beingbrave
Really Experienced
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Etoile said:
I think all women should have such skills, as much as one would like there are female Mistresses who can also cross the line.
Safe words...
- Thread starter witcha
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I think all women should have such skills, as much as one would like there are female Mistresses who can also cross the line.
bunny bondage
just cruisin' through
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Etoile said:
actually, yeah, i think that's not a bad idea. while it's true that men tend to be more "aggressive" and have more upper body strength, the social exchange theory states that women "possess" the "resource" sex and decide who to give it to. rape is like "stealing" this "resource". so all girls are in danger of having sex "stolen" from them.
edited to add: it has been brought to my attention that i came across like i was blaming this poor girl for not fighting back harder and stopping the situation. i'm sorry! i certainly didn't mean to apply any blame to you, witcha. i just wanted to help you avoid getting into this kind of situation again. i know you're aware that this whole thing was partly your responsibility for going up to his flat upon first meeting, but there's nothing to feel guilty about. it's just, if a man and woman were having vanilla sex, and she said stop, and he didn't, there would be no question as to his blame. i just didn't want you to think that because you were a sub, you didn't deserve to say "no" or "stop" or even wrench an elbow out of socket if things are turning seriously sour. i didn't want to upset you or anything, i guess i'm just pushing you to take precautions against being in this kind of situation again. sorry!!
bunny
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witcha
Playing with fire...
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I know basic self defence...but when I panic or literally slip out of my mind..it doesn't help even one bit....I now know I shouldn't have gone to his flat..shouldn't have started looking for someone..shouldn't have said I was interested..shouldn't have worn that skirt....shouldn't have worn that underwear..I get it...
I was simply asking bout safe words and rules..not whether I was stupid or not..coz I already know I am...
witcha
I was simply asking bout safe words and rules..not whether I was stupid or not..coz I already know I am...
witcha
Sir_Winston54
Assume the position!
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I regret that someone identifying himself in the same way I am often labeled - whichever way you want to say PYL - acted in this way toward you, witcha.
As far as "shouldn't have said I was interested..shouldn't have worn that skirt....shouldn't have worn that underwear" - that's bull. If you wore see-through clothing with no underwear, it is still not an invitation to rape or assault you, or in any other way to treat you in a way that is not acceptable to you, and negotiated by you.
As far as going to his flat - yes, that was an error, but a relatively understandable one.
If - gods and goddesses forbid - anything similar should ever happen again, and you forget your basic physical self-defense training, try always to remember the self-defense tool for which you've never needed training: your voice. It may be that he really thought you were "teasing," though I question that, especially since it was a hard limit previously discussed. However, after you said your safeword (ONCE) and he continued, you should have said, "<Safeword> - and I'll scream at the top of my lungs if you don't stop NOW." A piercing, shrill scream will get through any but the most dense mind... and the threat of it will get through to most.
As far as "shouldn't have said I was interested..shouldn't have worn that skirt....shouldn't have worn that underwear" - that's bull. If you wore see-through clothing with no underwear, it is still not an invitation to rape or assault you, or in any other way to treat you in a way that is not acceptable to you, and negotiated by you.
As far as going to his flat - yes, that was an error, but a relatively understandable one.
If - gods and goddesses forbid - anything similar should ever happen again, and you forget your basic physical self-defense training, try always to remember the self-defense tool for which you've never needed training: your voice. It may be that he really thought you were "teasing," though I question that, especially since it was a hard limit previously discussed. However, after you said your safeword (ONCE) and he continued, you should have said, "<Safeword> - and I'll scream at the top of my lungs if you don't stop NOW." A piercing, shrill scream will get through any but the most dense mind... and the threat of it will get through to most.
Etoile
Mod, 2003-2015
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witcha, you are not stupid. You had a lapse in judgment. That doesn't make you stupid.witcha said:
The comments about "shouldn't have" remind me of the comments people make about "oh, she was asking for it" when women are raped. You may not have been raped, but you were violated. In no way did your skirt, your underwear, going to his flat, or any expression of interest give him the right to violate the trust you had placed in him.
Have a look at this article from the Caribbean Voice. It's about how women are blamed for being raped.
bunny bondage
just cruisin' through
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witcha said:
nonono! witcha, i'm not trying to say it's your fault! you should have worn the skirt, tried to met someone, said you were interested, lived your life! but you should also make yourself better prepared so that if you find yourself in a similar situation that might not be so easy to get out of, you don't get yourself killed! that's all i'm trying to say!!
CrossEyedMary
Virgin
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<delurk> There is a fine but important line between a woman's responsibility for her own safety and a woman being blamed or accepting blame for a crime committed against her. Witcha, perhaps you should not have done one thing or another, but a host of "should not"s does not mean you should have been treated the way you were. Place the blame for the assault where it belongs (on him) and accept only the responsibility for using this experience to learn from. Just a small thought. <relurk>
witcha
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Etoile said:
Very informative article..Thanx Etoile
for it and for support...CrossEyeMary-thanx to you too..and please keep delurking more often...
dolf- as always to help..thanx hon
and Bunny bondage-sorry if I seemed to act in anger with my last post in reply to yours..I know you didn't imply anything like this..but my brain did..sorry and thanx for your input
witcha
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witcha - Safewords are agreed upon for a reason. Limits are discussed for a reason. Some people say that there are hard limits and soft limits and that soft limits are subject to approaching. This is how we all grow and evolve in the lifestyle.
Now, that being said (and before I get attacked). Do not let one bad experience taint your views. Use it as a learning experience. Not all Doms are like that one. All of the Doms (male and female) I have encountered respect safewords. And in a group setting, if a safeword is not respected, then others (involved or not) will check things out and step in if needed.
As for the learning part, next time you meet with someone for the first time, make it a public meeting in a public (or scene friendly) place. I am nto sure how the scene is over in Poland but I am sure that there should be clubs in the larger cities.
If you want to call it rape and file a report with the police, then do so. If you want to call it a misunderstanding and not report it, then do so. The choice is yours. All that we can do is to give advice. But with any advice, keep in mind that it is only advice and that those of us in the USA do not know how things are in other countries.
Good luck to you and take care.
Now, that being said (and before I get attacked). Do not let one bad experience taint your views. Use it as a learning experience. Not all Doms are like that one. All of the Doms (male and female) I have encountered respect safewords. And in a group setting, if a safeword is not respected, then others (involved or not) will check things out and step in if needed.
As for the learning part, next time you meet with someone for the first time, make it a public meeting in a public (or scene friendly) place. I am nto sure how the scene is over in Poland but I am sure that there should be clubs in the larger cities.
If you want to call it rape and file a report with the police, then do so. If you want to call it a misunderstanding and not report it, then do so. The choice is yours. All that we can do is to give advice. But with any advice, keep in mind that it is only advice and that those of us in the USA do not know how things are in other countries.
Good luck to you and take care.
bunny bondage
just cruisin' through
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witcha said:
and Bunny bondage-sorry if I seemed to act in anger with my last post in reply to yours..I know you didn't imply anything like this..but my brain did..sorry and thanx for your input
witcha
no need to apoligize, hon! and sorry if i came on too strong. i bet you can blame my dad who wouldn't let me go to the mall alone till i could beat him in a wrestling match. i just worry and want you to be safer in the future!!
dolf
Ex porn
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thankyou for being brave enough to share this with us witcha...i'm sure that everyone who read it will have thought hard about how many risks they might be taking and you might well have prevented this from happening to someone else.
you're super brave hon and you're a wonderful person. the right Dom will be lucky to have you
xx
you're super brave hon and you're a wonderful person. the right Dom will be lucky to have you
xx
m wisdom
The sun is rising
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dolf said:thankyou for being brave enough to share this with us witcha...i'm sure that everyone who read it will have thought hard about how many risks they might be taking and you might well have prevented this from happening to someone else.
you're super brave hon and you're a wonderful person. the right Dom will be lucky to have you
xx
I'll second that.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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witcha said:Ok..I generally understand the rule why and how to use safe words..
or at least I thought I understood it till yesterday.
I met up with a possible Dom (22 yrs older than me) and yes being stupid me I went to his flat(complicated....can elaborate on it later if it's necessary).
Due to some past experiences I'm mostly looking for Daddy Dom..He was not my ideal partner,but still gave it an honest try. We went through checklist..Told him what my hard limits were and so on
Everything's fine and all till he starts going for my anus, which is one of my rather hard limits for the time being.So I used this mild warning..no effect...so after few minutes told him to stop..nothing happened either..repeated it 3 maybe 4 times without him even acknowleding that.
So after we were done with this all I asked him whether he didn't hear me when I used my safe word and he said he did,but I wasn't persistant enough,so he thought I was teasing him..
Ok,,,question...did I miss sth here?? If that's not how safe words work what should I have done then??
witcha
You should never see that wanna be again, and if you met him through one of your local BDSM Groups, report him.
FreeBloke
Really Experienced
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witcha said:
Witcha,
What happened to you was no misunderstanding. You were most definitely wronged.
The whole idea of the safe word is so that, in (I'll use rape play as an example) you can say "No," "Please stop" or simply "Fuck off you fucking bastard" or anything else for that matter and it's part of the play.
The safe word is something completely alien to the play, that when used suggests that you are in distress, uncomfortable or that you simply want a time-out.
It should be acknowledged and acted on immediately.
This guy raped you. You told him "No" in agreed terms. For him to say you weren't expressive enough is bullshit!
And also sweetheart, for you to go on and describe how it could have possibly been your fault, is, to my mind, displaying typical "victim" behaviour.
Please get it straight in your head Witcha, you were the victim. None of it was your fault. As Etoile quite rightly said, you did display an error of judgement but that in no way lays blame on you. No-one deserves the disrespect he showed you.
The guys a fucking ass and deserves a good kicking in my view.
The most important thing now though is YOU!
Take some time out, lick your wounds and recover, fully.
Then, when your ready, try looking again, for a Dom that will treat you with respect.
If that's what you want, then you deserve it.
Freebloke!
Despina
Really Experienced
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I'm very sorry to hear of your frightening experience, Witcha, but I'm also proud of you. It took a lot of guts to make it public and admit you made a mistake. (I personally suck at that. )
I know many people lurk here, as I did, as novices/beginners and your story is one that will potentially stay in the mind of those that read it. It has the potential to steer others from such a mistake and for that, you should feel good about yourself.
I wish you all the best in recovering, finding your match and enjoying all of your desires with a safe and respectful partner.
Sincerely,
~D
)I know many people lurk here, as I did, as novices/beginners and your story is one that will potentially stay in the mind of those that read it. It has the potential to steer others from such a mistake and for that, you should feel good about yourself.
I wish you all the best in recovering, finding your match and enjoying all of your desires with a safe and respectful partner.
Sincerely,
~D
witcha
Playing with fire...
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FreeBloke-I really understand everything you said..and am fully aware of what I'm doing now..Just hate word 'rape' so prefer to call it a misunderstanding....and huge thanx for support..Pretty surprised guys here are so nice..
Despina-I can only hope that what I said here and what other people have said will help someone else too and huge thanx for support
witcha
Despina-I can only hope that what I said here and what other people have said will help someone else too and huge thanx for support
witcha
Gil_T2
KICK ASS !
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witcha said:
There is no misunderstanding at all it was RAPE & ABUSE full stop.
He has used you without regard for your limits, I've introduced many ladies to anal, eating MASTER's cum & serving & have no respect for anyone who refuses to act imediately once a safe word is used.
He is NO Dom or MASTER of any kind he is a user & abuser of ladies.
NONE OF WHAT HAS
HAPPENED WAS YOUR
FAULT WITCHA
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dolf
Ex porn
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i fully agree with you hon...but if's her place to label what happened. when she's ready to she'll face it and deal with it but for now, while the wounds are fresh, she has to take the easiest route for herself...if this means "misunderstanding" for a while then that's ok.Gil_T2 said:
witcha hon, call it whatever you need to while you get over the shock....and i know you'll have the strength to face this for what it was when you're ready
xx
