get through it.

And welcome to Lit.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Cheating is never the answer. Everyone comes out of that scarred.

Like incubus said... it would be ideal if husbands (those who are non-dominant or non-interested in BDSM) would agree to an open marriage. Few men (and women) are able to withstand that, however.

We've seen this thread before by a dozen others. It's always painful, for everyone. I sympathize with you, but I have no advice. And regardless of the advice you DO get here, you will still do what you think is best for yourself and all concerned.

It's a tough row to hoe. I wish you the best.

 

[RJMasters]

Not so fast

Reading a book is not going to make him a Dom, it is either there or it's not.

Well, true incubus. However, how do you know that deep down her husband isn't really a dom waiting to discover his kink?

No doubt he has had years of conditioning to be a loving vanilla husband. You don't just snap your fingers and become the perfect Dom over night. His wife drops this bomb on him about wanting to be dominated, and because he loves her, he is willing to try, but he has no experience to draw from, he has no knowledge, of course its going to be akward and unsatisfactory.

There is no way he is going to be able to compete with this other Dom who no doubt has alot of experience.

What her husband needs is some context in order to understand what Enndea's needs are. Only then will he be able to decide if he is capable of that kind of domination. Reading a book may not make a person a Dom, but can help someone to understand the other person's kink, and in the process also discover their own.

I would say that him attempting to explore is a good sign. I think Enndea should give him time to grow a bit. But she has set the bar pretty damn high. I say this, because a sub's first Dom is like the equivalant of the vanill's first crush, first kiss, first mind-blowing orgasm all rolled into one.

I would like to know first, if deep down she will be able to be satisfied if her husband did become a strong Dom? If so, then I have some advice for her to try to help. If not, then the answer is pretty obvious.

Sometimes new Dom/mes are dealing with their own king of fear, and everyone is eager to jump hard at an abusive Dom/me, yet if not Dominating enough, they are accused of not being a Dom. When the reality is, the Dom is inexperienced and trying to learn the difference between losing control and letting it all hang out. It sunny how people tell subs to go slow and learn before jumping into with both feet, yet when it comes to Dom, they are eager to just say, nope your not a Dom by nature therefore....blah...blah.

Again not directed at you incubus, I think almost all that you said was prety much on target. Just wanted to give Enndea something more to think about.

Enndea, are you sure your husband couldn't ravage you, rip you apart inside and out, till your left at his feet quivering, submissive and ready to please him? What its worth to you to find out? And even if he managed to do this, will you then be satisfied?

 

[badlilthang]

just -bad- thoughts

hey there...s...just read this - and first of all i so understand the magnetism there can be between a true Dom and sub. And especially if He was the first one "seing her signs" - and acting up on them. Nothing compares from that moment.

Then - the glitter fades a little - and one starts to think. Happily married, good sexlife, kind husband. All plusses. Then this intriguing Dom - who touches the "darker" side in you, and it is overwelming and totally consuming. Where do i go?

My first thought is to buy books. Especially for your husband. He seems to be openminded and interested in this ~ but do not expect Him to turn into a fullfledged Dom over night. Some are Doms from the get go - Others have stumbled into it by "accident" - and Others again have taught themselves to be Dominant. My point is - you have a lot to lose, if you consider leaving a good marriage for something this uncertain.

Another thought is - read with your husband. Share the books and the knowledge. It may be awkward in the beginning, but if you are to enter a world of BDSM or D/s - total trust, respect and honesty have to be present.

i wish you both the best of luck, and hope that you find a way that is possible to walk on...without losing too much of yourself..s..

stay safe...

bad~http://siz.snug1.org/abd/kao/heartsskip.gif

 

[Guest]

 

[Cig4r]

My friend and I played this for quite awhile. She was married, I'm not, she needed to be treated very roughly he just was not into it at all, he's a good guy but his lackluster efforts just didn't do it for her.
We, she and I had a good relationship for a long time, she would come to my shop when she needed to dominated, sometimes three times a week sometimes once every couple of months. It was just understood when she walked in the door, she was mine to use as I pleased. Every occasion didn't lead to intercourse, some did, some were just leading her around by her hair, some included spanking, some bondage.
We had a safe word, before that anything was OK.
I didn't expect anything beyond what we had, I enjoyed it, she enjoyed it, then we went on with our lives.
This may not work for everyone, but for us it did.

 

[WriterDom]

One thing you need to appreciate, lil subbie, is that the ratio of female submissives to male dominants is something like 10:1.

It's roughly 8 Doms for every 5 subs on Bondage.com. There are more subs than Doms at Lit, but 10:1? Where are you getting these numbers? I wish it were 10:1. I'd be going to a lot more munches.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Some questions you may want to ask yourself... or I may just piss you off with.

Why put yourself into the situation you did for the "first time" with your Dom?

Why blame alcohol?

Why put yourself into the situation where you would cheat on your husband?

If your bdsm interests have gone back to your teens, Why marry the man you did?

The age difference seems to be important to you as well, Is it a comfort level to have an older man in your life? And if so for what reasons?

These things are what stuck out in my head with your post.

 

[willpowered]

Enndea,

I've been where you are, and I AM in an open relationship! Oh, boy, I do not envy you!

But there are concrete options for you, and Foxy and others already touched on the work that is ahead for you. Allow me, to offer one way to proceed. This is what I did:

First, get practical and concrete with yourself about your own needs and desires. Which ones does your husband fill? Do you honestly believe that your Dom could fill them as well? I made two lists: pros and cons for each partner to help me sort it all out.

Next, try to imagine what you would have to do to fill in the gaps in EITHER relationship, if you had to choose one or the other. Which are you up to? Training your husband to be a Dom? Or teaching/learning/working out the nuts and bolts of your Dom as life partner? I have to say, in my case GGG (Good, Giving and Game) went a LONG way with my life partner. And it has taken patience, but IS working - about three years AFTER the affair "ended". But your excitement about BDSM will fire your husband up (if he's at all like most men), if you can share your exploration with him. Others have recommended a few ways, and there are more than I'm going to elaborate here.

Last, you need to dig your heels in and commit completely to whichever way you go. As you already know, what you have done cannot be undone. What you have learned cannot be unlearned. If the foundation you have with your husband is where you decide to build, it will be because it is strong and precious to you - and it will only become better and stronger. If you decide to start over with the Dom, you'll have to build a foundation on ground that is tainted by his knowledge of your dishonesty with your husband.

Oh, and just in case you haven't figured it out yet, and didn't read Shadow's thoughts about honesty - do so now. Dishonesty is a killer of any relationship.

Hope this was helpful. Good luck!

 

[Enndea]

Thank you SO much everyone who has contributed to this discussion so far. Believe it or not, you have all given me a lot to think on, and have brought up things that hadn’t even crossed my mind yet. I wanted to answer a couple of questions that were posed to me before continuing to ramble out loud. So here goes:

Does this other person want me on a more permanent basis? In short, yes, I think he does. Well, I know he thinks he does. We have discussed that. The issue is that I am not, and have not been, willing to leave my husband over this issue. The other person knows that. One of the main things that lead us to be friends in the first place is our ability to completely trust one another, and to be honest at all times, even if that honesty stings a bit. So he knows that while I do love him, and I love our friendship, and I more than love what we share together, I do not think we would be able to sustain a real life partnership. He thinks otherwise. But, when I take a step back from the obvious passionate aspects of our relationship, there are issues that I think would run afoul of a lifetime commitment. Primarily, though I am a sub, in my “real life” as it were, I am a complete control freak. As is the other person. I think outside of the bedroom it would always be a struggle for power. It works fine now, because we call ourselves ‘friends.’ I’m not sure it would work otherwise. And that looks past the bigger differences in our lives: how we deal with money, one is messy/one is clean, one has a temper and one does not. I don’t know. My common sense on that issue just says no. So, when I look at if he wants me on a permanent basis, even though the answer may be yes, that is not a move I am willing to make. Sometimes though, I hate being so rational. (though I didn’t understand why people wouldn’t like this advice. I mean, I don’t like it b/c my instant gratification side just wants to do what I want to do; but I think it is good advice nonetheless).

If my husband is able to dominate me the way I wish, will I then be fulfilled and not seek attention outside of my marriage? Without a doubt. This has never been about seeking affirmation, or driving my ego. Without sounding conceited, I am fairly attractive, and have had numerous opportunities to have sex outside of my marriage. I never had before this. I wasn’t even interested in it. I am not interested in cheating, and as wacky as it sounds, haven’t even considered what I am doing as an “affair.” I love my husband. He just doesn’t “get” me in this respect. What I involve myself in with this other person is mainly to gratify my need to be controlled. To gratify myself sexually. And not a whole lot else. It sounds so selfish, but it’s true. This is perhaps the only area, however, where I can express this and people might know what I mean. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. They fall in love with other people, need to feel attractive, get bored….etc. I actually think it would be easier for me if it were any of those reasons. For me, this fulfills a need. I can’t explain it. I feel almost like I am doing this just for myself. It rises above sexual satisfaction; I can get that on my own. It’s a pull to have this kind of interaction. It’s so strong. If I had that interaction at home, I wouldn’t be outside looking for it. Honestly, I wasn’t even “looking” for it when it happened. I just crossed that line.

Isn’t it fantastic to comfortable in my own skin? Oh my god yes. If it weren’t so fucking wonderful, I wouldn’t have this dilemma. It gives me a sense of truly being myself once and for all, without someone looking at me with those eyes that say “you want me to do what?” It’s so fluid and unspoken and eerily natural. I haven’t quite figured out how what is being done to me during these sessions correlates to this feeling of wholeness, but it absolutely does. I wish sometimes so hard that I wasn’t this way. It would be much easier. But then again, I would miss out also on all these sensations and experiences…..

Is this other person married or single? He is single. And it probably is hard for him every time I go home to someone else. But, he also knows that is the arrangement, and he has at least for now told me that he would rather have me in his life the way that it is, as opposed to not at all. But I imagine that it does wear on him as well. Often, my guilt about all of this isn’t only about myself, it’s about him, and my husband…all of us. It’s really not good for any of us, and yet I can’t convince myself to pull away.

What is the last and possibly most complicating factor to all of this is the underlying friendship I have with this person. I think it will be impossible to cut him out of my life completely. I don’t want to do that. And yet, I fear that if I don’t do that, I may never be able to untangle this. Because as long as he is around, as long as he is a part of my life, I will want him. That’s a given. I do suspect that even if my husband is able to learn these things, it will never be the same as it has been with this other person. He probably will be the gold standard.

And I worry I may have oversold my sex life. It isn’t great…it’s just…..normal married sex. It’s boring enough to me that I don’t have it very often. It is “satisfactory” when I do, most of the time. And I do appreciate my husband’s willingness to hear me out, and I feel lucky he didn’t react badly. I do think you’re right, I need to give him time to try and learn this role. Someone asked what is most important to me? Right now, I am sane enough to realize that sex is not a reason to leave an otherwise perfect marriage. My husband is my best friend, and a wonderful partner. I know it seems like, how can I say that when you look at what I am doing to him?? But, it’s true. I do love him. If I didn’t, this would be very all too easy. I have considered asking him about being open in our relationship. I have told him, and I honestly feel this way, that I would be okay if he wanted sex outside of our marriage. It doesn’t change my love for him. He of course thinks this is great, but would never act on it. I tried prodding into “what if it was me….what if I wanted someone else?” His answer is always a “I don’t think that would be okay.” I’m not sure how he would react if I layed it all out for him. If I just said: this is something I need. I’m not certain I am prepared to put that kind of strain on my married life just yet.

So, I have talked myself in a circle here. As I have for the last year. Why is this so hard to give up? Even when I know that’s what I should do.

Thank you so much for listening. And thanks for the welcome. I think I will stick around!

 

[Enndea]

Some questions you may want to ask yourself... or I may just piss you off with.

Why put yourself into the situation you did for the "first time" with your Dom?

Why blame alcohol?

Why put yourself into the situation where you would cheat on your husband?

If your bdsm interests have gone back to your teens, Why marry the man you did?

The age difference seems to be important to you as well, Is it a comfort level to have an older man in your life? And if so for what reasons?

These things are what stuck out in my head with your post.

No, these are good questions, and don't piss me off. Unfortunately, I posted my response before reading them. In short order:

I didn't mean to "blame" alcohol, though I do suspect it allowed me to act how I had probably wanted to act for some time. I don't think there is any argument that alcohol doesn't lower inhibitions. But, I take full responsibility for this, and did not mean to imply otherwise.

I didn't put myself into a situation where I would cheat on my husband any more than any interaction I have with any men ever. I didn't plan this, and I did think that after our discussion, we had cleared the air, so to speak. I was I guess naive enough to think the attraction would just fade.

As for the age difference....I don't know. My husband is 11 years older than me as well. I have never given it much thought. I don't want to get too psychological about why that might be important to me, if it is.....

I married my husband because I was in love with him, and was young enough to think my fantasy life would not intersect with my real life. And back then, it was just "strange thouhts" I had. I didn't even know what BDSM was. I wish I had. I wish I had thought about that. But, I didn't.

 

[incubus'_sub]

You write well and I understand you, you are me a couple of years ago. We can't really offer advice as to what to do, but I know it helps to be able to talk to people who understand, really understand, what you are feeling. Please feel free to PM any of us privately too. Just sharing your dilemma will help.

I think you described it well, your husband just doesn't "get"it. They can learn to walk the walk & talk the talk, do the Dom thing in an attempt to please you & you admire & appreciate the effort, but without the Dom mindset it is never satisfying and never will be. I have to disagree with RJ Masters. It won't & can't be discovered or woken up, it's not there to begin with. Sure, most men will enjoy rough sex, playing the caveman, from time to time, but if it's not their "thing" it's just a game played from time to time.

Fot the time being just continue as you are. Sooner or later circumstances will force the situation to resolve one way or the other. Ignore the cracks about dishonesty & cheating, it's already done. Don't beat yourself up. You can't help the way you are, neither can your husband and sometimes we discover things about ourselves & our relationships a bit too late. Like you, I didn't know about B&D, just knew that my fantasies & desires were not particularly welcomed by my husband, although he, too, made the effort sometimes. I lived his way, to his rules & denying my own needs, for 20 years, before I found understanding, acceptance and love with my true Dom.

 

[rosco rathbone]

.

One thing you need to appreciate, lil subbie, is that the ratio of female submissives to male dominants is something like 10:1. Do you see what I am saying?

Utter bullshit.

 

[Betticus]

I think this "Dom" of hers needs to be taken out, tied to a post and flailed until he loses consciousness.

If her husband had known and agreed with all parties that this was okay then it would be okay.

She did attempt to say that she didn't want to cheat.

He took her anyway.

Balls need to be cut off.

That is all.

 

[Betticus]

Does your "first love" want you on a more permanentb basis? If so, you might think of leaving your husband for him. Otherwise, if your husband is a great guy...an above average lover who is willing to explore...you probably won't do better than that! Just give your husband a copy of The Loving Dominant and over time he will get a little better at pushing your buttons.

One thing you need to appreciate, lil subbie, is that the ratio of female submissives to male dominants is something like 10:1. Do you see what I am saying? If your "first love" does not want you for a long term relationship, it's not like there are tons of guys just like him out there waiting for you. The opposite. You will be competing with lots of women trying to find the one decent Dom. And that future hypothetical Dom, even if he has the aptitude and mindset, might not be as mature and capable as your current husband's efforts to learn.

PS. People won't like this advice.

I think that people will agree with this.

 

[Netzach]

I think this "Dom" of hers needs to be taken out, tied to a post and flailed until he loses consciousness.

If her husband had known and agreed with all parties that this was okay then it would be okay.

She did attempt to say that she didn't want to cheat.

He took her anyway.

Balls need to be cut off.

That is all.

This is so not what I'm seeing going on here.


Why is it, someone tell me, that being sexually incompatible with no hope of fulfillment is not enough reason in and of itself for a relationship to end?

I'm not getting that part.

But that's just me. I got out of a relationship that wasn't fulfilling my SM desires for that reason alone, and now I'm in one that is. It's not perfect and there are things I love and miss about my ex that this relationship doesn't fulfill.

(don't see this as a neat and clean break -- it involved cheating, fucking up, and etc. and I'm not proud nor am I ashamed.)

Globally overall, though, I'm getting much more of what I need to not want to jump off high things.

 

[kitty4ever]

I've thought long and hard before responding to this topic. My soon-to-be ex-husband (divorces take too long sometimes) split just about a year ago after five years married. The reasons were vast, and both of us admit now that we should not have married, at least when we did. If it ever could have been salvaged, who knows.

Anyways, I had spoken to him often about what I wanted, begged for certain things, and received the answer about how he would not do such freakish things. I received one spanking in the entire 7 years we were together.

I knew what I wanted, but didn't have a name for it when I met him. Like you, I am a submissive in the bedroom, but very much an alpha outside of it, at work, etc.

I loved him, but due to circumstances and occurances, he did destroy that love which I had for him, and I finally had to move out of the hellhole that I was living in. It was a shock, for I'd hidden the problems that were happening.

Unlike me, it sounds like you do have a good marriage. But, I do think that you're right in that your friendship with this friend will never be the same after this affair. Anytime it crosses that line, you can never go back to exactly what you had before. Sometimes, years later, you can have a strong friendship again, but it still won't be the same as before.

Yes, you have to sit down and think hard about what you want, make a decision and commit to it. You must commit with your whole heart. I struggled for months with the decision to move out, but I finally did it. I have not moved back, and have stuck by my decision. I did not leave for anyone but myself. If you don't make the decision, then it may end up being made for you. I don't think that's ever a good thing.

I won't tell you which way to decide. That's your decision, and I wish you best of luck.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Wow, Betticus, what planet are you on ? No, I don't agree with you at all. Where you are everyone may well be perfect but in my world we all suffer from human emotions like love, desire, disappointment, fear, lust to name just a few. Hell, here we even accept that some of us make mistakes & poor choices at times.

I'm with Netzach. Life is short, why waste it trying to fit to the norm and attempting to conform to other people's standards of behaviour. Only this lady can decide whether her own sexuality is of major importance in her life or if she is prepared to accept that her marriage is flawed in that aspect but satisfying in others & make her decision accordingly.

Berating one party for naughty, willful behaviour achieves nothing and somehow suggests that Enndea was taken advantage of when I don't believe that this was the case here. We hear the phrase "it just happened" all the time & you know what, things do just happen. It's called living.