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[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Man and His Two Sweethearts

A MIDDLE-AGED MAN, whose hair had begun to turn gray, courted two
women at the same time. One of them was young, and the other
well advanced in years. The elder woman, ashamed to be courted
by a man younger than herself, made a point, whenever her admirer
visited her, to pull out some portion of his black hairs. The
younger, on the contrary, not wishing to become the wife of an
old man, was equally zealous in removing every gray hair she
could find. Thus it came to pass that between them both he very
soon found that he had not a hair left on his head.


Those who seek to please everybody please nobody.​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Mother and the Wolf

A FAMISHED WOLF was prowling about in the morning in search of
food. As he passed the door of a cottage built in the forest, he
heard a Mother say to her child, "Be quiet, or I will throw you
out of the window, and the Wolf shall eat you." The Wolf sat all
day waiting at the door. In the evening he heard the same woman
fondling her child and saying: "You are quiet now, and if the
Wolf should come, we will kill him." The Wolf, hearing these
words, went home, gasping with cold and hunger. When he reached
his den, Mistress Wolf inquired of him why he returned wearied
and supperless, so contrary to his wont. He replied: "Why,
forsooth! use I gave credence to the words of a woman!"

Enemies' promises are made to be broken​

 

[kendra1980]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,
stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?



M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

I made this one myself

The Demon from Heaven and The Angel From Hell

A woman saw two powerful creatures, one was a beautiful Angel of light, the other was an evil looking Demon. The demon said to the woman "do not let my looks fool you I am harmless", the Angel said to the woman "do not trust him he is a Demon the most vile of evil". The woman liking the look and the sound of the Angels voice decided to leave with the Angel. Days later the woman was found dead by the Angel, the Domen cried and shook his head in shame.

Do not judge by looks but by character​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Shipwrecked Impostor


The shipwrecked Chimpanzee had been clinging for a long time to a
slender spar, when a Dolphin came up and offered to carry him
ashore. This kind proposition was immediately accepted, and, as they
moved along, the Chimp commenced to tell the Fish many marvelous
tales, every one of them a bundle of falsehoods. "Well, well, you
are indeed an educated chap," said the Dolphin in admiration. "My
schooling has been sadly neglected, as I went to sea when but a week
old." Just then they entered a large bay, and the Dolphin, referring
to it, said, "I suppose you know Herring Roads?" The chimp, taking
this for the name of a fellow, and not wishing to appear ignorant,
replied: "Do I know Rhodes? Well, I should almost think so! He's an
old college chum of mine, and related to our family by-" This was
too much for the Dolphin, who immediately made a great leap, and
then diving quickly, left the impostor in the air for an instant
before he splashed back and disappeared.

"A liar deceives no one but himself."​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Two Poets


Two Poets were quarrelling for the Apple of Discord and the Bone of
Contention, for they were very hungry.

"My sons," said Apollo, "I will part the prizes between you. You,"
he said to the First Poet, "excel in Art - take the Apple. And
you," he said to the Second Poet, "in Imagination - take the Bone."

"To Art the best prize!" said the First Poet, triumphantly, and
endeavouring to devour his award broke all his teeth. The Apple
was a work of Art.

"That shows our Master's contempt for mere Art," said the Second
Poet, grinning.

Thereupon he attempted to gnaw his Bone, but his teeth passed
through it without resistance. It was an imaginary Bone.​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

Alarm and Pride


"GOOD-MORNING, my friend," said Alarm to Pride; "how are you this
morning?"

"Very tired," replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the
wayside and mopping his steaming brow. "The politicians are
wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with ME, when
they could as well use a stick."

Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:

"It is pretty much the same way here. Instead of using an opera-
glass they view the acts of their opponents with ME!"

As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were
notified that they must go on duty again, for one of the political
parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification
meeting.​

 

[Riles]

You're missing one the best of the Aesop Fables.

The Ass and his Purchaser


A man who wanted to buy an Ass went to market, and, coming across
a likely-looking beast, arranged with the owner that he should be
allowed to take him home on trial to see what he was like. When he
reached home, he put him into his stable along with the other asses.
The newcomer took a look round, and immediately went and chose a place
next to the laziest and greediest beast in the stable. When the master
saw this he put a halter on him at once, and led him off and handed
him over to his owner again. The latter was a good deal surprised to
seem him back so soon, and said, "Why, do you mean to say you have
tested him already?" "I don't want to put him through any more tests,"
replied the other. "I could see what sort of beast he is from the
companion he chose for himself."


"A man is known by the company he keeps."

 

[Riles]

And then of course one of the most well known...

The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing


A Wolf found great difficulty in getting at the sheep owing to
the vigilance of the shepherd and his dogs. But one day it found
the skin of a sheep that had been flayed and thrown aside, so it
put it on over its own pelt and strolled down among the sheep.
The Lamb that belonged to the sheep, whose skin the Wolf was
wearing, began to follow the Wolf in the Sheep's clothing; so,
leading the Lamb a little apart, he soon made a meal off her, and
for some time he succeeded in deceiving the sheep, and enjoying
hearty meals.


Appearances are deceptive.

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

An erotic fable of witches and wizards

She was alone in a dark cell. A young and inexperienced witch she had fallen prey to the charms of the evil wizard and his snake’s tongue.

There she was walking down the corridor of the hall when she saw him approaching. She saw him from a distance and was fascinated by his smooth skull, the nose almost non-existent and the wide red mouth with its long tongue slithering in and out.

He was so slender in his black suit and cape, so light on his feet. His shoulders were visibly broad even under the black and red cape and his slender waist and long flanks were like those on a male model. He carried his hands folded in front of him. They were long and slender like his fingers and arms.

She found herself blushing as she imagined being held by those supple arms that looked so strong and the tongue itself looked intriguing. She felt the heat rise in her as she could picture how handy such a tongue might be in an erotic embrace. She had the urge to examine it more closely and her lips parted slightly as he drew nearer.

His feet were long and slender like his other appendages and a thought flashed through her mind about what other parts of him might look like.

She was almost dreamy when he was upon her and she suddenly understood that he was not just light on his feet, he was hovering, like a bat. She panicked and was unable to call on her own considerable charms in time to confound him. He enfolded her in his cape and all went blank.

Until she woke here in this cell.

The evil wizard was known for what he did to young women. If he used his tongue on her without her being able to use her own magic, she would be his slave forever.

She struggled and realized she was shackled to the wall by chains around her wrists.

She had no idea how long she had been unconscious but was certain he had not yet had his way with her. She could resist him if she could only get her hands free.

She stood up when she suddenly heard a knock on the brick wall. She kicked it with the back of her shoe and the sharp spike of her heel, magically endowed as it was, blasted out a hole.

She looked down and saw the head of her teen aged classmate appear. He looked completely awkward as he usually did with his magic glasses sliding down his nose which was sniffling at the time. His head was looking straight up her dress and he seemed wonder struck for a moment.

“What are you doing!” she asked.

”Oh. I was reconnoitering. I just stuck my head through first. I used my glasses to find you,” he whispered. “Are you all right?”

“Yes I’m still fine. I would know if he had used his magic tongue on me. Can you fit through the hole?”

“Yes, give us a minute,” he said. “I’m not that big.”

And sure enough, with a bit of struggle and wiggle, he squeezed through the hole and stood up before her.

He was not quite as tall she was and completely disheveled. His wavy brown hair stuck out in different directions and his shirt was torn and dirty and hanging half out of his baggy trousers, which were worn and ripped at the knees.

Adjusting the glasses on his head, he said, “I see you are still untouched by the magic tongue. I better get you out of there.”

“Well, hurry up, will you? He could be here at any minute.” She watched him fumble with the shackles on her wrists and mumbled half to herself, “what a nerd!”

He said, “What?”

“I said, is that a noise I heard?”

He paused and listened. “I don’t think so.”

“I can’t use my real magic on you or he might hear,” he explained as he continued to fumble, as he had fumbled with her bra when they had been making out and she had finally gotten up in exasperation.

“My god, can’t you do any better!” she exclaimed just as he got one hand loose.

“SSShhh!” he hissed and that is when she realized the hissing was not stopping.

With her free hand she pulled down the top of her dress and shone her two shining orbs into the darkness.

Two male voices, one closer and one further away and hissing said “Holy shit!”

Her rescuer fell down with the blast of light but the evil wizard managed to pull the cloak up in front of his eyes and advanced.

“I’ll have you soon enough,” his snake voice came through the gloom and she could see the flickering snake tongue shoot out from behind the cape, just missing her shining orbs.

He managed to lick her face and she felt immediately drawn to its power. She tried to take it into her mouth as he snapped it back and then it was on her lips, parting them and darting between them.

She was feeling faint as the tongue entered her mouth and massaged her. It tasted so delicious and sweet, she wanted more, but a small voice in her head said, “resist!” And then she heard her school mate say the words even louder as he stood in front of her, his hands massaging the light of her orbs so that it struck the evil wizard in the eye.

“AAArgh!” he cried and briefly retreated.

Her friend was now frantically rubbing the orbs trying to increase the light. He touched the two knobs in the centre of the orbs and rubbed them as hard as he could.

“Not so hard,” she gasped. “It only works if you rub them gently.”

He followed her instructions and glow from her chest started to fill the room. He tried to use his own mouth magic on her by licking and sucking the tips.

Her knees started to buckle and she could only manage to murmur, “my god, that’s so good,” before she realized that his use of his mouth was having the wrong effect.

“Stop, stop,” she cried and as he moved his head she could see the snake like face coming closer.

“Do something!” she screamed and then her friend turned to face the evil wizard.

To her shock, she saw him pull down his pants and heard the evil wizard gasp, “No! Not that!”

“Yes, it’s true, I’ve been keeping this weapon under wraps. I was not sure it was powerful enough to face you but you have forced me to use it.”

Her friend stepped out of his pants and started to maneouvre. She caught a glimpse of his magnificent wand as he waved it casually in the wizard’s direction.

The wizard used his cape to defend himself and tried to flick his tongue at the stick which faced him but his tongue was not long enough to reach all the way and the light from the stiff rod was too bright for him to face.

And as she watched in fascination, her admiration for her school chum grew in leaps and bounds. He handled the wand superbly and waved it in a weaving motion as if it itself were a snake.

The motion, produced a more and more intense heat in the room which she could feel in her own loins as the rod grew even larger.

Suddenly a bright white stream of light shout out of the tip of the wand and burned right through the wizard’s cape and on to his face.

“Aaahh, it burns, it burns!” he cried and was suddenly lifted off his feet by the force of the stream of light hitting him.

The wizard’s skin started to dissolve and her school mate advanced. At the very last minute, the wizard managed to flick his tongue at his opponent whose own mouth was open at the time. The wizard’s tongue entered even as his body was disappearing and with one last gasp he spat down his tongue all the venom he could muster and then he was gone.

The witch could not believe her eyes. Her class mate, with the skewed glasses now turned to her with the largest wand she had ever seen. She was blinded by it as he approached and easily freed her other hand.

“My god, you were so wonderful. I didn’t realize… that your wand…was so huge!”

“I was always afraid to use its power,” he said with a slight hiss.

“May I touch it? You handled it so superbly. What are its properties?”

As she said this her own dress slipped lower and her orbs were fully exposed.

“I think you will find it hassss medisssinal propertiesss and can heal all woundsss,”he said, his long tongue flickering out of his mouth and licking her all over.

She felt stunned. First she felt tremendously excited by this tongue and moved her own mouth down to caress it. Second, she had never expected this nerd to have such power. Her hand closed on the rod between his legs and she stroked the smooth surface; she was especially fascinated by the larger end of it where all the bright white light had come from and which now felt so silky.

As she felt his tongue move over her body, she felt weak once again. She felt his body grow taller and his flanks grow sleeker.

For a moment she was afraid the wizard had managed to pass his evil on but as she looked up into his face, she knew that only the tongue had been affected. He still had the same warm brown eyes and wavy hair that now seemed comforting rather than comical.

She could not resist the tongue much longer and pulled the dress completely down. Her orbs were shining and the centre of her body, her hidden charms now opened at his touch which she felt to be so gentle.

The light from his rod met a brilliant light from her centre which opened wide as if to welcome home a long lost friend.

His rod and her crucible joined and her head rolled back. As she looked up at his face, he lifted her onto his hips, now much taller than she and as they moved slowly together, she tossed her head from side to side and felt the liquid light gush down her thighs.

As she let out a scream of pleasure just before she lost consciousness, she was aware that the light around them was almost as strong as a super nova and she knew that the evil wizard had failed. He had only succeeded in passing on his snake’s tongue and body, but not his mind. Now the gentle man with whom she was joined was the most powerful wizard in the world.

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

THE SCORPION AND THE LADYBUG

A Scorpion befriended a Ladybug who became a loyal companion
to him. A time came when she struggled to cross a challenging
and dangerous river, and so the Scorpion offered to take her
to the other side on his back. He had come to care for her
and promised he would never harm her. But, safely across the
river, he allowed his tail to dip upon her with its venomous
sting. As she lay in greatest pain, she said, "... but, you
promised... why?" He shrugged and said, sadly, "Because it is
my Nature."


Regardless of our wishes, or even our intent,
it is to our Nature alone that we will be faithful.​

 

[Sensualdreamer]

Thank you for the thread Zip...I've heard some of these as a child, very much a good thread

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

Thank you for the thread Zip...I've heard some of these as a child, very much a good thread

You are very welcome I am happy you enjoy them.

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Ant and the Grasshopper


In a field one summer's day a Grasshopper was hopping about, chirping and singing to its heart's content. An Ant passed by, bearing along with great toil an ear of corn he was taking to the nest.

"Why not come and chat with me," said the Grasshopper, "instead of toiling and moiling in that way?"
"I am helping to lay up food for the winter," said the Ant, "and recommend you to do the same."
"Why bother about winter?" said the Grasshopper; we have got plenty of food at present." But the Ant went on its way and continued its toil.
When the winter came the Grasshopper found itself dying of hunger, while it saw the ants distributing, every day, corn and grain from the stores they had collected in the summer.

Then the Grasshopper knew...
It is best to prepare for the days of necessity.​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Critics


WHILE bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured
of his beauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended
from Olympus to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with
the head of Medusa on it, she had the unhappiness to see the
beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching a glimpse of it. She
straightway ascended to ask Jove to restore him; but before this
could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied
him.

"This is a very bad Apollo," said the Sculptor: "the chest is too
narrow, and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other.
The attitude is unnatural, and I may say impossible. Ah! my
friend, you should see my statue of Antinous."

"In my judgment, the figure," said the Critic, "is tolerably good,
though rather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly
Tuscan, and therefore false to nature. By the way, have you read
my work on 'The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?"​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

Father and Son


"MY boy," said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son, "a
hot temper is the soil of remorse. Promise me that when next you
are angry you will count one hundred before you move or speak."

No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow
from the paternal walking-stick, and by the time he had counted to
seventy-five had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a
waiting cab and whirl away.​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

Physicians Two


A WICKED Old Man finding himself ill sent for a Physician, who
prescribed for him and went away. Then the Wicked Old Man sent for
another Physician, saying nothing of the first, and an entirely
different treatment was ordered. This continued for some weeks,
the physicians visiting him on alternate days and treating him for
two different disorders, with constantly enlarging doses of
medicine and more and more rigorous nursing. But one day they
accidently met at his bedside while he slept, and the truth coming
out a violent quarrel ensued.

"My good friends," said the patient, awakened by the noise of the
dispute, and apprehending the cause of it, "pray be more
reasonable. If I could for weeks endure you both, can you not for
a little while endure each other? I have been well for ten days,
but have remained in bed in the hope of gaining by repose the
strength that would justify me in taking your medicines. So far I
have touched none of it."​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

Two of the Damned


TWO Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a
blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.

"I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a
voice like that of a singing tomb.

"And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being,
with the accent of a penitent accordeon.

They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down
each other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of
Ineffable Bosh. For one of these accursed creatures was the First
of January, and the other the Twenty-fifth of December.​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Judge and the Rash Act


A JUDGE who had for years looked in vain for an opportunity for
infamous distinction, but whom no litigant thought worth bribing,
sat one day upon the Bench, lamenting his hard lot, and threatening
to put an end to his life if business did not improve. Suddenly he
found himself confronted by a dreadful figure clad in a shroud,
whose pallor and stony eyes smote him with a horrible apprehension.

"Who are you," he faltered, "and why do you come here?"

"I am the Rash Act," was the sepulchral reply; "you may commit me."

"No," the judge said, thoughtfully, "no, that would be quite
irregular. I do not sit to-day as a committing magistrate."​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Nightside of Character


A GIFTED and Honourable Editor, who by practice of his profession
had acquired wealth and distinction, applied to an Old Friend for
the hand of his daughter in marriage.

"With all my heart, and God bless you!" said the Old Friend,
grasping him by both hands. "It is a greater honour than I had
dared to hope for."

"I knew what your answer would be," replied the Gifted and
Honourable Editor. "And yet," he added, with a sly smile, "I feel
that I ought to give you as much knowledge of my character as I
possess. In this scrap-book is such testimony relating to my shady
side, as I have within the past ten years been able to cut from the
columns of my competitors in the business of elevating humanity to
a higher plane of mind and morals - my 'loathsome contemporaries.'"

Laying the book on a table, he withdrew in high spirits to make
arrangements for the wedding. Three days later he received the
scrap-book from a messenger, with a note warning him never again to
darken his Old Friend's door.

"See!" the Gifted and Honourable Editor exclaimed, pointing to that
injunction - "I am a painter and grainer!"

And he was led away to the Asylum for the Indiscreet.​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Old Man and the Pupil


A BEAUTIFUL Old Man, meeting a Sunday-school Pupil, laid his hand
tenderly upon the lad's head, saying: "Listen, my son, to the words
of the wise and heed the advice of the righteous."

"All right," said the Sunday-school Pupil; "go ahead."

"Oh, I haven't anything to do with it myself," said the Beautiful
Old Man. "I am only observing one of the customs of the age. I am
a pirate."

And when he had taken his hand from the lad's head, the latter
observed that his hair was full of clotted blood. Then the
Beautiful Old Man went his way, instructing other youth.​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Deceased and his Heirs


A MAN died leaving a large estate and many sorrowful relations who
claimed it. After some years, when all but one had had judgment
given against them, that one was awarded the estate, which he asked
his Attorney to have appraised.

"There is nothing to appraise," said the Attorney, pocketing his
last fee.

"Then," said the Successful Claimant, "what good has all this
litigation done me?"

"You have been a good client to me," the Attorney replied,
gathering up his books and papers, "but I must say you betray a
surprising ignorance of the purpose of litigation."​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

Revenge


AN Insurance Agent was trying to induce a Hard Man to Deal With to
take out a policy on his house. After listening to him for an
hour, while he painted in vivid colours the extreme danger of fire
consuming the house, the Hard Man to Deal With said:

"Do you really think it likely that my house will burn down inside
the time that policy will run?"

"Certainly," replied the Insurance Agent; "have I not been trying
all this time to convince you that I do?"

"Then," said the Hard Man to Deal With, "why are you so anxious to
have your Company bet me money that it will not?"

The Agent was silent and thoughtful for a moment; then he drew the
other apart into an unfrequented place and whispered in his ear:

"My friend, I will impart to you a dark secret. Years ago the
Company betrayed my sweetheart by promise of marriage. Under an
assumed name I have wormed myself into its service for revenge; and
as there is a heaven above us, I will have its heart's blood!"​

 

[ZipBlockBloodie]

The Citizen and the Snakes


A PUBLIC-SPIRITED Citizen who had failed miserably in trying to
secure a National political convention for his city suffered
acutely from dejection. While in that frame of mind he leaned
thoughtlessly against a druggist's show-window, wherein were one
hundred and fifty kinds of assorted snakes. The glass breaking,
the reptiles all escaped into the street.

"When you can't do what you wish," said the Public-spirited
Citizen, "it is worth while to do what you can."​