Seeking Advice

[kanseinai]

Seeking Advice (Clarified)

I've said before that I'm submissive, but there's also a huge part of me that's a Domme (due to my personality and the relationships I've been in). Lately I've been dating this guy I've known for years who, until Wednesday, knew nothing about the BDSM lifestyle -- absolutely nothing. And now he knows because I made some off-hand comment about it, and he's interested in learning more. He started off looking at it as just kink/fetish play (with him as the "Dom", but not in a true BDSM sense; more how "the man has all the power and the woman must receive" kind of view), until I explained to him that it's more than that, it's about control and discipline and trust.

I don't like being Dominant, so I would love it if he were to take control and be Dominant. But the thing is, he's more of a submissive than he is a Dominant and whenever I'm with him, I end up taking control of where we go and what we do -- even if it's just making out in the backseat of the car, I'm always in control of the situation and he does nothing to try to take that control back. I'm starting to prefer this, at least with him, but I've never intentionally explored my Domme side before.

After we talked about it for a bit and I explained my concerns over the control issue, he's willing to try as my sub. I want this to be a good experience for him, and I know I can train him to be a good sub, but how? Dom/mes, do you have any advice?

(Hopefully more clear now? I'm sorry I didn't explain myself well enough before.)

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I've said before that I'm submissive, but there's also a huge part of me that's a Domme (due to my personality and the relationships I've been in). Lately I've been dating this guy I've known for years who, until Wednesday, knew nothing about the BDSM lifestyle -- absolutely nothing. And now he knows because I made some off-hand comment about it, and he's interested in learning more -- from a Dominant point of view.

I don't like being Dominant, so I would love it if he were to take control and be Dominant. But the thing is, he's more of a submissive than he is a Dominant and whenever I'm with him, I end up taking control of where we go and what we do -- even if it's just making out in the backseat of the car, I'm always in control of the situation and he does nothing to try to take that control back. I'm starting to prefer this, at least with him, but I've never intentionally explored my Domme side before.

I know I can train him to be a good sub, but how? Dom/mes, do you have any advice?

Wait I'm confused. He wants to learn more about being a Dominant, but you're trying to make him into a submissive because that's what you think he should do?

Could you clarify what, exactly, your goal is?

 

[OnceFuturePoly]

Have you considered topping from the bottom?

Get him trained doing dominate like things, which will he study both because he's interested and because you tell him to.

Then concentrate on the difference from dominating on his own initiative vs following your directions.

Start him producing scripts (outlines) for scenes so you can relax and let it happen. That will keep him moving so you don't have to step out of real time.

Feed him a bunch of variations, maybe a pack of index cards he can shuffle to script a scene. Give him homework to think up his own variations to add to the deck.

Or do they make BDSM Dice like Sex Dice, where he could roll when his imagination gives out?

Finally, tell him you'll switch every now and let him take a turn on the bottom, as a reward?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I've said before that I'm submissive, but there's also a huge part of me that's a Domme (due to my personality and the relationships I've been in). Lately I've been dating this guy I've known for years who, until Wednesday, knew nothing about the BDSM lifestyle -- absolutely nothing. And now he knows because I made some off-hand comment about it, and he's interested in learning more -- from a Dominant point of view.

I don't like being Dominant, so I would love it if he were to take control and be Dominant. But the thing is, he's more of a submissive than he is a Dominant and whenever I'm with him, I end up taking control of where we go and what we do -- even if it's just making out in the backseat of the car, I'm always in control of the situation and he does nothing to try to take that control back. I'm starting to prefer this, at least with him, but I've never intentionally explored my Domme side before.

I know I can train him to be a good sub, but how? Dom/mes, do you have any advice?

Wait I'm confused. He wants to learn more about being a Dominant, but you're trying to make him into a submissive because that's what you think he should do?

Could you clarify what, exactly, your goal is?

I can fully understand BBE's confusion (which is exactly why I didn't respond to this thread when it first appeared): You're not terribly clear about his wishes and yours, and how they intersect and how they might not. The first bolded portion above can be read two different ways:
(1) He's interested in learning (how to be a submissive) *from* a Dominant.
(2) He's interested in learning how a Dominant views the D/s life, for whatever reason - that he thinks he should be dominant, or how he should behave with a Dominant *as a submissive*, or ... whatever.

As I said, clarity is very lacking in this statement.

As for the second bolded statement, that's an interpretation that could well be open to question. He apparently has acted in a manner that gives you that impression; however, it could simply be that he's been in a female-dominated environment most of his life and taught to defer to women, even though his own deep wishes could be very different, which would account for the first suggested interpretation of (2) above.

Could you clarify these issues, please, so that we can be more helpful in responding to your question?

 

[Netzach]

I'm making assumptions here, but I think I see something in what's being said.

I think you are dominant. I think he's probably submissive, but doesn't feel OK with being seen that way - probably because men are supposed to be dominant. Very few people - period - actually are, so if you are, you tend to question a lot about those desires. Are they real? Are you being selfish? What gives you the right, blah blah.

When you're female and dominant you kind of have to cycle through all these excuses why you're not dominant, the way young lesbians/bisexuals have to cycle through all these reasons why their attraction to the same sex is "just admiration" or something to be written off, until it comes shining across your consciousness as a big neon "DUHHHH!" later in life.

Not that I know.

Ok, so here's the thing, maybe you like the idea of having stuff done to you, you like the idea of not having to be in the driver's seat, or getting rammed really hard in the back seat of a car because he can't contain himself, so you might think of that as "submission" - but if you were submissive, I think you'd have trouble getting off on giving as many directions as you have, you'd be more turned off by the relationship you're having, you'd have a vacuum of ideas when it's time to decide where to go, rather than ever warming up to the dynamic.

Wanting sensation, and wanting not to have to make 100 percent of the decisions does not a submissive or even a switch make.

Tell him how to do it to you. Tell him how to sit still and let you do it to him. Talk about whatever you want and see if he's on board. Sounds like he's kind of malleable, flexible, and into your idea of fun. What's wrong with that?

There's no cardboard cutout "good sub" - figure out what you want from him, expect it, ask for it, demand it if you're both into that, and help refine what you get with feedback in your chosen style of giving that feedback to him.

 

[Stella_Omega]

What Netz says is always worth listening to.

For further opinion and information, read the link in my sig-- see if it helps.

 

[Netzach]

As for the second bolded statement, that's an interpretation that could well be open to question. He apparently has acted in a manner that gives you that impression; however, it could simply be that he's been in a female-dominated environment most of his life and taught to defer to women, even though his own deep wishes could be very different, which would account for the first suggested interpretation of (2) above.

Seriously?

The percentage of "female dominated" men versus the percentage of men who are made to feel that submissive desires are unmanly wrong-ass freak desires is minute.

 

[Loverskitten]

Seriously?

The percentage of "female dominated" men versus the percentage of men who are made to feel that submissive desires are unmanly wrong-ass freak desires is minute.

Oh yes!
I am constantly contacted by secretly submissive men, looking to be dominated, via my vanilla dating profile. Only once has a guy sent me a message wanting to top me. And I would say I come off as a bottom/pet but people have said "there's something about you"

As far as the OP, I get what she's saying. She'd rather be topped in the bedroom because she's dominant in nature/real life, it gets old. I KNOW!
However her BF guy desires to be topped and she still wants to play but is unsure how to carry this out. I can also relate. I find many submissive guys to already have scenes in their heads and have a tendency to be the "do me" type. Which is too much work IMO. Or maybe I've just been lucky (see my dating thread, lol)

On that note, think what you would like out of this, and tell him. I love a flinching man, nipple play especially. I also love foot rubs, massages, teasing (always been a tease) get creative and get what you want, order it!

 

[Stella_Omega]

<threadjack>

And I would say I come off as a bottom/pet but people have said "there's something about you"

I think it's your lipstick </threadjack>

 

[Loverskitten]

<threadjack> I think it's your lipstick </threadjack>

I do wear Domme Red, or today it's Top Pink

 

[Loverskitten]

Top pink lips say kiss my kitty boots!

(also new pink ears, squeeee, wait I mean RAWR)

 

[kanseinai]

Thanks, Netzach and Loverskitten, for your advice.

I guess I should identify as a switch, as it depends on the relationship I'm in. I've never gotten off on the whole idea of controlling someone else, instead really preferring to be submissive, so the fact that I am excited about this is different for me, haha.

I guess my issues now are mostly dealing with the differences in our size (I'm about 5'1" and he's twice as big as me), and convincing him that anal play does not make him gay (-_-#)But for now we'll go with it, I suppose.

 

[Netzach]

Thanks, Netzach and Loverskitten, for your advice.

I guess I should identify as a switch, as it depends on the relationship I'm in. I've never gotten off on the whole idea of controlling someone else, instead really preferring to be submissive, so the fact that I am excited about this is different for me, haha.

I guess my issues now are mostly dealing with the differences in our size (I'm about 5'1" and he's twice as big as me), and convincing him that anal play does not make him gay (-_-#)But for now we'll go with it, I suppose.

Two words that have put a LOT of fun into my life.

Horsey. Rides.

 

[OnceFuturePoly]

I guess my issues now are mostly dealing with the differences in our size (I'm about 5'1" and he's twice as big as me), and convincing him that anal play does not make him gay (-_-#)But for now we'll go with it, I suppose.

Have my opinion, Want yours before I share. The subject is does anal play make men gay?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Have my opinion, Want yours before I share. The subject is does anal play make men gay?

Does anal play make women into gay men?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Does anal play make women into gay men?

Can you just imagine how awkward that would be? There you are, minding your own business with a little innocent anal play and then BAM. PENIS OUT OF NO WHERE! Attached to you, I mean. Not in one's anus. It's not very polite to do that to someone. Although I suppose it wouldn't really be "polite" of a penis to suddenly become part of your anatomy, either....

 

[Stella_Omega]

Can you just imagine how awkward that would be? There you are, minding your own business with a little innocent anal play and then BAM. PENIS OUT OF NO WHERE! Attached to you, I mean. Not in one's anus. It's not very polite to do that to someone. Although I suppose it wouldn't really be "polite" of a penis to suddenly become part of your anatomy, either....

penisis don't show up when you invite them politely. Nor even when you FUCKING INSIST.

Oh well...

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, Netzach and Loverskitten, for your advice.

I guess I should identify as a switch, as it depends on the relationship I'm in. I've never gotten off on the whole idea of controlling someone else, instead really preferring to be submissive, so the fact that I am excited about this is different for me, haha.

I guess my issues now are mostly dealing with the differences in our size (I'm about 5'1" and he's twice as big as me), and convincing him that anal play does not make him gay (-_-#)But for now we'll go with it, I suppose.

Ok, I get it now.

When I played, this was me for a long time. For the most part, submissive men just turned me right the hell off and inspired a warm, fuzzy feeling of contempt in the pit of my stomach. I just...did not like them.

Then I found one I actually liked. It was totally by accident. Like you, I felt excited about it for the first time ever because this guy was not your normal "submissive male." And I didn't really know what the hell to do about it, either. I just kinda went with it, and it worked out fine. I still talk to this guy occasionally, but I haven't seen him in quite some time. (Hmm...I should do something about that.)

Um, I had a point, and now I've forgotten it. Shit. I'm sorry.