Silly Threesome/Foursome Question

[Pink_Milkmaid]

So my husband and I are in serious talks to try some threesomes/foursomes/poly as baby steps towards opening up our relationship. (If you've seen my comments on the marriage thread, you know this is HUGE for us--my unhappiness is being talked about and acknowledged and potential solutions are being discussed in mature fashion. I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted.)

Okay, so here's my weird question. Say we find a person/couple to do this with (finding them is a whole different question ), and we have dinner/whatever to get to know them, HOW do you transition from talking to doing? Is there an awkward "how about we go in the bedroom?" conversation? Does it kind of happen naturally? Should there be an agreement beforehand how things will go? Are flirty suggestions tossed out and acted on? Which partner typically initiates that? Neither of us are big drinkers so tipsy silliness isn't really on the table, but I'm betting tipsy/other substances don't hurt in terms of lowering inhibitions.

Anyone care to share their first swinging/poly experience with their partner and give me an idea how the getting to know you phase transitions into the doing phase? (I know there have been other threesome threads but I didn't see this exact question addressed. Apologies if this is repeat!)

 

[Mohavekid]

Frankly, you have done the hardest part Pink.

I was in your situation years ago with my ex-wife. Having a mature conversation about what I felt was lacking in our sex life and getting her to really understand my needs in a non-judgmental manner was the really hard part.

After some time, effort and a lot of tears I got her to the point of trying a few things. While I enjoyed myself, my ex clearly did not enjoy it to the same extent. After a few get togethers, her interest waned and she refused to participate, leaving me as frustrated as ever.

Once you find an interested couple, a frank conversation with ground rules about what is acceptable and what isn't is essential. If all goes well there, a game of strip poker works well to get things started. Once the clothes are off, change it up so the loser has to perform an act on their mate or another member of the group. A few cocktails helps inhibitions too. If you have access to a private pool or hot tub, skinny dipping after a intimate dinner party can be a good starter.

Hopefully your husband is truly interested and enjoys what can be a very fun experience.

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

Strip poker or other game is awesome idea. Thank you for the kind words!

 

[bigmackattack]

Why not just get a divorce now?

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Since you're not asking how to find prospective partners but rather how to get them into bed, I'll skip ahead to the meeting part. First, l should state that my wife and I have been swinging for about 15 years, first threesomes with single bi-females, and then with couples. Since you already know how and where to meet like-minded people, the big question is how do you get them naked? Before you cross that threshold, however, there is another question you have to ask. Do we want to go to bed with them? And do they feel the same about us?

We mostly meet couples through websites, exchange e-mails and pics, talk on the telephone to make sure the other couple is actually a couple (you would be amazed at how many men post profiles on swinging websites either without their wive's knowledge or without a wife at all). Once we decide a couple (or single female) are good candidates, we set up a meeting for dinner and drinks somewhere that is loud enough that we won't be overheard by nosey neighbors, but not so loud that we have to shout at each other to talk. Noisy nightclubs are terrible for first meetings.

We let the other couple know in advance that the first meeting is just a meeting, and that there is no sex on the first date. Why? It's not because we're prudes. Rather, it is so everyone has a chance to make sure we are all on the same page. We don't want anyone taking one for the team. This policy developed as a result of our first meeting with another couple. We met for drinks. The other wife and I hit it off fabulously. The other husband was totally into my wife. Unfortunately, she was not into him. She didn't say anything, however, and after an hour or so we were in their hotel room fucking like rabbits. I had a great time. My wife was miserable, and let me know about it on the way home. Since then, we have adopted a no sex on the first date policy that works out very well for us. The fact is, about 10% of the time I don't care for the other couple. Her rejection rate is higher, around 50%. And there are also times when one or both of the other spouses are not into us. So on the whole, only about 25% of our meetings eventually result in sex. By committing to no sex on the first meeting, we allow all four persons to step back and decide privately whether we want to meet again and take it to the next level, without any pressure to make an instant decision.

So, what happens at the second meeting? Usually those take place at our house or theirs, or in unusual circumstances, at a hotel. If we are hosting, we will serve drinks and appetizers, and after everyone has had sufficient time to get comfortable (anywhere from a half hour to two hours), my wife or I will ask "Are we ready to go upstairs?" Once upstairs in the bedroom we close the door and start getting undressed. The other couple follows suit, and then we pair off. (BTW, the bedroom is already set up with a spare mattress, sheets, pillows, candles, and plenty of condoms).

If we are at the other couple's home, we will usually wait for them to take the lead. One of the best ways another couple made the transition was to ask us to join them in the hot tub. We stepped outside, took off our clothes, and climbed into the water. The close proximately led to touching, and the bubbling water provided a layer of privacy that helped to get the ball rolling. If you have a hot tub, use it!

Another couple had a pool table, and so we paired off with the opposite spouses in a friendly game of partners pool. This provided plenty of opportunities for touching that led to kissing and groping, and by the end of the second game we were headed to the bedroom.

One other thing we have done, is my wife will offer to give a massage. She is a licensed massage therapist, so she always has oil and lotion handy. If one of the other partners is shy or nervous, she bring up the subject of massage and ask him or her if they have ever been rubbed by a professional. It starts out with just one of the other spouses, but quickly becomes a four or even a six handed rubdown.

Lastly, when we have done threesomes with a single bi female, she has asked the other woman to join her in a shower. It's kind of the same as the hot tub move, but just the women are involved.

Good luck, and if you have any further questions you can always send me a PM.

 

[sixfeetundernea]

I know you're not wanting my opinion, but if you do this and your marriage is already is trouble, this will end it.

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

Since you're not asking how to find prospective partners but rather how to get them into bed, I'll skip ahead to the meeting part. First, l should state that my wife and I have been swinging for about 15 years, first threesomes with single bi-females, and then with couples. Since you already know how and where to meet like-minded people, the big question is how do you get them naked? Before you cross that threshold, however, there is another question you have to ask. Do we want to go to bed with them? And do they feel the same about us?

This was all fabulous advice. I really appreciate the detailed response! You raise a lot of really good points.

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

I know you're not wanting my opinion, but if you do this and your marriage is already is trouble, this will end it.

I get what you and the other commenter above are saying, and I think it's a valid point if one person in the couple is pushing for this AND there are a ton of other problems. In our case, a great deal of my personal unhappiness stems from our different approaches to sex. We've talked about threesomes/foursomes from when we very first got together over a decade ago, so this is more just deciding that maybe it's time to try taking this from fantasy that gets us BOTH off to reality. It's not me pushing for something he doesn't find extremely sexy. We have tons of reasons to stay together even if the issue of frequency/kink/desire never get resolved--if this is a failed experiment, we'll just laugh together and move on and try something else. To me, the really, really important thing is that we are TALKING about how unhappy I am, talking about WHY we have differences, and trying to find some common ground. This is way, way better than where we were a few weeks ago.

 

[topip]

Love this thread!

 

[magicalmoments]

We, my ex and I, always found the transition the hardest part. It is usually only an issue the first time. We largely got over it by ensuring the other couple were more experienced than us and let them do the leading.

Some of the other advice given above is excellent, like ensure the first date is in a neutral place and make it clear in the setting up that there will be no sex. On that first date make sure that all of you talk about what actual sexual activity you're looking for so that you're all on the same page. If either of you came away from the first date with any doubts then wrap it up and look for different partners.

There are serious emotions at play when swapping partners and the risk of disaster is always there but there is no doubt, as many on these pages testify, that it can be highly successful and the best fun you will ever have.

Good luck.

 

[davenjenn]

First... It isn't easy. Most if the couples we have met online have made us feel uncomfortable in person.

We have found the best relationships have come from our regular group of friends. At dinner we sort of ask them leading questions and sex develops ( or more often doesn't ) from there.

Also, since we already have an open relationship, we sometimes invite my lovers or his lovers into our beds along with their other partners.

Jennifer

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

First... It isn't easy. Most if the couples we have met online have made us feel uncomfortable in person.

We have found the best relationships have come from our regular group of friends. At dinner we sort of ask them leading questions and sex develops ( or more often doesn't ) from there.

Also, since we already have an open relationship, we sometimes invite my lovers or his lovers into our beds along with their other partners.

Jennifer

So you were open even before the threesome/foursome topic came up? (Feel free to PM me if you feel more comfortable). He kind of feels that openness should follow some period of successful threesome/foursomes but I have heard from others like you who had openness all along.

 

[Justfantasies]

Don't believe the people who say it will end your marriage.

If you are both involved to some extent and your hubby isn't too jealous you'll have a great time.

In a previous marriage I found it a huge turn on to help my wife up dress up before she went on a date. And she brought friends home for me.

Jf

 

[bigmackattack]

Don't believe the people who say it will end your marriage.

If you are both involved to some extent and your hubby isn't too jealous you'll have a great time.

In a previous marriage I found it a huge turn on to help my wife up dress up before she went on a date. And she brought friends home for me.

Jf

Everyone that is for her doing it talks about their ex. Some relationships can handle this; one that is already in trouble cant.

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

Marriages end for all sorts of reasons. If mine were to end, sex wouldn't be the reason--after a decade + together, all sorts of stuff builds up. I'm sure that's the case for others on the thread. Also, there's different definitions of trouble. There's "I'm really having a hard time even being in the same room with you lately" and then there's "I love you and I want to raise our family together and I'm committed to that BUT there's this ONE area that my needs aren't being entirely met in and it would be FUN to try to solve it together." That's more where we are. I know you're just trying to be cautious but just because some open/poly/swinging marriages end in divorce doesn't make the sex the culprit--50% of all marriages end in divorce for a whole host of reasons.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Marriages end for all sorts of reasons. If mine were to end, sex wouldn't be the reason--after a decade + together, all sorts of stuff builds up. I'm sure that's the case for others on the thread. Also, there's different definitions of trouble. There's "I'm really having a hard time even being in the same room with you lately" and then there's "I love you and I want to raise our family together and I'm committed to that BUT there's this ONE area that my needs aren't being entirely met in and it would be FUN to try to solve it together." That's more where we are. I know you're just trying to be cautious but just because some open/poly/swinging marriages end in divorce doesn't make the sex the culprit--50% of all marriages end in divorce for a whole host of reasons.

I can't quote any statistics, but I doubt that the divorce rate is any higher for swingers than for non-swingers. I couldn't count the non-swinging friends and family members we have known whose marriages ended in divorce, and for a variety of different reasons. We do know three swinging couples who divorced. One of the couples was in trouble before swinging, and their activities seemed to exacerbate the existing fractures. But the other two failed for reasons that had nothing to do at all with swinging. One couple dissolved three years after they gave up swinging. The other husband once told me the only time they didn't fight was when they were swinging. For them, swinging may have delayed an inevitable split.

I'm not saying it's for everyone, but if you and your husband are interested, give it a try. We have had tremendous fun and made great friends. We get together all the time for a variety of activities. Sometimes we fuck, but most of the time we just have fun.