Sexless Marriages

[TTawhere]

In my experience its best to always put your cards out on the table. I have no issues letting my spouse know my frustration with lack of sex. I didnt say I dont love her. I didn’t say I am attracted to someone else. I made sure to let her know it’s simply a want and desire to be sexually fulfilled. I have urges. I am human and unfortunately my body produces chemicals at a higher rate that keep my sex drive humming along like my teenage years. I let her know it is embarrassing and hinders my ability to think clearly and focus at times. It was only after breaking it down like that did she understand my perspective. We actually had sex recently and after about 18 months of no sex with each other we both feel closer now that everything has been explained. We went to breakfast and ended up talking for well over 2 hours about our options. She again has encouraged for me to reach out to other wives that could use the confidence boost of another man physically wanting them. She said my desire for her through everything and my willingness to talk about my feelings is a huge turn on and maybe one day she will ask for me to bring another woman home. It’s not my goal but it sure sounds like my wife and I are slowly moving to a new chapter.

Glad to hear you're making progress. You have to start somewhere.

 

[TTawhere]

So I’ve had a very peaceful contemplative day & a chance to think clearly. I posted this elsewhere in the PG but thought I’d share it here with the people I consider ‘Lit family’. Many of you know of my recent sadness & why.....

“I finally realized I only deserve the best & I have choices. I’m mentally stronger, less gullible, less trusting, less needy, more independent, less forgiving, my heart is very guarded & now I know my own worth

I appear to have raised the walls & drawbridge on my fortress

I like to have a man in my life... but I don’t need one to be happy & fulfilled!

When you hit rock bottom like I did Monday, it opens your eyes to truths & there’s only one way you can go.”

You know my thoughts. I'm glad you've been able to find that within you.

 

[Rt127]

So I’ve had a very peaceful contemplative day & a chance to think clearly. I posted this elsewhere in the PG but thought I’d share it here with the people I consider ‘Lit family’. Many of you know of my recent sadness & why.....

“I finally realized I only deserve the best & I have choices. I’m mentally stronger, less gullible, less trusting, less needy, more independent, less forgiving, my heart is very guarded & now I know my own worth

I appear to have raised the walls & drawbridge on my fortress

I like to have a man in my life... but I don’t need one to be happy & fulfilled!

When you hit rock bottom like I did Monday, it opens your eyes to truths & there’s only one way you can go.”

Sounds like my marriage. But thats another story friend.

 

[wizard59]

You jut need a good friend to give you blowjobs when nobody is looking so to speak.

 

[ccs29745]

You jut need a good friend to give you blowjobs when nobody is looking so to speak.

Only if it's my wife giving me the blowjob.

 

[philos]

Only if it's my wife giving me the blowjob.

Does anyone’s wife still give them blowjobs after they’re married?

 

[Bpar721971]

What happened Monday you hit rock bottom? Just curious

 

[philos]

Pretty much. Or at least I can see it from here

 

[ccs29745]

Does anyone’s wife still give them blowjobs after they’re married?

Mine use to. Lol

 

[jayjay04]

Pretty much. Or at least I can see it from here

If we dont get sex, surely the answer to that is a given?
To be fair, I would rather have sex over a bj, but at the minute anything is better than nothing.

 

[theotherdavid]

So pleased to find this thread - I thought I was in a very rare position. But I am surprised to find women in sexless marriages - I thought it was mostly men who where caught in the predicament. Love to hear how people handled it with their other half

 

[ccs29745]

So pleased to find this thread - I thought I was in a very rare position. But I am surprised to find women in sexless marriages - I thought it was mostly men who where caught in the predicament. Love to hear how people handled it with their other half

I shot mine. Lol just kidding. I love my significant other the same each day as I did the day before. I just hope one day she'll want to be touched and made love to again.

 

[Specula]

I am a lurker... but couldn’t NOT chime in to this thread. Sexual Anorexia (great word) began immediately for my relationship. I thought he was a nice guy and a gentleman. In the beginning we had a long distance relationship and met up every 4-6 weeks to date and be intimate. Ironically- that is how often we have had sex for the past 16 years -if I was lucky. I have begged, cried, threatened, read books, tried EVERYTHING... and I do mean everything. Nothing worked, in fact, it may have made things worse.

7 years ago he was diagnosed with low T. He began treatment to no effect.

4 years ago I met a man here and we had the most incredible love affair. It ended and with it, my desires did as well. I prayed to become Asexual, like my husband, because he’s an amazing man in ALL other aspects.

God answered my prayers and now I’m “existing”. I don’t want sex from my husband, don’t need sex and have even turned him down. (Which he throws the hugest fit about and gets soooo pissed about. I’m not vindictive. I just tell him to be happy, we are finally on the same page and I’m not hounding him and crying and threatening.) That internal fire and burn that enveloped me from the inside out has been snuffed out. I feel numb. But it’s better than the pain and heartache.

He has never been outwardly affectionate. I can’t remember the last time we “made out”, Perhaps before marriage. He will hold my hand for very short periods of time and hugs and pecks for my way out the door are common.

He’s a family figure now,like a dad, or a brother. I want nothing but good for him and love him? but DO NOT want to have sex with him. It’s a pathetic existence and I realize that. However, I have chosen my path. I strayed and ultimately stayed.

Don’t get me wrong it took its toll on me, but I am a gorgeous, successful, educated, kind, incredible mother and friend. I just needed to find myself and KNOW that for myself....I was ENOUGH. I needed to keep active and fit... for myself, even though no one sees me naked in that way any more.

My advice to all those who suffer sexual anorexia along side me, is to find the best version of yourself through it. If you are overweight and don’t like it, change it. If you need a wardrobe enhancement, spend the money on it. Take care of you. I will never regret my affair, because he taught me so much and we helped build one another back up, so that we could stay for our families. I will always love him.

You are ENOUGH. Find a way to convince yourself of it. Also except that moving on isn’t a failure and that looking outside of your marriage for love doesn’t make you a bad person. Lack of affection is a form of neglect and we all do what we can to get through it.

A kind of heroism, but self-denial is not really the answer.

But I can hardly 'disagree' with your decision, of course.

One possible reaction with which I sympathize: separate and live in dignity, come what may.

 

[Abetterme]

So I’ve had a very peaceful contemplative day & a chance to think clearly. I posted this elsewhere in the PG but thought I’d share it here with the people I consider ‘Lit family’. Many of you know of my recent sadness & why.....

“I finally realized I only deserve the best & I have choices. I’m mentally stronger, less gullible, less trusting, less needy, more independent, less forgiving, my heart is very guarded & now I know my own worth

I appear to have raised the walls & drawbridge on my fortress

I like to have a man in my life... but I don’t need one to be happy & fulfilled!

When you hit rock bottom like I did Monday, it opens your eyes to truths & there’s only one way you can go.”

Hope things have improved for you

 

[Shouldiagain2]

Maybe its just comfort

Maybe some of us lose that urge to be with the same thing over and over again. I know my ex was that way when we were married, I mean we would from time to time, but not with any regularity. I am 44 going on 18 it seems and WAY more open to things now than I was as a younger man.

 

[LuciousLadyMary]

In my experience its best to always put your cards out on the table. I have no issues letting my spouse know my frustration with lack of sex. I didnt say I dont love her. I didn’t say I am attracted to someone else. I made sure to let her know it’s simply a want and desire to be sexually fulfilled. I have urges. I am human and unfortunately my body produces chemicals at a higher rate that keep my sex drive humming along like my teenage years. I let her know it is embarrassing and hinders my ability to think clearly and focus at times. It was only after breaking it down like that did she understand my perspective. We actually had sex recently and after about 18 months of no sex with each other we both feel closer now that everything has been explained. We went to breakfast and ended up talking for well over 2 hours about our options. She again has encouraged for me to reach out to other wives that could use the confidence boost of another man physically wanting them. She said my desire for her through everything and my willingness to talk about my feelings is a huge turn on and maybe one day she will ask for me to bring another woman home. It’s not my goal but it sure sounds like my wife and I are slowly moving to a new chapter.

So happy to hear you're working on your marriage. Communication works... imagine that.

 

[spawnofdavey]

So happy to hear you're working on your marriage. Communication works... imagine that.

Unfortunately after countless attempts at communication, therapy and other options, not everyone is so lucky. I'm pretty sure most of the people posting here aren't just sitting on their arses waiting for things to change of their own accord. Not everyone is happy to let their OH fuck around.

 

[ccs29745]

Unfortunately after countless attempts at communication, therapy and other options, not everyone is so lucky. I'm pretty sure most of the people posting here aren't just sitting on their arses waiting for things to change of their own accord. Not everyone is happy to let their OH fuck around.

Haven't tried counseling. Thought about it, but can't afford it really. Hope things work out for everyone

 

[spawnofdavey]

Haven't tried counseling. Thought about it, but can't afford it really. Hope things work out for everyone

Thank you. We've both tried separately and as a couple. There's a long waiting list but the NHS offers free counseling in the UK.

 

[pjfrommass]

sexless in NH, USA

Hi, I am mid 60's in a sexless marriage for 7 years. And before 2012 sex was 2-3 times per year. I have been through the "talks" with my wife many many times but to no avail. The marriage is very compatible except for sex. I am not looking for advice, I know my options. Looking for a penpal; a married woman over 60 in the same circumstance. No Trump lovers...sorry. Actually are there any woman that are Trump lovers? lol

 

[NotASavior]

So happy to hear you're working on your marriage. Communication works... imagine that.

It’s been great since we talked still. Super thankful to have found this thread. I am traveling this week for work and I had a text last night while I was sleeping from my wife saying she cant wait for me to go home and bend her over. In all our years she has never said anything like that via text.

Guess she was feeling frisky from a few messages I sent her from the hotel lounge that its a total cock fest with the bartender being the only female. She texted back give her a tip she wont forget.

 

[applebottomwife]

Sexless here too

No sex for many years. I'm 46 and starved.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

As depressing as this thread is, it is cathartic hearing the different experiences, the struggles that are being shared. I sometimes think we put marriage on such a high pedestal based on both unachievable expectations and unrealistic values that we create an inhuman entrapment for ourselves...

 

[ccs29745]

As depressing as this thread is, it is cathartic hearing the different experiences, the struggles that are being shared. I sometimes think we put marriage on such a high pedestal based on both unachievable expectations and unrealistic values that we create an inhuman entrapment for ourselves...

I agree some. I look at marriage as one thing, expectations to be met. Life on the other hand, turns it into something else sometimes.

For example, wife off at 4, I'm off at 5, we make dinner and eat at home. Instead, traffic and other things we end up taking dinner home.

Try to do things together, but little things get in the way.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

To all the newbies discovering this thread, welcome to the club none of us want to belong to on Lit!

We are a friendly support system for each other, most of us have tried all the usual routes to improve our situations and we know first hand how hard it is.

So feel free to share your story and expect no judgment, a friendly ear or 10, advice and a lot of understanding and support.

Some here still hold out hope of a change at home, others of us have already made the decision at some point we will be making a change, because we can’t live like this for the rest of our days. I’m firmly in the latter group, but like others I’m working on a game plan to make it feasible.

So jump right in and we will help or support as much or as little as you need

DD
(aka : Thread Security if assholes wander in to tell us what they think we should be doing!)