Safe words...

[witcha]

Ok..I generally understand the rule why and how to use safe words..

or at least I thought I understood it till yesterday.

I met up with a possible Dom (22 yrs older than me) and yes being stupid me I went to his flat(complicated....can elaborate on it later if it's necessary).

Due to some past experiences I'm mostly looking for Daddy Dom..He was not my ideal partner,but still gave it an honest try. We went through checklist..Told him what my hard limits were and so on

Everything's fine and all till he starts going for my anus, which is one of my rather hard limits for the time being.So I used this mild warning..no effect...so after few minutes told him to stop..nothing happened either..repeated it 3 maybe 4 times without him even acknowleding that.

So after we were done with this all I asked him whether he didn't hear me when I used my safe word and he said he did,but I wasn't persistant enough,so he thought I was teasing him..

Ok,,,question...did I miss sth here?? If that's not how safe words work what should I have done then??


witcha

 

[bunny bondage]

no, actually, that's not how safewords work at all. they are meant to immediatly stop all play RIGHT NOW. what he did was not only disrespectful, but rape, and i hope you don't go see him again.

 

[dolf]

no, actually, that's not how safewords work at all. they are meant to immediatly stop all play RIGHT NOW. what he did was not only disrespectful, but rape, and i hope you don't go see him again.

what she said.
{{{witcha}}} xx

 

[witcha]

Not going to see him again,but wouldn't go as far as to call it a rape...



witcha

 

[dolf]

Not going to see him again,but wouldn't go as far as to call it a rape...

it's up to you how you label it hon but it's still wrong.
you deserve to have your limits respected.
xx

 

[LunarKitten]

Ok..I generally understand the rule why and how to use safe words..

or at least I thought I understood it till yesterday.

I met up with a possible Dom (22 yrs older than me) and yes being stupid me I went to his flat(complicated....can elaborate on it later if it's necessary).

Due to some past experiences I'm mostly looking for Daddy Dom..He was not my ideal partner,but still gave it an honest try. We went through checklist..Told him what my hard limits were and so on

Everything's fine and all till he starts going for my anus, which is one of my rather hard limits for the time being.So I used this mild warning..no effect...so after few minutes told him to stop..nothing happened either..repeated it 3 maybe 4 times without him even acknowleding that.

So after we were done with this all I asked him whether he didn't hear me when I used my safe word and he said he did,but I wasn't persistant enough,so he thought I was teasing him..

Ok,,,question...did I miss sth here?? If that's not how safe words work what should I have done then??


witcha

Plain and simple...he wasn't a Dominant, he was an ass. Safewords are never used teasingly. And if he didn't stop when you used it, it is assault.

 

[LunarKitten]

no, actually, that's not how safewords work at all. they are meant to immediatly stop all play RIGHT NOW. what he did was not only disrespectful, but rape, and i hope you don't go see him again.

And report him to the authorities so it doesn't happen to another submissive out there by him.

 

[witcha]

As much as I'd want to do that..I don't think I'll be able....hate to have any contact with the police..besides Poland is a very prude country...I'd be totally screwed at school..call me a coward..but won't report him

witcha

 

[dolf]

As much as I'd want to do that..I don't think I'll be able....hate to have any contact with the police..besides Poland is a very prude country...I'd be totally screwed at school..call me a coward..but won't report him

witcha

very understandable hon.
just because morally an action is utterly wrong is doesn't mean that legally there can be any justice.
what matters now is that you look after yourself. maybe take some time out to recover, ok?
xx

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[LunarKitten]

As much as I'd want to do that..I don't think I'll be able....hate to have any contact with the police..besides Poland is a very prude country...I'd be totally screwed at school..call me a coward..but won't report him

witcha

*nods* It's understandable, really it is. There is way too much hatred out there for anyone who doesn't follow the normal rules of society. *huggles*

 

[witcha]

((((((((((dolf,CutieMouse,lunasubmissive))))))))) thanx for being supportive....just need some time to accept fact..and really hate the word 'rape'....prefer to think it was a total misunderstanding on both sides...


witcha

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Kajira Callista]

Ok..I generally understand the rule why and how to use safe words..

or at least I thought I understood it till yesterday.

I met up with a possible Dom (22 yrs older than me) and yes being stupid me I went to his flat(complicated....can elaborate on it later if it's necessary).

Due to some past experiences I'm mostly looking for Daddy Dom..He was not my ideal partner,but still gave it an honest try. We went through checklist..Told him what my hard limits were and so on

Everything's fine and all till he starts going for my anus, which is one of my rather hard limits for the time being.So I used this mild warning..no effect...so after few minutes told him to stop..nothing happened either..repeated it 3 maybe 4 times without him even acknowleding that.

So after we were done with this all I asked him whether he didn't hear me when I used my safe word and he said he did,but I wasn't persistant enough,so he thought I was teasing him..

Ok,,,question...did I miss sth here?? If that's not how safe words work what should I have done then??


witcha

Just two questions. What kind of experience have both of you had in this lifestyle? and... Are you traumatized by what happened?

 

[Shadowsdream]

Safe words should be respected immediately...they are not used to tease or to be playful but to alert the Dominant that something is wrong and all activity should stop or go in a different direction...depending upon the safe word that was used.

Many people mouth years of experience and in fact have none at all or so little that their experience is more dangerous than productive.

I am pleased that you have brought this question to U/us for through the answers you will validate what you already knew. you did the correct thing by safe wording...the man is not a good man for you on your submissive journey.

 

[FreeGal]

Witcha: *hugs*

I completely understand your reluctance to report him to anyone. I just hope you can move on from this and not let it adversly affect you. You seem like a very strong person, so harness that strength and know that he was not the norm.

Safe words do, and should always, mean stop, immeditely!

I've been incredibly lucky (I'm always thinking and saying that, but it's true). When FreeBloke and myself first met, neither of us had been in the BDSM lifestyle before - even though we are both over the age of thirty. We just never found anyone before who brought out the Dom and sub in us, respectively. We have learnt together, though, and have been safe, sane and consensual from the very beginning. We're both smart and caring, and although some of the stuff we do might be considered bordering on the extreme or even dangerous, I have never felt in any danger. Trust is the most important thing.

I've only had to use the safe word once (and, oddly enough, that was because he had me tied up and kept making me come - I couldn't physically take it anymore), and he stopped, immediately. When we begin what could be a very heavy session, he always reminds me that I have the safe word, should I need to use it.

I hope you can put this behind you, and move forward, and hopefully find a man who will treat you well. Most men do, the vast majority do, in fact.

FreeGal

 

[Etoile]

I am pleased that you have brought this question to U/us for through the answers you will validate what you already knew. you did the correct thing by safe wording...the man is not a good man for you on your submissive journey.

I agree. I'm so glad that we were able to be a resource for you, witcha. And I am especially glad that you are safe after this encounter.

 

[warrior queen]

(((witcha)))

i'm sorry this happened to you

safe words are exactly that, and need to be respected by both.
even if it's whispered - the instant a safe word is uttered, everything should STOP instantly.

~sigh~ so many 'wannabe's', read a little on the web, and think they're experts.
please be safer next time - you never know what kinda crazies are lurking out there.

glad this time wasn't worse - although personally, i think it was plenty bad enough.

 

[witcha]

Re: Re: Safe words...

Just two questions. What kind of experience have both of you had in this lifestyle? and... Are you traumatized by what happened?

Well I don't have much experience, he however has been into bdsm for 15 yearsas he said..

Wouldn't call it very traumatizing experience..on my scale of bad things it'd be somewhere in the middle....



warrior queen-thanx.... know I shouldn't have gone to his flat and all..I know all the rules...just sort of happened


witcha

 

[MastrJ]

Now I know why as a single Dom I have such a hard time finding a sub if there's assholes like this out there. Too much of what we do could be construed as rape or an assault if viewed by an outsider. Assholes not respecting safe words hurts us all. I'm sorry you had that experience.

 

[dolf]

Now I know why as a single Dom I have such a hard time finding a sub if there's assholes like this out there. Too much of what we do could be construed as rape or an assault if viewed by an outsider. Assholes not respecting safe words hurts us all. I'm sorry you had that experience.

thankyou hon, it helps to hear from a man that this is NOT acceptable behavior.
xx

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[witcha]

Now I know why as a single Dom I have such a hard time finding a sub if there's assholes like this out there. Too much of what we do could be construed as rape or an assault if viewed by an outsider. Assholes not respecting safe words hurts us all. I'm sorry you had that experience.

Thanx...I'm not going to judge his Dom knowledge or anything else..dunno..he might be a perfect Dom for someone else....but my mistake and I learned from it...




witcha

 

[bunny bondage]

I'll second Dolf in that thank you. HEaring things like what Witcha experienced does give me pause in looking for someone IRL to be with. It reminds me how vulnerable I may be as a sub.

and THIS is why i learned to fight. can you say arm-bar? i think girls, subs especially, should have at the very least basic grappling skills.

 

[Etoile]

and THIS is why i learned to fight. can you say arm-bar? i think girls, subs especially, should have at the very least basic grappling skills.

Hmmm. That raises an interesting question in my mind. Would you recommend to lesbian subs, who serve female Mistresses, that they also have the same skills? (I'm not trying to say you're being sexist, because if you say "no" or "not necessarily" then I would agree with you.)