Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

And you're right, as you know, on all accounts. I was simply one of those who had issues accepting myself on all accounts, and also reconciling how one part of me fit and enhances the other parts of me. I've had to work at it.

Thank you for sharing the fact that you have had to navigate this. Trying to figure out how to balance who you are and how to be "Dominant" and everything else you are too.

I think that this balancing act is often under appreciated in the portrayal of the "confident, knows just what to do" shades of grey-ish Dom.

The public/private dilemma of who we are combined with the dance of needs with our partner in power exchange dynamics whether that be just in the bedroom or whether that spills out over other parts of your lives together is complicated and forever in flux, in my opinion.

I want to keep the focus of this thread on the Dom side, but I want to simply say that it is useful to keep in mind that it is not just the pyl (pick your label ~ sub, little, babygirl, prey, slave, etc) who is often caught in an internal struggle of how to BE who they discover they are. Especially since conversation about power exchange relationships is still (IMO) essentially closeted in mainstream society.

There are so many things that are placed on us - expectations of masculinity and femininity. In the end we each hope to find freedom in the love and security of another who loves us for who we are and who helps us to be the best of who we are in our completeness, in our complexity, in our messiness which does not fit into any neat and tidy preordained boxes.

cb

 

[Amalgamation]

Thank you for sharing the fact that you have had to navigate this. Trying to figure out how to balance who you are and how to be "Dominant" and everything else you are too.

I think that this balancing act is often under appreciated in the portrayal of the "confident, knows just what to do" shades of grey-ish Dom.

The public/private dilemma of who we are combined with the dance of needs with our partner in power exchange dynamics whether that be just in the bedroom or whether that spills out over other parts of your lives together is complicated and forever in flux, in my opinion.

I want to keep the focus of this thread on the Dom side, but I want to simply say that it is usefule to keep in mind that it is not just the pyl (pick your label ~ sub, little, babygirl, prey, slave, etc) who is often caught in an internal struggle of how to BE who they discover they are. Especially since conversation about power exchange relationships is still (IMO) essentially closeted in mainstream society.

There are so many things that are placed on us - expectations of masculinity and femininity. In the end we each hope to find freedom in the love and security of another who loves us for who we are and who helps us to be the best of who we are in our completeness, in our complexity, in our messiness which does not fit into any neat and tidy preordained boxes.

cb

Pardon my jaunt down an alternate pathway. It was simply essential to how I "became" myself.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

Pardon my jaunt down an alternate pathway. It was simply essential to how I "became" myself.

I didn't think you went down an alternate pathway at all
I was making a note that my own sub comments were not intended to send the thread elsewhere.
I am loving your contributions...

 

[cascadiabound]

Cross posts

Originally Posted by kinkkey
1. A timid, meek, shy person can suddenly transform into an extremely dominant person behind closed doors with someone they trust and the only reason they act so shy is because they are scared of how people would react if they ever found out who they really were inside.

Not everyone wants a disinterested dom who seems like they could do without you. Lots of subs love to feel intensely desired, that their dom simply can't help themselves around them, they crave them, they need them, that they are completely overcome with lust at the mere sight of the sub doing something arousing, at the mere sound of that sexy, begging voice, and simply must have them this very second.

Originally Posted by ToPleaseHim
A dominant man may or may not be pushy. There is no such thing as "a true Dom." Relationships and encounters work between people who communicate and find someone with similar kinks or desire to explore. There is no one right way to be Dominant or submissive.

Originally Posted by IrisAlthea
Why would dominants be immune to abuse from submissives?
Dominants are people and people are vulnerable in relationships.
The opinions of others aren't always easy to brush off, especially if they come from someone you value or if you are a bit new and insecure in a relationship or a situation.
Submissives can be manipulative.

Originally Posted by SpunThings
The only universal I've found for BDSM dominant is someone who identifies as a dominant, and wants the authority end of power exchange in a relationship. That's it.

So many different kinds of Dominants... there is not a set of boxes that must be checked off. Embrace who you are. I think one of the things that seems most true to me is that when a PYL (pick your label - Sir, Master, Dom, Daddy etc) is most deeply in touch with who he is, what his needs are and is able to express this and feel safe himself, the better a Dom he is. The more able he is to interact with and engage safely in power exchange with a sub. Keeping her safe and being trustworthy.
my 2 cents.

 

[All_4_Love]

.....

 

[GiggLeGasm]

come on, All4Love. I'll brush your hair.

 

[All_4_Love]

come on, All4Love. I'll brush your hair.

Thank you, doll. I needed that.

(Hug)

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Thank you, doll. I needed that.

(Hug)

you are the essence of one who is brave enough to live a vulnerable life.. and in that difference lies your beauty. don't be saddened to be rare blossom in field of wild flowers.

 

[All_4_Love]

you are the essence of one who is brave enough to live a vulnerable life.. and in that difference lies your beauty. don't be saddened to be rare blossom in field of wild flowers.

Vulnerable it is, my love. And sometimes, painfully so. You are a most beautiful soul. Thank you for these words of encouragement.

Bless you, dear lady. Sending you all of my love.

 

[DarkSimian]

<snip>
there are so many things that are placed on us - expectations of masculinity and femininity. In the end we each hope to find freedom in the love and security of another who loves us for who we are and who helps us to be the best of who we are in our completeness, in our complexity, in our messiness which does not fit into any neat and tidy preordained boxes.

cb

this is what I want, this is what I need....sadly, too often I am doomed because I do not fit neatly into anyone's box

*not to get off topic, I just loved that cb summed up my life in general*

 

[DarkSimian]

Vulnerable it is, my love. And sometimes, painfully so. You are a most beautiful soul. Thank you for these words of encouragement.

Bless you, dear lady. Sending you all of my love.

although I don't know you all that well, you always speak eloquently, and from the heart....and I can respect that. I may not be perfect either, but I can see the beauty in your soul. And that has my love and admiration. ((((hugs))))

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Okay folks... so I realize that I am dragging this thread out of the dust bin of Lit ancient history. However, I happened to be deep post stalking someone and ran across it and found myself reading back through the whole thread.
Yes. I know. This makes me, umm, perhaps a bit compulsive.
Shoot me. Or love me.
In any case.
I hereby contend the following:
1) the conversation about Gentleman Doms and Doms in general is IMPORTANT and interesting and belongs here in the Playground.
2) there are some posts here that are real gems.
3) some of the lister Doms/ gentlemen are still around here and I believe they have more to say on this topic and I would like to give them the opportunity to do so.
4) there are other Litser Doms/ gentlemen who I see on various threads who I know have things to contribute here.
5) Given the interest in the threads like Daddy's Little Girl and other threads on the playground that are D/s in theme but are more aimed at the sub side of the equation, I believe that a thread that focuses on the D side of the equation is in order.

So - Gentlemen... sharpen your pencils.
I am eagerly looking forward to seeing if this thread has legs.
Don't let me down. kisses
cb

You did it!!

I definitely love you.

 

[Amalgamation]

this is what I want, this is what I need....sadly, too often I am doomed because I do not fit neatly into anyone's box

*not to get off topic, I just loved that cb summed up my life in general*

Screw the box. Blow it up. Be you.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Screw the box. Blow it up. Be you.

I think my yoga teacher used that as her mantra last week during meditation. It was in another language - but the feel was the same

 

[Amalgamation]

I think my yoga teacher used that as her mantra last week during meditation. It was in another language - but the feel was the same

Nice!!!

 

[ponydriver]

I was speaking recently to someone here about my past and present as a Dominant. I told the person that where I am now has been a process of learning to be true to myself. If I can't be who I am at my heart, emotional, sensitive, chivalrous, then I would be doing any submissive I have a great disservice. Dominants and Submissives come in all colors. For every Dominant is a submissive and vice versa. To me the important thing that I had to learn was that there is no one way to be effective. My softer side balances my demanding tendencies, and sometimes even enhances them. It keeps me present and grounded, and ultimately it makes me better for my submissive.

Just my two cents.

So nice to see a man posting here. Ladies tend to gush and we monopolize threads like The Yard with our swoonings. I've read the entire thread and men were posting more often in the beginning but once again the ladies seemed to take over. Oh and on a side note while I am it, Men, or maybe its boys I am talking too, when you see a submissive posting on a thread, we are not posting to gain your attention. Well most of us aren't. We post because we can revel in our lifestyle. We are not, maybe I should say I am not, needing or seeking your attention. We are expressing how strong we are in the life we have embraced. We don't need or want you to swoop in and be our "Daddy", "Sir", "Master", or "Dom". That position has been taken and you lessen your understanding of the life we have embraced if you think a few slick words or copied pictured links are going to make us abandon who we have entrusted our lives too. That being said we would like to hear from gentlemen that have embraced this life because they know already the commitment and trust this life takes. So gentlemen please post we would love to hear.

I love this post because it balances with my understanding. I was not complete until my hubby fulfilled the role in our lives we both needed. I'm not submissive without him and he is not Dominant without me. We are two pieces of a puzzle that once joined make a perfect picture.

 

[All_4_Love]

although I don't know you all that well, you always speak eloquently, and from the heart....and I can respect that. I may not be perfect either, but I can see the beauty in your soul. And that has my love and admiration. ((((hugs))))

My love to you the same, DS.

The beauty of ones soul, yes, it is eternal. But we both know what is beautiful can still be racked with moments of despair, agony, and utter chaos.

Cheers

And thank you for the kind words but this thread isn't about that. I vented. I felt angered and frustrated. I appreciate the supoort, but please, no one else comment back to me here and no PMs. Thanks y'all. (Hugs)

 

[Callmetim]

And you're right, as you know, on all accounts. I was simply one of those who had issues accepting myself on all accounts, and also reconciling how one part of me fit and enhances the other parts of me. I've had to work at it.

This is where I am at, my dominance not fitting into my life. To talk and live without a mask is extremely liberating. Through one-on-one counseling, I know I'm not broken, I accept who I am and the circumstances around me. Acceptance of self needs to be our first love.

Men, or maybe its boys I am talking too, when you see a submissive posting on a thread, we are not posting to gain your attention. Well most of us aren't. We post because we can revel in our lifestyle. We are not, maybe I should say I am not, needing or seeking your attention. We are expressing how strong we are in the life we have embraced. We don't need or want you to swoop in and be our "Daddy", "Sir", "Master", or "Dom". That position has been taken and you lessen your understanding of the life we have embraced if you think a few slick words or copied pictured links are going to make us abandon who we have entrusted our lives too. That being said we would like to hear from gentlemen that have embraced this life because they know already the commitment and trust this life takes. So gentlemen please post we would love to hear.

While I hope that most dominants who see submissives posting do not feel compelled to rescue them from their lost ways, perhaps my perception of people is too optimistic. It is a two way offer, I'm giving you my trust, you're giving me yours. It is earned, not taken or to be won as a trophy.

Screw the box. Blow it up. Be you.

This is where many become tripped up, thinking I'm not dominant because I do/don't (fill in the blank). Look at it like a buffet. You might only like a couple foods offered, but those choices make you dominant. You might like every single food and ask if there is more in the back, that makes you dominant. You might like one food no one else likes but it is completely your thing, that makes you dominant. Know what you like, embrace what excites you and own yourself.

For the longest time, I was made to feel inferior, sexually deviant (in a very negative sense of the term) for my kinks. Just as Amalgamation said, we all need to be ourselves. My desires can change and to believe we are fully aware of every kink we will ever be into is to believe a lie, yet our state of flux makes us no less complete and unbroken.

 

[Amalgamation]

This is where I am at, my dominance not fitting into my life. To talk and live without a mask is extremely liberating. Through one-on-one counseling, I know I'm not broken, I accept who I am and the circumstances around me. Acceptance of self needs to be our first love.



While I hope that most dominants who see submissives posting do not feel compelled to rescue them from their lost ways, perhaps my perception of people is too optimistic. It is a two way offer, I'm giving you my trust, you're giving me yours. It is earned, not taken or to be won as a trophy.



This is where many become tripped up, thinking I'm not dominant because I do/don't (fill in the blank). Look at it like a buffet. You might only like a couple foods offered, but those choices make you dominant. You might like every single food and ask if there is more in the back, that makes you dominant. You might like one food no one else likes but it is completely your thing, that makes you dominant. Know what you like, embrace what excites you and own yourself.

For the longest time, I was made to feel inferior, sexually deviant (in a very negative sense of the term) for my kinks. Just as Amalgamation said, we all need to be ourselves. My desires can change and to believe we are fully aware of every kink we will ever be into is to believe a lie, yet our state of flux makes us no less complete and unbroken.

Well said, Tim. The beauty of life is evolution. That includes our sexuality and our kinks. When you know who you are, and love whoever that is, things become natural and exciting. I think we grow into Dominance and Submission. We find those sparks and explore them. Experience and growth either enhance it, or tell us that we shouldn't be in that lane. Dang it...another tangent. I'm done. Anyway, thanks for adding your thoughts.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I love this thread

 

[Callmetim]

I think we grow into Dominance and Submission. We find those sparks and explore them. Experience and growth either enhance it, or tell us that we shouldn't be in that lane. Dang it...another tangent.

Not a tangent at all, as I believe I spoke on this same theme awhile back. Trying new things, exploring new worlds, to seek out ... ok, THAT was a tangent.

There are limits, limits which may be not pushed, limits to be pushed and "limits" meant to be gone past, getting into the non-consensual consent discussion. Exploration should be a healthy part of any relationship, working together to find what is an explosive turn on that you previously thought unlikely. The dynamic created becomes shared, different from all others and uniquely between the two, three, four, etc. of you.

There seems to be a call from a few posters to hear more from dominants in this thread. Should it be more of a question and answer session a la Litiquette? Random dominant thoughts that arise and the situations that caused them? Questions from submissives to pick a dominant mind's brain? All of the above?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

<interjects>

Pervy? I neeeed you to get an AV. Pretty please?

</end interjection>

 

[Amalgamation]

<interjects>

Pervy? I neeeed you to get an AV. Pretty please?

</end interjection>

But whyyyyyyyyyy?