Sexual Fantasy Levels

[DrHappy]

I have some observations and ideas about sexual fantasies that I’d like to toss out to this community. I’d welcome your constructive comments and discussion.
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Sexual fantasies are at the core of erotic literature and can be a source of harmless pleasure that be enjoyed alone or can be shared with someone. However, sexual fantasies can also cause problems. I have seen threads in various forums where the pursuit of a sexual fantasy leads to relationship problems (or even legal problems). Sometimes, a person’s fantasies can lead to feelings of distress or guilt even if they are kept to themselves. The Literotica participants here seem generally more comfortable and adept and dealing with fantasies than the rest of the population, but I still see problems creeping in here from time to time.

Some of the problems that I have noted are:

1. Pursuing an unrealistic or destructive fantasy: This could include pursuing a three-way even though your partner does not like the idea. The forbidden nature of this type of fantasy may intensify the thoughts into an obsession.
2. Feelings of guilt about fantasies: Some people seem to feel guilty about some of their fantasies. They can accept and actually pursue some fantasies with their lover, though they may feel guilty about having fantasies that wouldn't be healthy if they carried them out. For example, a woman may feel disturbed about having a rape fantasy. Someone may feel guilty about having fantasies about someone other than their spouse.

Different types of fantasies should be treated differently, but it seems that not everyone always recognizes the distinctions. I have categorized three types of fantasies which may make these distinctions more easily defined. See below:

Level 1: Commonplace pleasant daydreams or things that you'd rather be doing: (sex in the living room, watching your significant other undress, etc…). You might be at work and fantasize about reliving sex last night.

Level 2: Fantasies that either push the boundaries of your comfort level, and/or would be difficult to achieve in real life. They typically contain mental and/or logistical obstacles. However, they are feasible and without excessive risks. Pursuing these could potentially be exciting, memorable and rewarding (sex in the ocean, sex in a park, bondage, spanking, trying a new technique, anal sex, etc...). These might be pursued with caution (and some luck), and have the potential to be extremely exciting and rewarding.

Level 3: Activities that would unrealistic in real life and would only have lasting rewards in the fantasy world of no consequences. These are best enjoyed as a fantasy and not pursued in real life: (unprotected group sex, being raped, sex with a celebrity, sex with your partner’s best friend or sibling, etc…). They may be feasible, but may be excessively risky or destructive.

It seems that trouble can occur when someone treats a level three fantasy as a level two fantasy. For many (most?) relationships, trying to introduce a third person usually leads to trouble. A couple that I know has hit a bump in their marriage when the husband began pushing to bring his wife’s female fried into the relationship.

In a way, watching pornography seems like enjoying a level 3 fantasy. The "actors" often do outrageous things that you aren't likely to perform in real life. For example, they often portray scenarios where someone has sex with a group of complete strangers.

I've written several of my fantasies in stories that I've shared with my wife, and knowing which are level 2 and which are level 3 make it easy for her to not feel threatened. She knows that I'm happy to enjoy certain things only as a fantasy.
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Do these concepts seem obvious to everyone? Do you concur or disagree? Do you have anything to add? I'd welcome constructive comments.

 

[M's girl]

....... In a way, watching pornography seems like enjoying a level 3 fantasy. The "actors" often do outrageous things that you aren't likely to perform in real life. For example, they often portray scenarios where someone has sex with a group of complete strangers.

I have level 3 fantasies all of the time, but I know they are fantasies and not more than that! Why would watching porn (which we do often) be a level 3? When you watch, let's see.......... Spiderman 3, for instance; do you think thát's real?

As long as people KNOW the difference between a fantasy and reality it's all good (well, almost all all.... ;-) )

 

[PertPerth]

Interesting thoughts.

Personally, I think you're "levels" depend on the person/couple you're refering to. Not everyone feels comfortable with the same thing!

For example : I might classify sex at work as a "Level 3" (due to the fact that it's risky and could ruin my career) where as my best friend wouldn't even think twice (ie "Level 1").

It's all relative to your own boundaries and your partners.

Indeed, there is a HUGE difference between fantasy and reality. Fantasy is perfectly healthy - even if it's in the "extreme" level....as long as it stays as a fantsay. It's when you try to enact your fantasy(s) and take things too far that the problems begin (such as pushing your partner into things/rape/sex with other person when partner is not willing).

And as M's girl said - they key is knowing the difference between a fantasy and reality. Children learn the difference between fantasy and reality at a VERY young age...so if you don't understand the difference by now, it's probably better you don't play!

 

[DrHappy]

Thanks for the comments!

Why would watching porn (which we do often) be a level 3?

The watching itself wouldn't be a level three, but it often portrays level 3 activity. For example, a girl may walk into a club and have group sex with several anonymous men simultaneously. For many (most) couples group sex or anonymous sex would be level 3. There is typically lots of level 2 activity in porn as well.

As long as people KNOW the difference between a fantasy and reality it's all good (well, almost all all.... ;-) )

I think that MOST of the time, MOST people do know the difference. The example that I've seen most (here and with personal friends) is when someone obsesses about bringing a third person into a sexual relationship with their partner when they know that this is a bad idea. They were likely rewarded for pursuing and successfully carrying out level 2 fantasies in the past, and they seem to have a hard time enjoying this fantasy as only a fantasy.

Personally, I think you're "levels" depend on the person/couple you're refering to. Not everyone feels comfortable with the same thing!

I definitely agree, though I guess that I wasn't terribly explicit in my description above. Some couples are perfectly fine with three-ways, open relationships, or anal sex (level 1), while these could be level 3 fantasies for others.

Indeed, there is a HUGE difference between fantasy and reality. Fantasy is perfectly healthy - even if it's in the "extreme" level....as long as it stays as a fantsay. It's when you try to enact your fantasy(s) and take things too far that the problems begin (such as pushing your partner into things/rape/sex with other person when partner is not willing).

I whole heartedly agree. I think that the Literotica community as a whole has a healthy attitude towards sexual fantasies. I think that what makes sexual fantasies a little different is that we tend to actually carry out many of these fantasies with life experience. We are often rewarded when we do carry out these fantasies, and sometimes people have trouble accecpting a boundary of what's okay to actually pursue. For example, a teenager will fantasize about sex and will typically eventually will have sex. I guy may fantasize about watching a girl masturbate, and he may eventually get to experience that. A guy may then fantasize more about receiving oral sex until it actually happens. At some point, he will likely encounter fantasies that shouldn't be carried out.

My wife and I have discussed this concept as well. I've shared some deep fantasies, but I can tell her "don't worry, it's a level three fantasy"

 

[M's girl]

I think that MOST of the time, MOST people do know the difference. The example that I've seen most (here and with personal friends) is when someone obsesses about bringing a third person into a sexual relationship with their partner when they know that this is a bad idea. They were likely rewarded for pursuing and successfully carrying out level 2 fantasies in the past, and they seem to have a hard time enjoying this fantasy as only a fantasy.

Do they? I'm not sure... I am convinced there are people who think it's 'nothing' to introduce a third person and so they dircard the emotional side. Still, you see on all levels that jealousy starts to catch up all too soon. There was this series Cathouse where (if I remember correctly) a girl who worked there started dating one of the guys that worked there too. I mean; she earned her living fucking other men and he was known, before they got involved to screw everything that came on his path too. Still, she got jealous and they ended the relationship because of that. Maybe three (and more-) somes are best when all people involved are NOT in relationships, but still....

The watching itself wouldn't be a level three, but it often portrays level 3 activity. For example, a girl may walk into a club and have group sex with several anonymous men simultaneously. For many (most) couples group sex or anonymous sex would be level 3. There is typically lots of level 2 activity in porn as well.

I don't know. There's also a difference between groupsex and the somewhat heavier 'stuff' if it's done tasteful or not. But when I watch - and enjoy watching - threesomes and groupsex and even when it's suggested it's somewhat forced....? I mean, it's still not as if I want to go do that or undergo that myself. That's what I meant with the reference to other genre movies. If I like watching (and reading) true crime... am I a creep with level 3 fantasies about blood and murder..?

 

[DrHappy]

Do they? I'm not sure... I am convinced there are people who think it's 'nothing' to introduce a third person

Ackk! I did it again. What I meant to say in my original quote was that "when they know that this is a bad idea for their particular relationship. I agree with you and I am also convinced there are people who think it's 'nothing' to introduce a third person and so they dircard the emotional side. On the other hand, there appear to be some people who will get caught up in their fantasies that they will pursue them even when they know that it would be destructive for their relationship. In the example that I know personally, the guy had already picked out one of his wife's close female friends as the third person. His very traditional wife was horrified and hurt when he told her that this was what he really wanted to do. In my opinion, he should have known that this was a bad idea. I think that everything may have been okay if he simply told her that he enjoyed the fantasy of a three-way, but telling her that he wanted her to actually ask her and her friend to participate was damaging.

 

[Cathleen]

You have interesting ideas here Dr.H. As has been stated the kinds of behaviors in our fantasies differ a lot so to our 'level'. I have learned so much from people here about situations that I hadn't considered, encountered or even fantasized about that I could easily see where I would get myself into problems.

Until (unless) more of the general public becomes somewhat "Literized" then the world sure isn't ready for your observations! So many times I've had to remind myself Lit doesn't follow me out my front door.

 

[eudaemonia]

Until (unless) more of the general public becomes somewhat "Literized" then the world sure isn't ready for your observations! So many times I've had to remind myself Lit doesn't follow me out my front door.

How true, how true ...

 

[Bobmi357]

Level 1: Commonplace pleasant daydreams or things that you'd rather be doing: (sex in the living room, watching your significant other undress, etc…). You might be at work and fantasize about reliving sex last night.

Level 2: Fantasies that either push the boundaries of your comfort level, and/or would be difficult to achieve in real life. They typically contain mental and/or logistical obstacles. However, they are feasible and without excessive risks. Pursuing these could potentially be exciting, memorable and rewarding (sex in the ocean, sex in a park, bondage, spanking, trying a new technique, anal sex, etc...). These might be pursued with caution (and some luck), and have the potential to be extremely exciting and rewarding.

Level 3: Activities that would unrealistic in real life and would only have lasting rewards in the fantasy world of no consequences. These are best enjoyed as a fantasy and not pursued in real life: (unprotected group sex, being raped, sex with a celebrity, sex with your partner’s best friend or sibling, etc…). They may be feasible, but may be excessively risky or destructive.

I must be pretty boring, I don't seem to have any level 3 fantasies... well there was that one time I thought a scene between Chewbacca and Princess Leia would be different, but I didn't want to participate.

I think I'm still trying to find my comfort zone, I lost it last time I went to Walmart, the housewares aisle I think. Some of those kitchen utensils are downright erotic! And those red lawn tractors! Straddle and gun the engine!

I don't think it's right, or even correct to try to catagorize the depths of human reactions when it comes to sex. The responses are too varied and too complex to fit into neat little pigeon holes and what may be some's level 2 idea may be someone else's level 1 or level 3.

My fantasies tend to be rather tame. There are people on this board that do stuff I wouldn't do even if you paid me. Of course there was that time in the Godzilla suit, but I have to admit I was drunk and therefore not responsible for my actions. Besides, I didn't know she was a nun! She wasn't wearing her habit!

Honestly your honor, I didn't know she was your daughter!

 

[DrHappy]

I don't think it's right, or even correct to try to catagorize the depths of human reactions when it comes to sex. The responses are too varied and too complex to fit into neat little pigeon holes

I realize that all types of fantasies may not fit perfectly into one of the levels that I have defined. I still believe that separating one's expectations based on their fantasy type can be useful.

and what may be some's level 2 idea may be someone else's level 1 or level 3.

Obviously, and whether one should pursue a fantasy is largely based on one's own definition of risk. An exception might be a delusional person. An example might be a mentally unstable person who likes to play Russian roulette (or a sexual equivalent). People will have different definitions of what constitutes an excessive risk.

I don't think that further understanding or categorizing this complex set of human behavior and emotions detracts from my appreciation of sexual fantasies. On the contrary, I think that I am able to appreciate them more.