Sex Chat - better than wife?

[Missingmeds]

I stand corrected, then.

I suppose my observations come from the time I started posting on Lit, as opposed to my "lurker days." Take them for what they're worth, which probably isn't much. I like to hear both sides if the story as well, but it doesn't tend to happen.

I so agree with you that it really doesn't tend to happen. But I always ask anyway.

 

[SweetErika]

I've had the impression that unfaithful came here to understand the site, mentality, activities, etc. and get advice on how she could contribute to improving their marriage, not to tell a story, confirm she's right, or use our opinions as a substitute for communication. It sounds like they've talked about this at length, she has a better understanding of his motivations, and they're working on it. So, IMHO, his side of the story doesn't have much relevance at this point, though I agree it's extremely important in most cases.

Even under these circumstances, I'm glad you're here, unfaithful, and I hope you have and will continue to use Lit as a resource to improve your relationship.

 

[sexyjenn]

I've had the impression that unfaithful came here to understand the site, mentality, activities, etc. and get advice on how she could contribute to improving their marriage, not to tell a story, confirm she's right, or use our opinions as a substitute for communication. It sounds like they've talked about this at length, she has a better understanding of his motivations, and they're working on it. So, IMHO, his side of the story doesn't have much relevance at this point, though I agree it's extremely important in most cases.

Even under these circumstances, I'm glad you're here, unfaithful, and I hope you have and will continue to use Lit as a resource to improve your relationship.

I second that, I've had the same impression and as it happens her husband actually PM me before she joined here. I didn't view his cam or even hear from him ever again after his initial message, I thought nothing of it until she PM me and I understood, put two and two together.

I hope that you do enjoy Lit hun and maybe when you and your husband work things out we may get to see the both of you enjoying it together like many other couples do here

 

['Ol Tex]

Discussion Is Good-

I am not trying to be a problem but I sense that there is far more to this than we are hearing too Ol Tex.

He has exactly one post on latinlovely's thread that said that if women wanted to see cock to pm him. Now I am not sure, but I don't think that many women here would pm someone like that I am not so sure that many would respond to him pming them either. I will post the link to that thread in just a second and that will be the edit to this post.

Link

That is the only post that I could find of his. Which really tells us nothing other than he has a slight exhibitionist streak maybe.

I can see this disscussion going in a postive way now. I am replying to you and then the other lady (Eilan)?? (sorry, can't see the name for spelling). ANYWAY....so y'all will know, I'm 'older' than most of you (babies) here so consequently I have seen MANY cons in my life. (Most performed on me, LOL). But unfaithful's story just SEEMED to strange.

I say that because I know if my wife caught me here she would NOT come on here later with her own name etc. trying to find out why I was on here doing whatever I was doing. But, all people do not react the same. After reading unfaithful's answer this morning I see her position a little clearer now. Different but clearer. So I will just hang back and follow this along and not be so quick to ASSUME we are being conned. This is an amazing situation here and if as she says, well, my hat is off to her for being so UNDERSTANDING.

 

['Ol Tex]

You Are Correct Also-

Can I just make an observation here?

We get a lot of threads dealing with various sexual incompatibilities/issues, and I've noticed something: Why is it what when a man starts a thread saying that he and his wife haven't had sex for a long time, or don't do it as often as he'd like, some people here seem to be less likely to question that? Why does nobody ask to hear the wife's side of the story? (I know it's not likely to happen since the wives probably don't know that their husbands are here.) In fact, the ONE time that I remarked that it would be interesting to hear the wife's POV, I think killed the thread.

Call me naive, but I don't see why it's unreasonable to think that unfaithful2005 might come to Lit to understand her husband's behavior. She's a much better person than I am, because if I'd started this thread and my honesty/integrity were called into question, I wouldn't stick around long enough to justify anything to anyone.

You have a very good point here too Eilan. Just as I told Missingmeds, being 'older' does not mean I am 'wiser' but I have been exposed to MANY cons over the years. I have been on the Net since August of 2000. Most of you here may have never heard of a site called women (dot) com. It was a message board/story telling/ fantasy-type place much as this (site). I loved that place. Met some very nice people there. But also discovered a LOT of fakes!

Men pretending to be women. Women posting as if they were men. Women claiming to be bisexual and of course, men claiming to have extremely large you-know-whats. Many may have been that way BUT...........at that site, some people were actually meeting one another (at times), and one male poster there was proved to NOT be who he said he was. That in itself should not have been a shock except that he was getting LOTS of sympathy from women posters, (who would meet him to take care of his 'needs').

Now, they were wanting to HELP him because he posted that his wife was terminally ill and could not perform. It was discovered that his wife was not only VERY HEALTHY but owned a business that provided him with the money for airfare etc. to meet these other women! That's just one example. We all know there are 'users' out there who prey on the gullibility of others.

But you are right when you say MEN'S VIEWS are not taken to task as often as women's and I have no answer for that. Men are more likely for deceit than women because I think our egos won't allow us to be caught in a lie. Women, it seems to me, when caught will most often admit it and SAY WHY. So I will reply to unfaithful2005 and hope things go well for her. Obviously, if all is true, (and I believe her now), she is a remarkable woman.

 

['Ol Tex]

You Have A Unique Perspective-

Hi pen name was DaHard1. I don't think he posted much - he told me he PM'd girls alot and those who responded he had sex with online under instant messenger. I would love for him to post, but he despises this site now. He knows I'm here and he knows why too. We have different reasons why we use the same site. You can even glance at my previous postings - I'm not here to find other people for myself. Being here made me understand how he developed his ideas. I've even talked to his ex cybermates cause I wanted to know what they were doing that I didn't know how to do for him.

When I first found out he was exposing himself in the camera, yes, I thought it was weird. When I came here, I realized this is nothing new. Lots of guys here offer to do that. When he suggested he wanted to post my pics, I was shocked again, like why would he want to do that? Now I see that many husbands do that here. They're not jealous, instead they're proud of the compliments they get. And nope, I never agreed because I've always felt my body was for his pleasure only.

He was obviously unsatisfied with our sex life. I want to make it more so and I'm learning here how from other people's ideas - something I wish he did rather than just use it for himself. Since then, I've learned to keep my ears and mind more open minded to things he like. I want him to voice them out so that WE, together can fulfill it. Is that so bad? Now that we're calmer, I have suggested we use this site together, because he obviously enjoyed it. He's always been turned on with a 3some and no I'm not open to it in real life, but maybe I can meet him halfway and have it online. Its very easy for him to go back and open under a new pen name without me knowing, but I want it so that he doesn't see the need to because I am open to it now if he makes it as a couple enjoyment than just his.

I don't think I can make his fantasies disappear, I want to make them come true as close as I find acceptable that doesn't demean me or leave me out. I found his route destructive to our marriage. We have a problem that obviously made him feel like less of a man in real life even though I assured him I was happy. Don't take me wrong, I'm very open-minded. I've always supported his fantasies, but he concealed this one from me. Had he told me why he was here, I would have been more consentful. You can use this website in two ways: it can enhance your marriage or it can destroy it. Its the deception I had a problem with.

Your perspective on the situation is very HEARTENING. So, if there IS a con here then I desreve to be conned, (again)! LOL. Seriously, as I mentioned to the others, being conned is almost a RITUAL here in Texas! I mean, any state that can provide the country with LBJ and George Bush well.........I think that speaks for itself! But your reply now makes me feel like a heel because I come here without my wife's knowledge. We love each other but there is no sex in our life. (Do I here Eilan groaning here? LOL). So I come here for an ocassional 'stroking' of the ego, you know, being told that my life is still worth something etc. But, so you say, you are a willing partner for your husband so therefore his 'deceit' was the point of discontent. I can not say why a man who gets plenty of attention at home would come on here and want to even show his 'thingy' on cam to others. It may very well be, as someone said, an EXHIBITIONIST issue here. I don't know how he could feel like 'less of a man' if you are giving him all that attention. I can only say that I would not be here if my wife was as 'active' (and obviously understanding), as you. I really have no answer as to why a man would come here if he was getting 'plenty' at home. I will add to that however, I have seen many instances in my life where a man would 'fool around' JUST BECAUSE HE COULD !!

I tried to tell a co-worker one time that he was going to lose a good woman, (at home), if he kept going out to the topless bars and running around with bar whores etc. He just pooh-poohed me off with my advice but when the wife did leave him, he came crying to me wanting to know why!! I think what you are doing is JUST THE WAY I would want my wife to react and that is, approach me with WHY am I doing this and also sit down and the two of us TALK about how my activities could be directed more to HER way. My wife refuses to discuss our problem so I come here to learn as you said and I applaud you for WANTING to learn other's views.

So I apologize for doubting you. I guess why I had such a hard time believing you (at first) is because your outlook to the problem is so..........so UNIQUE it defies description. Instead of raving and ranting, you are wanting to work HARDER for him. He needs to straighten up because he is LUCKIER than he knows!! Let us know how it goes.

 

[Eilan]

[QUOTE='Ol Tex]Men pretending to be women. Women posting as if they were men. Women claiming to be bisexual and of course, men claiming to have extremely large you-know-whats. Many may have been that way BUT...........at that site, some people were actually meeting one another (at times), and one male poster there was proved to NOT be who he said he was. That in itself should not have been a shock except that he was getting LOTS of sympathy from women posters, (who would meet him to take care of his 'needs').

Now, they were wanting to HELP him because he posted that his wife was terminally ill and could not perform. It was discovered that his wife was not only VERY HEALTHY but owned a business that provided him with the money for airfare etc. to meet these other women! That's just one example. We all know there are 'users' out there who prey on the gullibility of others. [/QUOTE]Interesting. . . you should hop on over to the thread I started a couple of days ago.

 

[unfaithful2005]

[QUOTE='Ol Tex]So I apologize for doubting you. I guess why I had such a hard time believing you (at first) is because your outlook to the problem is so..........so UNIQUE it defies description. Instead of raving and ranting, you are wanting to work HARDER for him. He needs to straighten up because he is LUCKIER than he knows!! Let us know how it goes. [/QUOTE]

Hey Ol Tex,

No worries, an apology won't be necessary. Although I was slightly taken aback by your suspicion, I am not surprised. I admit that my method of confronting problems are not conventional. I am a strong believer that although you don't control what life throws at you, you can still turn things around in your favor depending on how you approach it.

My first instinct when I discovered this was of course the natural rage. I'm a small woman but I have no doubt I could have picked him up and thrown him down the stairs. I kicked him out that night and I spent the next 2 days investigating what he had been up to. Although he was very quick to erase everything in his Lit folders, there was one that slipped (ironically it was a reply to his invitation from sexyjenn, believe it or not). That's how I discovered he was exposing himself on the webcam on top of sex chatting.

I understand what you said about people living 2 lives. My husband was nothing like what he described himself in his profiles. I was angry because I wasn't sure if the real him was the one I married or the pervert masturbating in the webcam. I did think he was a pervert at first, but I discovered he was an exhibitionist - I am beginning to accept and accomodate that. It was very easy to hate him had I taken that route, but when I saw his shame and despair, I realized the problem was deeper than it appeared. I didn't realize the extent of how not giving me an orgasm destroyed him. Here, similar to you, he found women who were eager to demonstrate how much they lust after his body and hearing/seeing them type that they orgasm watching him made him feel better than I ever could. Yes, my heart bleeds just typing that, but it was true.

My husband is very sincere with his apology and would very much like to move on. He's vowed never to return here because the memory of how hurt I looked that night gave him a wake up call. He's even turned down my offer to have a 3some cybersex twice. Like I said, he's not in favor of me being here, but I've explained to him that getting advice here is my alternative to the $120/hr rate of local sex therapists that we obviously cant afford right now. We're trying to spice things up a little, but in the back of my head, I still wonder what would happen if its just my luck that I remain inorgasmic and if my husband can accept that without feeling like a failure again.

 

[unfaithful2005]

I second that, I've had the same impression and as it happens her husband actually PM me before she joined here. I didn't view his cam or even hear from him ever again after his initial message, I thought nothing of it until she PM me and I understood, put two and two together.

I hope that you do enjoy Lit hun and maybe when you and your husband work things out we may get to see the both of you enjoying it together like many other couples do here

Hi Sexyjenn,

Ironically, yes, it was your reply that helped me discover what my husband was doing. He had erased all of his messages and yours came in after I obtained his login and password. I know this has been weird for you as well, but if I didn't see your reply, this would have continued for I don't know how long behind my back. Now, even dahard1 says it was a blessing in disguise, because now that all (which I hope) has been discovered, he feels relieved to be done with his hiding.

~unfaithful~

 

[SweetErika]

<snip>
We're trying to spice things up a little, but in the back of my head, I still wonder what would happen if its just my luck that I remain inorgasmic and if my husband can accept that without feeling like a failure again.

As I've said, I admire you and think you've handled this situation beautifully. But this sentence struck me...you're not inorgasmic, and even if you were, it really has nothing to do with YOU and is ultimately up to him to do some hard work to change his way of thinking. Apart from quitting his activities, apologizing, and spicing things up, what has he been doing to fix this? Does he have a plan to change his beliefs? I guess I get the feeling you're doing a ton on the assumption it's the orgasms are the main issue, and can't help but wonder what he's doing to fix the real problem.

 

[unfaithful2005]

As I've said, I admire you and think you've handled this situation beautifully. But this sentence struck me...you're not inorgasmic, and even if you were, it really has nothing to do with YOU and is ultimately up to him to do some hard work to change his way of thinking. Apart from quitting his activities, apologizing, and spicing things up, what has he been doing to fix this? Does he have a plan to change his beliefs? I guess I get the feeling you're doing a ton on the assumption it's the orgasms are the main issue, and can't help but wonder what he's doing to fix the real problem.

Hi SweetErika,
I actually brought this up to him earlier today. He says he is happy now and he doesn't miss cybering at all, but I hesitate to just brush everything under the rug and continue as if nothing happened (although I see this is how he prefers it).

Its exhausting to guess what is really going on his head. This was going on for awhile, that I'm a bit skeptical it can be stopped just like that. It would be wonderful if I knew for a fact that I can take everything he says at its face value - thats how it was before all this happened. I certainly miss the comfort and peace of mind of having complete trust in your spouse. Things were much simpler then. But you know, I'm trying to convince myself that if we're really committed to make things good again, I'll have to learn to trust him completely. If I'm wrong, I guess I'll know eventually.

 

[SweetErika]

Hi SweetErika,
I actually brought this up to him earlier today. He says he is happy now and he doesn't miss cybering at all, but I hesitate to just brush everything under the rug and continue as if nothing happened (although I see this is how he prefers it).

Its exhausting to guess what is really going on his head. This was going on for awhile, that I'm a bit skeptical it can be stopped just like that. It would be wonderful if I knew for a fact that I can take everything he says at its face value - thats how it was before all this happened. I certainly miss the comfort and peace of mind of having complete trust in your spouse. Things were much simpler then. But you know, I'm trying to convince myself that if we're really committed to make things good again, I'll have to learn to trust him completely. If I'm wrong, I guess I'll know eventually.

I get that, and hope you're right. I was just wondering if he's working on breaking down the belief that his success and worth is tied to you (or any woman) having an orgasm during sex, and replacing it with a healthier one (like, 'I'm successful and fulfilled as long as she's enjoyed herself.'). I'd bet that will give you better results long term, and will take away the desire to get affirmation elsewhere if that was truly the reason he did this in the first place. If you can possibly do it, invest in at least a few sessions with a therapist to get on the right track (many have sliding scale fees). But if that's not an option, do some research on Cognitive Behavior Therapy...there are some great resources online that can give you an idea of how to change those negative beliefs.

 

[Eilan]

Like I said, he's not in favor of me being here, but I've explained to him that getting advice here is my alternative to the $120/hr rate of local sex therapists that we obviously cant afford right now.

I think you've gotten some good advice here. However, don't try to use Lit as a substitute for professional help if you think it's warranted.

Good luck.

 

[sexyjenn]

Hi Sexyjenn,

Ironically, yes, it was your reply that helped me discover what my husband was doing. He had erased all of his messages and yours came in after I obtained his login and password. I know this has been weird for you as well, but if I didn't see your reply, this would have continued for I don't know how long behind my back. Now, even dahard1 says it was a blessing in disguise, because now that all (which I hope) has been discovered, he feels relieved to be done with his hiding.

~unfaithful~

Well I'm sorry that I had to be the one to bring it out for you, but I guess that is me, a blessing in disguise.

please do keep us all informed if you finally find a solution to your big O during intercourse. I still think if you could get comfortable doggystyle and play with your clit while he fucks you it may work, give it a try I'm sure he will enjoy it

jenn

 

['Ol Tex]

Hey Ol Tex,

No worries, an apology won't be necessary. Although I was slightly taken aback by your suspicion, I am not surprised. I admit that my method of confronting problems are not conventional. I am a strong believer that although you don't control what life throws at you, you can still turn things around in your favor depending on how you approach it.

My first instinct when I discovered this was of course the natural rage. I'm a small woman but I have no doubt I could have picked him up and thrown him down the stairs. I kicked him out that night and I spent the next 2 days investigating what he had been up to. Although he was very quick to erase everything in his Lit folders, there was one that slipped (ironically it was a reply to his invitation from sexyjenn, believe it or not). That's how I discovered he was exposing himself on the webcam on top of sex chatting.

I understand what you said about people living 2 lives. My husband was nothing like what he described himself in his profiles. I was angry because I wasn't sure if the real him was the one I married or the pervert masturbating in the webcam. I did think he was a pervert at first, but I discovered he was an exhibitionist - I am beginning to accept and accomodate that. It was very easy to hate him had I taken that route, but when I saw his shame and despair, I realized the problem was deeper than it appeared. I didn't realize the extent of how not giving me an orgasm destroyed him. Here, similar to you, he found women who were eager to demonstrate how much they lust after his body and hearing/seeing them type that they orgasm watching him made him feel better than I ever could. Yes, my heart bleeds just typing that, but it was true.

My husband is very sincere with his apology and would very much like to move on. He's vowed never to return here because the memory of how hurt I looked that night gave him a wake up call. He's even turned down my offer to have a 3some cybersex twice. Like I said, he's not in favor of me being here, but I've explained to him that getting advice here is my alternative to the $120/hr rate of local sex therapists that we obviously cant afford right now. We're trying to spice things up a little, but in the back of my head, I still wonder what would happen if its just my luck that I remain inorgasmic and if my husband can accept that without feeling like a failure again.

Your trials and tribulations over all this has more twists and turns than an Alfred Hitchcock movie! But if the lines of communication are OPEN between the two of you then that is a positive. Communication in a marriage is very important. Without it one partner or the other may brood or sulk and turn to avenues like this, (or worse). This is not a slam on lit board. No, this site is good and some people make good friends here. It's just that THIS should not come as a substitute for intimacy in one's life. Like your husband, I came here for understanding (or trying to) of how women think, their views and opinions etc. I don't think I could do the web-cam thingy though. The volume of women screaming enmasse would blow, (pardon the pun), every server this board has LOLOL !! Best of luck to y'all.

 

[unfaithful2005]

An update

Things have certainly been better since the last time I posted. My husband is amazed (and pleased) at my new sex drive and he's been more open about his fantasies. He wants to explore exhibitionism more by going to nude beaches and communal spas. I figured I might as well join him rather than have him do this behind my back. So far, he's been faithful with his promise to not resume sex cyberchat from what I can tell. Hopefully all this will soon just be a memory. Thanks to everyone who offered their support an advise.

 

[silverwhisper]

that's great to hear!

ed