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~ Marriage Advice From Kids ~
(as answered by elementary school students)


HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8



WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9



WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
 
Funny as usual bama. I thought I'd share one I got in an email yesterday.

Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you
die.........This
is just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer service
being what it is....

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February
and
March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had
been
$0.00...
now was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to
CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January.

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still
apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
her
to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank: "excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor
gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: "... (stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) (After they get the fax)

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Can you say DUH??????
 
These are actual true facts



In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the


animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is

punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is

prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also

applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and

deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time...

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.


(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous

husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical

fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*


In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one

exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in

places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

(In my next life I want to be a pig)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Still not over that pig thing)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight

and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this

research??)

*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


After reading all these, all I can say is.......


Damn those Pigs.
 
OMGGGGGGGGG ROFLMFAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

that has GOT to be the best laugh I've had in a very long time!
and DAMN that pig! lol
 
babydoll2u said:
OMGGGGGGGGG ROFLMFAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

that has GOT to be the best laugh I've had in a very long time!
and DAMN that pig! lol
Click to expand...

I am thinking maybe being a pig isn't such a bad thing ;)
 
I think I posted this one long ago when Vay had to rescue me from a sneaky snake who loved nursing homes lol ,but I thought it was worth posting again

Subject: Little green snakes can be dangerous



If you always thought those little green garden snakes were O.K., read
on:

Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.


A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.


About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt.

He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten square city block area.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.
 
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