San Antonio area Litizens check in, please

[El_Elegante]

Well, I'd certainly enjoy an opportunity to get to lknow you all.

 

[txshygal04]

hello there

just saying hi to all the fellow san antonioian's, just found this thread, hope y'all all doing well...

 

[gldflcn]

welcome

welcome to the two newest members...
glad you could join...

 

[Marblehead]

Hello,..Hello!

..been on the "Lit" reading side for awhile,
just now ventured onto the forum,..a former Californian, was invited out here for Niosa and ended up staying for the laid-back atmosphere of San Antonio. (Actually, the beautiful ladies of S.A., in all their glory: ages, shapes, & size, were a big influence in my relocation. Ha-ha!),..hope to be more active in the coming days, as well as, looking forward to making and meeting you all.

Later,..Marblehead.

 

[foxymophandlema]

hello everyone in the alamo city

 

[dalliance]

Hola

Welcome from a fellow transplant...you all should come down to corpus sometime...sand, surf, sky, and sun...a wonderful place to be literotic and otherwise....

 

[gldflcn]

hello foxy

Good afternoon foxy...welcome to the San Antonio board..

 

[weekender]

Hey I had no idea we had our own thread....now we have stepped up to big time....cool

 

[TheCrypt Keeper]

Hello

Greetings all...I am also sitting in SA right now. And yes I am military. Been here 1 year, 2 more years to go.

How/where is everyone?

 

[TexDude]

Checking in!

Helllo San Antonio!

I just stumbled across this thread trying to find like-minded friends in San Antonio.

A little bit about me... I'm 39 yo, swm, ddf, 6'2" , 220 lbs and very easy going. I like meeting new people and hopefully making new friends. Mature women really turn me on (not that I turn down younger women... ), but I've always had a thing for mature women especially Horny Mature Women.

I'm also curious/interested in playing with couples. Another fantasy of mine, among many!

I look forward to meeting y'all.

 

[niteshade]

Re: Checking in!

Helllo San Antonio!

I just stumbled across this thread trying to find like-minded friends in San Antonio.

A little bit about me... I'm 39 yo, swm, ddf, 6'2" , 220 lbs and very easy going. I like meeting new people and hopefully making new friends. Mature women really turn me on (not that I turn down younger women... ), but I've always had a thing for mature women especially Horny Mature Women.

I'm also curious/interested in playing with couples. Another fantasy of mine, among many!

I look forward to meeting y'all.

Welcome to Lit, and good luck finding what you are looking for. I hope you enjoy the site.


As for everyone else... HEY EVERYBODY! Long time no talk. We really need to liven this thread up a bit

 

[dalliance]

Welcome!

Welcome to Literotica and the like-minded. I'm sure you'll like it here. I know that I do!

*Waving to the rest of you!*

 

[dalliance]

Welcome!

Welcome to Literotica and the like-minded. I'm sure you'll like it here. I know that I do!

*Waving to the rest of you!*

 

[Marblehead]

Here's a LAUGH..(No offense intended!)

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Athletic...............................No tits
Average looking..................Ugly
Beautiful.............................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure..............On medication
Feminist..............................Fat
Free spirit...........................Junkie
Friendship first....................Former slut
Fun.....................................Annoying
New-Age.............................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned......................No BJs
Open-minded......................Desperate
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..........................Sloppy drunk
Professional........................Bitch
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat
Large frame........................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate.................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

=======================================================

 

[dalliance]

More!

That's too funny.

What do you think these mean: (when spoken by a woman)

Would you like to come in?

I've got some coffee. Would you like some?

I go through a lot of double A batteries.

Oh, him? We're just friends.

I'm a huge football fan.

 

[Marblehead]

Where are all the local ladys?

C'mon, let's make this thread more
interesting and more livelier...

SA has already been labeled the
"Big" city, it doesn't have to be
boring too!

Geeks & Freaks,..Ladys & Gentlemen,
by all mean, do come out and play.

Ladies...check out my ATTACHMENT.
As you all can see, I'm trying to
put on more weights..not less.

Any helpful lady..care to hop on?
Ha-ha!

 

[Marblehead]

Sorry Ladies..

Here's the ATTACHMENT!
Ha-ha!

 

[Marblehead]

Looks Like I'm The Only One Here..

But still going..

Got Computer Problem? Ha-ha!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User
(Reply below)
______________________________________

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

 

[BlueDaisy]

Well, looks like we've got some new folks here. Welcome to you newbies. And hello again to the SA thread regulars (or semi regulars).

I've had some big changes in my life lately, but I hope I'm back on Lit to stay now.

Niteshade, hon....smooches! How have you been, gal?

Take care, my SA Litizen friends. Hugs to all of you.

 

[niteshade]

Hey there Daisy darlin. Give me a buzz on yahoo, girl, so we can catch up.

 

[BlueDaisy]

Hey there Daisy darlin. Give me a buzz on yahoo, girl, so we can catch up.

Ok, hon. I'll buzz you when I see you online. You do the same for me.

Hugs...

 

[Marblehead]

MISTAKES MEN MAKE...WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

This ought to breathe some lives back into this thread. Got this “FYI” from another site. Thought it was very funny and yet very educational at the same time. Girls & Guys,..Let’s hear it. Do you agree or not? I, myself, have been found guilty of some of these offenses.

*NOT KISSING FIRST
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your birthday cake. That hurts.

NOT SHAVING
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

SQUEEZING HER BREASTS
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth

BITING HER NIPPLES
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a toy isn't.

TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that agressive, just ask her to take the d*mn things off.

LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

ATTACKING THE CLITORIS
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

STOPPING FOR A BREAK
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

UNDRESSING PREMATURELY
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons

TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

GOING TOO FAST
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

GOING TOO HARD
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

COMING TOO SOON
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES
For her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. Being drunk is not an excuse.

SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

GIVING LOVE BITES
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you

SQUASHING HER
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

TALKING DIRTY
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

THANKING HER
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

*the original author is unknown but obviously wrote this in the hope that men everywhere would take note!
-----

 

[BlueDaisy]

Very informative! Thanks for sharing it with us. Considering sending it to my husband, but since we're separated and he's not likely to need that info as far as I'm concerned anymore, I guess I won't bother. *grin*

 

[niteshade]

ok, that was funny. LOL. thanks.

 

[alphawolf718]

hi all im not in san ant.yet but i will be in june moving there from ct...and would love to meet new friends