Sexless Marriages

[Polranny]

What makes you think we haven’t? My SO and I have done years of therapy. Individual, couples, family, etc. we’ve overcome many issues but sex isn’t one of them. It wasn’t until long into my marriage I discovered she was asexual. No libido. Already committed with child. I wasn’t looking for a hookup I just wanted to vent frustration.

Same back story for me. Therapy largely ineffective , always drama, trauma and crises to keep us busy and on our mettle. Frustrating for me , and disappointing. For some unfathomable reason we are still together.

 

[guyforfun919]

rivvie, come to Wash DC and we can be bad together lol

 

[TTawhere]

I will utterly and totally reject the idea that we've not communicated, and refuse to be pigeonholed into a particular "genre".

When SWMBO and I started to date, the repertoire in the bedroom was limited based on my previous experience. Had I fully understood how limited, I might not have married her, but love is a quirky thing and I don't regret our union. I do love my wife, and will not leave her as I've made a vow and intend to keep it. I've got a particular code that I live by - others may find it quaint or antiquated, but that's the man that I am.

I will also not ask SWMBO for an open marriage because I know, from conversations that we've had, and personal experience that it would hurt her deeply. I am unwilling to do that to her.

SWMBO has, unfortunately, been the recipient of a certain genetic lottery that you just don't want to win. When having children, we learned that she has a genetic disorder and that we're fortunate that she is as healthy as she is. As a result of this genetic disorder, she also has a disease called NF2 which leaves her losing her hearing in her left ear and having benign tumors which grow on the dura of the brain and at nerve endings throughout the body. These tumors may involve pain and unless medically necessary to remove, they are left alone. SWMBO also has a myeloproliferative disorder which is treated with chemo drugs and leaves her tired and between the chemical effects and those of the particular disorder had no libido. None. She has no interest in giving or receiving pleasure of any form. She has also had an undiagnosed vaginal pain for which contact internally or externally is not pleasant.

On top of that, she's older than I and menopause took away any remains of desire or a will to try to work to come up with a solution.

We have spoken with OBGYN's, we have spoken with specialists regarding the particular disorders that she has, we have spoken with counselors. None was able to offer anything to give us options in the bedroom and she has made the decision that she does not wish to try any more.

The lack of desire on her part does not mean we don't share love and some level of intimacy with one another, but sex, in any form does not exist in our lives and has not for a little over 5 years. In the time prior to that we tried, through pain and discouragement while communicating our needs and wants, but that is over.

If you do not live my life or SWMBO's life, you will likely not understand where we have been, what we have tried and where we are.

For those who are so willing to sentence me to a life of celibacy, I say walk a mile in my shoes and tell me that.

I would like to find a woman to share that level of intimacy, dare I say 'love' and satisfaction that comes along with sex. I'd not ask a woman who is single and has the chance to find love and happiness on her own with a partner that might be life-long. I would prefer to find someone who is in my situation or a similar one to share with so that we can make each other's life a better thing.

I may never find that other, special woman and am willing to live with not finding her, but would prefer to if I can.

 

[Epheme]

I'm widowed but my marriage was not sexless. I travel for work though, sometimes in long spurts so we probably crammed it in when I was home or he was visiting. Maybe that was the secret.

 

[ccs29745]

Though as walk thru the shadows of the valley of sexlessness, i will fear no flirting. Lol

BTW brit, look cute when you're feisty like that.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

I will utterly and totally reject the idea that we've not communicated, and refuse to be pigeonholed into a particular "genre".

When SWMBO and I started to date, the repertoire in the bedroom was limited based on my previous experience. Had I fully understood how limited, I might not have married her, but love is a quirky thing and I don't regret our union. I do love my wife, and will not leave her as I've made a vow and intend to keep it. I've got a particular code that I live by - others may find it quaint or antiquated, but that's the man that I am.

I will also not ask SWMBO for an open marriage because I know, from conversations that we've had, and personal experience that it would hurt her deeply. I am unwilling to do that to her.

SWMBO has, unfortunately, been the recipient of a certain genetic lottery that you just don't want to win. When having children, we learned that she has a genetic disorder and that we're fortunate that she is as healthy as she is. As a result of this genetic disorder, she also has a disease called NF2 which leaves her losing her hearing in her left ear and having benign tumors which grow on the dura of the brain and at nerve endings throughout the body. These tumors may involve pain and unless medically necessary to remove, they are left alone. SWMBO also has a myeloproliferative disorder which is treated with chemo drugs and leaves her tired and between the chemical effects and those of the particular disorder had no libido. None. She has no interest in giving or receiving pleasure of any form. She has also had an undiagnosed vaginal pain for which contact internally or externally is not pleasant.

On top of that, she's older than I and menopause took away any remains of desire or a will to try to work to come up with a solution.

We have spoken with OBGYN's, we have spoken with specialists regarding the particular disorders that she has, we have spoken with counselors. None was able to offer anything to give us options in the bedroom and she has made the decision that she does not wish to try any more.

The lack of desire on her part does not mean we don't share love and some level of intimacy with one another, but sex, in any form does not exist in our lives and has not for a little over 5 years. In the time prior to that we tried, through pain and discouragement while communicating our needs and wants, but that is over.

If you do not live my life or SWMBO's life, you will likely not understand where we have been, what we have tried and where we are.

For those who are so willing to sentence me to a life of celibacy, I say walk a mile in my shoes and tell me that.

I would like to find a woman to share that level of intimacy, dare I say 'love' and satisfaction that comes along with sex. I'd not ask a woman who is single and has the chance to find love and happiness on her own with a partner that might be life-long. I would prefer to find someone who is in my situation or a similar one to share with so that we can make each other's life a better thing.

I may never find that other, special woman and am willing to live with not finding her, but would prefer to if I can.

I am so very sorry for the situation your SWMBO finds herself in, her pain and sadness must be tangible, and I can tell from your caring posts you are a blessing to her. I greatly admire your “antiquated” stance, don’t ever change!

The words “if only” come to mind...

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Though as walk thru the shadows of the valley of sexlessness, i will fear no flirting. Lol

BTW brit, look cute when you're feisty like that.

Aww thank you

But how dare someone swan in and beat up on “our” little family like that! Don’t let the barn door hit you on the way out missy!

 

[Twistedkink]

Aww thank you

But how dare someone swan in and beat up on “our” little family like that! Don’t let the barn door hit you on the way out missy!

You are a beauty to be treasured Brit.

Sincerely,

Robert

 

[Spenser41]

Like the others above me I also take exception to this advice!

I have talked until I’m blue in the face, done months of counseling until he was done (not me), initiated, consistently walked around naked or in sexy underwear, got him on testosterone shots and nada.

So thanks for telling me I need to work harder

Thank you for saying what you did. Too many times some come in here and just tell us stop sitting on your asses and communicate. So easy to think that have the answers when the have no clue what we have or haven't done. And if you had walked around me naked - you would have to beat me off with a stick. Lol.

Thanks again.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

I may never find that other, special woman and am willing to live with not finding her, but would prefer to if I can.

Same back story for me. Therapy largely ineffective , always drama, trauma and crises to keep us busy and on our mettle. Frustrating for me , and disappointing. For some unfathomable reason we are still together.

I don’t think it is fair to make generalizations about people in this thread. It certainly isn’t helpful.

What makes you think we haven’t?

Though as walk thru the shadows of the valley of sexlessness, i will fear no flirting. Lol

BTW brit, look cute when you're feisty like that.

You are a beauty to be treasured Brit.

Sincerely,

Robert

Thank you for saying what you did. Too many times some come in here and just tell us stop sitting on your asses and communicate. So easy to think that have the answers when the have no clue what we have or haven't done. And if you had walked around me naked - you would have to beat me off with a stick. Lol.

Thanks again.

Boys!

You all do know I’m a kickboxing Queen right?

Just sayin’, I have you all covered, leave thread security in my safe hands

 

[Twistedkink]

Boys!

You all do know I’m a kickboxing Queen right?

Just sayin’, I have you all covered, leave thread security in my safe hands

Never doubted you Queen! Your have our complete trust and respect!

Robert

 

[ccs29745]

Boys!

You all do know I’m a kickboxing Queen right?

Just sayin’, I have you all covered, leave thread security in my safe hands

Oh, we know, but is also gentleman's duty to defend a lady is it not

 

[MutualMatureMike]

Hope this gets your imagination going...

Boys!

You all do know I’m a kickboxing Queen right?

Just sayin’, I have you all covered, leave thread security in my safe hands

Ouch!!

 

[TTawhere]

I am so very sorry for the situation your SWMBO finds herself in, her pain and sadness must be tangible, and I can tell from your caring posts you are a blessing to her. I greatly admire your “antiquated” stance, don’t ever change!

Thank you for the kindness. Again.

IThe words “if only” come to mind...

Oh, my, yes indeed. You’ll have to excuse me for a moment. I think I have something in my eyes.

 

[Curiousmn]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

I haven’t been on here much lately, but saw your post and it sounds exactly like my situation. Been married 28+ years and our sex life is vanilla (when it does happen).

 

[Rt127]

Like the others above me I also take exception to this advice!

I have talked until I’m blue in the face, done months of counseling until he was done (not me), initiated, consistently walked around naked or in sexy underwear, got him on testosterone shots and nada.

So thanks for telling me I need to work harder

Agree!!!

 

[philos]

I guess I started this all by venting. Sorry everyone.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

I guess I started this all by venting. Sorry everyone.

Dude!!!

Are you serious, we all felt the same way and one of us would have been right along if you had not led the charge 🛡

 

[MutualMatureMike]

I guess I started this all by venting. Sorry everyone.

I think a lot of us a very grateful, it's kind of an oasis.

 

[Bpar721971]

I think a lot of us a very grateful, it's kind of an oasis.

Everyone here is grateful. It’s a subject many of us are living and it helps to share with others as we find out we’re not alone, it’s common to both sexes, and there are various reasons we suffer and there’s one answer to solve everyone’s situation.

 

[Paksdm]

close to ten years now - ever since she finished menopause. She's even gotten very body shy and goes to extremes to ensure no one sees her undressed - it's kinda funny in a sad way. We joked to the minister when we got married that it would be a race to see who's libido gave out first...clearly, hers did. HRT is a no-go for her due to complications so no more sex unless she dies and I find someone else... The really annoying part of all this is that she made a unilateral decision to stop having sex with me long before she hit menopause...now all I get is a quick peck on our anniversary.

 

[jayjay04]

Im not married but in a long term relationship and we last had sex in Jan!
I am literally climbing the walls and cant get any. I should have one arm like pop eye!

What can you do though? Who wants sex when the other person is just going through the motions. Even if I talked it through with them I would be still wondering if they are just doing it for the sake of it. It is a horrible situation.

 

[ccs29745]

Im not married but in a long term relationship and we last had sex in Jan!
I am literally climbing the walls and cant get any. I should have one arm like pop eye!

What can you do though? Who wants sex when the other person is just going through the motions. Even if I talked it through with them I would be still wondering if they are just doing it for the sake of it. It is a horrible situation.

Need a book on womans emotions. I've tried talking and been there for wide, but I got it wrong and have no idea what I did wrong. Some emotions are hard to read.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Im not married but in a long term relationship and we last had sex in Jan!
I am literally climbing the walls and cant get any. I should have one arm like pop eye!

What can you do though? Who wants sex when the other person is just going through the motions. Even if I talked it through with them I would be still wondering if they are just doing it for the sake of it. It is a horrible situation.

This was the problem for me the last time we even tried which was more than a year a go! He was just going through the motions and so I stopped it, days later I moved into the spare bed. I have never moved back and we can’t even talk about it, so I get where you are at totally

Welcome to our family, it’s a great support.

 

[TTawhere]

Book?

Need a book on womans emotions. I've tried talking and been there for wide, but I got it wrong and have no idea what I did wrong. Some emotions are hard to read.

https://chaosandclarity.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/men-women-on-off-switch.jpg