She won't listen to Master!

[beef]

My girlfriend and i have been going out for quite a while and we enjoy an active dom/sub sex life but a vanilla exterior. We both crave sex more than most i'd say,but most importantly crave each other.

But after having a few discussions about sex and re-appearing in jokes; i've noticed how promiscuous she wants to be. We both love each other, there's no doubt about that but she wants to have physical relationships with other guys while still having the relationship with me. I cannot deny that i wouldn't have minded the same with other girls but i just find myself a one girl guy.

Her point of view is that it is just sex, which is far seperate from love and that what she did with other guys wouldn't affect our relationship. And i agree you can have sex without love but the whole thing still makes me uneasy.

The real problem is that i'm a pretty jealous guy, and i try not to be...i work hard so that she can have freedom flirting with other guys, etc. But the idea of her being dominated by another guy, let alone sex of any kind, burns a whole into my head.

The last part to this situation is that she says "if you don't feel comfortable with it, then i won't do it"... well, i appeciate that but i also appeciate you can't deny what you really feel inside and in the end it can come up...even if you have no control over it.

Now i find myself during sex saying things like "I'm your only master" and other things along those lines slip out despite trying to hide my insecurities.

Sorry for the long read............ i know there is a lot of smart people out there.....any advice would be great

 

[Richard49]

So are you to into D/s?

Is she your collared submissive?

 

[beef]

if by collarred you mean 100% mine.....no. It's a pretty mild d/s relationship which really only stays in the bedroom.

I thought this place would be the best forum to ask people just b/c i wondered if there is a connection between dom/subs and being in an open relationship as well

 

[Richard49]

if by collarred you mean 100% mine.....no. It's a pretty mild d/s relationship which really only stays in the bedroom.

I thought this place would be the best forum to ask people just b/c i wondered if there is a connection between dom/subs and being in an open relationship as well

The only connection is that some here pratice poly

 

[Lancecastor]

Often as not, when a woman says something like this:

"Her point of view is that it is just sex, which is far seperate from love and that what she did with other guys wouldn't affect our relationship. "

....she's already actively boning other guys.

 

[bunny bondage]

actually, lance has a point.

i'd say that while bdsm may be for you, this girl may not be.

 

[incubus_dark]

I think that Lace and Bunny have a point. I don't know enough to agree but I know enough to be suspicious (not saying alot perhaps, as I've been accused of mild paranoia before now)

However, you acknowledge yourself that your objections may not be totally reasonable, and you obviously want to make things work with your sub enough to pause and give it thought.

So, have you considered giving her what she wants, but on your terms; taking and keeping control of the situation? For instance, rather than capitulate to her desire to bone other guys (or if she actually is, assuage her guilt by being able to admit that she's boning other guys), and assuming that you can or even want to master the jealousy thing, why not give her to other guys on your terms and under your control.

For instance, you might have a couple of friends over for a prawn and pawn night (time honoured Australian tradition in which men eat shrimp, get drunk and watch tastless german pawn movies). Before they arrive tie her up naked in the bedroom and throw a sheet over her. When everybody is feeling relaxed and lustful, you can uncover her and offer her as the floor show. Should you not want your friends to know that they're boning your sub, bag her head (with the benefit that she doesn't know which of your friends have just had her). I'm sure you could think of a dozen similar scenarios that would be more fitting for you as an individual.

Just a note on jealousy: In my experience it comes in two types, rational and irrational. Rational jealousy is born from fear of losing that which you are jealous of and is commonly grounded on insecurity or a repressed knowleage that the object of jealousy was never really yours. Irrational jealousy tends to need no good reason and may be related to issues of self immage, posession or learned from parents. Knowing why you are jealous might help you decide whether to go ahead or stay away from this issue in general.

 

[bunny bondage]

there's also that kind of jealousy that comes from your loved one spreading her legs for every man in your area code...

 

[FungiUg]

Hmmm.

Any relationship is about communication and trust.

If your partner has told you that if you're not comfortable with her having sex with other people, she won't... then either you trust her or you don't.

If you trust her, then take her on her word and be honest with her. Tell her it won't work for you.

If you don't trust her, that's a whole 'nother problem.

Of course, whether she can handle a relationship where she can't have sex with other people remains to be seen. But from what you have said already, if you allow her that freedom, it will likely drive you apart because you can't handle it.

It pays to know yourself, and some people are the jealous types, some aren't. If you are the jealous type, then do not go into a polyamourous or open relationship of any kind. They're hard enough to make work if you don't have a problem with jealousy!

 

[FungiUg]

there's also that kind of jealousy that comes from your loved one spreading her legs for every man in your area code...

Perhaps so. But is she planning on doing that? My partner and I have a "semi-open" relationship, but we are selective about our sexual partners. If she's out there having sex with anyone who has two legs, then that's a different issue to if she just wants the freedom to have sex with someone she has a crush on at the time.

Sex and love are different. Some can't separate them, some can.

 

[Sandia]

If she is doing other guys, think how much you can punish her for it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Often as not, when a woman says something like this:

"Her point of view is that it is just sex, which is far seperate from love and that what she did with other guys wouldn't affect our relationship. "

....she's already actively boning other guys.

.... and if she is not, then at the very least, she is looking and hoping for it to happen.

His new motto? Lance knows women.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Well this whole situation seems rather familiar.. except that I am in a vanilla relationship.

I often have the desire to fuck men other than my bf. Not because I don't love him: I do. Not because he isn't good in bed: he is fantastic in bed. But my sex drive is about 5 times higher than his. I want it a lot more than he does. He hardly EVER masturbates, and we don't have sex that often. And I love the idea of some variety... not just of position, but of mindset, and penis shape. I have a semi-slutty nature.

But honestly, I don't want relationships with other men, I just want to fuck them. Men always think that women can't just fuck... lately, I'm beginning to learn that it's men who have trouble 'just fucking'. Maybe it's because they anticipate that women will look for more, I don't know, but a lot of the men I've talked to about this kind of situation (my friends and such), have trouble with the idea of letting THEIR girlfriends play around with other men, because they think that they'll lose their gf's to the new men.

My S/O has said that he doesn't want me going outside of our relationship for sex. And so I won't. I am not willing to risk damaging the best relationship I've ever had, for the sake of some sex. When your woman says that she won't do it, then trust her. Because your suspiciion will cause some serious troubles.

 

[Lancecastor]

.... and if she is not, then at the very least, she is looking and hoping for it to happen.

His new motto? Lance knows women.

Ha!

Actually, I think I read people reasonably well.

It sounds to me like our thread-starter is a bit insecure about his gf and that she's looking to play around. As others have noticed, he's not approaching the situ from a particularly D perspective; she's sounding independant of him and therefore not terribly sub.

As for Vixenshe's comments, I suggest that neither gender has the market cornered on open relationships or recreational sex. I have dated women I felt jealous about and others I haven't....each relationship has its own signature, rapport and trust level, I think.

 

[Richard49]

no man understands women

 

[bunny bondage]

don't feel bad Richard, nobody really understands anybody, i'm afraid.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

there's also that kind of jealousy that comes from your loved one spreading her legs for every man in your area code...

Amen, sister!

 

[Richard49]

don't feel bad Richard, nobody really understands anybody, i'm afraid.

If we would just talk
which also means listen

shacking my head here

 

[Guest]

If we would just talk
which also means listen

That's it, Richard. *Listening* is crucial.

My simple impression, Beef: from your posts it's obvious your fears and anxiety are too at the front right now. Talk to her, trying not to focus on your reactions but listening to *her* and ask about her thoughts and feelings. It could end up messy, but in the end the truth cannot really hurt; without it you're still fearful and groping in the dark.

I mean well, hope I don't sound too mom-ish. Best, Perdita

 

[FungiUg]

That's it, Richard. *Listening* is crucial.

It's also hard. As is saying what you want. Communication is the crucial element of sucessful relationships, and at the same time, it's something we do incredibly poorly!

Women are not inherently better at it than men, either. (Well, not in my experience.) We're all equally bad!

 

[Guest]

It's also hard. As is saying what you want. Communication is the crucial element of sucessful relationships, and at the same time, it's something we do incredibly poorly!

Women are not inherently better at it than men, either. (Well, not in my experience.) We're all equally bad!

FU: you're right, I did not mean to imply women were better; I've met many men who taught me much about listening.

O. Wilde said the same about communication being essential in his letter (later titled De Profundis) from Reading Gaol to his downfall-lover Bosie. Communication is fundamental in any human relation.

regards, Perdita

 

[Richard49]

I agree that women are no btter at listening then men
at lest in my experence

I listen carefully.... ask questions.....
repeat what i heard in different words
so that i know I heard...... I have had my head bite of for doing such

(I think I am becoming old and bitter)

 

[Guest]

(I think I am becoming old and bitter)

No, no, no - it's older and wiser, sir.

Perdita

 

[DisGirlisNutz]

My girlfriend and i have been going out for quite a while and we enjoy an active dom/sub sex life but a vanilla exterior. We both crave sex more than most i'd say,but most importantly crave each other.

Are you sure, Really Sure

But after having a few discussions about sex and re-appearing in jokes; i've noticed how promiscuous she wants to be. We both love each other, there's no doubt about that but she wants to have physical relationships with other guys while still having the relationship with me. I cannot deny that i wouldn't have minded the same with other girls but i just find myself a one girl guy.

Does she want you involved when she is being with another guy

Her point of view is that it is just sex, which is far seperate from love and that what she did with other guys wouldn't affect our relationship. And i agree you can have sex without love but the whole thing still makes me uneasy.

IF it makes you this uneasy, then don't do it it will ruin the real love you have

The real problem is that i'm a pretty jealous guy, and i try not to be...i work hard so that she can have freedom flirting with other guys, etc. But the idea of her being dominated by another guy, let alone sex of any kind, burns a whole into my head.

forget about the sex part, go to a bdsm party see how you feel when someone else is spanking her.

The last part to this situation is that she says "if you don't feel comfortable with it, then i won't do it"... well, i appeciate that but i also appeciate you can't deny what you really feel inside and in the end it can come up...even if you have no control over it.

If she truely loves you, and she knows it bothers you then she should not talk about it any more. I believe that you can fulfill her sexually enough that she would not need another man to sexually fullfill her needs

Now i find myself during sex saying things like "I'm your only master" and other things along those lines slip out despite trying to hide my insecurities.

tell her about your insurities, She will understand

Sorry for the long read............ i know there is a lot of smart people out there.....any advice would be great

I was kind of in the same situation with my Ex husband.... One of the big reason's he is my EX.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You may find some insight through reading the BDSM thread 'Being Shared'. My feeling is always if one party is not comfortable with it, it is not a good way to go. You choosing her partners and being present are also options but not if it is not going to give you anything of value as in a turn on, or sense of dominating her etc.

Catalina