Seeking Understanding About Finding Another

[Bengal52]

As the title implies, I am looking for advice about finding my partner. I have begun a search for a submissive female. The problem lies in the amount of Dom searching seems to outnumber the number of subs. My hope is to find a sub who can meet me upon a true level.

To this end, I seek advice about where I should be searching. I do often look upon the BDSM personals but there seems to be an exorbent number of doms and the perverts who lack a true understanding of what a D/s relationship can be are too prevalent. Any help people here can offer would be greatly appreciated.

 

[the captians wench]

To be honest with you, it's been my experience that there are always more doms, posers, perverts, and assholes out there than there are subs to be had. Best aproach is to conntact the sub, as since subs are the ones in high demand they are not as likely to go seeking you.

There are a few other sites, collarme, alt and even extremerestraints now has a personal's section (buy cuffs then look for some one to put them on *giggles*).

A few tips that I've noticed, one line notes tend to be dismissed. Be honest about who you are, what you want, what you need, what the deal breakers are, and what you are looking for. Unless she drifts that way, try to stay away from deep sexual questions (honestly do 'nilla's' set up a date by finding out if they like the same posission? seems to me like most dom's I've talked to go straight to the play time questions with in 2 mins or 2 messages. wtf? ).

Most importantly, be patient. These things take time, simple fact.

 

[Homburg]

Unless she drifts that way, try to stay away from deep sexual questions (honestly do 'nilla's' set up a date by finding out if they like the same posission? seems to me like most dom's I've talked to go straight to the play time questions with in 2 mins or 2 messages. wtf? )..

Depends. If I'm looking for a sub, I'll ask personality and compatibility questions. If I'm looking for a bottom, it's all about play compatibility.

To the OP, keep your eyes open. If you can't find some ready-made submissive, you might recognise that spark in a nilla girl. It's more a matter of compatibility and awareness than anything, and the more work you put into it, the more you get out. Put yourself out on sites like wenchie suggested and be active on their boards. The more people that know who you are, the greater the chance that one will become interested enough to contact you.

And seek out local munch groups. It helps sometimes. Again, it's all about getting your name out there.

 

[Bengal52]

The issue I currently seem to have is a lack of funding. Many of the sites you have listed I have seen fees in order to meet someone. I also lack another person to assist in my area to introduce me to the local area.

Where might I find somewhere to link up with Munches?

 

[the captians wench]

The issue I currently seem to have is a lack of funding. Many of the sites you have listed I have seen fees in order to meet someone. I also lack another person to assist in my area to introduce me to the local area.

Where might I find somewhere to link up with Munches?

I know there's a thread around here that has all the links...unfortunitly it's on my favorites list on the lappy that thinks it's not getting power. But google is your friend. Google "munch yourcity yourstate" and see what comes up.

Hommy- If they aproach saying that they are just looking for play, then yes, I'll either be cool with being asked, or I'll just pass them by. Honestly I don't mind the questions myself, but just because I answer them doesn't mean that I'm interested in doing them with you. What drives me mental tho are the guys that put on their bio that they want a long term relationship with a sub they can have and hold for ever and ever and ever, and the second question out of thier mouth is "so what kind of vibrators do you use?" Give me a fucking break.

ETA: Collarme is free....free=more assholes to compete with. But I understand you're delima. Personally I don't see the since in paying for the opertunity to talk to some one. Google, google, google. There are lots of forums out there, they are a great place to meet people as well. Not to mention making yourself known here can be benifical

 

[Homburg]

CollarMe is free of charge, and most of the other sites will let you access the basic features free.

Insofar as munch groups go, do some googling and you should find something. Evil_Geoff posted some links to a clearinghouse site with various groups nationwide. You may well find a yahoo group for your area if you search their site as well.

 

[Homburg]

Hommy- If they aproach saying that they are just looking for play, then yes, I'll either be cool with being asked, or I'll just pass them by. Honestly I don't mind the questions myself, but just because I answer them doesn't mean that I'm interested in doing them with you. What drives me mental tho are the guys that put on their bio that they want a long term relationship with a sub they can have and hold for ever and ever and ever, and the second question out of thier mouth is "so what kind of vibrators do you use?" Give me a fucking break.

Yup yup. Seen the posts on the ASSHAT thread saying just that. My own ads are pretty blatant. You've seen them here. "Nope, not interested in a realtionship. Yup, really am just looking for someone to tie up. Nope, not kidding. Thanks for reading"

Apparently honesty works magic, but only on ladies that are too far away to actually meet me for some ropework =P

 

[Daddyslilpet]

There is also the personals section here at Lit.

 

[Yang4yin]

Where might I find somewhere to link up with Munches?

There's no guarantee that all the information is current, but you can get a start here:

http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/ - A good starting point.

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgsA.html - Alphabetical listings by state.

http://www.bedroombondage.com/bondageu/links/index.html

http://www.fetishscene.com/fetishscene/cgi/main.cgi

 

[madetotakeit]

They're out there

Yes, real subs are on the sites. Mostly we are inundated with the teenage boys (both in actual and mental age.) I recommend to keep trying. Don't expect it to be overnight by any means. I had my account on Collarme (now closed) for a very long time before I met anyone that made it past a few emails. Yes the first conversations should be about interests. That is a big part of what you are seeking after all. After that tasty bit is out of the way, find out if you are compatible.

From experience (Yes, it's newbie experience; but it's mine to claim.) what caught my attention was the ability to hold a conversation. The more I learned, the more intrigued I became. The more intrigued I became, the more I felt comfortable stepping into the real world. As I have enthused in previous posts, I think one of the best decisions I have made.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

To find local Munches, email groups, and events in your area, try:

SceneUSA - http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html

Caryl's Page - http://www.drkdesyre.com/

The BDSM Events Page - http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/ which has links to both organizations AND events.

Hope that helps!

 

[Bengal52]

Thank you all for the links. I guess I live in a bad area... so far I've only found one possible link in all that. I hope others can use the links here to their benefit as well.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't think there are more Doms than subs.

I think there are more Dom ads with few if any replies than sub ads.

I think there are many more subs in the world than Doms.

But that's just my impression of the way things are. I could be totally wrong. It's unlikely but I could be.

Anyway, my advice to you would be two fold. One write a personal that shows you are not just another HNG or poser Dom but a real quality person who happens to be a Dom looking for a real quality person who happens to be a sub.

Secondly participate in any real discussion threads at the sites you have ads on so that people get to know YOU better. Not just the game, flirt, fluffy shit but the real meaty stuff.

On and DO NOT say you are looking for a LTR and then go post in the fuck buddies looking for other fuck buddies threads and shit like that which would completely make you look like you are blowing air up our skirts. Lot's of Doms looking pull that sort of thing.

Good luck!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I think there are many more subs in the world than Doms.

But that's just my impression of the way things are. I could be totally wrong. It's unlikely but I could be.

My impression as well. My impression of the heterosexual/pansexual scene tends to group people in the following broad classes (from largest group to smallest group):

submissive women
submissive men
switchy men
switchy women
dominant men
dominant women

The total numbers go up some when you add in the gay and lesbian communities but the ratios don't change that much. The number of submissive men jumps to the number one spot when you add the gay leather/BDSM community into the mix, while the number of dominant women goes up it's not enough to keep them out of the smallest number of participants in the scene.

Ratios are a matter of debate. I wish I could site some credible sources but my information is anecdotal. I've heard the sub to Dom ratio run anywhere from 5 to 1 to as much as 10 to 1.

But online we see a ratio of something approaching 1 to 1. On that basis alone, you can write off a minimum of 80% of the people claiming to be Dominants to as many as 95% of them. HNG's, trolls, posers, predators, what have you's. Just understand that a lot of people claiming to be "submissives", are, in fact, pushy bottoms or fetishists looking to find someone to act out the part of _their_ fantasy scenes. Not submissives at all, they are "do me" bottoms.

Caveat emptor.

*yawns and shakes his head* Don't get me started... *LOL*

 

[FurryFury]

*Think how I'd love to get him started*

 

[Bengal52]

*doesn't care as long as he gets to watch for free.... its his thread afterall. *

 

[FurryFury]

Ain't nothing free in this life and if someone tells you it is? Well, it's not worth what you paid for it.

 

[velvet_crush]

i met my guy on collar me. i posted on alt.com too but that seemed to bring way more people who just wanted to f*ck.

i did state i was looking for a long term relationship. to be honest, i never in a zillion years thought i'd meet anyone but i thought it was worth a try.

i talked to a lot of guys first. dated several - all were pretty sincere in their quest to have a D/s relationship.

try going on collarme and doing a search... see who's in your area & then decide if it's worth your time.

 

[Primalex]

I do often look upon the BDSM personals but there seems to be an exorbent number of doms and the perverts who lack a true understanding of what a D/s relationship can be are too prevalent.

If this is the case, what I don't really believe, why is this a problem for you? Unless you think the Subs here are all stupid and will just take the very first guy that PMs them...

The only unpleasant thing that might happen is that you write a lengthy response and then receive the "inbox is full" message. This is annoying, but also no problem. I got a PM from the girl the next day, excusing her full inbox and asking me if I would resend my message. So.. if the girl is interested in reading what you wrote, you will get a chance.

And last but not least: Do you really would want a girl that just takes you because nobody else is around? *shudders*

 

[Primalex]

Just understand that a lot of people claiming to be "submissives", are, in fact, pushy bottoms or fetishists looking to find someone to act out the part of _their_ fantasy scenes. Not submissives at all, they are "do me" bottoms.

I've just fallen in love with you. And I thought I'm the only one who thinks so.

 

[littleone77]

Sometimes the best things come to you when you aren't even looking for them.

At least that was what happened in my case.


Please do not one day settle on someone merely because you are tired of looking or have lost patience. Do not settle until you have what you truly want in a partner.

 

[FurryFury]

And yet, do not make your list of must haves impossible for any human being to fill. I think a LOT of people tend to do that.

 

[littleone77]

And yet, do not make your list of must haves impossible for any human being to fill. I think a LOT of people tend to do that.

There has to be a balance. Some expect a paint by number to come to life and others settle for what the cat dragged in merely because there is nothing better at that time.

Humans need to fill that void of lonliness and sometimes self destruct to accomplish that.


Goodness we sound like a bunch of match makers, lol.

*Btw, I was once in the cat-dragged-in category. I was tired of looking and of false hopes so I picked one. Not the best one of the bunch at all and it took me way too long to see my error. I grew as a person but I lost a bit of Me in the process.*

 

[FurryFury]

LOL! We sure do.

I also know people who stay alone and sad for life.

 

[littleone77]

LOL! We sure do.

I also know people who stay alone and sad for life.

ROFL

There are the whiners, the go getters, the timid ones and those who are too afraid or insecure about themselves to get what they truly want.

Sometimes I swear being a cat would be easier than a human on most days.