seeking feedback as well

[entitled]

This is honestly the first story i've ever finished and would like some help improving. i know i need it. Anybody?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=77308

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, I don't know who you see as your audience for this. Some hardcore masochists, I guess. Technically it's fine as far as it goes.

I should point out, though, that the possessive form of "it" is "its", without an apostrophe. "Its" takes an apostrophe only when it's a contraction of "it is".

I don't think I'll be spoiling the story if I tell people that it involves the female narrator's account of being taken by demons in a various very painful and inhuman ways. For me, a little of this goes a very long way, and after 3 or 4 paragraphs I had gotten the point and didn't care to read any more of it. Sexual torture just doesn't have any appeal for me whatsoever, not even as fantasy, and I would like to think that there aren't many people out there who would find this kind of thing arousing at all.

I wonder too if the way your narrator describes her experiences are consistent with this being a letter to her daughter. The narrator's feelings about what happened to her are not at all clear and certainly not very strong. While the things she's subjected to are really horrible, she seems very blase about it all. I don't even recall that she mentions the pain she must have felt at the time. Then why is she telling her daughter about it? To warn her? To reminisce? To frighten her?

As I say, technically there's very few problems with this. I just wish you'd used your talents on something a little more humane.

---dr.M.

 

[hiddenself]

Very unusual

And very well-written. It did not do much for me -- maybe I don't have the "non-human" inclination in my fantasy world. But it was an intriguing little story. I'd say keep writing. I'm sure you'll come up with something that will draw me in more.
hs

 

[skyewriter]

Well written

Though I can honestly say that I don't really like non-human stories, this one WAS well written...and interesting. I tend towards things like incest (another, different kind of taboo)...and only consensual and loving, but this story was very interesting. Keep writing, and, though some people may not enjoy your specific "area", others will...

Keep writing!

 

[Guest]

edited by GP because it was supposed to be a new thread.....sorry

 

[entitled]

So if this were a little different and more along the more 'normal' lines of thinking, it would have been really good? Excepting the 'its'/'it's' confusion, of course. What can i say? It's been a few years since graduation.

The next one that's getting ready for submission is much more romantic in nature and involved consenting people so will probably go over a little better. Thanks for the feedback.