Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[EvaLane]

There are quite a lot of gems, like this one, on this thread.

Maybe you'd like to share a little about why that post resonated with you and how your thoughts on this are currently evolving/becoming more clear.

Please? And thanks

I’m not sure how coherent or streamlined my thoughts will be, as it’s nearly 12AM and I’ve been reading both this thread and this one for the past hour or longer. And I’ve had a bit of wine. So this is the raw, unprocessed version

That post highlights what I’m coming to realize - that my wants have been frivolous and my needs have been severely neglected. In my desperation to find connection and meaning in my submission, I only found “Dominants” who by definition could not meet those fundamental needs.

It wasn’t just a miscommunication, but a major oversight on my end that led to major dissatisfaction. Instead of feeling more complete in who I was, I only ever left feeling more disconnected and forcibly split. I was doing what I wanted, what I thought was a need, but it wasn’t.

I need to submit, to serve, to hand over control in order to feel completely seen and accepted for who I am. He has to be more than sadistic, more than Dominant - he has to be everything to me, so I can become anything for him.

There’s a balance, somewhere in there, that I think can only be found in the tension between two people who know and meet each others needs so intimately that it doesn’t need to be equal - it just has to be.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Having completely failed to read or understand what I wrote, apparently.

It's a new day. I don't think I misunderstood, but that's okay if you think so. I'm not of a mind to continue fussing about it. Will you be gentleman enough to let it go?

 

[Lost_Writer01]

I’m not sure how coherent or streamlined my thoughts will be, as it’s nearly 12AM and I’ve been reading both this thread and this one for the past hour or longer. And I’ve had a bit of wine. So this is the raw, unprocessed version

That post highlights what I’m coming to realize - that my wants have been frivolous and my needs have been severely neglected. In my desperation to find connection and meaning in my submission, I only found “Dominants” who by definition could not meet those fundamental needs.

It wasn’t just a miscommunication, but a major oversight on my end that led to major dissatisfaction. Instead of feeling more complete in who I was, I only ever left feeling more disconnected and forcibly split. I was doing what I wanted, what I thought was a need, but it wasn’t.

I need to submit, to serve, to hand over control in order to feel completely seen and accepted for who I am. He has to be more than sadistic, more than Dominant - he has to be everything to me, so I can become anything for him.

There’s a balance, somewhere in there, that I think can only be found in the tension between two people who know and meet each others needs so intimately that it doesn’t need to be equal - it just has to be.

This is incredibly well articulated. Wine must be good for you! Thanks for sharing.

 

[Venefica]

"If she makes herself his sub, he (has to) make her his Queen"

 

[cascadiabound]

"If she makes herself his sub, he (has to) make her his Queen"

I'm sure that works for some, and I've seen similar expressions of the same idea.

However - in my experience D/s and/or power exchange relationships are complex and highly variable. Each one negotiated and balanced in hopes of achieving what both parties want. And it's never negotiated once and done... people change, experiences inform and shape what we want or what we want to try. Family dynamics change requiring new accommodations. Bodies and state of health change also requiring new conversations, new negotiations, new desires, changed abilities and capacities.

Single sentence absolute statements don't work for me regarding almost everything. Life is way more complex than that. "Has to" is not super helpful to me. That's like saying all subs "have to" wear stiletto heels. Or "you're not a 'real sub/real Dom' unless you do X or think Y or act in Z way." I say bullshit.

But now I'm curious. @Venefica - tell us about your D/s relationship (or your wishes) and how having the sub be the Queen works in practical and actual terms.

 

[Venefica]

Obviously, my idea is a very limited submission and a relationship based on "do ut des", i. e. taking and giving. I submit and fullfil him his dreams ... for that he grants that he understands the value of that gift to him and never abuses it.

I give him in certain scenarios or period power over my body with the clear message, to never exceed or abuse that power., never to violate the definded borders.

Furthermore, I think, I serve his lust ... and he my lust, too.

I do not say that everybody must see things that way. It is the view of me and my husband.

I wrote a short text about my view:


Playing with the tamed tiger
I have often thought about what I find so appealing about BDSM as a submissive partner. I have to say that in real life I am not submissive at all, quite the opposite. No, I am not dominant either - I hope - but I am confident, assertive - if only because of the children and the dog - quick-witted, not easily impressed and I don't think I am easily fooled. Nevertheless, I find it extremely appealing and arousing to dress up in appropriate clothing for the game.

It does excite me when my husband or I put a collar on me. I like it when he grabs me tightly and pulls me towards him. A shiver of excitement runs down my spine when he ties me to the bed, mysteriously or dangerously hinting at what he intends to do with me. I know that he will never do anything to me that I don't want. We have agreed on a safety word or safety sign in case I cannot speak. He knows what I like and what I don't like, and he would never do anything I don't want to do.

So what's the kick? It can't be the danger, because it's not dangerous.

I think it's a paradox. It's phenotypically dangerous. I surrender myself and can no longer defend myself, can no longer physically escape the whole thing. The adrenaline rushes into my blood. He touches me hard, it hurts a little, but that's also what makes it so exciting. The excitement increases, endorphins are released. I bite my lip and get wet. But I'm not really afraid. It's something like excitement, a pleasant, exciting tension. Because of course I know that my husband loves me and won't rape me. He will play with me within the framework that we agreed and discussed. In fact, I know that nothing will happen that I don't want. I am safe, even if I cannot defend myself, I am tied up and he is much stronger than I am. He is the tiger, but he is my tiger. I have tamed him. It is my game with the tamed tiger.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

I know I'm not addressee, so please excuse the uninvited response, I just think this is a wonderful topic and wanted to share my perspective and to hear from others, D & s alike.

I'm sure that works for some, and I've seen similar expressions of the same idea.

However - in my experience D/s and/or power exchange relationships are complex and highly variable. Each one negotiated and balanced in hopes of achieving what both parties want.

You could have just stopped here. No two relationships, with or without a dynamic, are the same. The formula or recipe is different for all people, even with the same people, but at different stages of life, as you mention below.

And it's never negotiated once and done... people change, experiences inform and shape what we want or what we want to try. Family dynamics change requiring new accommodations. Bodies and state of health change also requiring new conversations, new negotiations, new desires, changed abilities and capacities.

Single sentence absolute statements don't work for me regarding almost everything. Life is way more complex than that. "Has to" is not super helpful to me. That's like saying all subs "have to" wear stiletto heels. Or "you're not a 'real sub/real Dom' unless you do X or think Y or act in Z way." I say bullshit.

But now I'm curious. @Venefica - tell us about your D/s relationship (or your wishes) and how having the sub be the Queen works in practical and actual terms.

In my view, I'm referring to a sub that is also a long-term relationship (gf/fiancée/spouse/etc.) To me, in "normal" life where bills must be paid, kids must be cared for, extended family has needs, and it's poorly managed chaos in the best of times, I want a partner - an equal. I want a brilliant woman who can handle her responsibilities without having to check in. My little is someone who leads others when needed, acts autonomously with our best interests at heart, and just "kills it" and "slays" in the day-to-day.

Romantically, erotically - she is my kitten, my toy, my little lover, mine in any and all (consensual) ways. She serves me in my desires and need. In return, I will see that she's satisfied to her capacity.

In all cases though, I cherish my sub. I want to lavish her in gifts daily (want and can are not the same words). I want to shout to the world that I have the best woman, the best sub, the best little - and I'd fight anyone that thinks otherwise. In "normal" life, we would be equals that coordinate, compromise, deconflict, and work together in all things to make life in general work. And I would esteem her for that very reason - she is my mate. To me, my sub IS my queen, but I'm not afraid to correct her, to appropriately put her in place when playing or in a scene. I want her to feel like the most important woman in the world, which is absolutely needed as our play, to an outside eye, will look like I do not feel that way.

To summarize, my sub will submit to me when that part of the relationship is "active" and will be my equal when not - but in every instance, I will see her as my queen.

What do you think?

 

[cascadiabound]

I just love the conversation and dialogue. I love reading how different people articulate how they feel and how their dynamic works for them. I'm no arbiter of truth and I don't have a corner on the market about what other people's relationships should look like.

I know what resonates with me and there are things both @Venefica and @MischiefMaker441 wrote that just makes me really happy that you are finding joy and satisfaction in your dynamic. Yay!

Thanks for sharing!

 

[positiveflirt]

I just love the conversation and dialogue. I love reading how different people articulate how they feel and how their dynamic works for them. I'm no arbiter of truth and I don't have a corner on the market about what other people's relationships should look like.

Agreed, this thread has been so much fun/interesting to read

 

[Venefica]

To make it clear ... I know that there are many other views and I wanted only to share my view. It is, of course, not a truth, only the way for me and my husband..

 

[Mei5ter]

Where is your value in the relationship if you have nothing to offer but your submission?

Now that is an excellent question.

Everyone  has more to offer than their submission. But not everyone chooses to.

Single sentence absolute statements don't work for me regarding almost everything.

That is:
i) a rule for life which I am stealing
ii) why I hate labels.

Because of course I know that my husband loves me and won't rape me.

I don't know you, and I hope you will forgive me quoting your interesting and well-written post.

I'm sure he does. And I'm sure he wouldn't. But I suspect that he could if he chose to.

Elsewhere in this thread, there has been talk about submissives being in charge, because they give consent which they can withdraw, and have a safe word they can use. But the uncomfortable truth is that if I were to choose to change my mind about that with my person in the heat of the moment, she couldn't stop me. And she knows that. Her safe word only has power if I honour my commitment to act on it.

And that is why being a gentleman matters.

 

[Endless_Night]

But the uncomfortable truth is that if I were to choose to change my mind about that with my person in the heat of the moment, she couldn't stop me. And she knows that. Her safe word only has power if I honour my commitment to act on it.

For me, this adds to the thrill.

The knowledge that he could, but chooses not.

I suspect mileage on this varies greatly, submissive type dependent. A more service oriented submissive might be appalled, but my submission has an edge. Predator/prey, consensual non-consent. The physical power disparity is part of the arousal.

And that is why being a gentleman matters.

*nods vigorously*

 

[cascadiabound]

For me, this adds to the thrill.

The knowledge that he could, but chooses not.

I suspect mileage on this varies greatly, submissive type dependent. A more service oriented submissive might be appalled, but my submission has an edge. Predator/prey, consensual non-consent. The physical power disparity is part of the arousal.

I have a wide service streak, but also appreciate play/submission that is deeply transgressive. Verging on non con and definitely with elements of pain and humiliation.
And yes... the line between him doing whatever he wants because he can, and not going past negotiated limits has everything to do with him being trustworthy and, at heart, a gentleman.

 

[YourGentleDom]

Hello everyone. Very interesting to read your posts. I love to be a gentleman in daily life but not necessarily in the bedroom

 

[cascadiabound]

Hello everyone. Very interesting to read your posts. I love to be a gentleman in daily life but not necessarily in the bedroom

Maybe you'd like to give us your take on what it means to you to be a Gentleman Dom?

 

[YourGentleDom]

Being a Gentleman Dom means to be always respectful, based on consent and not on his choice or that of a personal whim. A gentle Dom has only the power in which his sub has granted to him.

 

[YourGentleDom]

It’s not about what he can sexually get. It’s only about what he can give.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Being a Gentleman Dom means to be always respectful, based on consent and not on his choice or that of a personal whim. A gentle Dom has only the power in which his sub has granted to him.

I think any type of dominant only has the power their sub gives them
Even where - obviously consensual - being used, using forcefulness and selfishness etc happens, that’s only where the sub is gaining pleasure from that dynamic and giving that power
What possible joy is there if the sub isn’t also experiencing equivalent pleasure?

 

[YourGentleDom]

It is important to emphasize that dominance should not be confused with aggression or a desire for control. A dominant man is able to use his strength and authority in a positive and respectful way. Dangers almost always do not come from BDSM, but from partners who do not know what they are doing, who are only interested in their own fun and/or who do not care about the well-being of their partner

 

[MiaBabe23]

It is important to emphasize that dominance should not be confused with aggression or a desire for control. A dominant man is able to use his strength and authority in a positive and respectful way. Dangers almost always do not come from BDSM, but from partners who do not know what they are doing, who are only interested in their own fun and/or who do not care about the well-being of their partner

Absolutely, agreed

 

[YourGentleDom]

And sometimes it’s also fun for the sub to dom the Dom. To show him the limits

 

[Otis_Ravelli]

Sorry, but bullshit

At that point it ceases to be submission. If the dominant ignores agreed boundaries and consent, then it moves into assault and rape, not dominance and submission.

Submission is a willing act where the submissive chooses to give themselves to their dominant, and it relies on trust because the relationship is deliberately engineered to make one party vulnerable.

Ignoring safe words, or taking what you want because you can is basic cuntishness.

Completely agree with this. If the only way a Dom can feel like they have power is through the medium of ignoring agreed boundaries and safe words then they aren't a Dom. They are an abuser who is using BDSM as a smokescreen to hide their true nature. There are a lot of those assclowns around who see BDSM as a golden ticket free pass to get away with sexual abuse.

The idea that subs have they true power in a BDSM relationship really bothers some people claiming to be Doms and it is a real red flag. Why should any sub trust or offer themselves to a Dom who has openly started that they would ignore all the boundaries and safety measures agreed in advance if they felt like it? BDSM is a partnership of trust and if you aren't willing to enter into that in good faith then BDSM isn't for you.

 

[MiaBabe23]

But I suspect that he could if he chose to

You know what… I suspect he couldn’t. Because he loves her
When tf did not raping someone become gentlemanly?

 

[Neanderthal247]

I spent my whole life not raping, but people on lit still see me as an asshole and not a gentleman

 

[Cat]

I spent my whole life not raping, but people on lit still see me as an asshole and not a gentleman

I mean.. not saying that you are not a gentleman (you most definitely are!) - But:
When did not committing a criminal act become the standard for a gentleman?

Maybe my definition of "being a gentleman and having good manners" differ from others?