Sexless Marriages

[YourgirlfriendLaura]

I don't mean to keep saying this....but sometimes the sexually refusing partner understands us more then we think...
Yes, it was hard and involved tears and awkwardness for a bit, but my husband now understands I will not go the rest of life without affection and he understands I do not want to leave him, so I can have occasional affairs and come on here....It is some sucky conversations for sure, but I now feel we can not get everything from one person. I bet many wives (especially as we get older) prefer you stay, stray and love them, rather then leave and change everything in their world. And no, my husband has O interest in cucking or hotwife. He simply does not want to lose his life as he knows it. I framed the conversation as .."To take sexual pressure off of you, I kind of NEED to do this," before I did it. Don't "cheat", tho. You might be surprised wives do not want huge life changes any more then you do... Be strong, loving and honest.
[/B]

It is good to know that there are so many more like minded people out there that and really all we want is some kind of gesture to feel wanted. I have been married nearly 20 years most of it with very little affection at all,which has gradually got less and less as the years went on. then my wife told me a couple of years ago that she had no a desire to have sex again. So in that moment I was supposed to switch off my sexual desire as well(as we know its not that easy) Other than the affection we have a good relationship, it's catch 22 - I still have my sex drive but don't want to cheat , its driving me mad. But if she no longer wants sex that's her choice. Back to reading these pages for me!

 

[Bpar721971]

pardon me but not every partner, husband or wife, will agree to that. i had those conversations with my wife pleading. Her drive 0 mine is extremely high, she thinks i’m a sex freak. she has tried many different medical procedures to no avail. she basically said no to me having sn affair and no i’m
not breaking up my family (3 kids only 1 in college 1 high school 1 middle school).

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Interesting thread. Though I'm sure there are some in sexless marriages it's not as black and white as that. Alot of variables, including both partners not trying. What's worse than a sexless marriage is a loveless marriage. When your involved in that it's time to end it. JMO.

 

[YourgirlfriendLaura]

It sux

Well, pardon me back. Are you and wife sexless? She is having medical procedures to accommodate your libido, is how it sounds, though I do not know the details. It is a start.
It seemed an impossible trap for me too. But when it comes down to you or me leaving, because people need affection to thrive, spouses change their tune. That is where I was. Do not ask(plead). Tell. Pleading just got me EMBARRASSED! I felt crazy for wanting human touch after pleading. Have you tried telling? If you have tried to get permission to fuck or Cyber, you have said you might have to leave and meant it, told her how depressed it makes you to live with out touch and she says "No affection for you ever," that is concerning.
She might not break up If you have love, children and a history. Same as you do not want to leave her.
Also, though, is your marriage sexless and affection lacking? Or you simply want more sex? I see that as different from a "Cold" marriage .
If you think you are doing the best thing possible for your relationship, nothing should stop you, but I have found a bit of freedom goes a long way...
I would not even use the word affair...(sounds too close to love.) I just said I needing making out and occasional sex.
Correct, my husband did not agree, but he got over his hurt in about six months...He and possibly others do grow quickly to like us not bugging them. They are not comfortable either. He seems fairly relieved a year in and he even did me once after six years! Really, the open marriage saved our marriage....but it was a long, tough road.


QUOTE=Bpar721971;94649245]pardon me but not every partner, husband or wife, will agree to that. i had those conversations with my wife pleading. Her drive 0 mine is extremely high, she thinks i’m a sex freak. she has tried many different medical procedures to no avail. she basically said no to me having sn affair and no i’m
not breaking up my family (3 kids only 1 in college 1 high school 1 middle school).[/QUOTE]

 

[YourgirlfriendLaura]

Really, I mean my advice lonely friend to lonely friend, Bpar. I think I am proud of myself or something, to be so wordy. Apologies.

 

[Chillygirl]

Well, pardon me back but don't get too angry.

You’re sounding pretty angry yourself. Not everyone has that spouse. It’s great that you do. I feel lucky that I do. It’s got to be extremely frustrating for others. It’s tough to judge cause we’re only seeing one side of the story.

 

[YourgirlfriendLaura]

Sorry, Chilly and any others..I am not angry. I wish for everyone to find happiness, honestly, and fulfillment in their life. I'm sure all here have gone through the tears and not talking and anger like I did...very difficult. But I also can not change my whole attitude when challenged. I have been to the "break up" and back again and wanted to share how I found balance.
I admit, I would be livid if my spouse would let me leave, to the point where I would say, I am staying, for my kid, in a separate room. We almost went there. But that is me. I did not have "that spouse" for a year of trying myself, it took about two years, so I do know the hardships. Please believe me when I say my husband would MUCH prefer me sexless, (but not enough to do anything about it but complain.) Oh, he never did say yes, he acknowledged. And we do not talk about it.
I personally just hate being cheated on, and lied to, so I do tend to put myself in the spouse's shoes. I will shut up now. Good luck to everyone and their spouses. This is a very frustrating problem. I thought it might help to hear some concrete ideas, for those of us at the end of our ropes. My main point being, our partners can often live with more then we think at first.
But a group "cry" is cathartic too. I mean venting. Hugs and empathy to all.
QUOTE=Chillygirl;94649617]You’re sounding pretty angry yourself. Not everyone has that spouse. It’s great that you do. I feel lucky that I do. It’s got to be extremely frustrating for others. It’s tough to judge cause we’re only seeing one side of the story.[/QUOTE]

 

[YourgirlfriendLaura]

Good point. I can not tell if mine is love less or just sexless.

Interesting thread. Though I'm sure there are some in sexless marriages it's not as black and white as that. Alot of variables, including both partners not trying. What's worse than a sexless marriage is a loveless marriage. When your involved in that it's time to end it. JMO.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

You’re sounding pretty angry yourself. Not everyone has that spouse. It’s great that you do. I feel lucky that I do. It’s got to be extremely frustrating for others. It’s tough to judge cause we’re only seeing one side of the story.

It's great that people could vent here. Almost confidential being we are all "cyber friends" I agree with chilly. 3 sides to every story. I can look at each post and say hmmmm.
But like I said it's good to vent and maybe it can bring clarity to some

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Just here catching up on my fave thread and once again I want to impart some hope to you all. I am 3 years in a Sexless marriage and my partner I met here is much longer. We met on Lit, quickly connected, finally met in person in July after 16 mths thanks to Covid, and then got to spend a blissful few days together in November.

Don’t give up, keep searching please!

We are planning our life together now, prepping for divorces and meet irl when possible. We are fast approaching two years of a deep love and commitment, all from a personal ad on Lit and a great reply.

Don’t lose hope and if you’ve done all you can to save your marriage to no avail, then be brave and grab your chance for happiness.

Ultimately we all deserve to be happy, I only share to spread hope here! Best wishes to you all

 

[Lady2020]

I'm thinking cohabitation with a partner who doesn't care about sex or intimacy is true hell on earth.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Being married and in a sexless marriage would be more of a hell on earth, lots of reasons to have to stay together, kids, financial sit, etc.. I would think if your with a " partner" and have no legal binds your creating your own hell I have a little less sympathy ( sorry) for them.

 

[LourdMorpheus]

Still true today

So for the last 1 1/2 hours I have been reading through the thread, and do find much pain in it, and I am identifying with it. My sexual complaint is not so much about frequency (although certainly I can use more and more and more) as it is about the intimate dialog of sex itself. So instead of complaining or explaining I rather embark on a letter never to be read to my Wife... hoping to find some therapy in it.

Dear K:

There is so much I am thankful for. You have been a life partner and walked with me through some very difficult times in our life together. I wouldn't change that. Ever. You have given me a posterity that many men will never know. We have made our mistakes parenting and our politics may be different but I feel like we are one person. But there remains in our marriage great brokenness and we cannot talk about it because it becomes an entrenched fight to the death every time, and it is and will be always about our joint sexuality.

You seem to be content to give me a handjob in the shower now and then again, an occasional blow job when I stand before you with my flag waving as you do your hair, and you think I should be able to go on like that and be happy with what you do. As I read some of the other guys (and women too) on this thread ..perhaps I should be as there are certainly worse cases than mine.

You were gorgeous as a women back then. You were confident, you were capable, you were extrovert, you engaged people. You were also a wall. An impenetrable wall that hid all kinds of things. You would reason out solutions to issues in your mind, engage the solution in business yes, but also in our personal lives, and by the time your solution was in place and running along smoothly - I didn't even know there had been an issue.

Point in fact was your physical sexual abuse by your father / brother. You would not let me go down on you because it produced latent memories. But you didn't tell me about it, you did a work around that changed tracks every time. Until that television program showed what was going on in another couples life, and it all became clear to me and I asked you and you did tell me truth. Now it wasn't that you felt dirty or that you were guilty, it was that you didn't trust your husband to know. Again and again you didn't trust your husband to know really inside what was going on.

Yes I know I'm a shit, and I really didn't pay attention to your psychological wholeness like I should, I didn't build you up like I should, I didn't stroke you like I should, but you seemed to be getting all that feel good from work anyway and always our whole life did. Everyone you worked for loved you because you were fucking gorgeous and worked like a slave to do the good job.

But when you went to California for that summer so long ago with your job and set up your department that was moving locations to the silicon valley that wall you built destroyed me. You wouldn't install a phone in your long term apartment - and you couldn't / wouldn't talk to me hardly at work all your feel good was coming from work and you wouldn't let me give you any feel good. The kids were at your folks house and I was literally stranded as I built our house.

There was no communication, no intimacy, no emotional gratification, no love. And then your term there in California would come to an end. On the last evening of your junket, out of gratification to the crew you had such great comradery with, you fucked your boss. 25 years older than you. I was in the absolute prime of my sexual life and you fuck around with some guy 25 years older than you. You let him play with your tits as he undressed you and he caressed your pussy and you made out with him and you led him to your room. Because he was such a good guy. He was so kind to you. He affirmed how hard you worked. He built you up. He rewarded you with the possibilities of new opportunity. You gave him a hand job to get rid of him you say because the reality of his naked body and your naked body who no one else had ever seen hit you hard.

So you made an immediate, deliberate, intentional and rational decision. You would never allow yourself to be sexually tempted by the power of sex again. Secondly you would lie to me about what had happened for over 10 years. I'm not sure if the act or the lie were worse frankly. But gradually your conscience bore you out and you had to confess to me what had happened. But of course by this time I was being a bad husband. I had a profile on Fetlife, I had had several sexual affairs seeking that intimacy lost or really never gained. It was a joint confession - we met each other in the midst of our division.

What I heard was that George was a better person than I was. I heard that the women at the office told you they wouldn't put up with a shit like I was. I heard that I never cared about giving you pleasure first (that one really hurt). I heard that my actions and behaviors really produced your affair. I heard that I was really the one to blame.

I say fuck that shit. I know you have apologized. You would never again. But in so many ways I feel like you didn't come back because you loved me. I feel like you came back because you didn't want to be the adultress that broke up our marriage and face the humiliation of family and friends. It had more to do with you than it did with me. Again you reasoned out the problem created a solution and work around and engaged it moving forward.

All this time we had active sex life, as long as it was on your back or you on top. The dialogs I tried having with you regarding sex were met with disregard or disdain. Like when I tried early on to introduce some easy sex manuals with pencil drawings showing different techniques or positions you claimed they were nothing but porn with pencil and we didn't need that. Even though secretly you were masturbating and wrote it all off as having allergies and intercourse was frequently painful. Of course my masturbation was sick and disgusting. You didn't want to talk about a joint intimate sexuality that might have included mutal masturbation because that topic was morally offensive to you.

As time has progressed sexually we are just so separated, though emotionally connected by life. My sexual proclivities are sin you say. Oral sex is what hookers and slut do. You told me 30 years ago if I wanted a blow job then I would have to go pay for it. So I did. You want me to initiate some Mr Darcy like sex everytime and cover the bed with rose petals everytime, ride in on some white fucking horse everytime, because if I don't then all I want is a fuck, and you hate that term fuck because it fucking turns you completely off, even though years ago while we were making love you would say oh yes fuck me yes fuck.

Our bodies are different now. My dick can awaken and put on Mr. 7.25 hat, but sometimes he's just content just to squirt. But my mind is still deviantly horney and wants to be wanted and wants to continue to explore human sexuality. You know I have been active outside our marriage, and I know there is more so much more. It is not all for me, not all for you, I am willing to discover more together, or at least just find contentment with your contentment, but again you refuse to allow me to give you pleasure because emotionally you just don't want to lower the wall and allow me in.

Here is what I put out as my hopeful expectations.
1. You will again pursue sexual satisfaction with me. With my dick, with my fingers with my tongue with a vibrator... anything but I must be able to approach your satisfaction.
2. You can be boss of your satisfaction. You can say I am not comfortable doing that. But you cannot say that that is what sluts and whores do. Please please take morality out of our bedroom. What we agree to we can agree to and it is moral.
3. I can be the boss of my satisfaction. I can say I need you to suck my cock like a good little girl. I can pretend this or pretend that. I'm the boss. Now you can still say - I don't like this or that because it makes me feel like you are demeaning me, or whatever - but lets have some dialog over it. I might press you through it but I will always take you into account in it.
4. We will mutually seek to enhance our sexuality. Please look for things that make you look sexual sensual attractive and that enlarge your thinking of joint pleasure together. I have always tried to be clean and well put together for you. I have both dressed up and dressed down. Of late I have enjoyed not being dressed at all around the house. But I will try to set the sexual table in new ways also.
5. Understand that it's ok for you to be an object of my desire. I am not objectifying you by saying let me see your titties... (at least I don't think so). I am visually stimulated by not just naked female bodies, but in particular by the female body that says - here this is for you ... drink me in with your eyes. Look at how erect my nipples are.. they are thinking of you, look at all the serrations in the folds of my labia, they wait to surround you stiff dick and swallow your manseed.
6. You don't have to tell me that most women don't find the sight of a stiff cock or a soft cock stimulating. You don't have to tell me that most men are jackoff assholes that only want to cheat and lie. Please don't tell me that sex is for procreation. You don't have to tell me that God didn't intend for oral sex. You don't have to tell me about the morality of sex.
7. Please tear down the walls and quit solving problems unilaterally. If you want to have a full sexual and emotional life with me you must do this. If this is too big a step please realize that I need an open fully mutual sexual reality and if you cannot do this, that is fine - but understand I will have intimacy with females of the human race and you have been invited to dine with me in this. The choice is yours.
6. Regardless of the road you travel you will remain my wife. I will care for you as you need. I will remain your husband. The question that remains unanswered or perhaps actually answered is 'will you care for me as I need'. You cannot demand fidelity while at the same time abandoning sexual intimacy.

Unmovable. As true today as last year……..

 

[LourdMorpheus]

Truth

I'm thinking cohabitation with a partner who doesn't care about sex or intimacy is true hell on earth.

Yes, it is and or can be. But it does not diminish who you or I am as a human. The most difficult journeys produce the richest rewards…… My journey is no longer monogamy. It is ethical nonmonogamy. Doesn’t happen serially with pick up after pick up, or series of one nighters, but it happens one beautiful enchantress at a time. One day, she will move in forever……..

 

[Docg915]

I'm thinking cohabitation with a partner who doesn't care about sex or intimacy is true hell on earth.

It surely is. Are we hoping that one day a switch will flip and things will change? I used to think things would change, but not so sure anymore.

 

[Crownvic]

I'm thinking cohabitation with a partner who doesn't care about sex or intimacy is true hell on earth.

I agree with you completely...

 

[LustyScribe]

It surely is. Are we hoping that one day a switch will flip and things will change? I used to think things would change, but not so sure anymore.

I used to fall into that trap: "The sun will come out...tomorrow..." But that's just setting myself up for disappointment after agonizing disappointment. At 57, I am facing the very depressing reality that I may never feel physical intimacy again, and it is heartbreaking, because I would so love to converse with someone in my love language. I've spoken this language my whole life, and now, I converse only with my own self.

 

[jbgarcon]

I know that you're not alone - personally, I'm now going through this a 2nd time with a new long term partner. She's acknowledged the issue and is working on it - but after making the commitment and moving toward permanency, I can't help feeling an assortment of emotions and feelings - from betrayal and anger, to sadness and a loss... I love her (I was with my first wife for 30 years - sexless for the last 5) - and after 5 years with my new partner, we haven't been intimate for almost 4 months. I truly understand how you're feeling. Good luck...

 

[pfflyerhot]

So my wife does express affection, and she also extends expressions of love which are meaningful. I posted earlier and it was a little bit of a vomit session... sorry for it all, but what she is incapable of or unwilling to (connected together they are).. is being open sexually. She cannot speak about, share about is a sexuality other than in procreative terms. It is all a perversion. Quite the shits. She has not pursued her own pleasure with me but a few rare occasions in the last several years.

Venting your frustrations is a good thing. I wonder if your wife has any idea the depth of your feelings regarding this situation. Were I your wife I would want to know everything about how you feel, and always, discussion about all things would be a given. Perhaps you should consider letting your wife read your letter. Can it get any worse?
But, then again, I'm single, and I often find myself craving intimacy and sex, wondering if I'll ever have it again, but ... I am single. It makes sense I'd be craving intimacy. I don't have a warm body (or even a cold body) next to me in the bed. I'm not sleeping and living with someone who could, or maybe used to give me that intimacy. That situation seems worse than mine, for sure.
I wish all of you the best.

 

[brdplt]

I’m 39 and she’s 37. While not completely sexless, for a man with a powerful sex drive such as myself, having sex once a month is not nearly enough. The wife frequently promises me sex, then gets “tired” and “not in the mood.” She doesn’t seem to crave it, and she tenses up whenever we try new stuff. I’ve tried to address the issue frankly but it mostly falls on deaf ears. Exercise helps raise her libido, but she rarely makes time for that either. Makes me feel like a dog.

Good to know I’m not alone. However, I think I’m at a stage where I need a fwb, simply to release this tension and try a few things I never get to do, none of which is crazy kinky.

If there’s any lady that wants to know more… message me. I’m based in Ohio. 6-1, fit and muscular, and bearded.

man i think we are living the same life right down to the ages lol

 

[needle_seeker]

I know that you're not alone - personally, I'm now going through this a 2nd time with a new long term partner. She's acknowledged the issue and is working on it - but after making the commitment and moving toward permanency, I can't help feeling an assortment of emotions and feelings - from betrayal and anger, to sadness and a loss... I love her (I was with my first wife for 30 years - sexless for the last 5) - and after 5 years with my new partner, we haven't been intimate for almost 4 months. I truly understand how you're feeling. Good luck...

I know this is going to sound like overly simplistic advice to you, jbgarcon. And I beg your pardon. But why don't you just simply stay in France all the time? Might that not help relieve your problem?

 

[jbgarcon]

Needle_Seeker - I truly appreciate the spirit that your response was written in and for taking a "shot" at providing some advice.

No - it's not that simple. I had written a longer response, but it was lost while updating... so in writing this again, I will only say that this time around, she's aware and working on it. I too believe I found my needle, but I'm also just sad and frustrated in seeing a pattern emerge that I thought was behind me.

I have residences in both countries - both of us are from the US - and I have a business in Nor Cal - hence moving to France wouldn't solve anything. The chapter started in 2018 when we met - and we are soon to be married. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush applies. There are so many other qualities about her, including our compatibility, that makes it worth while to continue to work on this... my initial response to the previous post was to empathize my awareness and providing solace that men like us are not alone.

I haven't given up - but sex and intimacy is certainly not top of mind that I thought it would be when we started down this path together.

 

[needle_seeker]

Needle_Seeker - I truly appreciate the spirit that your response was written in and for taking a "shot" at providing some advice.

No - it's not that simple. I had written a longer response, but it was lost while updating... so in writing this again, I will only say that this time around, she's aware and working on it. I too believe I found my needle, but I'm also just sad and frustrated in seeing a pattern emerge that I thought was behind me.

I have residences in both countries - both of us are from the US - and I have a business in Nor Cal - hence moving to France wouldn't solve anything. The chapter started in 2018 when we met - and we are soon to be married. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush applies. There are so many other qualities about her, including our compatibility, that makes it worth while to continue to work on this... my initial response to the previous post was to empathize my awareness and providing solace that men like us are not alone.

I haven't given up - but sex and intimacy is certainly not top of mind that I thought it would be when we started down this path together.

Thank you for writing back, Garcon of a special kind. I had guessed my post looked at things overly simplistic. And your reply proved it.

I wish the two of you all the best of luck ever. And if I understand you correctly: what you are having together is rather substantial. Not like paradise, as you had hoped, but a lot more than just a little. And my guess is: it can only get better.

So good luck to y'all again. May the spirit of France do both of you a lot of good! Kind regards from Needle Finder now.

 

[J6222]

Sometimes life gets in the way.
I love my wife dearly, but her health issues have gotten in the way.
I find myself taking care of my needs any way I can, missing intimacy and closeness, the pleasing and pleasuring, the passion and excitement.

 

[TemptationTango]

Hard to believe, this thread is almost 3 years old and now 3,150 posts or eerily similar stories both for men and women. I wonder how many have found some form of relief? I may have, time will tell........