Self Esteem

[bisexplicit]

Okay, so this may be the stupidest question ever asked, but...

How do you develop self esteem, really?

 

[sufisaint]

more than anything look into your own feelings/thoughts and what are their basis?

 

[bisexplicit]

more than anything look into your own feelings/thoughts and what are their basis?

Perhaps the question isn't worded correctly...

How do you change your way of thinking to be more positive?

 

[pupper]

Bi,My wife say's surround yourself with positive people.She struggle's with the same problem.She thinks this way because she was beaten down as a child.I have been with here 17 years and I have done evrything to build her up, but those feelings still come rushing in, no matter how much love and affection I give her.

 

[Lynxie]

Perhaps the question isn't worded correctly...

How do you change your way of thinking to be more positive?

I've got to be the world's biggest pessimist... but taking medication seems to help a bit.

 

[Guest]

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Perhaps the question isn't worded correctly...

How do you change your way of thinking to be more positive?

Setting small goals that are easily accomplished might boost you up, and then try to stay in that mindset. Stay focused on what is good in your life.

 

[midwestyankee]

Okay, so this may be the stupidest question ever asked, but...

How do you develop self esteem, really?

Self esteem comes from recognizing your own accomplishments and accepting that they have value. What people do to get themselves to that place may differ a great deal, but the end point is always the same.

First comes the accomplishment and then comes the self-esteem. It doesn't work in reverse -- with one exception. You can will yourself to take a positive outlook on life on a day-to-day basis even when you have lots of reasons to feel lousy.

 

[Munachi]

well I would think it has to do with taking control of your life... doing the things you want to do and realizing that you can do them...

 

[EJFan]

there's a lot of really interesting insight here... i'm going to read it several times over for my own reference.

the only thing i can think of to add is that part of good self-esteem is acceptance. taking the time to accept ourselves and others for what we/they are goes a long way to thinking of things in a postive way.

like most have said, either directly or indirectly, it has to come from inside yourself for the most part. no one and no thing can make you feel better about yourself. i like the goal-setting idea a lot... if you keep track of things you want to accomplish and check them off as you do so, you'll have a great visual aide to see how well you do things. it's not a complete fix but a great idea.

 

[zartol]

Positive Visualization... this works. Think it. Visualize it... and you can make it so. Also, being honest with yourself, I mean is it half full or half empty? Do you know yourself and accert your changes... Look for the positive/up-side to things. It's very easy to be negative. You are what you say you are.

 

[AppleBiter]

Okay, so this may be the stupidest question ever asked, but...

How do you develop self esteem, really?

Ah, the 50 million dollar question. If I ever figure out the answer, bi, you'll be the first to know.

 

[silverwhisper]

it's like the old song says, bi: accentuate the positive.

you're fun, funny, bright, clever, sweet and quite pretty. those are all indisputably a part of who you are. start there, b/c what you're really talking about is how do you view yourself. there's a real danger in setting your self-worth by other people: it's called co-dependence and it ain't healthy.

it all starts with you, bi. be confident, and if you can't, fake it until you can.

JMHO, sis.

ed

 

[phoenix1224]

Remember the old SNL skit?

Just look into the mirror and say, "I'm good enough! I'm smart enough! And, gosh darn it, people like me!"




Seriously, I used to have low self esteem too, and the way that I gained self esteem was by using the old "fake it 'til you make it" method.

Just "act" with confidence: Shoulders back, head held high, make eye contact, smile, walk into a room as if you own it... Eventually, as each new person reacts to you positively, you'll get a nice little ego boost... So, that "act" will, in time, become reality.

 

[SlyKitten]

For every negative thought I have, I force myself to find a positive one (I'm short... hey, look at that, I have a great big smile!) "Fake it till you make it" worked too, when I finally found the guts to actually fake it!

And accept compliments. I don't know if you are like I used to be (and still am sometimes) I had a feeling the compliments I received weren't genuine for some reason. It took some work but I learned to accept and appreciate them.

 

[pervert_harmless]

i still do the fake it part, not that anyone ever notices. but i was told to try this.
relax close your eyes, picture yourself leaving your body, turn around and look at yourself how someone else would like a partner a loved one, even a friend, and just picture what they would see.
they love you for a reason just try to see yourself from their eyes.

 

[Guest]

 

[Ricwilly]

Taking a look at what I'm really like, not as others might say I'm like or as I sometimes see myself when I'm in a self pitying mode but as I'm really really like.
Accepting that and then deciding what I would change to be the person I want to be. Start taking steps in that direction however haltingly, realizing I'm human and will make mistakes.
Accept the results.
Accepting others as they are, when I can let them be human it helps me to accept my defects also.
Also basically stop playin the old tapes in my head and act like I'm worthwhile.
I have found I can't think my way into right living or feeling, I got to act my way into it.

 

[Cathleen]

For me self-esteem comes from outside of me. We aren't born with any 'esteem' actually. We are taught it. Our mom's might say 'Good job, you color very well.' We hear from a teacher, 'You have very nice manners, you are considerate.' Our dad may say, 'You played well in the game, you have good skills.'

Self-esteem begins outside of me. As I grew my self-esteem didn't, it deminished. It was a factor of my up-bringing and that I internalized the negative environment in my home. By the time I was in my mid to late twenties I was sort of flat line on the self-esteem line. If I said anything to myself it generally was negative... I was awful, terrible, lazy, dumb, etc. I had a raft of crap I'd say to myself. Even though I was educated, accomplished, a workaholic and bright - I didn't see it. I also measured myself on an impossible scale - a nonexistent scale really.

For me the change began with friends. People I cared for and loved would tell me I did a good job on that or you sure can this... they were complimenting me and pointing out parts of my personality that they enjoyed or thought was good. For years it was difficult to accept a compliment but finally I said to myself, 'These are people I love and trust' why wouldn't I believe them?' I started thinking that maybe they were right about this or that...

The result of that was I started to look at my behavior, what it was that they thought was good, and see it for myself. I remember agreeing with one friend for the first time and it felt so good. It was like a weight came off me. What I learned was to look at myself with the same caring eye I looked at those people I trusted. It took (and takes) work. At first it wasn't natural but with practice it does become comfortable.

We all have talents, positive traits and goodness, when I became nicer to myself I realized some of mine good stuff. So for me self-esteem was born outside of me and now can come from within too. Sometimes it is good to close our eyes and allow other's eyes to really see us. Pick people you trust.

So, bisex... although we don't know each other well and others have said the same already... I hope you will trust me when I say... you have a nice way about you, you sparkle in my opinion. I've seen some of your posts here and elsewhere and to me you are bright and energetic. You can be funny and carefree, I think that is tremendous.

 

[pamlady63]

Surround your self with people who will praise you and lift you up. Do not associate with those who will bring you down.

 

[trout, kilgore]

I don't think there's a magic bullet - if you find one let me know.

The best thing I've done for myself is give myself permission to suck at something I love to do.

For the longest time my low self esteem would keep me from doing what I love (in this case writing) because I hate everything I do. But recently I decided that just because I'll never be Shakespere or Vonnegut doesn't mean I shouldn't do it.

So I've started doing it - and it's helped my self esteem....because writing makes me feel good.

Long story short: I still hate myself and everything I do, but not as much as before I decided to do stuff I enjoy despite my self loathing.

 

[bisexplicit]

First of all: Thank you so much for all the compliments, everyone. This wasn't supposed to be compliment fishing - but I'm flattered, nonetheless.

Secondly: Thank you for the good advice. I mostly knew it all - but its good to hear it reiterated and its good to know that others are struggling with the same things. Mostly this was written in a moment of frustration, and I was sortof hoping for some miracle cure. (Anyone have some "happy pills" to sell me? )

Third: trout, kilgore -- I Breakfast of Champions and Slaughterhouse Five.

Fourth: scalywag -- Its nice to hear that I don't come off as a big downer. I could list for about an hour the reasons why I don't think highly of myself, but thats not the best thing to do anyway, so, yeah.

Fifth: Who wants to make a support group? I call president!

 

[Pyro Paul]

okay, time for the dark realistic thing that every one does.

In order to Raise yourself esteem surround yourself with complete idiots that you know your better than.

i dont follow this rule persay, but i am bound by it by working at a fast food joint... knowing that your better than some one (and no you odnt have to say it or pick on them about it.) makes you feel better about yourself a little.

other than that, you have theropy and sleep suggestion (that stupid recording saying, you are happy, you are a great person 500 times over while you sleep)

 

[Quoll]

Hmm, I would call secretary but don't think I'm up to the task.
As well as everything else that has been said, one thing I have started to do, and it is difficult but does help is to try and leave out the emotion and deal with just the facts. eg: several people liked what I did so no matter how I feel about it there must be something good in it.
I tend to be hypercritical of myself and the things I do, but I am learning ( like trout, kilgore ) to do some of the stuff anyway, better to produce crap than nothing at all.

Slykitten. short people are soooooo hot

Cate, fabulous post, and accepting compliments is a hard one for me, but the facts are, if someone felt I was worth the compliment then I will learn to accept it.

Bi, I 'm beginning to realise that those nasty little voices have even lower self esteem than I do, I think they just want to drag me down to their level, but they are a nasty crowd and I don't want to play with them.

 

[Eilan]

In order to Raise yourself esteem surround yourself with complete idiots that you know your better than.

Speak for yourself. With very few exceptions, my friends/acquaintances are at least my intellectual equals (if not superiors).

Bi, I've tended to adopt silverwhisper's fake-it-until-you-make-it approach myself. My self-esteem tends to be particularly tied up in my body image (as opposed to other aspects of who I am).