Sexless Marriages

[HornyJunkMail]

Sorry if I'm being too frank but... is it worth continuing? Is there enough good for staying?

As with most things in life ... it's complicated.

 

[Sojourner47]

Didn't save me from depression, though.

But after two long relationships where sex was scarce or even nonexistent, I am becoming more picky. First time I didn't know, 2nd time I was too depressed to realize I was moving together with a man with whom the sexual magnetism wasn't strong enough.

And no more will I agree to stay in such a relationship for so long, unless there is some special reason for the situation, like illness which causes issues even despite treatment. It is not healthy for me.

I am sorry to hear that you have had to deal with such difficult situations. You sound like your journey has helped you understand yourself better.

 

[Strixaluco]

As with most things in life ... it's complicated.

It usually is. In my case it certainly was - and if I could go back, I still would have left years ago. I thought it to be even more complicated than it was.

 

[Sojourner47]

Good for you - you got yourself in shape and traveled. You should be proud of what you accomplished. I hear you on the sexless marriage stuff, but two out of three aint bad.

 

[Windman1]

It’s too bad the women and men on this forum that are in similar situations aren’t in the same state, or even in the same country.

 

[Strixaluco]

It’s too bad the women and men on this forum that are in similar situations aren’t in the same state, or even in the same country.

Or always even on the same continent. I am off the hook already, though, free to find something new now.

 

[Sojourner47]

Thank you. But I am a card carrying optimist. I WILL find what I'm looking for. I just haven't yet.

I hope you know I was kidding.

 

[Deadbed1968]

I purposely propagate a loving relationship with my wife regardless of not receiving sex from her. If im going to share a bed, house and life with her it has to be tolerable. So I compartmentalize. I still do things for her, go places etc.
she does the same for me. Just no sex. I could easily have enough resentment that it would ruin the rest of our relationship. Getting sex someplace else eases that for me. It’s not perfect, I do have guilt over it. But its how I survive it. And honestly it saves the rest of the marriage. It a allows me to love her well in the rest of the marriage.

This is how I handle it. My wife and I are very affectionate and enjoy time together. Just no sex. I have not gone looking for an outside source, other than some truly erotic sexting with lit members ( you know who you are ). I don’t yet feel the need to cross that particular bridge, but who knows what the future holds.

 

[itsallgood2002]

I don't know how many times I heard this song lyric but the last time resonated with me.

"Just me first, by myself."

 

[dmonty]

It just seems to me there are like minded m/f out there in the same situation. Not looking for commitment just intimacy with like minded people. Of course the pitfall is if you connect things can go sideways quickly which is a major fear for me.

Pretty much why I stayed the escort/AMP route, figure random only in it for the$, they could careless about my "connecting" with them, is purely a transaction to be touched and to touch them.... they probably prefer that I'm not trying to wine and dine them, makes it easier for them to disconnect with me as well

 

[10169kek]

I feel that betrayal as well.

 

[Strixaluco]

It's encouraging to read that there are some men who will do counseling, at least. My own largely sexless marriage (unless I initiate and/or practically beg) has left me pretty lonely and feeling undesirable, as well... same sentiments echoed elsewhere on this page. When I've asked for us to talk with someone professionally, he completely balks. Mind you, I get hand-holding when we're out, hugs, and the occasional perfunctory peck-kisses, so I do feel some affection from him, and I'm really grateful for those touches when they happen. But my love languages are touch and words, and he is SOOO not a conversationalist, so the intimate touch of sex was a way to feel close/known/loved, you know? Now, I feel I'm starving on all fronts. Worst part is, my husband has chronic pain in pretty much any joint you can name, so I know he generally feels like shit most days, in spite of medications and treatments. And I just feel like a selfish bitch for expecting more from him when he very likely doesn't want to simply because he's hurting.

Sounds very familiar. Except my husband wasn't as much in pain as yours, and was evidently very much able to cheat me. But I didn't know it at the time.

 

[Strixaluco]

Well, I simply omitted that part. Two years ago, I found out he did cheat on me in the sense of lying/meeting another woman at a restaurant/sending nudes. (He denies there was ever physical cheating, but my gut says untrue. I'll never know on that one, as I don't have the evidence.) I kicked him out, did my own counseling to deal with the betrayal, and he spent the next 6 mos. getting his own head straight and pleading with me for a reconcile. I gave it to him, and now it's like he's completely uninterested in sex unless I initiate.

I only found out after he was dead. And I definitely recognize his body and cock even without a face in the pic, so I know there WAS physical cheating, and not just plans that never materialized. Would have kicked him out without any possibility for reconciliation if I had found out when it was still happening.

Still dealing with it, before I dare to get into any serious relationship. Meaning nothing happening offline, as I am not into casual sex...

 

[Strixaluco]

I feel really guilty about this, but I second-guess myself all the time on letting him come back. I mean, our marriage has been amiable enough since his return--- he helps some with the house stuff (unimportant to me, as I was single mom for 7 years before him and managed the house just fine), and my kids love him (big deciding factor in his return, btw). But I often feel like I have either a roommate or a third child in this marriage, instead of a 50/50 partner who desires me and wants more than hot meals and a TV-viewing partner. ugh.

I think that when a partner feels like a third child, one is entitled to demanding counseling if the marriage is to continue. Life is too short to spend years unhappy.

 

[Strixaluco]

I'm a counselor by trade, so I know you're saying the words I've said to other people professionally. Harder to make myself stick to those demands when I know many of the reasons he feels like a third child to me are caretaking things (because of his physical pain). But you're right, and I need to do some boundary work and be my own voice. Life really is too short. Thanks for the ear. (hug)

My inbox is open, if you feel like it.

 

[Mtnmike]

It's encouraging to read that there are some men who will do counseling, at least. My own largely sexless marriage (unless I initiate and/or practically beg) has left me pretty lonely and feeling undesirable, as well... same sentiments echoed elsewhere on this page. When I've asked for us to talk with someone professionally, he completely balks. Mind you, I get hand-holding when we're out, hugs, and the occasional perfunctory peck-kisses, so I do feel some affection from him, and I'm really grateful for those touches when they happen. But my love languages are touch and words, and he is SOOO not a conversationalist, so the intimate touch of sex was a way to feel close/known/loved, you know? Now, I feel I'm starving on all fronts. Worst part is, my husband has chronic pain in pretty much any joint you can name, so I know he generally feels like shit most days, in spite of medications and treatments. And I just feel like a selfish bitch for expecting more from him when he very likely doesn't want to simply because he's hurting.

I understand completely, the wife has the same problems, been dealing with it year's. Like your husband, want get help except medications. It is a sad situation we are in & everyone has to decide what's best for them. It has been good to be able to come here where people understand what you're going through, not a fix but it helps.

 

[Strixaluco]

I didn't see this post until just now!! And wow...that knocks the wind out of your sails like nothing else, doesn't it? I'm so sorry you have that to carry.t

It did really. I was first numb for a good while. Frozen. But it turned to anger (via other phases) soon enough. That lead me to this forum, actually. Started living again. (He died over 9 months ago.)

Smart you to keep dalliances to online only just now, while you're healing. Grief and betrayal must be odd bedfellows.

I think they might be even weirder 3rd partners in a relationship. I've continued forward too soo before (after breaking up) and I don't want to repeat the mistake.

 

[Strixaluco]

. I've often said, if he was just a bad guy, it would be a lot easier.

Well, yes. Yet I feel a relationship should have all the must-have elements, none of the don'ts, and the rest should be net positive in the long term.

 

[Strixaluco]

Grief and anger come in waves, I think. Hope you get to solid ground again soon, and be easy with yourself til then. Sounds like you've got your head on straight and I, for one, am glad you're here!

I suspect I've had most of my grief. Grief is "love without a home", and my love had already suffered greatly due to the lack of intimacy during the years. Anger is a different matter. Just trying to get at least the worst part over - it's less than 2 months since I found out.

And I was raised to have head on straight, luckily!

 

[Strixaluco]

Totally understand. Was in a long loveless sexless marriage. Interesting knowing there’s women who deal with not getting enough too. Thanks for sharing

And even young women. I was in my twenties the first time... (that ex would have let me had a lover, but I couldn't even think about it)

 

[Strixaluco]

I would have gladly done counseling and asked but to no avail.

Not everybody does enough to save the marriage - but it is also true that there is only so much to be done, especially onesided. Saving a marriage takes two.

 

[sweet_bobbi_80]

I am surprised to see 2 women respond to this thread. I don't know any guys in their 40's or 50's who don't want sex. I quite wrongly thought this was a guy only problem. I guess you learn something new every day. Thanks for sharing.

It definitely isn’t just men who have this problem. I have to ask for sex. He never initiates. I have spent hundreds on lingerie, getaways, toys, you name it. All I can assume is that is threatened by my job and it makes him feel less of a man?… Either way, we rarely have sex and I’m sick of asking for something that should come naturally.

 

[LustyScribe]

It definitely isn’t just men who have this problem. I have to ask for sex. He never initiates. I have spent hundreds on lingerie, getaways, toys, you name it. All I can assume is that is threatened by my job and it makes him feel less of a man?… Either way, we rarely have sex and I’m sick of asking for something that should come naturally.

With you 100%. Tired of getting booked on Guilt Trip Airlines when I want to help us BOTH feel pleasure.

 

[Strixaluco]

I think mine might be a bit threatened by my job, as well. He's recently on disability status and the lack of breadwinner status dealt a blow for him

My husband was on disability status already when we met. It did affect his confidence, but it didn't matter to our relationship in the beginning.

 

[Strixaluco]

I understand completely. My husband was the primary breadwinner initially, and had been his whole life in a previous marriage. Unfortunately, he really hinges his self-worth on his ability to monetarily contribute (where I could give a shit less, as I can take care of myself that way.)

I had to "mold it from steel wire" to my husband as well that the thing I need most is a partner in life.