Shadow Theater

[daughter]

Shadow Theatre by Homer Pindar is honest and woeful. The tone is on mark. No over-the -top sentimentality gook. Critical without raving mad. The form foreshadows the doom I still pray we avoid.

Kudos, Homer.

Peace,

daughter

 

[HomerPindar]

Thanks, d. hope to see you sticking around a bit

 

[Senna Jawa]

Thanks, d. hope to see you sticking around a bit

HomePindar, don't be fooled by daughter. Your text has hardly any pretext to be called poetry. The phrases "Pacific Theater" and the "Shadow Theater" of the dead is all that you can claim (and the two don't even harmonize well, they are a bit at odds). Otherwise your text is just talk-talk. Virtually the whole poem is a pronouncement after a pronouncement. It's not any poetry at all.

BTW, on Hiroshima sidewalks there actually were shadows of human bodies left after the H-bomb exploded. Human bodies shielded the sidewalks from the heat somewhat.

The building in which I worked a couple of years ago got burned, on purpose. I didn't work late into that particular night or else I would not bother you now . Afterwards, there were all kind of "shadows" left in my office here and there (from the heat, not from flames) , e.g. on the styrofoam cups and on papers.

Regards,

 

[WickedEve]

Homer, the terzanelle was a good choice of forms for a poem with a serious tone. But I didn't even pick up on the form or pay much attention to the rhyme after the first reading. I had to go back and read it more closely. You should read Judo's Shadow Theater to get an idea of how well a terzanelle can read. I think with a little editing you'd have a much better piece. As is, it doesn't have as good a rhythm as it should.

Still, I applaud your effort with this form. I'm still trying to achieve Judo's level of skill myself.

Eve

 

[daughter]

Bow to the master

Senna,

Thank God someone can see through my foolishness. LMBAO
Thanks for correcting me and showing Pindar the way. You are FUNNY.

Peace,

d

 

[WickedEve]

HomePindar, don't be fooled by daughter.

Honestly, SJ, you make daughter sound like a evil sorceress. "Don't let her mesmerize you, boy! She'll lull you into a poetic stupor until you won't be able to rhyme CAT by the time she's through with you." lol

 

[Rybka]

One Small Correction

HomePindar, don't be fooled by daughter. Your text has hardly any pretext to be called poetry. The phrases "Pacific Theater" and the "Shadow Theater" of the dead is all that you can claim (and the two don't even harmonize well, they are a bit at odds). Otherwise your text is just talk-talk. Virtually the whole poem is a pronouncement after a pronouncement. It's not any poetry at all.

BTW, on Hiroshima sidewalks there actually were shadows of human bodies left after the H-bomb exploded. Human bodies shielded the sidewalks from the heat somewhat.
...
Regards,

While I would never dare challenge your poetic insights, S.J., I will your historical remembrance. The bomb at Hiroshima, as well at Nagasaki was a primitive fission device. Teller et al had barely begun the theoretical work on producing a thermonuclear reaction and had yet to receive permission to design a practical weapon.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[HomerPindar]

Your ego may get in the way of your poetry, Senna, and it certainly obstructs your critisism. On top of which, you now appear to contradict yourself, Senna, in order to ridicule daughter.

HomePindar, don't be fooled by daughter. Your text has hardly any pretext to be called poetry. The phrases "Pacific Theater" and the "Shadow Theater" of the dead is all that you can claim (and the two don't even harmonize well, they are a bit at odds). Otherwise your text is just talk-talk. Virtually the whole poem is a pronouncement after a pronouncement. It's not any poetry at all.

From this I would take it you thought my effort was "talk-talk," (not that this means anything to me, what is talk-talk mean as critisism?) which implies babble, or perhaps childish endevour. Yet, on your own thread you've posted:

HomePindar's poem is complex, ambitious. I wouild like more clarity, but possibly it is only my own shortcoming. A very nice, mature art.

I go from a mature, very nice art to not poetry at all? Make up your mind Senna, and stop trying to make up mine, be it about fellow poets or poetry.

HomerPindar

 

[HomerPindar]

Homer, the terzanelle was a good choice of forms for a poem with a serious tone. But I didn't even pick up on the form or pay much attention to the rhyme after the first reading. I had to go back and read it more closely. You should read Judo's Shadow Theater to get an idea of how well a terzanelle can read. I think with a little editing you'd have a much better piece. As is, it doesn't have as good a rhythm as it should.

Still, I applaud your effort with this form. I'm still trying to achieve Judo's level of skill myself.

Eve

Hold on, is the self evidence of the form something to aim for? Is it not possible that by not being aware of the form one can claim a mastery over it? Hmmm, I'm puzzled on this one.

Not that I don't agree with the assesment of the poem, it's not my best. I wanted to try the terzanelle challenge, but had no insperation. When the title was posted my mind went out for a distant defintion or working of the title elements, and wha-la, I pulled out theater of combat and the atomic shadows.... But I don't think I pulled off the poem as well as I might have. In particular the last six lines don't work for me, even after I've reworked them. But, I so liked the first set of lines that I got stuck... ah well. Perhaps I can continue to rework this over time.

The form is a puzzle, certainly a challenge...

HomerPindar

 

[WickedEve]

Form or not, awareness of form or not, to me the rhythm was still off. Though, I have problems with that myself, so maybe you have rhythm and I was too rhythm-less to see it. lol
I do like your terzanelle, but I think it could be better and I expect the best from Homer!

 

[HomerPindar]

Form or not, awareness of form or not, to me the rhythm was still off. Though, I have problems with that myself, so maybe you have rhythm and I was too rhythm-less to see it. lol
I do like your terzanelle, but I think it could be better and I expect the best from Homer!

chuckle, stop expecting

and yes, perhaps that is what was bothering me about the poem. I, for one, am not good at meter and rhythm....

HomerPindar

 

[OT]

The "problem" with the poem was the missing rhythm. I think I agree, Homer, that true mastery of a form is to make the form invisible.

I remember reading a very good poem a while ago, and only after a bit did I notice that it was a sonnet. (I usually don't care for sonnets) I had sort of a mini epiphany ... I don't dislike sonnets after all -- I dislike mediocre sonnets.

 

[Rybka]

Your ego may get in the way of your poetry, Senna, and it certainly obstructs your critisism. On top of which, you now appear to contradict yourself, Senna, in order to ridicule daughter.


From this I would take it you thought my effort was "talk-talk," (not that this means anything to me, what is talk-talk mean as critisism?) which implies babble, or perhaps childish endevour. Yet, on your own thread you've posted:


I go from a mature, very nice art to not poetry at all? Make up your mind Senna, and stop trying to make up mine, be it about fellow poets or poetry.

HomerPindar

Senna Jawa is obviously feeling better!

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Senna Jawa]

you now appear to contradict yourself, Senna,

I made like a huge typo, hence this justified impression, but it's an artifact.

From this I would take it you thought my effort was "talk-talk," (not that this means anything to me, what is talk-talk mean as critisism?)

(yes, criticism, severe).

HomerPindar, and everybody, and especially darkmaas, I apologize for my huge error. When I wrote:

    X's poem is complex, ambitious. I would like
    more clarity, but possibly it is only my own
    shortcoming. A very nice, mature art.

I didn't mean HomerPindar text, void of any artistic value, but the very nice poem by darkmaas. Thank you HomerPindar for pointing my error to me. In your text, HomePindar, there was nothing unclear, and certainly no mature art, no art at all.

I was dealing simultaneously with 19 poems and several open, overlapping and obstructed windows at the same end of sleepless night time, hence the silly, but obvious error. I still should be more careful. You can see that HomerPindar poem was on Lauren list just after darkmaas, and my error didn't raise any alarm about the order in which I mentioned the selected poems. HomerPindar's one was not among them, far from it.

Oh, so many words about such an obvious trivial but huge error.

Actually, it's kind of funny too.

When it comes to daughter, I have read several of her comments in the past but I never got any impression from them that she really knows what she is talking about. Her judgment is useless (her greatest contribution so far is that indirectly, with her nonsensical comment she has caused a clarification of my big typo ).

Peace, best regards,

 

[WickedEve]

Senna

"When it comes to daughter, I have read several of her comments in the past but I never got any impression from them that she really knows what she is talking about. Her judgment is useless"

What's the point of insulting someone? Why not save criticism for poems and stop directing it at the poets or anyone else that is here to comment? You don't have to agree with any of us, but I think what you said to daughter was uncalled for. You're better than that S.J.

 

[Rybka]

Glad you are feeling better, S.J.!

I made like a huge typo, hence this justified impression, but it's an artifact.(yes, criticism, severe).

HomerPindar, and everybody, and especially darkmaas, I apologize for my huge error. When I wrote:

    X's poem is complex, ambitious. I would like
    more clarity, but possibly it is only my own
    shortcoming. A very nice, mature art.

I didn't mean HomerPindar text, void of any artistic value, but the very nice poem by darkmaas. Thank you HomerPindar for pointing my error to me. In your text, HomePindar, there was nothing unclear, and certainly no mature art, no art at all.

I was dealing simultaneously with 19 poems and several open, overlapping and obstructed windows at the same end of sleepless night time, hence the silly, but obvious error. I stilshould be more careful. You can see that HomerPindar poem was on Laren list just after darkmaas, and my error didn't raise any alarm about the order in which I mentioned the selected poems. HomerPindar's one was not among them, far from it.

Oh, so many words about such an obvious trivial but huge error.

Actually, it's kind of funny too.

When it comes to daughter, I have read several of her comments in the past but I never got any impression from them that she really knows what she is talking about. Her judgment is useless (her greatest contribution so far is that indirectly, with her nonsensical comment she has caused a clarification of my big typo ).

Peace, best regards,

I was worried about you for awhile!
Welcome back to your old persona.

S.J. Do you still want to say that you liked my submission? What did I do that was wrong?

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Glad you are feeling better, S.J.!

I was worried about you for awhile!
Welcome back to your old persona.

S.J. Do you still want to say that you liked my submission? What did I do that was wrong?

Rybka, I have already corrected my "Shadow Theater/Theatre -- comments" post. I am sorry, especially to darkmaas, but also to HP and all of you for my error. 19 poems to look at was a lot, plus one window with Lauren's links, one for editing, plus more. On the top of it I am not used to some nicks/names as much as to other names of participants whith which I had more contact, like daughter for instance, who was on this board active even before me.

Rybka and Eve, it's well known that good poems are not as common as poor poems, especially on an open forum like Literotica. The same goes for comments. My objective observation about daughter's commenting was adequate to reality and there was not even a slight trace of any insult, not a hint. (It's not possible to insult comments which are already an insult to themselves. OK, now you may turn my own comment against me in a mechanical manner, and you may add a smiley to it, go ahead, claiming "sense of humor").

Whenever I run into a good poem I am happy, and whenever I have a chance to say good things about a poem I am happy to do so, and I did in the past, here on Literotica. Occasionally there are good things in a poem but the drawbacks dominate. Then I might say nothing because it is complicated, it takes quite a bit of energy to present the state of affairs then, without misleading readers. I don't have much energy, and I am slow too.

Poets in general like to hear about their poems, and they like to hear good words especially. I believe that I am like this too but perhaps to less extent. It looks, Rybka, like you would like to hear more about your poem. But I already have commented, I justified why I liked your haiku. At this moment, without further discussion and questions, I don't have more comments. At least you know that I was really talking about your poem, I was very specific, there is no room for any mistake On the other hand, in the case of darkmaas poem, I liked it a lot, but I was not up to the task of writing more specifically, at least not in a few words. Hence my comment, unfortunately, was not specific enough (while certainly it still didn't fit the other poem, which I named by a mistake).

Best regards,