Should I tell him, if so, how?

[Wisdom_Seeker]

I'm seeing this guy, and he's coming down to my place tomorrow.

I met him a couple of years ago at TAFE (Technical And Further Education - tertiary education that isn't university), but back then he had the most hideous hairstyle and was a bit of a loner. We kept intermittent contact since then and when I invited him to my birthday party last December he was good looking! Also, he has matured a great deal and makes an effort to be social nowadays.

I like him and would be happy with a vanilla relationship (should it get that far), provided I could still do stuff online.

I'm sexually dominant, although in my everyday life you wouldn't guess it! I can be a bit shy and people tend to think I'm 'innocent'.

Anyway, I think if I'm going to tell him it should be around now. We've met up (just us) a few times and went on a real date last weekend. If I'm going to tell I don't think I should leave it too late in case it's a dealbreaker for him.

So should I tell him and risk scaring him off? Should I tell him tomorrow? If I should, what's the best approach to telling him?

 

[WarLordwrites]

Greetings

How about you leave a toy out, like its "forgotten", say a single leather cuff or some such...

Then see if he notices and how he reacts. Take your cue from him. Even if you drop it and don't pursue it, you've opened the door -- at least a little.

Good luck

Enjoy the journey

WarLord

 

[Kiandra]

if Dominance is your path then tell him now.

 

[the captians wench]

Greetings

How about you leave a toy out, like its "forgotten", say a single leather cuff or some such...

Then see if he notices and how he reacts. Take your cue from him. Even if you drop it and don't pursue it, you've opened the door -- at least a little.

Good luck

Enjoy the journey

WarLord

I kind of like this idea. Subtle hints to what you're interested in. I know when I was new if some one came up to me and said "so I'm dominate and I'd really like to beat your ass when we have sex" I would have ran screaming. As it was I would see things laying around the shop I worked at and would comment on them, and then they were deminstrated on me. Was a lot of fun and I found I enjoyed it. So maybe even if he isn't into it now, he may have a curiosity that would be stroked by subtleness rather than something streight out. Sort of like aproaching a wild animal, slow sure steps so he knows what's going on.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think you need to be upfront. I'm not sure the online stuff works for most people in a relationship with a vanilla partner. Usually either the online player begins to want more, or the vanilla SO begins to feel cheated...not always, but more often than not hence why many never tell their SO and end up dumped when the secret comes out.

As to ways to tell him, you are probably best to know what would work best. You might actually be seling him short in assuming he wouldn't be interested in a D/s relationship....perhps he has a secret same as you. You could try being direct about it and just tell him that is your idea of a dream relationship, or if you are in any way sexual at this point, you could begin to take slight control and in some casual, perhaps playful way mention just how much you would love to have him under your total control, naked and devoted to your desires. Or you could ask him what he likes sexually, if he is open to experimentation, exploring, all of which will either get him talking and asking questions or at least curious as to why you would mention such things.

Catalina

 

[Aeroil]

Kssss, "Subtle Hints", I dislike this idea, it strikes me as deceptive.

Can't say I'd recommend bludgeoning him over the head with the fact but I'm agreeing with the "Tell him." peoples.

 

[amadaun]

I've found the whole subtle hints thing to work out way less well than I hoped it would, with vanilla folk. Zoom, right past the head, time for some weird stares and awkward silences. I mean, if he's a secret kinkster he'll probably catch on right away, but if not you're probably setting yourself up for frustration by going that route.

Granted, "so I'm dominant and I'd like to beat your ass during sex" is probably an equally bad route, but there are probably ways to be a little more direct ("I like to be in control during sex", perhaps) without totally scaring off somebody with no BDSM experience.

 

[Otto26]

1) Be yourself. If you go into a relationship being someone else, then you're kind of trapped being that other person.
2) Be direct, not subtle. Talk about this openly someplace where you've got a little privacy and you're both comfortable.
3) Don't be afraid. When you start talking about this the little alarm bell in his brain is going to start screaming "She's talking about having sex with her! The LEAST we can do is give this a listen."

It'll work out or it won't, but it really is better to be you and a little unhappy than someone else and a lot unhappy.

Good luck to you.

 

[Wisdom_Seeker]

Hey, thanks for all the advice guys. I've decided I'll start subtle, watch his reactions and slowly work my way up to being direct.

 

[FurryFury]

1) Be yourself. If you go into a relationship being someone else, then you're kind of trapped being that other person.
2) Be direct, not subtle. Talk about this openly someplace where you've got a little privacy and you're both comfortable.
3) Don't be afraid. When you start talking about this the little alarm bell in his brain is going to start screaming "She's talking about having sex with her! The LEAST we can do is give this a listen."

It'll work out or it won't, but it really is better to be you and a little unhappy than someone else and a lot unhappy.

Good luck to you.

I agree with the first of the above but I'd say how you tell the person is important. To just say I enjoy X can totally give the wrong impression particularly if X is linked in their minds to pain but in your mind to sensation.

Two people should be able to talk with one another about these things from the heart and listen to one another if they truly care about each other.

JMO.

Fury

 

[Otto26]

I agree with the first of the above but I'd say how you tell the person is important. To just say I enjoy X can totally give the wrong impression particularly if X is linked in their minds to pain but in your mind to sensation.

That's a great point. Don't assume the words you are using mean the same thing to him, and vice versa.

 

[Netzach]

I have found the catch phrase "direction" is helpful.

As in, coyly "do you mind taking directions?" wink

or "I like to give directions."

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

I prefer to be honest with people about such things....that way, you find out just how compatible you are with each other.....both of you need to know such things...and if you can accept the way each of you are...he might be sub...he might be a switch....you might discover a sub side and turn out to be switch...but admitting a kinky side, while scary in a way, ensures that both of you have that kind of honest, open communication needed to move any relationship forward....it's as vital to a new (and old) relationship as sex and fetishes....

 

[moonwatcher55]

take it slow

Personall I would like to get subtle hints, but they should be linked to eachother.

 

[Retrieval]

Coming from a vanilla guy: I guess it depends on what you mean when you say "you like to take control".
Seeming as this is in the BDSM section I'm going to go ahead and assume it means more than just you like to be on top.

Just go with it (sexually) in a vanilla way then start talking about your kinks as time goes on, you will both eventually learn what acceptable to him just like any other couple.

If you go ahead and say something like "I want to put a collar around your neck and slap you with a paddle", then I can't see you getting past your second date.

I might be way off on this, I'm just putting myself in his position.

 

[Retrieval]

Also the "leave things laying around for him to find" thing is iffy.
You will either excite him or scare him away.