Safe Words

[bluntforcemama]

I have no safe word. I wonder how dangerous that is. I suppose I feel that I don't need one because my mate instinctively knows my limits and how far to push. There are times when he doesn't push hard enough. Does anyone else not have a safe word?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I have no safe word. I wonder how dangerous that is. I suppose I feel that I don't need one because my mate instinctively knows my limits and how far to push. There are times when he doesn't push hard enough. Does anyone else not have a safe word?

I won't scene with someone who refuses safe words. I think that having a safe word is necessary. I use a five-color system - green, blue, yellow, orange, red - and make sure that someone with whom I intend to scene is familiar with them and what they mean to me. If they refuse to use them, that's their choice; but if they refuse to have them available, they are not interested in safety - theirs or mine - and it's my choice to not scene with them.

Especially with someone I haven't scened with often, I check with them - ask them for a color - frequently, every five to fifteen minutes, depending on the type and level of activity. I have never had anyone come back with anything higher than yellow ("That's pretty intense, but I'm okay with it... but let's not go to any higher level, at least for a while"). With someone I've scened with frequently or for a long period of time (months or years), those checks are less frequent, but I can't recall a scene I've done in the last twenty years or more that I didn't check at least once or twice during the peak (most intense) activities.

Obviously, someone I won't scene with, I wouldn't have a D/s or M/s relationship with.

 

[WriterDom]

Re: Re: Safe Words

I won't scene with someone who refuses safe words. I think that having a safe word is necessary. I use a five-color system - green, blue, yellow, orange, red - and make sure that someone with whom I intend to scene is familiar with them and what they mean to me. If they refuse to use them, that's their choice; but if they refuse to have them available, they are not interested in safety - theirs or mine - and it's my choice to not scene with them.

Obviously, someone I won't scene with, I wouldn't have a D/s or M/s relationship with.

Never seen 5 used. Could you explain the meanings?

I have yellow and red.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

Never seen 5 used. Could you explain the meanings?

I have yellow and red.

Okay, that's just bizarre. I was going to pick "orange" for my safe word. I've been thinking all day about what it should be.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

Never seen 5 used. Could you explain the meanings?

I have yellow and red.

Green: Everything's fine. Don't stop. You can even turn it up a notch!

Blue: Everything's fine. Keep going. I'm happy.

Yellow: I'm okay with what you're doing... but let's not go to any higher level, at least for a while - or maybe even back off, just a little.

Orange: I'm very, very close to the edge of my tolerance. Please back off some. I need to breathe.

Red: Stop. Stop now.

Of course, red is stop at any time, whether I'm checking or not. I inserted blue and orange between the more familiar green, yellow and red to allow more "shadings" of meaning, and chose them because green + yellow = blue; yellow + red = orange. Elementary, my dear Watson!

"Ouch," "Owwie," "Oh, shit," and "Damnit!" and similar exclamations are not safe words.

Why don't they have yellow type?

 

[Technodivinitas]

I believe once upon a time, I had "Tweezers" as a safeword. As someone who likes to fight back/resist/beg for mercy, (or at least, used to...) I strongly agree with the principles of safewords, and I'd never play with anyone who refused to use them altogether. But I haven't needed one in so long that I fall back now on the universal "Red". Everyone knows what that means. If I were to play with someone new to me, I'd be certain to doublecheck that they knew it, and that they were willing to acknowledge it, if it was spoken.

Conversely, I have known one Dom who insisted that safewords were exactly the opposite- UNsafe. He felt that having a safeword allowed Tops to be careless and less attentive to the submissive's safety and/or health. His logic is not entirely unsound- but I feel too strongly that Tops should be responsible for their own skill and attentiveness, without asking/requiring a bottom to "fly without a net" so to speak.

My Master and I did something that was extremely controversial in our circles though- I let him know that I was concerned that I bailed out or chickened out of scenes when I could, if I was at all afraid, or feeling lazy, or uncomfortable, when in truth, I wanted to test and stretch my limits. So we agreed that if I safeworded, he and I would discuss my reasons after I was relaxed again, and if he felt after the fact that I had used my safeword frivolously, there would be a pre-agreed-upon penalty- something which I summarily disliked or even hated, but knew beyond question that I could endure. (Closet-time, floor-scrubbing, etc...) It worked beautifully. And I haven't even felt a need to reach for a safeword in so long that I've pretty much forgotten that I ever had one to begin with! (Red. Red is universal... )

 

[Technodivinitas]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

Of course, red is stop at any time, whether I'm checking or not. I inserted blue and orange between the more familiar green, yellow and red to allow more "shadings" of meaning, and chose them because green + yellow = blue; yellow + red = orange. Elementary, my dear Watson!

Green + yellow= blue? er... not on my pallet... ~looks baffled~

 

[bluntforcemama]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

Green + yellow= blue? er... not on my pallet... ~looks baffled~

Chartreuse!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

Green + yellow= blue? er... not on my pallet... ~looks baffled~

Try it with crayons. That's all they let me have, now... muahahaha!

<Edited to add:>
Now, I'm confused. I could *swear* that I'd always heard yellow + green = blue. Tried it w/ stepdaughter's crayons, then w/ her water colors. Nogo. Then started googling for it. Nada. WTF? I knew I was crazy, but didn't realize I'd lost *all* of my mind... <sigh>

 

[graceanne]

I trust my hubby, but he's the one who wants safe words, it makes him feel more secure in knowing that he's not going over boundaries. We also use yellow and red.

 

[InnerDarkness]

I always used a safe word no matter how much I trusted Sir. usually it was something odd and not likely to be part of the "dialogue" of the moment...

In one case it was "music" and in another it was "scooby". I dont recall ever using either one, but I knew it was there if I needed it.

I am also a "protester", a "fighter", a "resister", so I am very careful not to throw the safe word out unless I really and truly mean it...all my cries and protests are part of the experience...and Sir always knew that.

 

[FungiUg]

I don't assign safe words -- I do make it clear that I don't play around with words like "no" and "stop". I would assign a safe sign for gagging though.

 

[graceanne]

Actually that's why he wants me to have a safe word. He was in a relationship with a girl who was always saying no (they didnt' have a safe word), and he wasn't sure if she meant it or not, and it'd totally ruin the mood when he'd stop to be sure.

 

[Technodivinitas]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

Try it with crayons. That's all they let me have, now... muahahaha!

<Edited to add:>
Now, I'm confused. I could *swear* that I'd always heard yellow + green = blue. Tried it w/ stepdaughter's crayons, then w/ her water colors. Nogo. Then started googling for it. Nada. WTF? I knew I was crazy, but didn't realize I'd lost *all* of my mind... <sigh>

~Techno slips into artschool mode~

Yellow + Blue= Green. You're not color blind, just color dyslexic! *L*
Ironically, (and very off-topic,) when mixing colored light, all those rules are out the window. The spectrums work in almost direct opposite. I always thought it was interesting that the color we see things to be is actually only the colors that object reflects, (does not absorb.) If you absorb something, it becomes you, or a part threof, so things are actually not the colors we see, but exactly the opposite!

Okay. Silly color rant over.

 

[InnerDarkness]

oh yeah, i can imagine!

Me saying "no" or "stop" might be something I halfheartedly mean, but is by no means to be construed as a safe word or that he should really stop. He always knew that if it was beyond what I could take, I would use the actual, predetermined word....even if tears were streaming down my face and I was begging, he wouldnt stop unless he heard THE WORD.

 

[serijules]

hmm safewords. I've always liked this topic. My experiences and preferences are a bit different though.

I am one of the "if you don't use safewords, you ain't touching me" types, although I have found more and more that I prefer a safe ACTION rather than a word. I think it's because being deaf I don't trust auditory situations, things need to be visual for me, and in the height of subspace, I often forget that I'm the only one that is deaf, not everyone else. I'm like this in a lot of ways...if someone is not looking at me, I assume they cannot hear me, because that is how it works in *my* world. Once I discovered that my insecurities with safewords were based largely on this little fact and found I was more secure with a safe action, I have felt a lot more comfortable with the concept of safewords. I do use a verbal too, but for me, the "safeword" is whatever action is agreed upon and works for the scene, from raising a fist or finger to dropping a bouncy ball and the safeword itself is just for the top's convenience.

I dislike the stoplight method of safewording, although I think for many in the scene it is great, especially for newbies, but it doesn't work for me. I feel silly and out of sorts calling out a nonsense word in the middle of an intense scene (and being I have pretty tough skin, a scene has to be intense if it gets to a safeword point). I find that I am less likely to safeword if needed if the word is something I am not comfortable with, or I struggle with doing so and end up putting myself in danger and being unfair to the top. Thus, I have often used "master" or "mistress" as a safeword...both are titles I would not refer to anyone as at this point in my life, and it is much easier for me to say "mistress!" than it is to say "red!", especially when my mind is so wrapped up in subspace that talking in and of itself is hard to do, it is a natural thing to say that is unnatural enough coming out of my mouth to be used as a safeword. If that makes any sense.

A top that has to constantly check in with me is not someone I am going to enjoy playing with (not that there is anything wrong with that method, it just does not work for me). I like my subspace, I love silent communication, I am not big on talking a lot during a scene or negotiating mid-way through unless it is to beg or plead or answer direct questions. Anyone that plays with me is going to have had a good conversation with me beforehand and my limits should be relatively clear. They should not NEED to check in with me that often, because the pre-scene conversation should have made it clear that if something is going amiss, I will simply tell them. "Ma'am, it feels wonderful to hurt so well for you, may I please have more?" (green) "Sir, my arms are getting cramped, can we please adjust my position." (yellow). "Please Mistress!" (Red). It appeals to my submissive nature to have to ask, it feels natural, it doesn't disrupt the headspace for either of us, and there is no question about *why* the 'safeword' is being used. If I grow really quiet, which I tend to do when in deep subspace, if they need to check in on me that is just fine, but I would prefer to just be able to nod that I am ok, or answer "yes Ma'am" to show that I am fine. I don't feel comfortable with taking time out and rating my mood on some random scale that is too vague for my tastes. (Yellow? No, I think orange...maybe not...why? the position? the implement? the headspace? you have to pee? your reality show is startings in 10 minutes and you don't want to miss it?) I recall one scene where the top was constantly asking me how this felt, how that felt, was it too much, too little, etc...it drove me insane, I felt like I might as well have been topping myself. So while an occasional check-in is fine, the less the better. If I need to let them know something, I'll simply let them know.

I'm also one that tends to cry and protest and beg, "please stop, no!" and do not mean it in any way. They are just natural words that come out of my mouth, the way I say "thank you" when someone opens a door for me or pays me a compliment or say "DAMNIT!" when I stub my toe *grin*. So using stop or no for a safeword is also something that would never work for me.

I think the key to safewords though is use what is natural and comfortable for both of you and to always remember they are in no way foolproof, so whether you use them or not is a moot point if one or both partners in a scene lack simple common sense and courtesy.

 

[InnerDarkness]

I'm also one that tends to cry and protest and beg, "please stop, no!" and do not mean it in any way. They are just natural words that come out of my mouth, the way I say "thank you" when someone opens a door for me or pays me a compliment or say "DAMNIT!" when I stub my toe *grin*. So using stop or no for a safeword is also something that would never work for me.

You said it perfectly!

 

[graceanne]

I think it's because being deaf I don't trust auditory situations, things need to be visual for me, and in the height of subspace, I often forget that I'm the only one that is deaf, not everyone else.

Ok, so if you're deaf wouldn't your natural reaction be to sign your safeword? Most of my dad's side of the family is either deaf or going deaf, and my grandma will actually forget to talk to those of us who are bad signers (namely me and my sis, we grew up with my mom's side of the family). She also will 'think out loud' by signing to herself. (It's cute.) Or are you late deafened, and don't know sign language? Also, have you ever been with anyone who's also deaf? What would you do for a safeword then?

 

[Netzach]

I use safewords, but they don't get used that often. I tend to read people fairly well, and use a lot of non=verbal cues.

I also use signals, not only when gagged, but any time the mouth might be covered or the facial features hidden.

I like them better than words, they tend to be used more easily, the sub feels less like they are "wimping out" I think...

 

[fallon2]

I

insist on a safeword. For the safety of the sub, for my mind's own well being.

Oh, and if a certain sub thinks that she can use it "any" time and not when it is appropriate . . . it would be a huge mistake!

 

[serijules]

Ok, so if you're deaf wouldn't your natural reaction be to sign your safeword? Most of my dad's side of the family is either deaf or going deaf, and my grandma will actually forget to talk to those of us who are bad signers (namely me and my sis, we grew up with my mom's side of the family). She also will 'think out loud' by signing to herself. (It's cute.) Or are you late deafened, and don't know sign language? Also, have you ever been with anyone who's also deaf? What would you do for a safeword then?

Deaf doesn't mean mute I don't sign (or to be more accurate, I sign very little), I am an expert lip reader and do all of my communicating through lipreading. My speech is good because I didn't lose the majority of my hearing until I was about 3 or 4 after most of my speech patterns had already been developed, although I do talk with an "accent". (they are not sure how old I was when I lost it...I had taught myself to lipread so the hearing loss wasn't noticed until I started preschool and kindergarten). So no, signing is as foreign to me as hearing.

I've never played with another deaf person, but if that were to happen, I'm sure we would simply find a sign that worked...a sign really is no different than a safeaction, in fact, the safeaction I prefer to use actually IS the sign for "no" modified a bit, so I guess it is sign, although I didn't choose it for that reason.

 

[graceanne]

Deaf doesn't mean mute

I understand that, no one in my family is mute, far from it! We're all chatterboxes. But if you never learned to sign, that would explain why you don't accidently sign.

The reason I was wondering about playing with another deaf person, is that if they aren't looking at you, they wouldn't know if you're signing your safe 'sign.' I guess that's one of those things you'd think about if the situation ever occured, huh.

Grace

 

[serijules]

I understand that, no one in my family is mute, far from it! We're all chatterboxes. But if you never learned to sign, that would explain why you don't accidently sign.

The reason I was wondering about playing with another deaf person, is that if they aren't looking at you, they wouldn't know if you're signing your safe 'sign.' I guess that's one of those things you'd think about if the situation ever occured, huh.

Grace

Ok, sorry, didn't mean to be patronizing (I don't think that is the word I want but I can't think of the one I want so that one will have to do, LOL). Most people assume that deaf means mute, or means absolutely no hearing at all, which is not true. I actually have a little hearing with my aids, but it's pretty useless.

Anyhow, yeah you have a point, it would be hard...if the situation were to occur, I think the safest way would be to have a third person involved in the scene. Or um, I could teach my HA dog to recognize my safeword/signal and alert the top *grin*.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

Green: Everything's fine. Don't stop. You can even turn it up a notch!

Blue: Everything's fine. Keep going. I'm happy.

Yellow: I'm okay with what you're doing... but let's not go to any higher level, at least for a while - or maybe even back off, just a little.

Orange: I'm very, very close to the edge of my tolerance. Please back off some. I need to breathe.

Red: Stop. Stop now.

Of course, red is stop at any time, whether I'm checking or not. I inserted blue and orange between the more familiar green, yellow and red to allow more "shadings" of meaning, and chose them because green + yellow = blue; yellow + red = orange. Elementary, my dear Watson!

"Ouch," "Owwie," "Oh, shit," and "Damnit!" and similar exclamations are not safe words.

Why don't they have yellow type?

neither is "goddamnit that f'in hurts" or so ive been told

 

[Evaleastaristev]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

Green: Everything's fine. Don't stop. You can even turn it up a notch!

Blue: Everything's fine. Keep going. I'm happy.

Yellow: I'm okay with what you're doing... but let's not go to any higher level, at least for a while - or maybe even back off, just a little.

Orange: I'm very, very close to the edge of my tolerance. Please back off some. I need to breathe.

Red: Stop. Stop now.

Of course, red is stop at any time, whether I'm checking or not. I inserted blue and orange between the more familiar green, yellow and red to allow more "shadings" of meaning, and chose them because green + yellow = blue; yellow + red = orange. Elementary, my dear Watson!

"Ouch," "Owwie," "Oh, shit," and "Damnit!" and similar exclamations are not safe words.

Why don't they have yellow type?

i've always referred to blue as "emotional landmine" another form of red which is much stronger in my book.

But hey, they're oepn to interpratation.....atleast all but the Universal "Red" are.