wistfulwench
Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2012
- Posts
- 61
I’ve been thinking for some time about the general fading of sexual passion in long-term relationships, the importance of sexual satisfaction to the individual, and what this means for monogamy.
Perhaps it’s just my way of justifying some of the things I’ve done in my life.
These are certainly not novel thoughts, and I’m sure I’ve read some of these general ideas in various places. But I’d love to have some intelligent and sincere discussion of this general topic from people with experience who have opened their minds and not lived with blindfolds on or their religious and societal expectations unquestioned.
Sexual passion in long-term relationships generally evolves. In a healthy and normal relationship, the couple becomes deeply attached to each other in an emotional and spiritual way. The sexual passion from the beginning of the relationship simultaneously evolves to becoming a comfortable and regular part of the relationship. Ideally, there is mutual availability and willingness to do go through the physical mechanics of sex (even if both partners may fantasize of others during the act or one partner is indulging the other out of love), and both are satisfied. The immense hunger of passion for each other that was present in the early relationship has passed, and in this phase, mutual needs are met, and the deep emotional connection between the two keeps the couple happy and satisfied.
If there are problems in the emotional nature of the relationship, ironically, the sexual passion may flare up at times and bring the couple together again.
If there is a mismatch in the ability of an emotionally content couple to each have their sexual needs met in the mechanical, physical sense, due to interference from life (children, work, schedules, etc., or even basal desire), the person not getting their needs met can choose to accept that and repress those needs. However, that can cause other problems, including an overall lessening in the quality of the relationship or depression, I think.
An option for the unsatisfied partner is to seek out outlets to have those needs met. Online porn, writing erotica, masturbatory fantasies, etc. may be justified as safe. Further along the spectrum, having online flirtations, phone sex, etc. may occur and may be justified as being within the constraints of monogamy. Depending on the person’s degree of risk, an online or real-life affair may develop. These outlets can greatly improve the quality of life for the person having the affair, and may even give that person more energy and positivity to bring to their primary relationship. However, in our current world, affairs can also lead to considerable guilt and terrible consequences for all parties.
The secondary relationship may quickly flare out. Alternatively, it may also evolve in the same way as the primary relationship and become a deep emotional connection with concomitant loss of passionate physical desire for that person. That can lead to the end of the affair or conversion to a platonic friendship. However, that transition may occur more slowly because of the relatively slow pace of the affair due to the constraints of real life. Uncertainty, danger, and conflict may be more likely given the nature of an affair, and may heighten the sexual passion. It may give the person in the affair the mistaken impression that the sexual passion is stronger and more durable in the affair than in the primary relationship. This can lead to questioning the primary relationship or replacing it with the secondary relationship.
Would the world be different if sexual passion were viewed as something not essential to life partnership throughout its duration? If we were allowed or even encouraged to fulfill sexual passion outside of a primary relationship? Or would jealousy be an insurmountable problem?
Perhaps it’s just my way of justifying some of the things I’ve done in my life.
These are certainly not novel thoughts, and I’m sure I’ve read some of these general ideas in various places. But I’d love to have some intelligent and sincere discussion of this general topic from people with experience who have opened their minds and not lived with blindfolds on or their religious and societal expectations unquestioned.
Sexual passion in long-term relationships generally evolves. In a healthy and normal relationship, the couple becomes deeply attached to each other in an emotional and spiritual way. The sexual passion from the beginning of the relationship simultaneously evolves to becoming a comfortable and regular part of the relationship. Ideally, there is mutual availability and willingness to do go through the physical mechanics of sex (even if both partners may fantasize of others during the act or one partner is indulging the other out of love), and both are satisfied. The immense hunger of passion for each other that was present in the early relationship has passed, and in this phase, mutual needs are met, and the deep emotional connection between the two keeps the couple happy and satisfied.
If there are problems in the emotional nature of the relationship, ironically, the sexual passion may flare up at times and bring the couple together again.
If there is a mismatch in the ability of an emotionally content couple to each have their sexual needs met in the mechanical, physical sense, due to interference from life (children, work, schedules, etc., or even basal desire), the person not getting their needs met can choose to accept that and repress those needs. However, that can cause other problems, including an overall lessening in the quality of the relationship or depression, I think.
An option for the unsatisfied partner is to seek out outlets to have those needs met. Online porn, writing erotica, masturbatory fantasies, etc. may be justified as safe. Further along the spectrum, having online flirtations, phone sex, etc. may occur and may be justified as being within the constraints of monogamy. Depending on the person’s degree of risk, an online or real-life affair may develop. These outlets can greatly improve the quality of life for the person having the affair, and may even give that person more energy and positivity to bring to their primary relationship. However, in our current world, affairs can also lead to considerable guilt and terrible consequences for all parties.
The secondary relationship may quickly flare out. Alternatively, it may also evolve in the same way as the primary relationship and become a deep emotional connection with concomitant loss of passionate physical desire for that person. That can lead to the end of the affair or conversion to a platonic friendship. However, that transition may occur more slowly because of the relatively slow pace of the affair due to the constraints of real life. Uncertainty, danger, and conflict may be more likely given the nature of an affair, and may heighten the sexual passion. It may give the person in the affair the mistaken impression that the sexual passion is stronger and more durable in the affair than in the primary relationship. This can lead to questioning the primary relationship or replacing it with the secondary relationship.
Would the world be different if sexual passion were viewed as something not essential to life partnership throughout its duration? If we were allowed or even encouraged to fulfill sexual passion outside of a primary relationship? Or would jealousy be an insurmountable problem?
