Sexless Marriages

[JuliaS89]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

Did you spoke with her about it?
before going with someone else, i would try to understand what wrong with your marriage.
is she is against sex? for any reason, religious, medical, psychological
is she is against sex with you?

if you stay with her, means there is love, and that should be not wasted.
if there is no even love, instead, why you're still there? kids?

 

[Windman1]

It seems this is a very common dynamic. And from reading all the posts here it’s not always for the same reasons, all be it that there are similar threads that run through each of our circumstances. It seems in some there is a complete lack of love at all. In others (myself included) there is love in the relationship, its just that the sex has disappeared For a variety of reasons. So it makes sense to me that there is no standard, one size fits all fix. There are just too many variables.

For me, yes writing and reading here on Lit is an outlet. But after being here for a while it only goes so far. It doesn't replace physical contact and all the subtleties that feed the emotional side of me that physical touch provides.
It has become very obvious to me if that is going to be fed at all, that it is up to me to find the fix.
I have to get sex someplace else. I do feel guilty for it, but there is simply no other choice. we have talked about this problem more times than I can recount and always wind up in the same place. It‘s my problem.

My solution isn’t a perfect one nor is it the one size fits all fix. It is the direction that I choose and it does provide a solution to the resentment that builds from her not providing it for me. So there is an upside for her in that Im not pestering her about it and I‘m not pissed about it either.

 

[nbsucked]

It seems this is a very common dynamic. And from reading all the posts here it’s not always for the same reasons, all be it that there are similar threads that run through each of our circumstances. It seems in some there is a complete lack of love at all. In others (myself included) there is love in the relationship, its just that the sex has disappeared For a variety of reasons. So it makes sense to me that there is no standard, one size fits all fix. There are just too many variables.

For me, yes writing and reading here on Lit is an outlet. But after being here for a while it only goes so far. It doesn't replace physical contact and all the subtleties that feed the emotional side of me that physical touch provides.
It has become very obvious to me if that is going to be fed at all, that it is up to me to find the fix.
I have to get sex someplace else. I do feel guilty for it, but there is simply no other choice. we have talked about this problem more times than I can recount and always wind up in the same place. It‘s my problem.

My solution isn’t a perfect one nor is it the one size fits all fix. It is the direction that I choose and it does provide a solution to the resentment that builds from her not providing it for me. So there is an upside for her in that Im not pestering her about it and I‘m not pissed about it either.

my very thoughts as well, a weird dilemma but it's a very human need that will frustrate everybody no matter how much they try for a non physical substitute...

 

[JJH0000]

I have the exact same situation. My latest idea is to try and reach out to folks on Literotica on line for solo sex with company.

 

[Chillygirl]

For me it’s been a combo of both of us. First I had hormonal issues, then he had job stressors, my hormones again and now his hormones and job. And just life/marriage stress. Sometimes we love each other but just don’t like each other.

 

[Chillygirl]

Mens

hormones change with age for men as well? Wasn’t aware that was a thing. I’m recently married, and was curious when I saw this thread about what causes a sexless marriage to occur in the long run. Mind if I ask how sexually active you were earlier on?

Testosterone drops as you get older…erectile dysfunction. We had sex at least Once a day in the beginning. And at times we’ll have a few weeks of twice a day. But this past year has been the worst. We’ve had one quickie in the past 5 months.

 

[bimwiguy1963]

Testosterone drops as you get older…erectile dysfunction. We had sex at least Once a day in the beginning. And at times we’ll have a few weeks of twice a day. But this past year has been the worst. We’ve had one quickie in the past 5 months.

Sounds familiar.

 

[Chillygirl]

Oh I see. Is it not possible to take certain supplements or meds to boost your drives as you get older? Estrogen for women, testosterone for men? Or is that not a thing.

You guys had sex about as much as myself and my partner do currently. Now I’m a tad fearful for the future lol how old are you both, if you don’t mind me asking?

Yes, supplements can definitely make a difference. He takes Cialis and when he takes it daily it’s great. Like he’s in his 20s again. Right now it’s like he’s just not interested.

I’m 46 and he’s 51.

 

[Chillygirl]

Oh so he’s not even taking the supplements anymore? That must be annoying… I’ve heard your 40’s and 50’s are supposed to be some of your best sexual years. I guess if you strive for them to be, is the key

Like I said…work stressors. I’d love it if he took his pills and we were back to having sex daily, multiple times a day.

I think what a lot of people miss though is just the ebb and flow of marriage, life. The outside stressors like work, kids, bills etc. And communication, open and honest communication. And compromise.

 

[Chillygirl]

Yes absolutely. But I think your sex life should be just as much as a priority as the rest. Without both parties being satisfied, things can go wrong, and create so much more stress than if you were to work on it. For instance, him taking his pills. Easy remedy for your current situation. Maybe he hasn’t realized yet how detrimental it is that he’s not taking those.

He knows. We’re working through stuff. He knows I’m here, that I talk to men online. It’s our compromise while he works through his issues.

 

[LustyScribe]

At what point did you all find your marriages turned sexless? And was it strictly biological, or something else?

For us, it was a combination of factors. We're not young: I'm 57, she turns 60 in a couple of days. For a time, we struggled with my ED. I went to the doctor, got Viagra. I've lost weight, gained it, lost it, etc. So has she, but I've always been attracted to her, and I still am.
A big part of our issue stems from extended sexual abuse she suffered as a teenager. I've always been supportive of her, and very sensitive to that: No forceful anything sexually, not even a spank here and there. Ironically, that supportive love backfired on me, as she told me that, thanks to my support, she now feels comfortable enough and strong enough (married over 35 years at that point) to say she has no desire for sex, not with me or anybody else.

Yay me.

She knows how important physical touch and physical intimacy are to me; that's my love language. I speak hers (gifts/presents) as often as I can. She just refuses to even say "Good morning" in my language.

 

[Fatmandu]

52 year old male in the situation. I was recently taken off of a medication and my libido came roaring back but menopause has killed hers. Not altogether sure how I'm going to deal with it yet but Lefty and Righty are getting dull.

 

[Windman1]

I would even be content as a compromise just having some physical closeness. Sometimes I just want to hold her, and she’ll tolerate it but there is no effort to reciprocate. And if she doesn't want to and just goes through the motions then where’s the intimacy in that?

 

[LustyScribe]

I would even be content as a compromise just having some physical closeness. Sometimes I just want to hold her, and she’ll tolerate it but there is no effort to reciprocate. And if she doesn't want to and just goes through the motions then where’s the intimacy in that?

Exactly. It's knowing somebody WANTS you to hold & touch them, and they WANT to hold and touch you. I think if someone came along in my real life and did that, they'd easily steal my heart. That's how badly I long for it. And I'd gladly spend my days and nights reciprocating in a way that was meaningful to them.

 

[Deadbed1968]

Testosterone drops as you get older…erectile dysfunction. We had sex at least Once a day in the beginning. And at times we’ll have a few weeks of twice a day. But this past year has been the worst. We’ve had one quickie in the past 5 months.

Did he have his hormone levels checked? I had an issue and was diagnosed with hypogonadism. I had actually suffered hot flashes at one point, but I had no clue what was going on. Whoever heard of men having hot flashes! Well it turns out it’s a real thing. I take clomiphene and anastrozole ( two medications usually given to women) and they trick my body into putting testosterone production into overdrive. My libido is like it was when I was a teen! Energy levels increased as well.

 

[Chillygirl]

Did he have his hormone levels checked? I had an issue and was diagnosed with hypogonadism. I had actually suffered hot flashes at one point, but I had no clue what was going on. Whoever heard of men having hot flashes! Well it turns out it’s a real thing. I take clomiphene and anastrozole ( two medications usually given to women) and they trick my body into putting testosterone production into overdrive. My libido is like it was when I was a teen! Energy levels increased as well.

Yep. Did all the medical stuff.

 

[IASFPWTF]

I just want to say I empathize with all of you, and it's nice to know others share your emotional pain.

My own story is rather cliche. In the early stages of the marriage it happened reasonably frequently. i never needed or expected it all the time, but appreciated that it was fairly steady. Then the kids came, one of whom is a huge challenge. And she got down that her body wasn't the same as it used to be, despite my constant comments to her that I think she still looks great.

Now she just views intimacy as another chore and demand on her time, one which is first on the chopping block whenever it seems like there is just too much going on.

And when I do try to initiate, I feel like I have to navigate such a minefield of potential traps and arguments that it ceases to be worth the effort, despite me still yearning to connect with her in that way.

Sadly, I think I masturbate more at 40 than I did as a pent up teen.

And it's not just the lack of sex that's such a downer, it's the existential isolation that comes as a byproduct from that lack of intimacy.

I'm sorry for you all. I feel for you.

This is exactly my situation too.

 

[TempSpawn]

This is exactly my situation too.

Same here. Tried talking, tried counseling, tried 'understanding', but I still feel that my own needs could be considered too.

 

[Deadbed1968]

Yep. Did all the medical stuff.

It sounds like stress may be the issue. I sympathize totally. Both my wife and I have stressful jobs. I’ve started easing my way into CrossFit, and my wife has been doing polar plunges as ways to alleviate some of our stress. I’m a couple of years older than your husband (53) and I just very recently had a mental health scare. I knew I did not want a repeat, so I got serious about my physical health. At least for me the two are tied together.

 

[Chillygirl]

It sounds like stress may be the issue. I sympathize totally. Both my wife and I have stressful jobs. I’ve started easing my way into CrossFit, and my wife has been doing polar plunges as ways to alleviate some of our stress. I’m a couple of years older than your husband (53) and I just very recently had a mental health scare. I knew I did not want a repeat, so I got serious about my physical health. At least for me the two are tied together.

Thanks for the info. He’s a level 1 CrossFit coach, we lift with a local barbell club. Like I said ebb and flow of marriage. We’ve had a lot of changes the last 2 years.

 

[IASFPWTF]

Same here. Tried talking, tried counseling, tried 'understanding', but I still feel that my own needs could be considered too.

Amen Brother

 

[Deadbed1968]

I think I am the youngest poster here at 39. Unfortunately I am in a similar situation that really started when we had our first child. Between the beginning of the first pregnancy and the beginning of the second sex became scarce outside of the period when my wife wanted to get pregnant again. Since our second child was born sex has become a chore that she avoids like the plague. Like others have stated, when you have to work hard to even have intimate moments, and that effort is not reciprocated it isn’t really worth it. She hardly even initiates a hug let alone a kiss… and I can’t recall the last time that she initiated sex. Who wants to feel like they are compelling someone to be intimate (especially these days)? On top of that she has refused to talk to a doctor or marriage counselor about it! How do you guys deal with the mental aspect of this problem?

Ugh. I am so sorry this is happening. Kids always seem to put a damper on our sex lives. Intimacy is the first thing out the window when we are exhausted from caring for the babies. I am saddened though that you’re lost even simple affection as well. I think in stressful times like what you are experiencing, that simple affection and acknowledgment of love is even more important. I’m sure you have tried discussing what is happening, has your wife been able to articulate why she is feeling the way she is? Is she overwhelmed with her day to day life?

The mental aspect (at least for me) is the most difficult part. Masturbating lessens the physical need, but psychologically it isn’t the same. Talking on here helps. Knowing others are experiencing the same issues reduces the feelings of being alone.

 

[LustyScribe]

I think I am the youngest poster here at 39. Unfortunately I am in a similar situation that really started when we had our first child. Between the beginning of the first pregnancy and the beginning of the second sex became scarce outside of the period when my wife wanted to get pregnant again. Since our second child was born sex has become a chore that she avoids like the plague. Like others have stated, when you have to work hard to even have intimate moments, and that effort is not reciprocated it isn’t really worth it. She hardly even initiates a hug let alone a kiss… and I can’t recall the last time that she initiated sex. Who wants to feel like they are compelling someone to be intimate (especially these days)? On top of that she has refused to talk to a doctor or marriage counselor about it! How do you guys deal with the mental aspect of this problem?

The mental/emotional aspect is the worst, I believe, but even the physical becomes difficult to manage. Sure, my right forearm is noticeably stronger than the left, but it is understandably predictable It can't give me an unexpected touch or stroke, breathe hotly in my ears, and the damn thing NEVER has a heart pounding, sheet-drenching orgasm, no matter how nice I am to it. After this long, I'm afraid if another woman pulled me into her bed, I'd be so focused on giving HER pleasure she'd probably be too weak to walk for a couple of days. I miss GIVING pleasure even more than I miss receiving it.

 

[Mtnmike]

The mental/emotional aspect is the worst, I believe, but even the physical becomes difficult to manage. Sure, my right forearm is noticeably stronger than the left, but it is understandably predictable It can't give me an unexpected touch or stroke, breathe hotly in my ears, and the damn thing NEVER has a heart pounding, sheet-drenching orgasm, no matter how nice I am to it. After this long, I'm afraid if another woman pulled me into her bed, I'd be so focused on giving HER pleasure she'd probably be too weak to walk for a couple of days. I miss GIVING pleasure even more than I miss receiving it.

My sentiments exactly, I so miss the touch & feel of a naked woman lying with me.

 

[Windman1]

I think I am the youngest poster here at 39. Unfortunately I am in a similar situation that really started when we had our first child. Between the beginning of the first pregnancy and the beginning of the second sex became scarce outside of the period when my wife wanted to get pregnant again. Since our second child was born sex has become a chore that she avoids like the plague. Like others have stated, when you have to work hard to even have intimate moments, and that effort is not reciprocated it isn’t really worth it. She hardly even initiates a hug let alone a kiss… and I can’t recall the last time that she initiated sex. Who wants to feel like they are compelling someone to be intimate (especially these days)? On top of that she has refused to talk to a doctor or marriage counselor about it! How do you guys deal with the mental aspect of this problem?

The mental/emotional aspect is the hard part. Let’s face it we can give ourselves relief. It’s the not being desired part that is tough to take. especially when there are women that do give you a second look Occasionally.