Rules for How Men Think--Please Add Your Own

[SuperShyGuy]

One more.


1. Woman, you are NOT going into labour until this football game is over, do you understand me? Dammit just wait another couple of hours!

 

[STUDDOG]

A beautiful friend sent me this....laughed so hard I fell out of my chair...then began to cry out of control...my lifes over!!!!


Things For Men To Avoid During Sex


~ Not warning her before you climax: Sperm tastes like sea
water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it, dumb ass.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you shoot
your load so she can at least prepare herself.

~ Moving around during fellatio: Don't thrust. She'll do all
the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't
grab her head!

~ Taking etiquette advice from porn movies: In X-rated movies,
women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In
real life, it just means more laundry to do.

~ Making her ride on top for hours: Asking her to be on top
is fine. In fact, it's GREAT. However, lying there grunting
while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently,
so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
damn schooner. And let her have a rest every now and then.

~ Attempting anal sex and *pretending* it was an "accident:"
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And
don't even think that being drunk is an excuse.

~ Taking pictures: When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"
she'll hear the added words, " ... to show my buddies." At
least let her have custody of them.

~ Not being imaginative enough: Imagination is anything from
drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking
it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props;
hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no, without express
written consent.

~ Slapping your stomach against hers: There is no less erotic noise.
It's as sexy as a belching contest.


STUDDOG...REALLY CONFUSED

 

[RomanHans]

~ Attempting anal sex and *pretending* it was an "accident:"
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And
don't even think that being drunk is an excuse.

Isn't this just a natural progression from the teenage boy trick of sitting next to your date at a movie, pretending to yawn and stretch your arms, and then laying your arm around her shoulders?

Roman

 

[STUDDOG]

Isn't this just a natural progression from the teenage boy trick of sitting next to your date at a movie, pretending to yawn and stretch your arms, and then laying your arm around her shoulders?

Roman

Hi Roman.....it is the next natural progression for us men....there was an incident however in the movies with a girl and her popcorn box that may have come first....That damn salt hurt and burned for days

 

[Vinde]

Hi Roman.....it is the next natural progression for us men....there was an incident however in the movies with a girl and her popcorn box that may have come first....That damn salt hurt and burned for days

That was the funniest thing i've read in a long time, besides your first post here.

I wish men were more imaginative.

 

[RomanHans]

That was the funniest thing i've read in a long time, besides your first post here.

I wish men were more imaginative.

Are you kidding?? Then we would REALLY be dangerous!

Roman

 

[Vinde]

Are you kidding?? Then we would REALLY be dangerous!

Roman

yes, but then we might not care so much

 

[All by myself]

This thread kicks all kinds of ass.

The best part of being a man is that our predecessors did so little in the ways of romance that it's almosty impossible to not exceed expectations. Case in point. The first time I slept with my exgirlfriend I was hungry afterwards so I made a can of chicken noodle soup. It took five minutes, and afterwards I heard from her friends that I made dinner for her after our first time together. I just wanted some fucking soup!

 

[STUDDOG]

That was the funniest thing i've read in a long time, besides your first post here.

I wish men were more imaginative.

Thanks Vinde......keep smiling

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE
it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
lie still!"



Original List What Women Want

Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet





MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.




MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.


STUDDOG

 

[RomanHans]

Thanks, STUDDOG--that's definitely some words to remember!

Roman

 

[psyche]

Are you kidding?? Then we would REALLY be dangerous!

Roman

Baby, I love dangerous men! LOL!

I love this fucking thread!

 

[Vinde]

Thanks StudDog after the day I've had those help to keep me smiling.

 

[Top Cat]

Ummm.... yes, I think these are all true. What's the big deal...??? All us blokes knew this stuff to be true...

Why does it take females so long to realise the truth???

just kidding... unless you think I'm right!!! Then I'm not kidding...

 

[SuperShyGuy]

Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Um, are there any 52 year old women reading this thread? If so, I may just know a "friend" of mine you will like!

 

[RomanHans]

Baby, I love dangerous men! LOL!

I love this fucking thread!

Hey, have you been hanging out on the "Fuck" thread a bit too long?

I love the fact that you love this fucking thread!

Roman

 

[psyche]

Hey, have you been hanging out on the "Fuck" thread a bit too long?

I love the fact that you love this fucking thread!

Roman

ROFLMAO! Yes, I guess I fucking have! But this thread is too funny, I love men and I love all your quirks..........we don't even want to start a thread about women! LOL!