Hey I'm new here and I was wondering if anyone could lend some advice. I'm a 20 yr old male and in college. I dated this girl I was in love with for about 3 years, she broke up with me and broke my heart. Now, I consider myself a pretty good looking guy, but ever since then (almost a year) I have had real low self esteem and I'm scared to approach girls b/c of the fear of rejection, I cant even approach them even when I know they are interested in me. Its like, I dont know how to pickup girls anymore. If anyone could lend me some advice so I can get back in the swing of things... Thanks!
Serious Question...
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MartinConteggio
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I recommend building up with girls you have no interest in. There is the old Job Interviewing trick to go interview at some place you don't really care if you get the job for or not, just to get yourself comfortable with the scene and vibe. Do it a couple of times untill you're ready and then go for the real thing.
First approach and flirt with a few girls you really aren't interested in, and then when you find a grove go for the bombshells.
First approach and flirt with a few girls you really aren't interested in, and then when you find a grove go for the bombshells.
peachykeen
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BirdsWife said:And who cares that by flirting with girls you aren't interested in you may give them mixed signals and lower their own self-esteem when they find out you were just using them.
Spot on, BW.
Whatever you do kls, do not follow that advice. Unless of course you just don't care that not only will the girls you dissed think that you are a huge gaping giant asshole, they will tell all their friends as well.
MartinConteggio
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BirdsWife said:And who cares that by flirting with girls you aren't interested in you may give them mixed signals and lower their own self-esteem when they find out you were just using them.
Hmm, this is quite similar to a reaction I got that is sitting 5 feet from me
I suppose I should rethink this, or at least emphasize that flirting is all that should be engaged in with the lesser choices? I do not advocate using anyone, just friendly socializing. Everyone likes to flirt! And be flirted with. The attention alone is a huge boon for many. This method helped me once under similar circumstances, and I don't think I hurt anyone.
I'm trying to convey that it is in the interests of the original poster to get used to riding the waves of sexual tension, not that this should be done at any cost.
Does that clear it up?
Am I less evil now? 
I honestly don't mean to encourage anything other than the best. It's hard for guys to get this sort of advice, and it's (obviously, for me at least) even harder for us guys to give it. Please let me know if you feel this is still insufficient.ain't no pickup line ever gonna work if you don't have confidence in yourself. Learning how to pick someone up is just a bandaid.. the wound is your self-confidence, and it has to be healed before you can ever REALLY get on with things.
Start taking a class that interests you. Get into sports, join a book club, start following your interests. These things will not only be things you enjoy, but they'll fill time, and be a place to meet others as well.
Start taking a class that interests you. Get into sports, join a book club, start following your interests. These things will not only be things you enjoy, but they'll fill time, and be a place to meet others as well.
Bobmi357
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Fear of Rejection. Its a terrible blow to your ego. But like the lottery commercial says, "You gotta be in it, to win it!".
Growing up as a geeky nerd, president of the High School Ham Radio club etc, I was terrified of being rejected. So terrified in fact that the TWO whole times I actually asked a girl out, I was sweating bullets. It didn't help matters that one accepted, then left me standing in front of the Movie theater for hours wondering if she'd ever show up. Nor did it help that the other just laughed in my face. That described my sole social contact with women during my high school years. It so screwed me up I didn't try dating again until after I had graduated from college. Then I made the classic mistake of marrying the first girl I slept with. MISTAKE. BIG MISTAKE.
12yrs later, I learned a valuable lesson, one which profoundly altered my life for the better. My marriage was winding down, I had had enough, I had moved out and was planning on visiting a girl I had never met, living 2800 miles away in a city I've never been to before. I knew this gal from online, we where very close. More than friends. As I sat in my new apartment I pondered things, I thought about what I wanted and wondered why live had dealt me such a shitty hand. Slowly it dawned on me, Life doesn't deal you a shitty hand, Life hands you a deck of cards and expects you to deal your own hand! I thought about what a wreck I had made of my life, and about that girl so far away. And I made a decision at that point. I was going to stop going with the flow and start working to control the flow.
I don't know how I can explain this, but in that first meeting with my current wife, it wasn't the old nerdy afraid of girls Bob that I presented to her. It was a take charge Bob. A NEW Bob. I've never been as forward and assertive as that before in my life. Sure, it was our first meeting, I was nervous, she was nervous, but in retrospect I think I plunged through both our nervousnesses, to bring us both out the other side. Sometimes I think we'd still be back there in her computer room watching her overfeed her fish if I hadn't stopped her by turning her around and kissing her as passionately as I could. Hehehe I won't even mention how I started undressing her right there.
The moral of this kls, is a simple one.
If you want something, you have to go out and get it. Develop some callouses over that ego of yours, its going to get dumped on from time to time. But if you don't try, if you lay back and let life deal the cards, you'll be in my shoes in 10-12 years wondering what the hell happened to your life.
Find something your interested in, sports, computers, books etc... see if there are any organizations in your area for that interest and see what kind of girls turn out for the meetings. A common interest is a much better conversational opener than walking up to a girl and saying "Hey baby, those are great boobies you have, are they real?".
Another thing I want you to do. Picture in your mind your IDEAL woman. Got that picture firmly planted? Good. Now tear it up. She doesn't exist. If you enter the dating scene with an ideal in mind, you are going to find faults and flaws in everyone, and no one will match your ideal. Learn that people have limitations, faults and flaws, just like you do. That skinny girl over in the corner reading a book and looking lonely? Talk to her, you might be surprised to find out that she's as uncomfortable in the dating scene as you are. The chubby gal at the coffee table? She may not be your ideal woman (or maybe she is), but she's a warm loving person that probably has oodles of love to give to the man that can see she's really a beautiful woman.
The point is the world contains 1% beauty queens and 99% real women. Given a choice, I'll take a real woman any day of the week.
Growing up as a geeky nerd, president of the High School Ham Radio club etc, I was terrified of being rejected. So terrified in fact that the TWO whole times I actually asked a girl out, I was sweating bullets. It didn't help matters that one accepted, then left me standing in front of the Movie theater for hours wondering if she'd ever show up. Nor did it help that the other just laughed in my face. That described my sole social contact with women during my high school years. It so screwed me up I didn't try dating again until after I had graduated from college. Then I made the classic mistake of marrying the first girl I slept with. MISTAKE. BIG MISTAKE.
12yrs later, I learned a valuable lesson, one which profoundly altered my life for the better. My marriage was winding down, I had had enough, I had moved out and was planning on visiting a girl I had never met, living 2800 miles away in a city I've never been to before. I knew this gal from online, we where very close. More than friends. As I sat in my new apartment I pondered things, I thought about what I wanted and wondered why live had dealt me such a shitty hand. Slowly it dawned on me, Life doesn't deal you a shitty hand, Life hands you a deck of cards and expects you to deal your own hand! I thought about what a wreck I had made of my life, and about that girl so far away. And I made a decision at that point. I was going to stop going with the flow and start working to control the flow.
I don't know how I can explain this, but in that first meeting with my current wife, it wasn't the old nerdy afraid of girls Bob that I presented to her. It was a take charge Bob. A NEW Bob. I've never been as forward and assertive as that before in my life. Sure, it was our first meeting, I was nervous, she was nervous, but in retrospect I think I plunged through both our nervousnesses, to bring us both out the other side. Sometimes I think we'd still be back there in her computer room watching her overfeed her fish if I hadn't stopped her by turning her around and kissing her as passionately as I could. Hehehe I won't even mention how I started undressing her right there.
The moral of this kls, is a simple one.
If you want something, you have to go out and get it. Develop some callouses over that ego of yours, its going to get dumped on from time to time. But if you don't try, if you lay back and let life deal the cards, you'll be in my shoes in 10-12 years wondering what the hell happened to your life.
Find something your interested in, sports, computers, books etc... see if there are any organizations in your area for that interest and see what kind of girls turn out for the meetings. A common interest is a much better conversational opener than walking up to a girl and saying "Hey baby, those are great boobies you have, are they real?".
Another thing I want you to do. Picture in your mind your IDEAL woman. Got that picture firmly planted? Good. Now tear it up. She doesn't exist. If you enter the dating scene with an ideal in mind, you are going to find faults and flaws in everyone, and no one will match your ideal. Learn that people have limitations, faults and flaws, just like you do. That skinny girl over in the corner reading a book and looking lonely? Talk to her, you might be surprised to find out that she's as uncomfortable in the dating scene as you are. The chubby gal at the coffee table? She may not be your ideal woman (or maybe she is), but she's a warm loving person that probably has oodles of love to give to the man that can see she's really a beautiful woman.
The point is the world contains 1% beauty queens and 99% real women. Given a choice, I'll take a real woman any day of the week.
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Sounds Familiar
This sounds so familiar to me.
I have actually never made the first move with a girl - never had the confidence to do it. All the girls I have dated, not that there have many, have made the first move with me. So I have never actually 'chatted up' a girl. I wouldn't even know if a girl was interested in me! How sad is that!
So girls, how do I know?????
Guess I will have to learn how to talk to people I don't know. Could be interesting.
So here I sit, feeling like I am on the scrapheap after a being dumped by a long term partner who means everything to me still despite the agro we are going through, trying to take stock of my future while thinking about what has slipped by. It has been an awful kick to the confidence and self respect. But, at the end of the day there are other aspects of my life that need me to be focused and not full of self pity. Even though that is exactly how I sound!
This is the only advice I can give, which was given to me by one of my closest friends. Do the day to day things like going to work, brushing your teeth or whatever, and everything else will just kind of sort itself out in time.
Stressing about how to chat people up is counter-productive I think. Easier said than done I know.
It has already been said, but get out and socialise. The only way to meet people, whether you are looking to find a date or not - is to be among them.
So, read this - then switch the PC off and go meet some people.
Good luck.
This sounds so familiar to me.
I have actually never made the first move with a girl - never had the confidence to do it. All the girls I have dated, not that there have many, have made the first move with me. So I have never actually 'chatted up' a girl. I wouldn't even know if a girl was interested in me! How sad is that!
So girls, how do I know?????
Guess I will have to learn how to talk to people I don't know. Could be interesting.
So here I sit, feeling like I am on the scrapheap after a being dumped by a long term partner who means everything to me still despite the agro we are going through, trying to take stock of my future while thinking about what has slipped by. It has been an awful kick to the confidence and self respect. But, at the end of the day there are other aspects of my life that need me to be focused and not full of self pity. Even though that is exactly how I sound!
This is the only advice I can give, which was given to me by one of my closest friends. Do the day to day things like going to work, brushing your teeth or whatever, and everything else will just kind of sort itself out in time.
Stressing about how to chat people up is counter-productive I think. Easier said than done I know.
It has already been said, but get out and socialise. The only way to meet people, whether you are looking to find a date or not - is to be among them.
So, read this - then switch the PC off and go meet some people.
Good luck.
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