Should men expect monogamy from women?

When you enter a relationship, it's a bit like signing a contract—not with a fancy pen and a notary public, but with a series of shared understandings and unspoken promises. Mutual trust is the cornerstone of this agreement. It's the belief that your partner has your back, that they'll be there through thick and thin, and that they'll respect the boundaries you've both set.
Hi @Meekly_Anna

Yes, I agree, if the promise made at the outset of the marriage is "monogamy" then each has the right to expect the other to honor the promise.

But here's the thing... Holding your partner to that promise some 10, 15, 20 years later could well keep them from living their best life and is that really something you want to do? My wife and I were truly monogamous when we got married and for the more than two decades that followed. But 30 years later, after my wife and I had had sex literally 3000+ times (2x week for 30+ years), I chose to let my wife have occasional sex with other men rather then see her interest in sex continue to wither. I did it to help keep her young in body, spirit and mind. I did it because I love her and want her to live her best life and a long, healthy one. Our relationship is much too secure for me to worry about another guy taking my wife from me just because sex with him was fun. ..Won't happen.

And having your partner's back is not necessarily related to sexual exclusivity. I think we all know couples who challenge that notion.
 
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The average woman, currently attached or not, turns down sex far more than the average man. They are simply more desired for sex.

Most men have to put quite a bit more effort into getting sex elsewhere, and if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should, it's not hard for him to stay "faithful".

When women give in to man's advances, or purposefully seek it out, the majority of men they are attached to can't deal with it and end the relationship. This results in divorce, financial hardship, and many other negative things.

I wish my Dad would have stayed with my mother and his kids when she had an affair. Moving out of the home, visitations, being a latch-key kid, and all kinds of troubles resulted. She married her affair partner, who turned out to be an alcoholic, so I got to live with that. That led to another affair, divorce, and another marriage. All before I moved out as an adult.

When I consider what I went through and other people I know with similar stories, alot of heartache and struggle would have been prevented if our Dads would have just stayed married and worked on themselves and relationship with their wives than just bailing on the family.

Watching and reading videos and comments / discussions regarding this on YT and such It seems to me men and their families would do better long-term to work harder on their relationship before and after, if the woman steps out. I think the "zero tolerance" many men have for women having sex with anyone but them for their entire lives is ridiculous and unrealistic. The issue is more minimized when there are no children involved.

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?
If women expect it, so can men.
As far as the men staying with a woman who's cheated. Where do you draw the line? One affair? Two? One affair that is ongoing and she refuses to stop because he won't leave?
There comes a point when you have to put yourself and your wellbeing first.
My ex wife and I split almost 10 years ago after a couple of years of the relationship going constantly downhill. We tried again about 6 months later, whilst living apart. We were working towards moving in together again when she had an affair and ended out marriage for the guy. That relationship lasted 6 months.
I have remarried and have a great relationship with my, now teenage, kids. They know how much happier I became once the divorce was finalised and I could get in with living my life, my way
 
I have enjoyed reading all of the different viewpoints on this topic. I certainly wanted and expected monogamy in past relationships but struggled with how turned on I got with the idea of her stepping outside the relationship. I have no desire for the next woman to be monogamous at all. I came to this understanding not through intellectual thought but rather through an acceptance of my kink.
 
Hi @Meekly_Anna

Yes, I agree, if the promise made at the outset of the marriage is "monogamy" then each has the right to expect the other to honor the promise.

But here's the thing... Holding your partner to that promise some 10, 15, 20 years later could well keep them from living their best life and is that something you really want to do? My wife and I were truly monogamous when we got married and for the more than two decades that followed. But 30 years later, after my wife and I had had sex literally 3000+ times (2x week for 30+ years), I chose to let my wife have occasional sex with other men rather then see her interest in sex wither. I did it to help keep her young in body, spirit and mind. I did it because I love her and want her to live her best life. Our relationship is much too secure for me to worry about another guy taking my wife from me just because sex with him was fun. ..Won't happen.

And having your partner's back is not necessarily related to sexual exclusivity. I think we all know couples who challenge that notion.
And that's the point. YOU chose to let HER.
And SHE might choose to let YOU.
One gives a promise. Another one let's one break, bend or dismiss it
 
Hi @write_or_wrong

As I see it, what you're describing - ie., addictions, and phobias, - are mental illnesses. ..And they are defined as illnesses precisely for the reason you describe - they cannot be overcome with mere cognition. And I'm not throwing shade on people who suffer from phobias and addictions; indeed, many of us do, including your's truly.

The point I was trying to make is that women tend to be more monogamous than men NOT because of an innate preference to be with just one person, but rather because of a deep-seated understanding that they are at MUCH greater risk of being physically assaulted by their hook-up once they are behind closed doors; they are more likely to be beaten or killed by their spurned husband if he finds out; AND they are more apt to be slut-shamed and shunned by family and friends if their affair is exposed. In short, pursuing sexual variety is far riskier for women. But if the risks were no greater for women than men, they would be just as unfaithful as men.
I get that, and agree.
 
And that's the point. YOU chose to let HER.
And SHE might choose to let YOU.
One gives a promise. Another one let's one break, bend or dismiss it
Ok.. but my question is, why hold someone to a promise they made when they were too young to fully understand it? Yes, when young people marry, they are convinced they will NEVER want someone else, sexually. ..Of if they do, it'll be just an occasional desire that is easily ignored. ..But what do you do 20-30 years later when sexual boredom sets in and it's so profound that a couple is no longer (or very rarely) having sex? At that point, is the couples decision to continue keeping the promise of monogamy a virtuous one, or is it an unhealthy one?

I believe that sex late in life contributes to better physical and mental health outcomes. ..So couples are better off relaxing the reigns of fidelity if it allows one or both to continue to have and enjoy sex. ..Albeit with sensible rules which help to preserve the primary relationship.
 
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It depends on the person. For the most part I am in strictly monogamous relationships. I am not really cut out with the whole swinging thing. I dabbled in it but didn’t like it.
 
I never understood why Americans marry with 19 or 20....
I totally agree. ..And nor do I think those who marry should define fidelity as mere sexual exclusivity. To my thinking, fidelity is about protecting the partnership AND prioritizing each other's happiness. Which, after 10, 20, or 30 years. could well mean allowing your partner to engage in the very normal, biologically mandated act of seeking sexual variety BUT doing so in a way that does not imperil the relationship. What that would look like could be different from couple to couple.
 
If women expect it, so can men.
As far as the men staying with a woman who's cheated. Where do you draw the line? One affair? Two? One affair that is ongoing and she refuses to stop because he won't leave?
There comes a point when you have to put yourself and your wellbeing first.
My ex wife and I split almost 10 years ago after a couple of years of the relationship going constantly downhill. We tried again about 6 months later, whilst living apart. We were working towards moving in together again when she had an affair and ended out marriage for the guy. That relationship lasted 6 months.
I have remarried and have a great relationship with my, now teenage, kids. They know how much happier I became once the divorce was finalised and I could get in with living my life, my way
Where to draw the line is a tough question. Really depends on the people involved and motivations.
 
Yes. A marriage vow is sacred. If you have committed to each other before God, then you must remain faithful. I don’t understand why people struggle so much with that.

I made no such vow and can pursue sex elsewhere under conditions my husband and I agreed on. I would never violate those conditions by, say, having a fling that he wasn’t made aware of beforehand.

To be an adult is to be accountable. Don’t write checks you can’t cash.
 
nor do I think those who marry should define fidelity as mere sexual exclusivity
They don't: This thread contains a LONG list of things people call "cheating," some of which are valid even though they aren't "having sex," and some of which are fucking bonkers nobody should expect someone else to know they're supposed to adhere to it.



People gotta talk about shit and not just assume they're on the same page, when it comes to those less-standardized expectations.
 
Yes. A marriage vow is sacred. If you have committed to each other before God, then you must remain faithful. I don’t understand why people struggle so much with that.
Yes, but marital vows don't include just fidelity, they also include the promise to love and cherish each other.

So what to do when a very large desire discrepancy has grown within the marriage which leaves one person feeling they are no longer sufficiently cherished? And yes, I'm talking about sex.

For many people, the desire for frequent sex is about as immutable a desire as the need to smile and laugh. For many of us sex is not some frivolous activity that becomes unnecessary after having children; it's an important bonding activity in a healthy marriage.

There is no doubt that the best sex is with someone you love, but if that person is no longer interested in sex? Well, people will be endlessly tempted to pursue sex with someone else.

I agree that NO ONE should ever cheat. ..But when it happens, the blame is usually not just one-sided.
 
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Yes, but marital vows don't include just fidelity, they also include the promise to love and cherish each other.

So what to do when a very large desire discrepancy has grown within the marriage which leaves one person feeling they are no longer sufficiently cherished? And yes, I'm talking about sex.

For many people, the desire for frequent sex is about as immutable a desire as the need to smile and laugh. For many of us sex is not some frivolous activity that becomes unnecessary after having children; it's an important bonding activity in a healthy marriage.

There is no doubt that the best sex is with someone you love, but if that person is no longer interested in sex? Well, people will be endlessly tempted to pursue sex with someone else.

I agree that NO ONE should ever cheat. ..But when it happens, the blame is usually not just one-sided.
I disagree. We all have agency. Sex is vital to me - but so is my sense of honor. If sex ever vanished from my marriage, and my husband refused to let me get it elsewhere, I would demand a divorce. I would always choose the pain of separation - money, custody, bureaucracy - over the shame of cheating.
 
Men should expect monogamy from women if that's what they agree upon. My woman, for example, has a strained relationship with sex because of her history with SA and being raped. She feels a certain way with me and being able to physically release and receive pleasure because of our emotional connection but she's not interested or ever looking for attention or other men and sex in general.

I prefer and want monogamy and so does she so it works for us. It's my expectation because it's what we agree upon. And if she changes her mind, that'll be a discussion for then.
 
I disagree. We all have agency. Sex is vital to me - but so is my sense of honor. If sex ever vanished from my marriage, and my husband refused to let me get it elsewhere, I would demand a divorce. I would always choose the pain of separation - money, custody, bureaucracy - over the shame of cheating.
I have never cheated, but I also am not quick to judge those who have.

My parents never cheated on each other but my mother absolutely should have cheated on my father. While he never beat her he always made her feel unloved, and insignificant beyond raising kids and supporting his high-powered career. To outsiders, he looked like a perfect husband; he was smart as hell, financially successful, handsome, and charismatic. So if my mom was ever caught cheating, she alone would have been blamed by everyone around her - except her kids, who knew the truth.

As for your comment about agency.

With four kids to raise, my mom was a financial captive in her marriage - so leaving my Father would have been unthinkable for her. She completely subordinated her own happiness in order to give what she thought was the best possible home for her kids. Plus, by the time she might have considered leaving him, he had already quashed her self-esteem to the point that she didn't have the courage to apply for even a basic service job, let alone start a career.

Going through my Mom's things, my siblings and I would have been delighted to find letters from a secret lover. Knowing she had someone who made her feel loved and desirable would give us some peace. Sadly, we did not.

And I don't think her story is all that unique.

I don't know how old you are EmmAgain, but I do wonder if your views will soften by the time you're in your 50's and beyond.
 
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Gosh, thank you for sharing such a personal story!🙂 I’m v sorry to hear about your mom. She endured so much for the sake of domestic harmony, all the while getting crushed by the marriage. I hope at least her kids learned something from that rotten experience.

I’m being pretty naive and judgy tbh. My own dad vanished early on (though not his money) and mom coped with raising two boisterous daughters by embracing Jesus and Jack Daniels. I honestly don’t know if I’d be able to walk the walk if it came to divorce with children involved.🤔
 
Thanks @EmmAgain

Likewise, I'm sorry to hear about your challenges growing up.

We often hear of cheating as being the worst sin a spouse could commit within a marriage, but it's not even close. Sexual and physical abuse would be first. Verbal abuse would be next. ..And the sort of bullying, emotional neglect and constant disrespect that my mother endured would be next. All of these are much worse than a person seeking affection outside of the marriage.

And, as you acknowledged, leaving a bad marriage isn't always as simple as packing a bag, rounding the up the kids, and walking out the door.
 
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