Seeking A Little Advice... Again!

[Mac98]

To those who are unfamiliar with my situation, you can go check my "Seeking A Little Advice" thread. I have more than a crush on my best friend's girlfriend. I don't plan on separating the two and don't intend on trying to get her to fall for me. I accept defeat, as they say. I just want to let her know how I feel about her, get it off my chest.

However, I just received a letter from a certain college telling me I've been accepted. I'll be moving to the neighboring province, about a 12-hour drive away, next week (since school starts in September). This being the case, my plans have gone from "Do I tell her I have feelings for her or not?" to "How do I go about telling her I have feelings for her?". I've decided to tell her, since I'm leaving soon and probably won't be seeing neither of them (her or my friend) for a long time.

So I want to know... how do I go about letting her know? Is there a place and time? This is really the first time I'm in this situation, so I'm somewhat uncertain about how to do it.

Also, I'd like to know how I can make it the least awkward possible...

keep in mind, i don't expect her to tell me she has feelings for me too. I know she doesn't, we're just good friends...

 

[watch_me]

don't tell her it'd crush your friend if she told him what you did

 

[KarennaC]

I haven't read your other thread; I'll track it down after I write this and then edit this post if I need to (because I haven't had enough coffee yet to think logically and track down your other thread before I write this...)

What's your motivation for telling her how you feel? If you aren't expecting her to tell you she feels the same way, why tell her? You say you want to get it off your chest, but if that's the case you could just write a letter directed at her, lay it all out, and then hide the letter someplace where neither of them would find it. No one gets hurt, no one gets embarrassed, you've said your piece and life goes on. Why do you feel the need to tell her to her face? Aside from putting both of you in an awkward situation- I know, I've been there- she might tell her boyfriend what you tell her, which might result in a strong desire on his part to knock your teeth out.

You say you're moving 12 hours away for university. You might not see them for quite some time. So you'd be leaving behind all the fallout from your emotional confession with no possibility of cleaning up the mess.

Truly, I'd advise you not to tell her. Write her a letter and DON'T send it; find a tolerant female friend, pretend she's the object of your desire, and tell her what you want to tell your friend's girlfriend; something along those lines. Something to let those feelings out without actually laying them in her face. If you tell her, you'll run the risk of damaging three relationships: your friendship with her, your friendship with him, and their relationship with each other. And you'll gain nothing. Is that really worth the chance?

Congratulations on your college acceptance, by the way

 

[silverwhisper]

mac, i suggest keeping your feelings to yourself. if she isn't receptive, that will create problems. more importantly, if she is receptive, you'll be 12 hours away and create stress in your friendship. i think you're heading down a path from which there are no good possible results.

ed

 

[Mac98]

I haven't read your other thread; I'll track it down after I write this and then edit this post if I need to (because I haven't had enough coffee yet to think logically and track down your other thread before I write this...)

What's your motivation for telling her how you feel? If you aren't expecting her to tell you she feels the same way, why tell her? You say you want to get it off your chest, but if that's the case you could just write a letter directed at her, lay it all out, and then hide the letter someplace where neither of them would find it. No one gets hurt, no one gets embarrassed, you've said your piece and life goes on. Why do you feel the need to tell her to her face? Aside from putting both of you in an awkward situation- I know, I've been there- she might tell her boyfriend what you tell her, which might result in a strong desire on his part to knock your teeth out.

You say you're moving 12 hours away for university. You might not see them for quite some time. So you'd be leaving behind all the fallout from your emotional confession with no possibility of cleaning up the mess.

Truly, I'd advise you not to tell her. Write her a letter and DON'T send it; find a tolerant female friend, pretend she's the object of your desire, and tell her what you want to tell your friend's girlfriend; something along those lines. Something to let those feelings out without actually laying them in her face. If you tell her, you'll run the risk of damaging three relationships: your friendship with her, your friendship with him, and their relationship with each other. And you'll gain nothing. Is that really worth the chance?

Congratulations on your college acceptance, by the way

I understand where you're coming from, but I MUST say... I know both of them well. I know her well and I know for a fact this won't be the first time she'll be in this situation. She's somewhat considered a "knock out". She's told me herself she's used to having to deal with this kind of situation.

And I know my friend would be understanding. He was in love with her for a whole year before going out with her and I stuck by him the whole way. I sensed she liked him too, so I encouraged him to keep fighting for her which ended up paying off. I think he'd be understanding. After all, I stuck by him when he was in my situation.

And writing a letter won't do anything. I've done something similar before and here I am today, still in the same predicament. I've liked her for too long, known her for too long to just leave it all behind and never say anything. I fear that if I leave, I'll end up letting her know via MSN and I find that way too unclassy.

Listen, I know it sounds weird, but trust me... I know them enough to say that it won't cause much awkwardness. She doesn't have those feelings for me, I've witnessed others tell her, I've seen how she's reacted... I know her life will keep going.

If I were to stay, I would keep my mouth shut because then the tension and awkwardness that would ensue after would be unbarable. But I think I've waited and been patient long enough. If I'm to leave, I feel, for myself, it would be better to let her know. It would bring nothing to anyone but it would lift a huge load off my back that I've been carrying too long.

And thanks for the congrats! I was really happy. Didn't think I'd make it with less than a month to go! Yay!

 

[Mac98]

I should also mention I don't plan on maintaining much of a friendship with them. I'll keep some contact, see how life is going, but I'm turning the page on that chapter of my life...

 

[MisterSir]

This being the case, my plans have gone from "Do I tell her I have feelings for her or not?" to "How do I go about telling her I have feelings for her?". I've decided to tell her, since I'm leaving soon and probably won't be seeing neither of them (her or my friend) for a long time.

Don't do it. You're going to be...like, a few hundred miles away, you're not going to see her much if at all for years, the feelings will fade if you make any sort of effort to separate yourself from her. It does work, I promise.

 

[Mac98]

Don't do it. You're going to be...like, a few hundred miles away, you're not going to see her much if at all for years, the feelings will fade if you make any sort of effort to separate yourself from her. It does work, I promise.

I've cut contact with her (and my friend) for almost or more than a year (for unrelated reasons, but everything's cool now). Nothing changed and I thought about her day in and day out in that year. I thought it would help and I did all I could to forget about her... but to no avail. I get the feeling that if I get this monkey off my back, I'll finally be able to let it go... I think... I hope...

 

[KarennaC]

As people said in your other thread, it's ultimately your choice to make. You did come here asking for advice; you've gotten an overwhelming percentage of advice to *not* tell her, but you're persisting in saying that you have to tell her and in rationalizing your decision to do so. Given that, one wonders why you asked...

And yes, I realize you started this thread to ask *how* to tell her what you've decided to tell her. The fact that even here you're still being advised to keep your mouth shut about it should tell you something.

Ah, youth... they always know more than those of us twice their age.

 

[MisterSir]

I've cut contact with her (and my friend) for almost or more than a year (for unrelated reasons, but everything's cool now).

'Fraid it takes longer than that. To reiterate - there is no good that can realistically come of doing this, so don't do it. With that said:

Ah, youth... they always know more than those of us twice their age.

From what he said in the original thread, I'm a maximum of three years older than the original poster and I'm arguing against it.

 

[Mac98]

As people said in your other thread, it's ultimately your choice to make. You did come here asking for advice; you've gotten an overwhelming percentage of advice to *not* tell her, but you're persisting in saying that you have to tell her and in rationalizing your decision to do so. Given that, one wonders why you asked...

And yes, I realize you started this thread to ask *how* to tell her what you've decided to tell her. The fact that even here you're still being advised to keep your mouth shut about it should tell you something.

Ah, youth... they always know more than those of us twice their age.

Hm, that's true... it just seems illogical (to me) to not say anything if I'm leaving anyways. I don't want to look back in years from now and wish I had said something.

And a lot of the people who advised me to stay quiet failed to see that the friendship is over one way or another, that I know her enough to say she can handle it... but I guess in the end you're right and I'll just have to deal with it.

But in my mind, from the start, I was going to let her know before I left (which is in 5 days! )... only I didn't expect to be leaving so early, I thought I still had a few years ahead of me. I just wanted to know if it was better to get it out of the way or if I should just not say anything for now or ever...

But again, I guess you're right. I'm better off just leaving and keeping it to myself. I sure as hell hope you guys are right on this one... I hope I'm not kicking myself in a few years...

Thanks again, everyone. Appreciate the help.

 

[KarennaC]

Mac, hun, take it from one who's been there. If you leave without saying anything now... If you're meant to say something, you'll have another opportunity. If something's meant to happen, it happens. But you're trying to force it into being meant to happen, and that rarely works out well for anyone.

Since you're just going off to college, I'm assuming you're fairly young. 18-19? (Apologies if I'm wrong.) Right now, you're focused on this girl because she's the one you've had feelings for for so long. But you're going away to college; you'll meet so many people, and you never know, your true "the One" could be sitting in the student union one day when you walk by.

My point is, I don't think it's at all likely that you'll regret not saying anything to this girl five or ten years down the road; I think it's much more likely that you'll meet someone else who'll take your attention and who will not be in a relationship and will return the feelings you have for her. Five or ten years down the road, the girl you've posted about here will most likely be just a fond memory, and you'll be sitting there with the love of your life thinking, "Thank goodness I didn't tell that other girl how I felt."

As I said, take it from one who's been there.

 

[Mac98]

As I said, take it from one who's been there.

I will, haha. Thanks a lot... it's still confusing and hard, but if you say so, I'll trust your impartial, experienced judgement before trusting my own...

 

[KarennaC]

'Fraid it takes longer than that. To reiterate - there is no good that can realistically come of doing this, so don't do it. With that said:



From what he said in the original thread, I'm a maximum of three years older than the original poster and I'm arguing against it.

No offense was intended, MisterSir... It was a generalization I shouldn't have made. There are certainly young people who make wise choices and probably have more common sense than I do, just as there are some older people who make unwise choices. Apologies.

 

[Cathleen]

Why are you so intent on telling her? We've all had major crushes and kept them to ourselves...because it's the right thing to do. What gives you the right to mess with someone's relationship? Put yourself in your friend's shoes for a few minutes...think about it, honestly.

As I said in your other thread, I think it's selfish. You're only thinking of you, your feelings, you wants...what about her feelings, what about your best friend's feelings? Are you acting like a best friend?


I wish you all the success as you go on to another stage of life.

 

[Cathleen]

dupppppp

 

[Cathleen]

I understand where you're coming from, but I MUST say... I know both of them well. I know her well and I know for a fact this won't be the first time she'll be in this situation. She's somewhat considered a "knock out". She's told me herself she's used to having to deal with this kind of situation.

And I know my friend would be understanding. He was in love with her for a whole year before going out with her and I stuck by him the whole way. I sensed she liked him too, so I encouraged him to keep fighting for her which ended up paying off. I think he'd be understanding. After all, I stuck by him when he was in my situation.

And writing a letter won't do anything. I've done something similar before and here I am today, still in the same predicament. I've liked her for too long, known her for too long to just leave it all behind and never say anything. I fear that if I leave, I'll end up letting her know via MSN and I find that way too unclassy.

Listen, I know it sounds weird, but trust me... I know them enough to say that it won't cause much awkwardness. She doesn't have those feelings for me, I've witnessed others tell her, I've seen how she's reacted... I know her life will keep going.

If I were to stay, I would keep my mouth shut because then the tension and awkwardness that would ensue after would be unbarable. But I think I've waited and been patient long enough. If I'm to leave, I feel, for myself, it would be better to let her know. It would bring nothing to anyone but it would lift a huge load off my back that I've been carrying too long.

And thanks for the congrats! I was really happy. Didn't think I'd make it with less than a month to go! Yay!

That is just the screwiest thing I've heard in a long time, mac. What situation? And you helped get them together -- mac, pack now and get out of dodge. They don't deserve what you are hellbent on imposing upon them. Respect them AND yourself, leave them alone.

Plus you have NO way of knowing how either will react. NONE. Not even close friends. Why you think you are behaving as a friend is making my brain spin.

 

[bobsgirl]

... snip...

If I were to stay, I would keep my mouth shut because then the tension and awkwardness that would ensue after would be unbarable. But I think I've waited and been patient long enough. If I'm to leave, I feel, for myself, it would be better to let her know. It would bring nothing to anyone but it would lift a huge load off my back that I've been carrying too long. ... snip ...

You want to lift a huge load off your back by dumping it on theirs?

I think you're not being totally honest about your motives for wanting to do this. True friends don't cause trouble in each other's relationships. Keep it to yourself, because the fact is, you really don't know how either of them will react. You're going to put all three of you in a very awkward situation, and possibly worse.

Just do the right thing, move on, and start fresh in your new location.

Good luck, because you seem hell bent on doing this, and you're gonna need it.

 

[silverwhisper]

since bg is way too nice and non-confrontational a person, let me put it simply.

mac, your reasons for doing this are selfish and frankly immature. you've been carrying a "burden" (newsflash: real love isn't a "burden", it's an honor) that you want to "unload". in your other thread, i said to you that there are no good results that will arise from this. since i don't know if you read it, i will recap here:

1. if she isn't receptive, you've pissed off him and alienated her, and will thereby lose their friendship.
2. if she is receptive, you've done the same b/c even if she's receptive, she isn't gonna dump him for you: inertia is the second most powerful force in the universe.

i don't know you. all i know about you is what you've said in this thread and its predecessor. but i really have to question just what friendship means to you if you're willing to risk two friendships over this "burden".

ed

 

[bobsgirl]

since bg is way too nice and non-confrontational a person, let me put it simply.

mac, your reasons for doing this are selfish and frankly immature. you've been carrying a "burden" (newsflash: real love isn't a "burden", it's an honor) that you want to "unload". in your other thread, i said to you that there are no good results that will arise from this. since i don't know if you read it, i will recap here:

1. if she isn't receptive, you've pissed off him and alienated her, and will thereby lose their friendship.
2. if she is receptive, you've done the same b/c even if she's receptive, she isn't gonna dump him for you: inertia is the second most powerful force in the universe.

i don't know you. all i know about you is what you've said in this thread and its predecessor. but i really have to question just what friendship means to you if you're willing to risk two friendships over this "burden".

ed

I am?

I mean, oh yeah, I am.

 

[Quoll]

Like everyone else here, I think, what I'm seeing is that despite what you are saying, there is a huge subtext in big red flashing letters underlying your words, you want to tell her because you want to know if you have a chance with her.
I know that's not what you said, but that is what nearly every post is saying between the lines.
Try reading your posts as if you were someone else, it's there.
It's also the only logical reason (ok there could be others, but that's wandering into Days of our Lives territory) for telling her. If you do tell her now you'll fuck things up between the three of you for good most likely.
If you wait and get another chance in the future when no one is getting screwed over (I know bad pun, but what can you do ) then who knows what could develop.

[Obi-Wan] Search your feelings {insert name here}... [/Obi-Wan].

Good luck at college and good luck with this as well.

 

[Mac98]

Thanks for the advice, and although I can understand why you'd think I'd say this for a subconscious hope she'd leave him for me, the case isn't it at all. I can't lie, I'd be thrilled if she did, but I'm a reasonably logical guy (although some of you may question that statement, I usually am) and I've accepted that I'll never be with her.

And SW, perhaps burden was the wrong word, but I fail to see how unrequited love is an honor... maybe I'm too inexperienced or young in this domain, but I'd make it go away if I could.

Finally, I understand too how my motives may seem selfish... and they very well may be. Truth is, as mean, harsh and unjustified as it may sound, I don't care. I won't go into the history of my friendship with them, because not only is it somewhat irrelevant, unimportant and not of anyone else's business but my own, but... how shall I put this... I've been so understanding and present for both of them in their lives that the least they could do (well, at least HIM), is understand.

If I were to do it (which I won't, I think I've gotten the point), I wouldn't just dump it on her and leave, letting her deal with it. In a litteral sense, maybe, but I would actually sit down and talk things through. I'd let her know my intentions aren't to create any awkwardness or whatnot with her and her boyfriend, that I understood that she didn't have those feelings for me and that I was simply letting her know how I've felt.

Now, however, I see how that may be a bad idea. I have to be honest with myself and admit that I wish I could say something, get it over with. I feel I deserve yet I'm conscious of the repercussions and consequences of my actions on them.

So it's all good. I won't say anything, though I do plan on cutting contact with them once I move (which is tomorrow!!! ). I hope to turn the page in the book that is my life. Yes, I concede that there are other fish in the sea, that life goes on and that I'm still quite young and have much to learn. So to conclude. I'm not telling her nor anyone else, but I am cutting contact with both of them for good or until life brings me back to them...

Thanks for all the help and thank you for the support.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Thanks for the advice, and although I can understand why you'd think I'd say this for a subconscious hope she'd leave him for me, the case isn't it at all. I can't lie, I'd be thrilled if she did, but I'm a reasonably logical guy (although some of you may question that statement, I usually am) and I've accepted that I'll never be with her.

And SW, perhaps burden was the wrong word, but I fail to see how unrequited love is an honor... maybe I'm too inexperienced or young in this domain, but I'd make it go away if I could.

Finally, I understand too how my motives may seem selfish... and they very well may be. Truth is, as mean, harsh and unjustified as it may sound, I don't care. I won't go into the history of my friendship with them, because not only is it somewhat irrelevant, unimportant and not of anyone else's business but my own, but... how shall I put this... I've been so understanding and present for both of them in their lives that the least they could do (well, at least HIM), is understand.

If I were to do it (which I won't, I think I've gotten the point), I wouldn't just dump it on her and leave, letting her deal with it. In a litteral sense, maybe, but I would actually sit down and talk things through. I'd let her know my intentions aren't to create any awkwardness or whatnot with her and her boyfriend, that I understood that she didn't have those feelings for me and that I was simply letting her know how I've felt.

Now, however, I see how that may be a bad idea. I have to be honest with myself and admit that I wish I could say something, get it over with. I feel I deserve yet I'm conscious of the repercussions and consequences of my actions on them.

So it's all good. I won't say anything, though I do plan on cutting contact with them once I move (which is tomorrow!!! ). I hope to turn the page in the book that is my life. Yes, I concede that there are other fish in the sea, that life goes on and that I'm still quite young and have much to learn. So to conclude. I'm not telling her nor anyone else, but I am cutting contact with both of them for good or until life brings me back to them...

Thanks for all the help and thank you for the support.

I think you've made the right decision. Best of luck with the move and with starting a new page.

 

[silverwhisper]

mac, i have an idea. when you've been on campus for a few months, take another look at this thread again and see how you feel about it. :>

ed

 

[bobsgirl]

I think Ed has a good idea, mac. You're doing the right thing. All the best as You begin the next chapter of your life.