Reflections on Gentleman Doms

Food for thought

One size does not fit all!

I read a lot of bullshit on this site. An opinion piece I read awhile back appeared to describe exactly what you should expect from every Dominant male, really got me thinking. This piece has been reblogged and liked by many, including some bloggers who’s overall opinion on matters pertaining to D/s I value highly. Frankly, this piece not only sat uncomfortably with me, I also found some of its ludicrous generalizations absolutely laughable.

The piece in question talked about how outwardly confident a Dom would be. How successful he would be in his chosen profession. Even going so far as to state that a Dominant man will not be desperate for a woman’s attention, as he can get dates or get laid anywhere, by finding women any place, including at the store (paraphrased).

Whilst I accept that there are some genuine behaviors and personality traits that will be evident in most Dominant men, and some of the informative pieces that float around the Tumblrverse, are very helpful to highlight what behaviors a good Dom will exude (as opposed to a narcissistic fuck boy); trying to pigeonhole every Dom into a set of exact characteristics is ridiculous.

Dominant men might not hold court and be enthusiastically confident in every setting. There is just as much chance that they could be more reserved in social situations. Dominant men may be averagely successful in their careers. They don’t necessarily have to be ground breakingly successful, run a multi-million pound/dollar business venture, or wear a Rolex.

Now, for the money shot. A Dominant man does not necessarily have the ability to get dates or get laid whenever and wherever he chooses. What utter codswallop! I still get nervous approaching women. I used to hate approaching women in bars, when I was a younger man. If I start to build a connection with a woman, I do want her attention, I do like speaking with her. I don’t believe I can have any woman whenever I choose, nor do I want to be able to.

To conclude, Dominant men are human. We can, and do sometimes, suffer with anxiety, depression, sadness, and all the other plethora of emotions. We are not Gods walking among lesser men. We do struggle sometimes, we do fuck things up, we are not perfect. Being a Dom, does not give me, or any other man for that matter, superpowers. Nor does it make us any less individual.
One size does not fit all!

Copyright 2018 @fantasies-of-a-dominant​
 
Great find, cas!:rose:

I think it's important that we're all on the same page in describing what we mean by 'dominant.' An extroverted, type-A personality is not the same thing as a sexual Dominant, or as someone who is dominant within their relationships. A Dominant in the bdsm sense can just as easily be an introvert. And being an 'alpha personality' outside the bedroom does not guarantee that a man will be dominant in bed. Ask me how i know. :rolleyes:

As ever, communication is key!

What do you all think of when you hear the phrase 'dominant man'? Where do you want your partner to be in charge? How important is it to you that he be the leader in all areas? Or do you want him to lead in just one or two?

My personal preference is for my partner to be dominant both in the bedroom and in our relationship, but i feel most grounded with someone who tends to be a quiet, steady personality, to balance my outgoing, spontaneous one. Which doesn't mean he's not a leader at work or out in the world, only that he doesn't do it with a lot of fanfare.

What are your preferences, and why? :)
 
Great find, cas!:rose:

I think it's important that we're all on the same page in describing what we mean by 'dominant.' An extroverted, type-A personality is not the same thing as a sexual Dominant, or as someone who is dominant within their relationships. A Dominant in the bdsm sense can just as easily be an introvert. And being an 'alpha personality' outside the bedroom does not guarantee that a man will be dominant in bed. Ask me how i know. :rolleyes:

As ever, communication is key!

What do you all think of when you hear the phrase 'dominant man'? Where do you want your partner to be in charge? How important is it to you that he be the leader in all areas? Or do you want him to lead in just one or two?

My personal preference is for my partner to be dominant both in the bedroom and in our relationship, but i feel most grounded with someone who tends to be a quiet, steady personality, to balance my outgoing, spontaneous one. Which doesn't mean he's not a leader at work or out in the world, only that he doesn't do it with a lot of fanfare.

What are your preferences, and why? :)


I want both dominance, but also someone who truly sees me as an equal and understands that my voice and leadership capacity is as strong as anyone's.
I want structure and a safe place. But I also want to serve as a safe place for him.
Dominance for me is best when it is subtle in daily life and turned on high for intimacy...esp if he allows me to express preferences and act on my own desires. I do not want to be passive in this enterprise.
 
What Casie said.

Plus, as far as confidence is concerned, I've always been far less concerned about the *appearance* of confidence than I am over concern and confidence in care taking. No one feels assured in every aspect of life. What is important to me is knowing my Dominant has the desire, and the willingness, to step outside their comfort zone when it comes to taking care of me.

Glad to see this thread resurrected. :)

I want both dominance, but also someone who truly sees me as an equal and understands that my voice and leadership capacity is as strong as anyone's.
I want structure and a safe place. But I also want to serve as a safe place for him.
Dominance for me is best when it is subtle in daily life and turned on high for intimacy...esp if he allows me to express preferences and act on my own desires. I do not want to be passive in this enterprise.
 
Great find, cas!:rose:

I think it's important that we're all on the same page in describing what we mean by 'dominant.' An extroverted, type-A personality is not the same thing as a sexual Dominant, or as someone who is dominant within their relationships. A Dominant in the bdsm sense can just as easily be an introvert. And being an 'alpha personality' outside the bedroom does not guarantee that a man will be dominant in bed. Ask me how i know. :rolleyes:

As ever, communication is key!

What do you all think of when you hear the phrase 'dominant man'? Where do you want your partner to be in charge? How important is it to you that he be the leader in all areas? Or do you want him to lead in just one or two?

What are your preferences, and why? :)

After giving this some thought ~ *grins*

When I hear someone say "dominant man" I first wonder what type of dominant man they mean. There are so many variations, most that you've already described. But, some may confuse it with "domineering man". I've learned the hard way that they are worlds apart!

I want my dominant to be my equal, first and last. He doesn't have to be a leader at work, but most often the type that isn't afraid to take the lead when necessary.
I want him to dominate all areas of our relationship...let me try to explain.

He doesn't have to be bossy and give me a list of things to do...but, if he sees I'm procrastinating or struggling, he talks to me about it. If he sees I've been sick, he makes sure I am taking care of myself. It's the fact HE NOTICED or he knows me well enough to come alongside and gently lead. Then, he pins my hands to the bed and...well, dominates there, too.

Maybe that's asking a lot of someone but I really don't think so. It just needs to be the RIGHT someone.
 
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This was just lovely!:rose:

I learned English country dancing a couple of years ago, and by happy coincindence, my partner most often was a young man who clearly had natural dominant tendencies. He was a wonderful dance partner. He said not to look at my feet, or worry about the steps, but to look at him. He told me to follow where he led with his hands, and I would get to where I needed to be. He maintained eye contact with me as much as was practical, and - the most charming thing! - he softly sang the steps to me as we danced.

I was a complete novice, but in his arms I felt like a seasoned dancer. I trusted him and let him lead, and we had a marvelous time together. :)

I'm happy to say that we're still friends, and he's been a trusted mentor to me over the years, adding loads of value and zero chaos.👌
 
Funny you bumped this thread, I was thinking about it the other day when we were talking about J. 😊
I saw it near the end of my "subscribed threads". I'll admit to reading through most of it again, but it's caused me to miss so many people who were around at the beginning of this thread. Some were still here when I arrived. I miss them being around.
 
I saw it near the end of my "subscribed threads". I'll admit to reading through most of it again, but it's caused me to miss so many people who were around at the beginning of this thread. Some were still here when I arrived. I miss them being around.

I feel that. Some of them occupied a lot of real estate in my heart (and me knickers!) for a good, long time.
 
I saw this pop on my watch list and since I knew you were back I was sure it had to be you that bumped it.
Howdy stranger! You doing okay?
And yes, I owe you a PM
I'm well, thank you. :heart: Hope all is the same in your corner of the interwebs.

You owe me nothing. If of your own volition you would like to message me, I would welcome such correspondence.
 
I miss this thread and all those folks who used to post here.

Though, I'm pretty sure there are many who fit that bill who are posting currently.

Just one quick thought: a gentleman doesn't always wear a suit. Who he is comes from the inside, not what he can pull out from the wardrobe.
 
I miss this thread and all those folks who used to post here.

Though, I'm pretty sure there are many who fit that bill who are posting currently.

Just one quick thought: a gentleman doesn't always wear a suit. Who he is comes from the inside, not what he can pull out from the wardrobe.
I miss this thread too. I hope my posting on it will help people find it... read through the many gems here and add to its wisdom.

😊
 
I want both dominance, but also someone who truly sees me as an equal and understands that my voice and leadership capacity is as strong as anyone's.
I want structure and a safe place. But I also want to serve as a safe place for him.
Dominance for me is best when it is subtle in daily life and turned on high for intimacy...esp if he allows me to express preferences and act on my own desires. I do not want to be passive in this enterprise.
Mmmmm. Love the sound of this
 
There's a bunch of gentlemen around here that would have smart things to add. Let's see if we can round a few of them up?

@Mrtenant
@LupineOne
@UnquietDreams
@Purple_Fronds
I've enjoyed reading back through this thread too. There have been so many thought-provoking discussions on Lit over the years which are still a great read today.

It would be great to have more input from men here - and that is a sentence I never expected to write on Lit. The majority of the posts here are from women, and it has been very enlightening, and personally reassuring, to read what they like about Gentleman Doms and why they like it.

I'd love to hear more about what other men feel and want too. What does the natural partner for a Gentleman Dom look like?
 
I've enjoyed reading back through this thread too. There have been so many thought-provoking discussions on Lit over the years which are still a great read today.

It would be great to have more input from men here - and that is a sentence I never expected to write on Lit. The majority of the posts here are from women, and it has been very enlightening, and personally reassuring, to read what they like about Gentleman Doms and why they like it.

I'd love to hear more about what other men feel and want too. What does the natural partner for a Gentleman Dom look like?
Having recently encountered remarkable events in my locality over the last few years, I might have some insight. It all centers around what you can do, what you say. Because ultimately, that's the only thing you have any real control of anyway.

I do my stuff, consistently. My constancy, inspires others. Sometimes terrifies them. I have my code and I live by it, always. Unfortunately not perfectly, but I always strive for living up to my own ideals.

My natural partner(s) recognize that. Appreciate that in me. It is something that inspires hope in them especially in a world where there is so much shallowness. They almost always support me and my works. They appreciate my honest effort and attitude. They appreciate most of my complexities.

Example: my spouse, looks to me for strength, decision making, to handle crises, she can count on all that and more. She does not appreciate my wilder nature. But it's part of the package. I make few apologies for it.

I feel like I must be doing something right when absolute strangers ask me if I'm an angel, others who say they will do anything for me, or ask me to lead an organization. My consistent passion and enthusiasm for what I do inspires others.

I appreciate these things from people. It helps keep me going. Becomes a feedback loop. When people are inspired by my actions, and do amazing things because of it, I don't want to disappoint even though sometimes I do. I want them to succeed. I support and protect them. We become some sort of collective. Hard to explain. Therein are my partners.

Appreciate, love, protect, and inspire your people. Your partners will come forward. You will recognize them even as they recognize you. Trust yourself. Mistakes happen. So what? Life is clumsy at times. Cry about it a minute and move on. Keep moving forward. Take your partners with you.
 
I want both dominance, but also someone who truly sees me as an equal and understands that my voice and leadership capacity is as strong as anyone's.
I want structure and a safe place. But I also want to serve as a safe place for him.
Dominance for me is best when it is subtle in daily life and turned on high for intimacy...esp if he allows me to express preferences and act on my own desires. I do not want to be passive in this enterprise.
I think I get this.

Let me know if I misinterpreted.

But for me … I crave a submissive to be my equal. Yeah, I gotta be on top and in control.

But out there in the world, control is an illusion and I want to take on the world with my gal who wants to take on the world with me.
 
I think I get this.

Let me know if I misinterpreted.

But for me … I crave a submissive to be my equal. Yeah, I gotta be on top and in control.

But out there in the world, control is an illusion and I want to take on the world with my gal who wants to take on the world with me.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Bravo!
 
It would be great to have more input from men here - and that is a sentence I never expected to write on Lit. The majority of the posts here are from women, and it has been very enlightening, and personally reassuring, to read what they like about Gentleman Doms and why they like it.
This.

Some of my most helpful conversations on Lit have been with Dominants. They've been able to bring clarity to issues that have been obscure to my view. Too, for those of us who may not be center of the bell curve in our submissive tastes and needs, exposure to differing Dominant perspectives can be greatly reassuring and informative.

I do my stuff, consistently. My constancy, inspires others. Sometimes terrifies them. I have my code and I live by it, always. Unfortunately not perfectly, but I always strive for living up to my own ideals.
Every bit. Constancy and consistency are so crucial. Sometimes it can be scary, but it equates to stability and security. It's hard to submit without trust.

I appreciate these things from people. It helps keep me going. Becomes a feedback loop. When people are inspired by my actions, and do amazing things because of it, I don't want to disappoint even though sometimes I do. I want them to succeed. I support and protect them. We become some sort of collective. Hard to explain. Therein are my partners.
This is nice. I want to be inspired. To strive for better. And it needs to be a loop, at least for me. If I'm not offering some supportive return it lessens my sense of value to the relationship and makes me question the stability of the foundation.
 
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