S/m

[MsWorthy]

I am curious. How many people here have sadistic or masochistic desires/tendencies? I don't mean those who like a mild spanking or heavy nipple stimulation, but those who crave/desire pain, either receiving or providing?

I am also interested in whether those of you who have this desire, still deal with guilt about your desires, and if you do, how do you deal with the guilt?

I am aware that, although my s/m desires are mild, I still want deniablity. In other words, I like being able to say that I don't need s/m in my sex life, it just adds spice occasionally. I am interested in learning how those of you who need pain in your sex lives deal with the guilt that must, surely, hit sometimes.

My partner is not a masochist, and sometimes I wonder if my s/m desires would grow stronger if I were with someone who was.

 

[zipman]

I am curious. How many people here have sadistic or masochistic desires/tendencies? I don't mean those who like a mild spanking or heavy nipple stimulation, but those who crave/desire pain, either receiving or providing?

I am also interested in whether those of you who have this desire, still deal with guilt about your desires, and if you do, how do you deal with the guilt?

I am aware that, although my s/m desires are mild, I still want deniablity. In other words, I like being able to say that I don't need s/m in my sex life, it just adds spice occasionally. I am interested in learning how those of you who need pain in your sex lives deal with the guilt that must, surely, hit sometimes.

My partner is not a masochist, and sometimes I wonder if my s/m desires would grow stronger if I were with someone who was.

MsWorthy, what a great question you pose. I have thought about this often. I am very much like you, in that I believe my desires are mild, although probably not to those in the 'nilla world.
There have been times when I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt. And I have also found myself wondering what the fuck is wrong with me that I want to/enjoy causing another person pain - albeit sexual pain. I have struggled with these questions, at times, avoiding them as the answers might be too disturbing for me to contemplate.

Finally, I realized that S/M is a merely a fetish, and that I am doing something that I dislike intensely - judging sexual preferences. I was judging myself - often unfairly. If my fetish was for feet, I might think it odd, but would I ever think it bad - I doubt it. The reality is, that just as a sadist gets a thrill, turn-on, whatever from adminstering pain, so too does the masochist receive pleasure from it. And according to my own guidleines for sex, as long as it brings both people pleasure, then it is okay (not that I am discriminating against those into group scenes )

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts on the subject!

 

[ShyGuy68]

Ok I'll try to put words to my thoughts. This might be some of a ramble though.

It haven't been that many years, since I found out that I'm a Dom and Sadist. I discovered it at a point in my life where I was really starting to figure myself out.

Now I haven't had a relationship at all in my life, and I haven't gotten to try out if I really liked it in real life as well. But I have had the pleasure of playing a bit with some women who are into it as well. From those experiences I found out, that it is something that I really like, and would like to explore much more in the future.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't choose a partner that isn't submissive and a masochist. But I will have to admit that for me to choose such a partner, there have to be a very big "spark", and a feeling that it's just "right". The ideal would of course be a combination of both those things.

As for having guilt that I like to "hit" women, well I might have had some. Because otherwise I dont have any violent tendencies, so it had to be something that I should accept about myself.

I don't crave a full time BDSM relationship either, for me it'll just be an extra spice in life as often as possible.

Ok I'll stop for now, I hope some of it made sense.

 

[Cirrus]

I am a masochist. To what degree tends to vary. There are times my Dom can bust out the wooden paddle and hit me as hard as desires (within reason, of course...you can do damage with one of those things) and I'm one happy puppy. Other times his soft leather belt is too painful.

I do crave pain in a sexual context, but it's not something I need in order to have satisfying sex. It's not a matter of deniability for me, it's just the way it is. Sometimes good ol' conventional vanilla style sex in the missionary position is perfectly satisfying for me. I will say though, that if there's a little pain mixed in with even that, a hard bit on the neck or a nipple pinched hard enough to hurt, is never really unwelcome. But it's not necessary for me to get excited, enjoy sex, or reach orgasm.

As for guilt...I used to feel that I was "sick" or that there was something wrong with me when I first came to the realization that first, I was submissive and second, that I was a masochist. But now, I've come to realize that I'm not a pervert, it's just a preference same as what foods I like or don't like, and a part of me the same as being female, heterosexual, or white. I couldn't change it if I wanted to...which I don't. It's not something I tell everyone which may reflect some residual shame or guilt...but then again I don't tell hardly anyone what goes on in my bedroom no matter what it is. It's simply not anyone else's business, for the most part.

 

[Ebonyfire]

As a Female Dominant

I am a female dominant with two subs who are very masochistic indeed.

Now I am not a sadist by the textbook definition; meaning I do not get sexual enjoyment from inflicting pain.

However, over time I do find that their need (craving) for pain is increasing, and I am finding that I am more than up to the task of filling that need, as I see fit.

What I do enjoy is their reactions to what is happening to their bodies under my direction. The control and the power that I exert.

And as for guilt? I have zip, nada, zero. It is hard to feel guilty about something that I (and they) know does them no harm.

They know I will not harm them. They trust me to take care of them. And I do.

Ebony

 

[kristydoll]

I think I have a different twist on this. I am not a masochist but I have a strong inner/mental craving for pain. I crave pain...I want it...to feel it....it's just that I can't take it. Make sense?...doesn't to me either.

This is the only area in which I feel guilt. I know my cravings, I even ask for them, but I have a hard time totally going with it. (The one time I did allow the pain to take over was, in fact, the only time I have ever reached "sub-space". My guilt will probably remain because even though I state my "needs", I don't "allow" someone to take me there.

But bdsm and this "pain" factor is something that I do need. I could not imagine a vanilla life. This is true...pain and pleasure ARE in my thoughts always. (maybe I am a closet masochist and just don't even know it *grins*)

kristy

 

[Ebonyfire]

JOKE

What is the difference between a sadist and a masochist?

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: JOKE

What is the difference between a sadist and a masochist?

Ebony

A masochist says "Beat Me!"

A Sadist says "NO"

 

[Quint]

Dammit, Ebony, now I have to clean up the keyboard!

As a mostly-untested masochist, I can't give this question the answer it deserves. I do know that I've never felt guilty or sick about craving pain, humiliation, all that closet stuff, just as I've never thought being bisexual was wrong. Sometimes I kinda wish I DID mind kinky stuff a little more, so that there would be more of a limit to overcome and more inherent naughtiness in my mind. It's like the mentality behind assfucking...I don't think it's all that dirty, and I believe I'm missing out on a lot of the fun by my very openmindedness. Damn me!

I'll definitely point this thread out to T and hope he wants to share his perspective as a genuine sadist. (Though he's told me--and I agree--that he doesn't want me to understand WHY he craves such things, because the fear that comes from not understanding the mind behind the man is almost as delightful as the actions that mind inspires.)

 

[MzChrista]

I am not ashamed to say i am a sadist but i think ya all pretty much knew that. I think the most beautiful thing in the world is a pretty girl sniffling and crying and i stopped worrying about why a long time ago.
I know that dont add much to the discussion, but I had to represent.

 

[DustyWolfe]

I'm a masochist... Just check my new title lol. I love heavy flogging, slappers, quirts, and all kinds of stingy stuff that leaves marks. Though for me it doesn't have to even be sexual. It's just pleasant, if that makes sense?

Yes, sadistic acts against me turn me on, but it's not just the pain, it's the love and care involved in the act. Like the soft words used after, the sensual strokes to my skin before and after. Stuff like that.

 

[cellis]

It took a long time to work past the guilt I felt about my need for other sensations.

You know those clips on the nipples that push you over the edge just a little bit faster...

those smacks on the ass that make you so wet...

just the sight of those ropes and that flogger and the juices start flowing...

I like all of that... and I want it and I need it... I cannot explain it... it just is a part of me... and I cannot imagine my life again without it...

 

[SierraMoon]

Yes, i consider myself to be a masochist.... i need and crave the pain in order to be satisfied.... and, in the past have been very satisfied with no intercourse or anything.. just pain.
As far as guilt goes, i have never felt one ounce of guilt as to why i am like i am.... i love pain, and as long as i receive it in a safe, sane, and consensual manner, then why feel guilty?

 

[artful]

Just think,...

I'm a masochist... Just check my new title lol. I love heavy flogging, slappers, quirts, and all kinds of stingy stuff that leaves marks. Though for me it doesn't have to even be sexual. It's just pleasant, if that makes sense?

Yes, sadistic acts against me turn me on, but it's not just the pain, it's the love and care involved in the act. Like the soft words used after, the sensual strokes to my skin before and after. Stuff like that.

...only 5 more days NOW!

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am not ashamed to say i am a sadist but i think ya all pretty much knew that. I think the most beautiful thing in the world is a pretty girl sniffling and crying and i stopped worrying about why a long time ago.
I know that dont add much to the discussion, but I had to represent.

Yes it does MzC. You always add to any discussion. I meant it. No BS. You are straight up.

Ebony

 

[Daedalus77]

When my sub is crying out "more" and "harder" I don't have anything to feel guilty about.

 

[Quint]

[insert disclaimer because I'm curious, not inflammatory]

When my sub is crying out "more" and "harder" I don't have anything to feel guilty about.

The difference between you and T is that T prefers when I'm crying out "stop" and "no more, please." Does your comment apply only to guilt? Would you still take pleasure, even of the guilty kind, if you were causing enough pain to make her beg you to stop, although not enough to safeword out? I'm really not trying to play a "my Dom is more sadistic than you" game; I'm just trying to explain my thoughts on sadism. I define it as pain that exists primarily as pain. It could be welcomed; it could somehow transport me into subspace; but it's not pleasure and it's something I don't think I can enjoy past a certain point. And T enjoys all those steps, even when I'm not. Is that where you stand, albeit with guilt when it gets to that stage? Or are you mostly hurting your sub for HER enjoyment, rather than completely fulfilling yours? (Again, this is spoken solely out of curiosity. Read my "tone" as detached and scientific, not scornful in any way.)

 

[MzChrista]

Yes it does MzC. You always add to any discussion. I meant it. No BS. You are straight up.

Ebony

Thanks Eb. Sometimes i just feel like i dont keep up the level of some of the people here who are so good with words.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Thanks Eb. Sometimes i just feel like i dont keep up the level of some of the people here who are so good with words.

Yes but you are good at making yourself clear. That is often a better skill. And you sure can paint some great pictures!

Eb

 

[RisiaSkye]

This is a very interesting thread. Thanks for the read.

I consider myself both sadist and masochist. (As a Switch, it's hardly surprising, right?) I enjoy inflicting pain, albeit erotic pain, for its own sake--not just for the other person's satisfaction and the rush of making them feel good. Like Ebony said, it's the control thing. It does, however, still make me feel guilty sometimes; the idea that I *enjoy* hurting someone that I love is a brain-bender for me. Intellectually, I think those guilty feelings are bullshit. But emotionally, I feel strange about it--at least, some of the time I do.

As a masochist, I enjoy the sensation of pain. I actually can enjoy sharp sensations even in a non-sexual context. (Although I think that's the pyromaniac in me.) Like Dusty said, it's enjoyable on its own terms. But, I think this may actually have been an adaptive thing for me, something that started really early and in a non-sexual (in fact, presexual) context.

I have a strange, damaged neurological system, as my neck was broken as a baby, before the spinal bones hardened--so my pain response is physiologically abnormal. Thus, my body's processing of pain is a little unpredictable; in the sexual pain/masochism realm, sometimes my limits are all but non-existent, other times I'm hyper-sensitive and almost any stimulus quickly becomes excruciating and not at all fun. Those are the extremes, but I'm all over the map depending on the current state of my spinal alignment around the bone spurs in my neck.

For these reasons, I don't feel guilty about my masochism. Ain't life funny that way?

 

[MissTaken]

Not sure

if I am a true blue maso, yet.

I know that there are activities involving the pain/pleasure threshhold that are instrumental to my play.


I am exploring, always exploring and growing.

 

[MzChrista]

Re: Not sure

if I am a true blue maso, yet.

I know that there are activities involving the pain/pleasure threshhold that are instrumental to my play.


I am exploring, always exploring and growing.

And I bet you always will be so enjoy it baby.

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: [insert disclaimer because I'm curious, not inflammatory]

The difference between you and T is that T prefers when I'm crying out "stop" and "no more, please." Does your comment apply only to guilt? Would you still take pleasure, even of the guilty kind, if you were causing enough pain to make her beg you to stop, although not enough to safeword out? I'm really not trying to play a "my Dom is more sadistic than you" game; I'm just trying to explain my thoughts on sadism. I define it as pain that exists primarily as pain. It could be welcomed; it could somehow transport me into subspace; but it's not pleasure and it's something I don't think I can enjoy past a certain point. And T enjoys all those steps, even when I'm not. Is that where you stand, albeit with guilt when it gets to that stage? Or are you mostly hurting your sub for HER enjoyment, rather than completely fulfilling yours? (Again, this is spoken solely out of curiosity. Read my "tone" as detached and scientific, not scornful in any way.)

Quint, this is exactly what I was asking about.

I understand that one would not feel guilty if one's sub is begging for more and/or crying out in pleasure. What I am asking about is - when the pain/pleasure boundary is pushed and you see/know that it is just barely pleasurable for her (if at all) and this causes pleasure (erotic or otherwise) for you.

It seems inevitable, to me, that this will cause some guilt, at some point. It is still consensual, she is free to safeword out, but she doesn't and you enjoy watching her endure the pain.

I think Zip has found an effective way of looking at sexual sadism. In accepting it as a fetish (a variation), there is no longer a judgement attached, and one is free to enjoy with little, or no guilt.

 

[James Blandings]

I don't feel any guilt about enjoying "pain" when I am in submissive mode, or inflicting it when I am Dominant, for the simple reason that I don't believe in it. I consider "Pain" to be a psychological concept that is based on how we interpret a sensation.
Is someone who enjoys eating very spicy food a masochist? I don't think many people would say so, but that person is enjoying a "painful" sensation. But in that context we don't use the idea of pain, just sensation. If a person is struck with a whip and enjoys it, then I don't consider the feeling they experienced to be pain.

If a sadist enjoys inflicting pain for it's own sake, they would certainly not choose as a partner someone who processes their attempts to inflict it as pleasurable, and vice versa. So I don't really believe that very many people in BDSM are actually what *I* would call either sadists or masochists, although I certainly respect that others see themselves that way.

 

[Anastasia]

S/M

"I am not a masochist but I have a strong inner/mental craving for pain. I crave pain...I want it...to feel it....it's just that I can't take it. Make sense?...doesn't to me either. "

Doesn't make sense but I know exactly what you mean, I'm the same way. I do, however, consider myself a masochist because I know if I ever figure out how to "relax into it", I will have found my niche.

"The one time I did allow the pain to take over was, in fact, the only time I have ever reached "sub-space". "

Me too. It was only one time and I forced myself through it. That's when the real submissive mindset and feelings of deep, deep humility kicked in which I believe is what people refer to as "sub-space". (Is that correct? Don't everybody jump on me now...I'm new and fairly ignorant).

"But bdsm and this "pain" factor is something that I do need. "

Ditto again. I've known that I am masochistic from childhood but it never occurred to me to explore this facet of myself until I realized that my sex life has always been a "take it or leave it" state of affairs for me and that anything coming into my field of vision even remotely related to dominance, pain, etc. blows the top of my head right off. And something about turning 50 (years old) drives one to reassess one's life choices. Fortunately I'm divorced and free to explore the BDSM arena . Now if the kids would just move out, I could REALLY get going !!

Nice to meet you, Kristydoll.