wicked woman
from my travels
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mrmgp said:
Call me naive but I think most times it does...just sometimes not as quickly as we'd like.
Relationship issues
- Thread starter loulou34
- Start date
Call me naive but I think most times it does...just sometimes not as quickly as we'd like.
littlesquirt
Literotica Guru
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Loulou,
I really don't have anything to add that already hasn't been said here, but just to further push the point:
If the time comes that you two are splitting up GET YOURSELF A LAWYER! ONE THAT KNOWS DIVORCE.
And this is coming from a guy recently divorced with 2 kids. You need to protect yourself and your kids, especially financially. Make him pay child support. Here in NY they have a program were the spouse can request child support be taken right from the paycheck. Thats what my ex did, I never see that money. I recommend you look into that if a divorce does happen.
Other than that I wish you the best of luck.
I really don't have anything to add that already hasn't been said here, but just to further push the point:
If the time comes that you two are splitting up GET YOURSELF A LAWYER! ONE THAT KNOWS DIVORCE.
And this is coming from a guy recently divorced with 2 kids. You need to protect yourself and your kids, especially financially. Make him pay child support. Here in NY they have a program were the spouse can request child support be taken right from the paycheck. Thats what my ex did, I never see that money. I recommend you look into that if a divorce does happen.
Other than that I wish you the best of luck.
pplwatching
Full grown man
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Lots of different views here, and this one more or less reiterates some of them but I think it's worth saying.
If you follow his plan then your fears and worries are going to eat you up. You need to take control of this situation if for no other reason than to make yourself feel like you had the balls to fight for your family. Show him that he did not make a mistake in marrying you, that you are one hell of a woman, and that he'd be a fool to leave you.
I like the sentiment of the 'grow the hell up' posts, if not the delivery. It bothers me that folks here jump from "trouble in the marriage" to getting a lawyer, no matter what he's said so far. He's not going to divorce you overnight, and unless you think he's about to go on a spending or gambling spree then it's premature to deal with severing credit at this point.
Time is not on your side here. The fact of the matter is (based on what you've said so far), that you have no idea what's eating at him. Maybe he's immature, maybe he just can't find a way to tell you that he feels overwhelmed by the family. Maybe he wants more sex but he feels terrible asking for sex. You really need to get to a marriage counselor. Here's some ideas of what to tell him :
o Insist that you immediately seek marriage counseling because a) you value your marriage and b) both of you owe the children their best shot at living in a loving two parent home.
o That you are a family.
o "Not being a family man" is too vague, you really want to explore what he's feeling.
o That you love him and want to work through this.
o Feeling overwhelmed is something that you can help with.
o Whatever it is that's eating at him, he might just be surprised by how understanding you'll be.
o Waiting for him to work through this alone is not fair to you or your marriage.
o Making him work through this alone is not fair to him.
o This needs to be addressed as a couple.
o You (you, not him) signed up for better or worse, and you realize that sometimes worse means working through painful issues together as a couple.
o If he's been unfaithful then you deserve to know about it so you can work through this together as a couple.
o You will not judge what he has to say (with the exception of infidelity), because sometimes just talking about something that seems overwhelming is theraputic.
Talk, coax, encourage, and use every opportunity you have to get him to open up and talk to you, or your marriage is doomed. This will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but get him to agree to counseling. Your gut will tell you to rebut, explain, and talk about everything he says but you need to listen.
Above all, make it clear that "waiting for him to decide" is completely unacceptable.
You can e-mail me if you want any other suggestions. It's pretty rare lately that I get enough time to browse the forums.
If you follow his plan then your fears and worries are going to eat you up. You need to take control of this situation if for no other reason than to make yourself feel like you had the balls to fight for your family. Show him that he did not make a mistake in marrying you, that you are one hell of a woman, and that he'd be a fool to leave you.
I like the sentiment of the 'grow the hell up' posts, if not the delivery. It bothers me that folks here jump from "trouble in the marriage" to getting a lawyer, no matter what he's said so far. He's not going to divorce you overnight, and unless you think he's about to go on a spending or gambling spree then it's premature to deal with severing credit at this point.
Time is not on your side here. The fact of the matter is (based on what you've said so far), that you have no idea what's eating at him. Maybe he's immature, maybe he just can't find a way to tell you that he feels overwhelmed by the family. Maybe he wants more sex but he feels terrible asking for sex. You really need to get to a marriage counselor. Here's some ideas of what to tell him :
o Insist that you immediately seek marriage counseling because a) you value your marriage and b) both of you owe the children their best shot at living in a loving two parent home.
o That you are a family.
o "Not being a family man" is too vague, you really want to explore what he's feeling.
o That you love him and want to work through this.
o Feeling overwhelmed is something that you can help with.
o Whatever it is that's eating at him, he might just be surprised by how understanding you'll be.
o Waiting for him to work through this alone is not fair to you or your marriage.
o Making him work through this alone is not fair to him.
o This needs to be addressed as a couple.
o You (you, not him) signed up for better or worse, and you realize that sometimes worse means working through painful issues together as a couple.
o If he's been unfaithful then you deserve to know about it so you can work through this together as a couple.
o You will not judge what he has to say (with the exception of infidelity), because sometimes just talking about something that seems overwhelming is theraputic.
Talk, coax, encourage, and use every opportunity you have to get him to open up and talk to you, or your marriage is doomed. This will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but get him to agree to counseling. Your gut will tell you to rebut, explain, and talk about everything he says but you need to listen.
Above all, make it clear that "waiting for him to decide" is completely unacceptable.
You can e-mail me if you want any other suggestions. It's pretty rare lately that I get enough time to browse the forums.
pplwatching
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loulou34 said:
Whoops, didn't see this bit. I still say go the marriage counseling route no matter what he's said so far.
If he refuses then you must remember first and foremost that you are no longer a couple. He can choose not to have legal counsel, but you can (and should) seek representation independently from him, and the fees are coming out of your joint assets. This is no longer about what he wants, or what's best for him. He gave up his right to be involved in your decisions when he chose to break up the marriage. You are now acting on the behalf of your own interests and those of your children. A lawyer will ensure that your will both receive everything that you are entitled to under the law.
Good luck
Private_Label
In the kink toddler pool
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Grrrr...
[bitter, angry, hurt memories here, please step carefully]
I don't know your SO so I can't judge his personality. However, 35 years ago my father did the same thing to my mother.
"Honey I'm going out to find myself. I don't know if I want to be a father and a husband."
"How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know."
"Don't expect me to be here when you get back."
Again, I don't know your SO, but my dad is a jackass who basically only had a wife and family for their "trophy" appeal (I don't mean "beautiful sexy wife" way) he wanted pictures to show his clients, but he didn't want spend any time at home developing a relationship with us.
Sorry, I'm venting. But even when we got together ~ 7 years later it he was still a jerk, only this time it took me about 4 years to learn that. He still doesn't get why I stopped going to visit him. (long story about emotional neglect and a trip to visit family members that I had to make my own arrangements to get home to my mother).
He was never willing to go to therapy with my mother, nor was he willing to go to family therapy with his children towork on the relationships with us.
It's up to you to decide if you will stay or go, but may I offer the following food for thought:
Are you certain he will continue to support you and his children without a court order? It takes two to create a child, you have 3 with him. He may not want to be a father, but he does have responsibilities to them at least until they graduate High School and College. Make certain you have it all in writing before he leaves. My mother made the mistake of trusting my father would give her what she needed to take care of me and my brother, and trusted her lawyer to make certain she got everything she deserved~ the lawyer didn't push for a ownership stake in his buisness at the time. His checks (when he remembered to send them) bounced more often than not.
Make certain that there is a plan to keep a roof over your head and food on the table before he sets on foot out the door. My mom ended up with half the house and none of my father's machinist buisness. If it hadn't been for my maternal grandmother loving us and letting us move in with her ~ I would have grown up in tenement/rent controlled housing in the worst parts of town.
If you want to wait for him, go for it, but please, please make sure that you will have necessities covered while he is gone. Take an accounting of everything now before he starts hiding ... sorry.
If there is a house, make sure your name is listed as Co-owner on the deed. Same for any cars, or other property. If there is a joint account, split the money into yours and his, so he can't empty the account on you. If there is a business, make certain you are listed as a partner and what percentage you own in your own name. It doesn't need to be a 50/50 split, but you want to ensure there is something of value in your name case he is a dead beat.
I want you to come out of this with your security blanket intact. My mother said that making certain that my brother and I had a roof over our heads, enough to eat, and clothing to wear, even if it was a bit worn and mended.
I wish you all the best, and hope everything turns out for the happier in the long term.
loulou34 said:
[bitter, angry, hurt memories here, please step carefully]
I don't know your SO so I can't judge his personality. However, 35 years ago my father did the same thing to my mother.
"Honey I'm going out to find myself. I don't know if I want to be a father and a husband."
"How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know."
"Don't expect me to be here when you get back."
Again, I don't know your SO, but my dad is a jackass who basically only had a wife and family for their "trophy" appeal (I don't mean "beautiful sexy wife" way) he wanted pictures to show his clients, but he didn't want spend any time at home developing a relationship with us.
Sorry, I'm venting. But even when we got together ~ 7 years later it he was still a jerk, only this time it took me about 4 years to learn that. He still doesn't get why I stopped going to visit him. (long story about emotional neglect and a trip to visit family members that I had to make my own arrangements to get home to my mother).
He was never willing to go to therapy with my mother, nor was he willing to go to family therapy with his children towork on the relationships with us.
It's up to you to decide if you will stay or go, but may I offer the following food for thought:
Are you certain he will continue to support you and his children without a court order? It takes two to create a child, you have 3 with him. He may not want to be a father, but he does have responsibilities to them at least until they graduate High School and College. Make certain you have it all in writing before he leaves. My mother made the mistake of trusting my father would give her what she needed to take care of me and my brother, and trusted her lawyer to make certain she got everything she deserved~ the lawyer didn't push for a ownership stake in his buisness at the time. His checks (when he remembered to send them) bounced more often than not.
Make certain that there is a plan to keep a roof over your head and food on the table before he sets on foot out the door. My mom ended up with half the house and none of my father's machinist buisness. If it hadn't been for my maternal grandmother loving us and letting us move in with her ~ I would have grown up in tenement/rent controlled housing in the worst parts of town.
If you want to wait for him, go for it, but please, please make sure that you will have necessities covered while he is gone. Take an accounting of everything now before he starts hiding ... sorry.
If there is a house, make sure your name is listed as Co-owner on the deed. Same for any cars, or other property. If there is a joint account, split the money into yours and his, so he can't empty the account on you. If there is a business, make certain you are listed as a partner and what percentage you own in your own name. It doesn't need to be a 50/50 split, but you want to ensure there is something of value in your name case he is a dead beat.
I want you to come out of this with your security blanket intact. My mother said that making certain that my brother and I had a roof over our heads, enough to eat, and clothing to wear, even if it was a bit worn and mended.
I wish you all the best, and hope everything turns out for the happier in the long term.
Last edited:
Private_Label
In the kink toddler pool
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wicked woman said:
So he has 10 children he has to support? Sounds like he will need to work 24/7 to take care of his football team he is building. Which leaves him little time to enjoy anything, let alone sex...
pplwatching
Full grown man
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I have a friend who's second husband is long since divorced, but in his case the former wife became a stay at home mom. Her rationale was that without him, she had to stay home. The State of Washington agreed, and she remained a stay at home mom *after* the divorce and right up until the moment that the 3rd kid graduated from high school this year. 100% of her living expenses, and the kids, came out of his check. I'm sure that was painful for him, but he met his obligation to the wife and kids. They jointly made decisions about the kids, and when he moved here from another state she followed. She sold the first and bought another house here.
All 3 kids are A students, and all now have scolarships. They are well adjusted, social, friendly kids who benefitted from having a stay at home mom.
A good way to do this is to keep the house and have the payments come out of his paycheck every month. Being a 'single' mom is nothing like being a married mom, no matter how little he helped out around the house. Get a lawyer to draw up the terms. You might even sweeten the deal by offering an 'until I remarry' clause, at which point you can remarry or not at your leasure.
Get a lawyer and take care of your kids best interests, because he obviously won't and there's no way to go undo a bad decision that you make because you want to "make it easy for everyone". Too much is at stake.
And try the counseling route first.
All 3 kids are A students, and all now have scolarships. They are well adjusted, social, friendly kids who benefitted from having a stay at home mom.
Private_Label said:
A good way to do this is to keep the house and have the payments come out of his paycheck every month. Being a 'single' mom is nothing like being a married mom, no matter how little he helped out around the house. Get a lawyer to draw up the terms. You might even sweeten the deal by offering an 'until I remarry' clause, at which point you can remarry or not at your leasure.
Get a lawyer and take care of your kids best interests, because he obviously won't and there's no way to go undo a bad decision that you make because you want to "make it easy for everyone". Too much is at stake.
And try the counseling route first.
HollyHawkk
Really Experienced
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This is a tough time for all involved! I learned to cope by taking good care of my self, eating right, exercise. I tried to stick to my daily routines as much as possible. sometimes I had to be creative to fill in some of the thing that he use to do around the house. I discovered that I could run a gas lawn mower with out cuting my toes off. My kids were 12, 6, 5. Reward your self for getting things done even the small stuff. Try to focus on the positive stuff you still have going on in your life, your amazing kids. Make a list of all the things you wanted to do or see, that your husband was not interested in and find a friend to do them with. Try to take mental breaks from the grief, ex. I refused to think about the ex while I watched E.R. ( that takes practice)
With kids I think that it helps if you can keep there routines as much as you can. Make plans to have an outing with them or a family games night or watch a movie with them. My middle son was really convinced that with out Daddy being here we were not a family still. Planning theese activities got there minds off of the situation and gave them something to look forward to, I think that it brought us closer togeather as a family. I proved to my kids that we could do it cause I know they were scared. My youngest thought that maybe I would leave to~ once he relized that I was not going anywere he mellowed out.
My family situation is not perfect but we do have our good days.
I know it hurts like hell, you can get through it! Maybe if you can afford to keep the house do'nt try to sell it right away, this was not your idea it was his, this is a big enough change for you and your kids right now with out having to worry about moving away from thier friends and family members. Use guilt if you have to.
I to belive in karma!
Living well is the best revenge!!
With kids I think that it helps if you can keep there routines as much as you can. Make plans to have an outing with them or a family games night or watch a movie with them. My middle son was really convinced that with out Daddy being here we were not a family still. Planning theese activities got there minds off of the situation and gave them something to look forward to, I think that it brought us closer togeather as a family. I proved to my kids that we could do it cause I know they were scared. My youngest thought that maybe I would leave to~ once he relized that I was not going anywere he mellowed out.
My family situation is not perfect but we do have our good days.
I know it hurts like hell, you can get through it! Maybe if you can afford to keep the house do'nt try to sell it right away, this was not your idea it was his, this is a big enough change for you and your kids right now with out having to worry about moving away from thier friends and family members. Use guilt if you have to.
I to belive in karma!
Living well is the best revenge!!
marriedmanseeks
Really Really Experienced
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I promised till death parts us, and we are still together.
On the other hand I do get some extra marital fun through Lit!
Not sure how this fits in.
On the other hand I do get some extra marital fun through Lit!
Not sure how this fits in.
FurryFury
Addict of Sensation
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loulou34 said:
Hi loulou34,
No, sorry, you can't trust him now and you do need an attorney honey. This needs to be your attorney to, not a shared one. He doesn't want one? Great gives you more advantage. As much and you might want to be the good sweet girl? This is not the time for it. You have to secure you and your children's future legally as much as you can.
You can do it. It's hard I know but you can and you will, I'm sure.
You are getting great advice here, follow it.
*hugs*
Fury
wicked woman
from my travels
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Private_Label said:
He has 10 children. I've always supported our two but the rest are his responsibility...well our two were too but that wasn't going to happen.
Little time for sex? Well the man had 7 biological children! I think he found a little time
But yes he's been busy working, commuting, looking after the kids and the home. *snickers**sorry for the hijack loulou...as stated you need to look after/protect your children and yourself...NOW...loving him is a luxury at the moment...I too loved my husband when we separated...but his decisions put him at the end of the line...after our kids and me...your husband just put himself at the bottom of the line too*
Bacteriophage68
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Lustin Kink
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I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all this. No, it's not feasible for him to expect you to keep the status quo while he makes up his mind on what he wants. Fact of it is, he accepted his responsibilities for life when he said "I do." Because you truly love him, keep the communication going. Always know his mind and heart. Good luck to you. I hope this works out for the best for all concerned.
~Lustin
~Lustin
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