Relationship advice?

[ghostgurrl13]

Hey...haven't been here for a while.

I'm really struggling with something, and I thought maybe I could get some advice on it.

I am happily engaged to a wonderful, loving, sexy man with long hair (important!! ). But I have also fallen head over heels for one of my friends (lets call him Al)...who also happens to be in a relationship with a beautiful, sweet girl. He and I spend a but of time together and I can totally tell there is chemistry. I can't stop thinking about him...now, my fiance knows and he's fine with it, but my friend's girl is not as open as my fiance and I are, and I don't even know about what Al thinks. And to top it all off, Al and I flirt a bit here and there, all in fun of course...just minor comments and looks.

So basically I am struggling with wanting someone I cannot have, which has almost always been an issue for me. I keep hoping that maybe someday they will open up, because I have emotional feelings for both of them, as well as sexual attraction. But I feel like this hope is just causing me more frustration...any advice?

 

[silverwhisper]

ghostgurrl: how far off is the wedding?

i think there's a good chance that part of your attraction, at least right now, might be because wedding planning is a serious PITA. "al" might represent a safe haven from the chaos that involves.

i think you really need to do a little soul searching here.

i keep hoping that maybe someday they will open up, because i have emotional feelings for both of them

does "have emotional feelings" = love? or merely fondness and lust?

does your fiancee know everything there is to know here? that you've fallen head over heels for another man even though you're engaged to him? i somehow have a great deal of difficulty believing that's true.

if you and al have always flirted the way that you do now, that's OK. but if something's different now, that needs to stop. and i have difficulty believing you don't know that.

ed

 

[spankygrrl]

Hey there, I was in a similar situation, only I was "Al's" girl. My husband, then fiance was involved in a similar relationship with someone who was supposedly my best friend. She even admitted to me that he was what she considered "safe" and made her feel the feelings you would have in a new relationship. However once everyones true feelings came out after the "honeymoon" period, people got hurt and we are no longer friends. The reason that is, was lines were crossed because they felt too "safe". Just something to be aware of when you are thinking about whats going on. Good luck with it all!

 

[ghostgurrl13]

Yeah, my fiancee and I believe in polyamory, and he knows the fullness of my emotions for"al". We are very open sexually and emotionally. I'm too loving of a person though...I love most people to some extent, and then when you add in monumental admiration and sexual attraction its a recipe for...well, something. However, NO ONE has the same definition of love as everyone else, so even if I would describe my feelings for them as love, you might not. I would die before I pressured them to anything.

Its partly because al is something my fiancee isn't that I have always wanted...a musician, and an extremely talented one at that...his music is a big part of it too I think, because the music he makes touches me in a way that a lot of music doesn't. Listening to someone's music is like connecting on a soul level in a way. He also parties more than my fiancee (who is a homebody who would rather stay in and play video games than go out drinking and dancing).

What is hilarious is that when I get drunk around him and his girlfriend, I always end up latching on to his girlfriend, talking for hours about girl stuff and getting a little touchy feely...I think the last two times he has complained jokingly that I tried to steal his girlfriend or something. What's THAT mean?

 

[silverwhisper]

ghostgurrl: OK, so long as everything b/n you and your fiance is all right. to me, that was most important.

is al aware that you and your fiance are into polyamory? if so, he's probably got some kind of inkling about where your head is. his gf however is a great big question mark. if al isn't aware, he's probably watched you and his gf go at it in his fantasies a lot of times. :>

ed

 

[ghostgurrl13]

ghostgurrl: OK, so long as everything b/n you and your fiance is all right. to me, that was most important.

is al aware that you and your fiance are into polyamory? if so, he's probably got some kind of inkling about where your head is. his gf however is a great big question mark. if al isn't aware, he's probably watched you and his gf go at it in his fantasies a lot of times. :>

ed

That I do not know. Last party I was at I remember very little, but I do remember telling his girl about how we were into polyamory. She may have told him or she may have kept it a secret. I don't know for sure about him but she seemed to have the typical "oh, that's fine if other people want to do it but I just don't think I'd ever be that way..." attitude (which, by the way, is exactly the way I was like, 3 years ago)

And I remember one of the other guys being like, "its ok dude, I have a video camera" when I was giving her a back rub haha. Oh, I have such good times with them.

 

[lyinaboutitall]

Here's my opinion...and we all know what opinions are...right?
But here goes...I think that you should postpone the wedding.
Get your head on straight. It is evident that you are "swooning" over "Al"
but he apparently doesn't see enough in you to dump the girlfriend and start a relationship with you. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel to want something so bad despite what you already have but none of that is healthy for you. Life is too short...you got make yourself happy.

 

[ghostgurrl13]

Here's my opinion...and we all know what opinions are...right?
But here goes...I think that you should postpone the wedding.
Get your head on straight. It is evident that you are "swooning" over "Al"
but he apparently doesn't see enough in you to dump the girlfriend and start a relationship with you. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel to want something so bad despite what you already have but none of that is healthy for you. Life is too short...you got make yourself happy.

I wouldn't want him to dump his girlfriend to start a relationship with me! Unless...well, even with polyamory, he would probably need a primary relationship and I couldn't be a primary to two people. I'm not a monogamist, but I still love my fiance. Ironically though, our wedding has been postponed for other rational reasons, like, what would we do about health insurance since neither of us has a job? We are engaged but there is no date set.

I don't know what exactly you mean by "getting my head on straight" because I think, from my experience, that I will always have these sorts of affections and passions for others...I just wasn't made a monogamist. So...I don't know, might you be able to clarify on this point?

 

[kittyn_]

I don't know what exactly you mean by "getting my head on straight" because I think, from my experience, that I will always have these sorts of affections and passions for others...I just wasn't made a monogamist. So...I don't know, might you be able to clarify on this point?

I hear you, loud and clear. Unfortunately my male isn't so understanding about my mentality.

Here's my opinion...and we all know what opinions are...right?
But here goes...I think that you should postpone the wedding.
Get your head on straight. It is evident that you are "swooning" over "Al"
but he apparently doesn't see enough in you to dump the girlfriend and start a relationship with you. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel to want something so bad despite what you already have but none of that is healthy for you. Life is too short...you got make yourself happy.

I don't see the point in giving advice to 'get your head on straight' if both partners are all right with the situation. The only confusion expressed was about what to do with her friend 'Al' without possibly ruining the friendship. She never said that she loves male #2 more than her fiancé, or even that should would rather have him.

Some of us just aren't wired the the same way. I can tell you that I have never stopped loving any of my serious exes. We may have had irreconcilable differences that killed the relationship, but I still love them and would fit them into my life if I could. I find myself blurring past the boundary of 'friend' quite often, the only stopping factor for me is my male isn't comfortable 'competing' with another guy. His words, not mine.

Anyway, as for advice on the original question, I'd say you're screwed. 'Al' obviously is attached to his girl, his girl is NOT comfortable with sharing, or so your posts have implied. Until something there changes, he's off limits, in my opinion. I'm going to assume he isn't so dense that he doesn't get it, but you have to respect his boundaries. Even if he's game for it, he may be in a situation like mine where while he may like, or even love you, there's already a relationship there that he is not going to compromise. You can sit down and talk to him, preferably with his girl and your fiance there, and explain what you're feeling like/thinking about, but that could blow up in your face if your not careful. And whatever you do, don't make it an attack, in any way, on the girlfriend or her morality/beliefs.

 

[ghostgurrl13]

Anyway, as for advice on the original question, I'd say you're screwed. 'Al' obviously is attached to his girl, his girl is NOT comfortable with sharing, or so your posts have implied. Until something there changes, he's off limits, in my opinion. I'm going to assume he isn't so dense that he doesn't get it, but you have to respect his boundaries. Even if he's game for it, he may be in a situation like mine where while he may like, or even love you, there's already a relationship there that he is not going to compromise. You can sit down and talk to him, preferably with his girl and your fiance there, and explain what you're feeling like/thinking about, but that could blow up in your face if your not careful. And whatever you do, don't make it an attack, in any way, on the girlfriend or her morality/beliefs.

Thanks kittyn. You get me! Yeah...I don't think I am probably going to take any action right now...I wouldn't have the guts to have that discussion, because it could easily blow up in my face like you said. I can tell my man anything and he'll still love me...but if I bring this little bit of chemistry "Al" and I have to the surface, it could screw up his relationship or our friendship or both, and I don't want any of that. I just don't like to think that I am screwed...lol

 

[kittyn_]

Sorry, just calling it like I see it.

From the sounds of it you might have some luck getting in his girls pants though

 

[ghostgurrl13]

<quagmire> hehe. alll right... </quagmire>

 

[Mac98]

Giggitty Giggitty Goo!

 

[subwannabe]

I probably shouldn't respond to this but I guess I have to put my two cents in anyway. I come to this site because I am more non-vanilla than the average guy and I see many here who have successful relationships which are out of the norm. There's nothing wrong with that. But, I have to say my opinion is that you are probably fairly young and naive, to some extent. I don't believe you are mature enough to realize that you are going down a road which can easily get very fucked up and lead to, well, a very fucked up and unhappy life. A lot of bad shit can come down. I'm assuming that you've never been married but at least 50% of marriages don't work out and often, when they don't, lots of bad shit can happen. It takes strong relationships to have a successful out of the norm marriage and I just don't think you are there yet or have any idea of how much shit can go wrong when it doesn't work out. I second the advice of putting off the marriage until there is absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind that an unconventional marriage will work out without the sky falling in.

 

[Noor]

I think you are playing with fire and should back off a bit.

the stats on marriage closer to 33% working out.

Just curious, what happens if long haired guy goes bald?

 

[ghostgurrl13]

I think you are playing with fire and should back off a bit.

the stats on marriage closer to 33% working out.

Just curious, what happens if long haired guy goes bald?

lol...well, he's bald then I guess, it just happens to be something that catches my initial attention.

For all you "older and mature" people, for your information, I've been through a lot of shit and I don't take to kindly to people assuming I am naive merely because of my age. I have already faced my mortality, and expect to die young, so I am going to live while I goddamn can. And ACTUALLY, the stat in America as of 2009 is that about 44% of marriages FAIL...granted that is still high...I know because I just finished a class on the history of love and marriage. I also just finished doing a research project on Polyamory for that class, because I have been curious about it for awhile, and after that project and that gathering of knowledge, then I decided for certain that it would be the best for me. My man has been open to polyamory for much longer than I have, and he's been through hell and back already too, so don't go talking as if we know nothing about marriage and the sacrifices and work it takes just because we are young and haven't been married yet. I may not know everything, but I know enough to make educated and rational decisions. I think people my age are much more realistic about marriage and relationships than an older person might care to acknowledge.

I am surprised so many people on this site are so close-minded to polyamory...I was really expecting more openness from this crowd. I am glad at least one person offered helpful advice, but really people, maybe you should learn about polyamory before you go saying that someone is naive just because they believe in the lifestyle. Monogamy has been pounded in our heads from birth, but that doesn't mean it is natural...its primarily religious, and many people can only reach full happiness through a polyamorous lifestyle.

I don't mean to insult anyone, I just don't appreciate comments that assume my naivety...calling someone naive is an insult, I'm sorry, don't call me naive. There are nicer ways to say that I don't know everything. And even if I don't know everything, it is unkind to assume I am not a rational being and that I haven't thought on my own a lot about this.

P.S. if you are actually interested in knowing more about polyamory, check out "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, ISBN: 1587613379 its really enlightening. Even if the lifestyle isn't for you, it might help you understand people who are, and its always better to be empathetic towards people than to judge them and condemn them.

 

[bronzeage]

Hey...haven't been here for a while.

I'm really struggling with something, and I thought maybe I could get some advice on it.

I am happily engaged to a wonderful, loving, sexy man with long hair (important!! ). But I have also fallen head over heels for one of my friends (lets call him Al)...who also happens to be in a relationship with a beautiful, sweet girl. He and I spend a but of time together and I can totally tell there is chemistry. I can't stop thinking about him...now, my fiance knows and he's fine with it, but my friend's girl is not as open as my fiance and I are, and I don't even know about what Al thinks. And to top it all off, Al and I flirt a bit here and there, all in fun of course...just minor comments and looks.

So basically I am struggling with wanting someone I cannot have, which has almost always been an issue for me. I keep hoping that maybe someday they will open up, because I have emotional feelings for both of them, as well as sexual attraction. But I feel like this hope is just causing me more frustration...any advice?

Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore made a movie about this.

If you are this distracted by someone else, after you have told a man you will marry him, it's a sign you need to stop and think about things.

 

[subwannabe]

I'm curious as to why you expect to die young. It sounds to me like you lead a very reckless lifestyle and are going to grab everything you can while you can. To each his own but I would think a normal happy person who doesn't have severe issues would rather live a long and happy life. I don't mean to judge anyone on a polyamory lifestyle because some can live a happy long life like that but you yourself say you don't expect that to happen. I think you should fix your personal issues so that you can live a long and happy life in whatever lifestyle you choose.

 

[ghostgurrl13]

I'm curious as to why you expect to die young. It sounds to me like you lead a very reckless lifestyle and are going to grab everything you can while you can. To each his own but I would think a normal happy person who doesn't have severe issues would rather live a long and happy life. I don't mean to judge anyone on a polyamory lifestyle because some can live a happy long life like that but you yourself say you don't expect that to happen. I think you should fix your personal issues so that you can live a long and happy life in whatever lifestyle you choose.

I would rather live longer but I had a heart transplant around 3 years ago, and am not counting on it lasting forever(it may last 20 years if I am really good) and there is a good chance I won't get a second one, though I might. That's why I expect to die young. Expect the worst and hope for the best is my motto. I don't live recklessly but I am not going to not do something just because people think it is abnormal or weird.

 

[satindesire]

Here's what I've seen.

You're with Number One.

You also like Number Two.

Number Two has a girl and isn't keen on being with you.

So, you need to stop hanging out with Number Two so much. The feelings will fade, if you distance yourself. The feelings WILL NOT fade if you continue the path you're going, leading you to eventually feel resentment, heartbreak and possibly anger towards your Number One.

 

[mntcmn]

why?

Why is it you can't "have" Al, to love and do whatever the two of you decide is what you want to do? It is his responsibility to be exclusive or not be exclusive to his inamorata. It is your responsibility to take care of ghostgurll and your fiancee.

 

[newideas]

Don't all parties involved have to be all in. That's what I see. Plenty of other polyamorists in the sea. Some that might even appeal to your wilder girl massaging side. I'd say try it on for size without al but with someone else you can make a connection with and see how it fits between you and the fiancee.

Even einstein and the catholc church have admitted to bad ideas. (The former more often than the latter I expect.). My point is its one thing to think another to do. Then again einstein and the church have also turned down good ideas so... You gotta live your life.

I still like my idea of a test spin with someone else other than al to see if the fiancee is as open as he thinks and your as committed as you think that the idea works for you.

 

[ghostgurrl13]

I think we'll stick with double dates and see if anything happens. If not, so be it. Its not something that can be rushed, nor is it something that should be abandoned I feel. But I can't just stop hanging out with him...we see each other at least once a week. This is unavoidable and I don't want to avoid him frankly. I enjoy his company even as a friend. The issue is, I don't want to lose our friendship. And its not that he isn't keen on being with me...I don't know that. In fact, I am pretty sure he is attracted to me. But he may not be keen on poly relationships, he may not be keen on sharing. I don't know. But...I'm not giving up our friendship just because my pussy can't shut the fuck up.

As far as a "test run" with someone else....I don't see that happening. Yeah there are other polyamorous couples "out there"...wayyy out there. But I may not be attracted to or have feelings for them, and I am not fucking them if I don't. Polyamory isn't very widespread...there are some 500,000 polyamorous couples in the USA. Most i have met online are rather old, and pardon me but I would rather not have sex with someone who could be my father. And I am pretty picky when it comes to attraction.

There is no easy solution to this.

 

[Guest]

I kind of agree on the whole letting "Al" be thing. Everyone wants something they can't have. You're not the only one. The thing here is that you could potentially (in order to listen to your feelings and seeing as how YOU already have a relationship with a man that loves you no matter what) ruin a relationship between two people that don't necessarily share your beliefs about polyamory. I personally don't think its fair, since all you have to lose is his friendship but he might lose his girlfriend. In any case, I think you should probably not act on it. I'm not into polyamory but I totally understand what you're feeling. I went through a similar situation but I never took my chances because I am monogamous. I feel the best thing to do is think and think and think and figure out what your feelings actually are and if its really worth it. Good luck with it!


and also, I hate it when people that don't know you assume things that aren't true. Like saying you live a reckless lifestyle. thats just dumb.

 

[ghostgurrl13]

Thanks! I appreciate your comments alot SadieLust. I think I agree with you. I care about them, I don't want to mess up their relationship.

Anyway, I've kind of...idk, phased out of the uncontrollableness of it. Mostly because I haven't seen him in a while. But I am pretty good friends with his girlfriend, I'd like to keep my friends. If they ever choose to explore it, great, otherwise, I'll be happy to keep them as friends...and just fantasize. LOL. That's what writing is for haha.