Safe Words

[Sandia]

Not long ago someone asked me about safe words.

I don't know of any reason to use a safe word except to play at nonconsent. She did not want to play at nonconsent, and to this day I have never used a safeword.

Is there another reason to use a safe word that I don't know about?

 

[MissTaken]

Several:

If you are with someone who is fairly new to you, perhaps the D's understanding of the agreed upon act is a bit more intense than the sub is ready for.

A leg cramp or other situational reason to slow down or stop is a really good reason to use a safe word. Some subs are unable to clearly voice their needs when in space, so if they have only to remember a few words, it can be helpful.

Having safe words, for me, has been more of a comfort issue. I hvae never used them, but having them makes me feel safer and empowered with regard to my safety and degree to which I am going.

I am sure there are more reasons. I just can't think too well sans cafe , this morning!

 

[cellis]

Himself gave me my safe word the first time we ever played together. I have never used it, but have come close a couple of times. It has been a source of great discussions between us. He needs to know that I will use it if he goes too far... I realized that was a lot about trust.

 

[Roy Kay]

It's useful, if only as a backup. AND it does let the sub allow more than normal, knowing that there is a certain stop to things if needed.

 

[WriterDom]

Some people like to play rough. It's consensual, but the Dom isn't a mind reader. The sub needs a way to communicate that it's approaching her limit, or to stop at once.

You have to be aware also that a sub can get in such a state that she can't say her safe word, or no, or stop, but is in real trouble.

 

[artful]

On a lighter note,...

Some people like to play rough. It's consensual, but the Dom isn't a mind reader. The sub needs a way to communicate that it's approaching her limit, or to stop at once.

You have to be aware also that a sub can get in such a state that she can't say her safe word, or no, or stop, but is in real trouble.

...if a sub gets into REAL trouble, and forgets her safewords, (usually red, yellow, and green), and she hollers out:

"Rainbow-RAINBOW-*FUCKING RAINBOW* DAMMITT"

The Dom/me should certainly stop what they are doing and communicate with the sub.

(OMG) I didn't post that,...fucking Lit did it!

 

[Sandia]

Several:

If you are with someone who is fairly new to you, perhaps the D's understanding of the agreed upon act is a bit more intense than the sub is ready for.

A leg cramp or other situational reason to slow down or stop is a really good reason to use a safe word. Some subs are unable to clearly voice their needs when in space, so if they have only to remember a few words, it can be helpful.

Having safe words, for me, has been more of a comfort issue. I hvae never used them, but having them makes me feel safer and empowered with regard to my safety and degree to which I am going.

I am sure there are more reasons. I just can't think too well sans cafe , this morning!

I guess this is one of the reasons I consider myself a "lightweight."

"No," or "stop" work fine for me. I'd be very careful about going to a place where those words didn't mean what they say they mean. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it-- just that I haven't tried such a thing yet, and would want to be very careful about it.

I think for us - certainly for me - just knowing that no means no was easier.

 

[MissTaken]

A true submissive may have real difficulty saying, "No" to his or her Dom/me.

This is especially true, again, when in subspace.

Subspace isn't evidence of being a "hard core" player, btw. Some women find themselves there quite easily.

I know when I am having a nice sojourn into space, I am functioning at a very low level in terms of my ability to comprehend what I am being told and to make decisions.

 

[Hecate]

Safewords for Me

I need them!

I can't remember ever using one, but for me it is important to know they are there.

A No! in a heated scene is uttered quickly, it is actually part of the scene since all "bondage play" basically is a "non-consent" theme .... even the sweetest torture is much nicer if the sub can realease all the inhibitions and a ohhh noooo , pleaseeee nooo! just adds to the general mood. So how would I know when that good No turns into a bad NO! ?

Safewords are a matter of trust as well - I must be able to rely on my sub to USE the bloody word when they need to! Just as the sub relies on the safeword to immediately be respected.

I love pushing limits - and I only dare do so to my hearts desire if I KNOW I will be stopped if my pace is faster than that of my submissive.

Does that make me less considerate, colder, unattentive to my sub?
NO WAY!

I strife to not be needing the word, to not go too far, but at the same time I need not stop well before our limits are reached for the fear of pushing too far.

Safe words are meant to be used, but they are not the certificate to go dishing out whatever you feel like without consideration.

They are a safety net, just like at a trapeze act .... you can hang the trapeze low, then you can do some things, but you can't reach the "full swing" for some of the more tricky bits - on the other hand the risk of hurting yourself is low anyway so that is fine without safety net ... but if you want to do all the tricky, edgy stuff, you need to hang the swininging bars higher - much higher. And then you can either be a fool and run the risk of breaking your neck if it doesn't wok out, or have a safety net into which you can let yourelf fall should the need arise.

I am not sure if that analogy made any sense - but in a short line: intense play makes the use of NO! part of the scene, the whimpering of don't, stop, no more is merely a subconscious sound that would end the game when it is just in full swing if taken serious - at least it is when I play, therefore my style requires safewords as a "insurance of not breaking my neck".

On a side note: just as important is a safe-gesture or safe-noise/sound ... you see *winks* sometimes there is simply no way to say anything ... but even then a "stop NOW, no kidding" warning has to be established.

 

[WillowPuss]

Is there another reason to use a safe word that I don't know about?

I have the usual safe words of yellow to pause and slow down and red to stop at once.

I have had to yellow a couple of times. I have not had to red yet.

I also have a specific safe word 'tigger' to let Robuck know that I need to move as one of my joints has locked. I have arthritis in both hips, knees and ankles ... and when one locks the pain is such that it tends to override everything else!

 

[WillowPuss]

Ohhh - just thought of something else ... we also need the safeword to let Robuck know that he is fine doing what he is doing - especially if we are playing with a toy new to us.

By allowing him to build up using a toy before I say yellow, he knows for future use just how hard he can play before I am nearing a limit.

(Does that make sense Sandia?

 

[Ebonyfire]

I use them

My subs always have them, but so far only one has used them once. He was recovering from surgery and he was tender all over.

I do not have live in subs so there is always the possibility I will not remember when to stop.

Or they may not be able to take something this week that was routine last month.

Circumstances change, and consent is something that has to be given over and over again. Renewing and using safewords is part of reaffirming that consent has been given.

Ebony

 

[Sandia]

I suppose it depends on the relationship...

I honestly don't see why "red" is easier than "no" or "stop," but naturally, if someone says it is, it is.

And I admit I still see safe words as a way to say "no" without meaning it. That seems like a step toward "edgier" play to me. (From where I'm standing.)

If you're in sub-space, why is it easier to say "red" than "stop"?

Don't they mean the same thing?

 

[spankableBelle]

i brought up safe words to a Dom that i was speaking with once and He was quite offended that i would even suggest that i have one...that i didn't trust Him enough to know when to stop...

We didn't continue talking after that...

 

[slvjenn]

I'm not sure if red is easier to say, but i've used MAYDAY due to the fact it is still understandable through a ballgag. (test it some time hehe) The word Red may be understandable as well, I've never personally tried it.

I've often said "stooooopppppp" and not really WANTED him to stop. Just like I've said no, praying he'd make me do it anyway. I've never said RED just because I wanted him to make me submit harder. (if that makes sense)

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I suppose it depends on the relationship...

I honestly don't see why "red" is easier than "no" or "stop," but naturally, if someone says it is, it is.

And I admit I still see safe words as a way to say "no" without meaning it. That seems like a step toward "edgier" play to me. (From where I'm standing.)

If you're in sub-space, why is it easier to say "red" than "stop"?

Don't they mean the same thing?

I think you hit the nail on the head here Sandia, it does depend on the relationship. In MY relationship I will NOT play without my safewords....yes I have 2. I have never used "red", but have had to "yellow" on several occasions. When I've "yellowed" I didn't want play to stop totally, I think there is the difference. Stop to me means all play comes to a halt immediately. I don't enjoy stopping totally when in subspace, however, cramps in hips or needing to slow the pace shouldn't have to take a huge sentence in my book.

Also when I'm really into what's going on, my verbal skills fly right out the window. I couldn't put together more than two or three words if I wanted to. From what I am reading of your posts on this, it seems that you just don't understand that SOME women can't say "no" or "stop", however, they need some way to know that they are safe. I'm sure you aren't saying you are a mind reader, I don't see that in your posts.

How do you tell when things aren't quite right if the sub isn't saying anything? What if she can't say no or stop?

These are just my opinions, and thoughts.

dixi

 

[MsWorthy]

I suppose it depends on the relationship...

I honestly don't see why "red" is easier than "no" or "stop," but naturally, if someone says it is, it is.

And I admit I still see safe words as a way to say "no" without meaning it. That seems like a step toward "edgier" play to me. (From where I'm standing.)

If you're in sub-space, why is it easier to say "red" than "stop"?

Don't they mean the same thing?

Sandia.

I think you are correct. Red is just another way to say stop. The use of a safeword (saying red instead of stop) is beneficial when a scene involves roleplay and one participant plays the role of an "unwilling" participant. For example, many people have a fantasy of being "forced" to have sex. They want to get fully involved in the "role" of victim. Saying no or stop during this type of play would be considered part of the "game," as the participant is pretending to "unwilling".

A safeword in other types of play allows the one who is receiving in a scene to say stop, resist, or fight the action she/he is receiving without actually stopping the action. Some people enjoy fighting, screaming, saying stop or no, complaining, or otherwise resisting as it somehow enchances the scene for her/him.

Having a safeword lets your partner know that you are out of role and really want the play to stop.

 

[Hecate]

....
And I admit I still see safe words as a way to say "no" without meaning it. That seems like a step toward "edgier" play to me. (From where I'm standing.)
....

that is basically one of the main aspects why I like them.


Imagine a "teacher/bad girl" scenario eg. (yeah, some of us like role playing, we are just taller kids after all ) or a "play rape" or any other form of consenting but "play-not-consenting or play-seductive" love making".

It is part of the scene to develop that power exchange to the highest possible degree, part of it being that the sub party involved has to be "victimized". and how would that work if at the first "stop" or "no" the whole fun would be over?

If the "safe word" is No then no is exatly that - the end of it all! Or Stop or such.

How much would it take away if the sub couldn't whimper and beg and "fight" with all the means possible, including the moans and no's and stops?

This doesn't necessarrily have to be edgy .. but picture the scene:

Domme: So you have been a bad boy/girl?
Sub: No Madam!
Domme: Oh - I am sure you were - and I will have to teach you manners, young lady/man

at this point nothing more happens but a simple hand run over an inside thigh or a fist firmly placed in the hair to pull the head to fix eye contact


Domme: And I am sure you need to be punished for your actions quite severely!
Sub: But No! I will be very good frm now on ...
Domme: That is a good idea - but just to make sure you don't forget that too soon again I think a little spanking wouldn't hurt to reinforce that!
Sub: But NO! you can't really mean to! .... Stop!

When you gently but firmly pull the cute little quivering subbie from the chair, bend him/her over the desk and slowly start removing the "deriere" protective clothing.
To give the scene some realism that should be accompanied by a few Stops, Don't!'s and No's.... even though nothing is really happening in a hurting, edgy way. There never may, apart froma fwe light smacks on the ass even ... but still , if No meant no ... then I would never get there.

Then we have the "play rape" - fairly common thing among even teh "non-bdsm, just having kinky sex" community.

Dom: Oh come on, you are a little slut, teasing me with your body like this - I bet you wanted to be taken like the whore you are all along!

Sub: NO! Stop it! You bastard!

Dom: Shut up or I will have to teach you manners! Or maybe that is waht you want - a little ass warming before I fuck you?

Sub: No! Don't dare touching me!

.... you catch my drift ... So far the only thing that mwaybe will happen is some bondage, even the lightest kind might do (since it is only a game with both parties involved playing along there might even be no bondage at all but the threat of gun in form of the kiddies water pistol), and maybe a bit of hair-pulling and then some hot steamy sex.

Nothing edgy there at all - but if for some reason the sub freaked - how would the Dom know by her saying No, Stop? by the time you realize this is SERIOUS it may be too late! safewords are IMMEDIATE!

Even when not roleplaying, it is My pleasure to have ht efeeling of being in control, totally , completely - and I like to know that I am making things "uncomfortable" for my sub at times. So my question "you want me to do this to you" should eventually be answered with a No, but nevertheless she will not mean I should stop what I am doing, it just means she will take it for my pleasure more than hers... and that might be something silly like a cloth peg on a nipple or a ice cube run over her skin. Nothing edgy at all - but if it didn't mean a bit of sufering for subbie it would only be half the fun.

The "other than no" safeword releases the sub from concentration too hard on not using a word that might lead to "misunderstanding" and destroy the mood of the scene, sub's shouldn't have to concentrate on verbal expressions, they should let go, be free whimper ... and beg me not to, to stop.... for many submissives (I found anyway) that makes huge part of the appeal, to not be "in control" of either the action or reaction to the scene, to just let their instinct rule, and if you had to be carefull to avoid certain words that definitely would take away from the fun.

I am not sure if that made any more sense than before, but I think safewods, even if never used, are "liberating", because you can fully imerge into the scene and "character" without being too worred to disturb the flow by using a too common word or not cathcing the "emergency" meaning of a too often used word like NO or STOP!

Of course that is getting more and more the case as you get into more intense and imerged scenes, either role play or "edge play" wise.


edited to say I could have saved me the trouble had I noticed I was taking so long to type that MsW had already said it in far less words! - fair enough *lol* that is what "ramblers" get

 

[mousetro]

I agree withh all that has been said before. I am a dom and use different safe words for different acts usually 4 or 5 different ones allows sub to set back a few steps or to take total break. It then allows me to push as far as she can go usually she allows me to go past her boundries that way she can find out how far she can really go as apposed to just calling it all the time. It also helps me to build a bond which can then make a relationship stronger I however am looking for someone.

 

[A Desert Rose]

No or Slower please always worked for me.
Rose

 

[SexySusan]

I tried to imagine whether "red" and "no" / "stop" would actually be interchangeable for me ...

I would have to say: no. And this is why.

Words aren't just a number of assembled letters. They have meanings. They can be charged with emotions.

"No" is the word for "I disagree". I can understand why it may be hard for some to say "I disagree" to their dom/me, especially when they are not disagreeing with the person, but only with the action.

"Stop" is an order. It has a very strong demanding note. Also, easy to imagine why it may be hard to say it for a submissive.

"Red" is a color. It seems far more neutral as a safeword.

I'm totally making this up! But these are the thoughts that crossed my mind.

 

[mousetro]

Colours make great safe words as well as any other word that you would not normally use in conversation. unicorn is also a great one

 

[cymbidia]

We've talked about safe words over and over and over in this forum, and we'll continue doing so, too, because trying to be as safe as possible while we're walking the edge of the pleasure-pain fence, well, that's what we do, right? We do stuff that has normal-kinda folks shaking thier heads and making clucking noises about how crazy we are, about how our kind of loving isn't anything but abusive men (cuz all dominants are men) and low-self-esteem women (all the subs, of course).

We know better. We know the rich intensity and deeply satisfying love that is available to us within the confines of our love relationships. But we're not supid. We take steps to minimize the chance that we'll get well-and-truly hurt. One of the steps most often emlpoyed is the utilization of safe words during play.

A post or two from another thread...
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=74775

I used "yellow" on Monday morning, as a matter of fact.

(No! I do *not* want to hear about my claim to being celibate! I can't do it! I won't do it! You can't make me do it!)

I was playing with someone who'll be just fine for now and it was our first time. He was being careful but, well, we've done a lot of talking already, he's read my stories and knows they're autobiographical, and he's seen into my toybag. He knew i could take and wanted more than just a couple gentle taps, you know?

He started with his hand. I like hands. They're warm and pliable and i feel so connected to my partner via that hand. He had *hard* hands, though, and knew what he was doing with them. And he liked using his hand; i could tell that.

Then he asked if i was comfortable, if i wanted more, and when i assented, he repositioned me so i was bent over the bed, slipped his belt off, and began to use that on my already glowing backside. Hard. Quick. The sound of my moans and little screams filled the room, puncuated by the unmistakeable sound of leather slapping hard against skin.

Well!

GODS!

A handful of hard swats and my skin was on fire. I was gasping, riding that edge between too much and just right. One more hard slap, black leather against my red and white butt, and a scream of "YELLOW!" came tearing out of my mouth.

Immediately, he slowed his pace and softened the blows - but he kept them coming. He didn't stop - and i didn't want him to stop - he just slowed everything down softened it up a bit, and gave me some time and room to breathe.

After fifteen seconds or so, he dropped the belt and we moved on to another bit of the morning's entertainment.

That RED YELLOW GREEN thing?
It's handy for experienced subs and Dom/mes, too.

I agree that if and when the sub uses safewords, particularly that approximating "slow down cuz it's getting too intense for me" (aka "yellow" for many of us), she's controlling the whole play. It's - not good for the sub to control the play, at least after a trust relationship has been established.

Therein lies my point.

AFTER people are well into a trust relationship, as time goes on, most subs voluntarily give up more and more of thier control over the use of safe words because we really don't want the control. We want to be controlled. We want to be pushed. We want to feel more than we thought we would, be stretched further than we thought we'd go. We crave being controlled - and we cannot get it if we are the ones controlling the play.

BEFORE we have built a deeply meaningful trust relationship with our partner, though, and while we're in the process, we absolutely must feel safe in order for trust to continue to grow. Until we know that our partner won't hurt us in a bad pain way, either through inattention or lack of skill or intentionally or whatever, then we need the safety loophole that safewords provide.

The timing of when we give back the safewords will vary, of course, from person to person, from relationship to relationship, through time. It will always be different for all of us.

I think most of us, though, crave the ultimate sensory high of trusting our partner so deeply that we deliver ourselves into his hands unadorned by the weight of our control of his actions.

I know i do.

[color=royal blue]Originally posted by "angel" eve
i've always trusted my parter to understand that stop means stop. and they trust me to be able to judge my limits. and vice versa when i'm playing dominant. none of my relationships have ever been formal - so the use of "stop" seems rather approproiate. similarly "don't" means don't do what you are doing, i don't like it, and may call for talking about the problme that has arrisen.[/color]

Ooooooooooooh, darlin'.

Two mornings ago i was playing with my play partner. I was bound tightly, sitting in an armless chair, like a dining room chair. My hands were locked into cuffs and then locked to a spreader bar that was in place benath the chair seat. My ankles were locked into cuffs and then tied together with rope - and the rope was tied to the spreader bar under the chair.

At various points in our play, he was using a leather slapper and a couple different canes on the fronts of my thighs, from the tops or each leg down almost to my knees.

At a bunch of places during that play, i was screaming (around the gag, as it turned out) NONONONONONONONO! and OH GOD DON'T! and FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!

He didn't stop, though.

Not for that kinda yelling, those words.

However, the second i screamed YELLOW! he slowed it down. He looked into my face. He racheted-up his attention on my breathing on my sweating on my face, my eyes, my hands - all the parts of me that could tell him anything about my condition, physical or emotional.

That's what YELLOW means in our play.

Those other words?
They get screamed with astounding regularity when someone is using a fucking leather slapper on me and it's bruising me and we both know it. I scream. I yell. I swear. I squirm. I want it. I need it. I'm processing it. It's intense. I ache for it and fear it and crave it...

But unless i say the words GREEN or YELLOW or RED, he doesn't have to change his actions to suit me.

When i say YELLOW or RED, however, he does have to change his actions to suit my needs.

If he does not, then he's violated the basic quality of the trust relationship we're building with every single minute we spend together, playing or not. If my trust is violated, what kind of a fucking fool would i be to get anywhere near him and his canes again?

If he violates my trust with regard to safewords, then there is nothing of any value between us anymore. He knows it. So do i. A lot rides on using safewords correctly. It's important, then, to have clear and unambiguous safe words, is it not?

However, i know i'm safe during our play because he doesn't ever have to guess and wonder. He never has to think, "Does "STOP" mean stop everything right now or does it mean slow down so i can breathe or does it mean oh gods keep going keep going i just have to scream something because this is so powerful, so real, so immediate and i just have scream?"

We, the SSC BDSM subculture of worldwide society, use safe words because they keep us safe, dominant and submissive, top and bottom, sadist and masochist.

The words can be GIRAFFE and ZEBRA and ELEPHANT
or
PANSY and PETUNIA and ROSE
or
FORD and CHEVY and MITSUBISHI

The words don't matter.

All that matters is that both people feel safe in what they're doing. The word STOP is a word that is too easily screamed in the heat of play for me (and most) others to use as a safe word. Same with DON'T.

Safe words are supposed to be words that are really easy for both people involved to remember. One doesn't want to have to try to remember if it was CALIFORNIA or NEW YORK that meant "slow down" while one is in the middle of things, right?

GREEN, YELLOW, and RED are the standards - but many people use others. STOP and DON'T, though, aren't often among the words most of us choose to use. They fall out of our mouths too easily, and too often they mean something entirely different then "stop" or "don't".

Especially for those new to this, i'd urge you - most sincerely - to use words other than STOP or DON'T to mean "stop that right now" and/or "slow it down so i can breathe, so i won't freak, so i can process this". Please.

Here are a few other good threads wherein we've discussed this subject:
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=74832
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=74061

 

[Ebonyfire]

i brought up safe words to a Dom that i was speaking with once and He was quite offended that i would even suggest that i have one...that i didn't trust Him enough to know when to stop...

We didn't continue talking after that...

See to me that is unthinkable. That he would take offense at your wanting to use a safeword. Safety should always be a given, even if a sub wants to dispense with it to "show submission". To me, you can never be too safe.

Eb

 

[morninggirl5]

i brought up safe words to a Dom that i was speaking with once and He was quite offended that i would even suggest that i have one...that i didn't trust Him enough to know when to stop...

We didn't continue talking after that...

There are at least three "Dom's" on my blocked list that tried in various ways to explain to me why safe words would be unnecessary.

One in particular was quite vehement that safe words were unnecessary because he would *never* take anyone anywhere close to the need for one.

I have found that there is an apparently large group of people who use "no" "stop" or "don't" as safe words. For me, none of those could ever be a consideration. Saying "no" is very hard for me to do in any circumstance.