Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[sereneone4u]

I would like to chime in with my thoughts here, if I may.

I'm not speaking of Doms that are abusive, as we all know that type of destructiveness is never okay.

I do want to address, however, that there is a flip side to the belief that if a Dom IS tyrannical, or degrading, or punishes with a belt, that he is somehow not a good Dom either. There are different sides to this and it is a spectrum.

As a submissive masochist, there is the mentality that to endure pain is to suffer for him. That is why for someone like myself, I do not enjoy the pain, per se. It is the relinquishing of control, the desire to suffer for him, to withstand whatever he has to dish out. I couldn't ask someone to inflict pain or degradation for my enjoyment. He would have to want it and desire it in order for me to endure, and ultimately enjoy, it. I would crave it because it pleased him.

Just my thoughts, and perhaps a bit of defending where Doms that fall on the more extreme end of the spectrum are concerned. I still would consider him a gentleman. He is no less of a gentleman, in my eyes, for wielding a belt than he is a bouquet of roses.

Good point. Different subs, different Doms, different needs.

 

[Leigh81]

Is there a good dom. movie??
Not 9 1/2 Weeks or Secretary, already seen them. One more suited to the "gentleman dom."

L

 

[Kveldulf]

I would like to chime in with my thoughts here, if I may.

I'm not speaking of Doms that are abusive, as we all know that type of destructiveness is never okay.

I do want to address, however, that there is a flip side to the belief that if a Dom IS tyrannical, or degrading, or punishes with a belt, that he is somehow not a good Dom either. There are different sides to this and it is a spectrum.

As a submissive masochist, there is the mentality that to endure pain is to suffer for him. That is why for someone like myself, I do not enjoy the pain, per se. It is the relinquishing of control, the desire to suffer for him, to withstand whatever he has to dish out. I couldn't ask someone to inflict pain or degradation for my enjoyment. He would have to want it and desire it in order for me to endure, and ultimately enjoy, it. I would crave it because it pleased him.

Just my thoughts, and perhaps a bit of defending where Doms that fall on the more extreme end of the spectrum are concerned. I still would consider him a gentleman. He is no less of a gentleman, in my eyes, for wielding a belt than he is a bouquet of roses.

Good point. Different subs, different Doms, different needs.

I agree with you both. My disagreement is with those who would consider me not to be a "real" Dom because I am not primarily tyrannical or degrading and because I do like to treat submissive partners well when there is no reason for doing otherwise.

Of course, just because I would not consider myself primarily tyrannical or degrading, that is not to say that neither have their place. For example, my wife responds very well to certain verbal degradations and light physical degradation in both sexual and discipline situations. She would not respond well to being continuously subjected to degradation, however.

The same is true with pain and physical discipline. I have been with submissives who crave pain and/or physical discipline as well as those who will avoid either if at all possible. My wife falls in the middle -- she tends to be a light masochistic submissive sexually, and she responds to light to moderate physical discipline. If I were too heavy handed in either situation, or used physical discipline too often, she would not respond well at all.

As for flowers, gifts, and tender moments, I have never been with a submissive woman save one who failed to appreciate those things (as I alluded to above, I was in a brief relationship with someone who was quite masochistic - she wanted nothing to do with anything remotely tender, and we discovered fairly quickly we were not compatible). In fact, flowers, gifts and/or tender displays of affection have led to some of the most deeply and meaningfully submissive moments my wife has had with me. I quite fondly remember a night in a New York hotel room after the first time I took her to Tiffany's.

The irony with my wife is that while I find her to be a wonderful submissive, over the entre fourteen years we have been together she has refused to admit that she is submissive at all. She is convinced that she is not submissive because she never felt that she was able to truly give herself to a Dom in a prior attempt at a D/s relationship. She believes that she just likes to play at it. However, I believe whole-heartedly that she is submissive. In our most intimate times, as well as in our most stressful times, she unfailingly looks to me for direction and protection. Furthermore, though she can be a bit of a "brat" at times, I have never failed in assuming control when I wanted to or needed to do so.

 

[All_4_Love]

Of course, just because I would not consider myself primarily tyrannical or degrading, that is not to say that neither have their place. For example, my wife responds very well to certain verbal degradations and light physical degradation in both sexual and discipline situations. She would not respond well to being continuously subjected to degradation, however.

The same is true with pain and physical discipline. I have been with submissives who crave pain and/or physical discipline as well as those who will avoid either if at all possible. My wife falls in the middle -- she tends to be a light masochistic submissive sexually, and she responds to light to moderate physical discipline. If I were too heavy handed in either situation, or used physical discipline too often, she would not respond well at all.

Again, as I have stated earlier on this thread, this is where the psychological aspect comes in, and I start to break down and feel very insecure about my sexuality.

This is where I start to ask the questions like “what is wrong with me?” and I do not like that.

Perhaps, I will be fortunate enough for Des to come in once again and save me.

With all due respect, Sir, why does her response matter? Why does her response being “well” have to be contingent on your control of her? Is this what differentiates a “gentleman” Dom from the “other” Doms?

And if so, then this begs the question, who is the one in control?

 

[All_4_Love]

Please forgive me if I seem to come across as challenging. I have had a few drinks this evening, a rarity for me, and it's probably wise that I refrain from posting any further.

That being said, I sincerely mean no disrespect.

 

[Kveldulf]

Again, as I have stated earlier on this thread, this is where the psychological aspect comes in, and I start to break down and feel very insecure about my sexuality.

This is where I start to ask the questions like “what is wrong with me?” and I do not like that.

Perhaps, I will be fortunate enough for Des to come in once again and save me.

With all due respect, Sir, why does her response matter? Why does her response being “well” have to be contingent on your control of her? Is this what differentiates a “gentleman” Dom from the “other” Doms?

And if so, then this begs the question, who is the one in control?

I do not believe there is anything wrong with you. We all want/need certain things, and the trick in life is to find someone who fits those wants/needs. It sounds like you found someone who is able to assume the type of control that is right for you, and that is a wonderful thing.

As for your questions, these are issues I have pondered for several years. This is how I view it -- my preference is to obtain the desired effect by means of the least deleterious methods. With respect to this philosophy, how a submissive responds to particular motivation (either reward or discipline) is important because choosing well tailored motivation will enhance the efficacy of both the discipline and the reward mechanisms, thus ensuring the desired behavior. In this vein, the issue of who is in control is not a question of control as an end, but rather control as a means to an end (that end being the desired behavior). Thus, if I can motivate the desired behavior, then I am in control.

And because it is the end result I desire, not a specific means to that end result, even if I make concessions or allowances along the way, control is maintained so long as such adjustments do not impact the desired behavior. Furthermore, the same is true for expanding boundaries - as long as the expansion does not negatively impact the desired behavior, then such expansion is desirable.

I am not saying this approach is right for anyone else, but it works for me.

 

[All_4_Love]

I do not believe there is anything wrong with you. We all want/need certain things, and the trick in life is to find someone who fits those wants/needs.

Thank you. I am finding, more so than ever, that this is the ultimate truth. And, it is frightening, to say the least.

As for your questions, these are issues I have pondered for several years. This is how I view it -- my preference is to obtain the desired effect by means of the least deleterious methods. With respect to this philosophy, how a submissive responds to particular motivation (either reward or discipline) is important because choosing well tailored motivation will enhance the efficacy of both the discipline and the reward mechanisms, thus ensuring the desired behavior. In this vein, the issue of who is in control is not a question of control as an end, but rather control as a means to an end (that end being the desired behavior). Thus, if I can motivate the desired behavior, then I am in control.

And because it is the end result I desire, not a specific means to that end result, even if I make concessions or allowances along the way, control is maintained so long as such adjustments do not impact the desired behavior. Furthermore, the same is true for expanding boundaries - as long as the expansion does not negatively impact the desired behavior, then such expansion is desirable.

I am not saying this approach is right for anyone else, but it works for me.

Indeed…
Well then, thank goodness you are the one in control. You lost me at “this is how I view it”

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

A little lightheartedness for your weekend...

Q. What does a Gentleman Dom say just before he shoots his load?

A. "Sorry to bother, but how much cum do you prefer?"


Agree or disagree? Discuss.

 

[elli1]

Q. What does a Gentleman Dom say just before he shoots his load?

A. "Sorry to bother, but how much cum do you prefer?"


Agree or disagree? Discuss.

no, no! you ask (*cough* beg *cough*) for it, he delivers (if you've been good), you take it all like a good girl!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

no, no! you ask (*cough* beg *cough*) for it, he delivers (if you've been good), you take it all like a good girl!

*slurp*

*gulp, gulp, gulp*

*licks lips*

mmm.....

 

[Erochic]

Editing to remove this post because of annoying PMs

I am not submissive, and I'm not looking for a dominant or a "daddy".

I have only been submissive for one man and one man only... That was my point.
Other than that I am dominant.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

You sure start a lot of threads.

So says the ORIGINAL attention whore. Little monkey boy what you really need is a Domme to keep your sorry asss RED and your attention rivited where ever She decides it will keep your fingers away from a keyboard.

 

[cascadiabound]

Okay folks... so I realize that I am dragging this thread out of the dust bin of Lit ancient history. However, I happened to be deep post stalking someone and ran across it and found myself reading back through the whole thread.
Yes. I know. This makes me, umm, perhaps a bit compulsive.
Shoot me. Or love me.
In any case.
I hereby contend the following:
1) the conversation about Gentleman Doms and Doms in general is IMPORTANT and interesting and belongs here in the Playground.
2) there are some posts here that are real gems.
3) some of the lister Doms/ gentlemen are still around here and I believe they have more to say on this topic and I would like to give them the opportunity to do so.
4) there are other Litser Doms/ gentlemen who I see on various threads who I know have things to contribute here.
5) Given the interest in the threads like Daddy's Little Girl and other threads on the playground that are D/s in theme but are more aimed at the sub side of the equation, I believe that a thread that focuses on the D side of the equation is in order.

So - Gentlemen... sharpen your pencils.
I am eagerly looking forward to seeing if this thread has legs.
Don't let me down. kisses
cb


https://36.media.tumblr.com/481d40ca91e4f1364aff3dbe1913bff3/tumblr_o54so6URCD1t0k6q7o1_1280.jpg

 

[Amalgamation]

This is more along the lines of how I self identify. Not the totality of me, but an integral part nonetheless. I'll be following closely as well. Loved this thread in former lives.

 

[cascadiabound]

This is more along the lines of how I self identify. Not the totality of me, but an integral part nonetheless. I'll be following closely as well. Loved this thread in former lives.

Say more..... please.

 

[All_4_Love]

It would be nice to see this thread gain momentum. It is a great thread.

I briefly read over it again. I wish I had more time now to read it again in its entirety. There were wonderful contributions made, some of which I hung on every word.

My, how fast the time has gone by. And, my, how strongly I stood in my convictions.

Very interesting thread.

 

[Amalgamation]

It would be nice to see this thread gain momentum. It is a great thread.

I briefly read over it again. I wish I had more time now to read it again in its entirety. There were wonderful contributions made, some of which I hung on every word.

My, how fast the time has gone by. And, my, how strongly I stood in my convictions.

Very interesting thread.

This was the first thread that I noticed your posts. I admired your conviction then, just as much as I admire them now.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Endless_Night]

This was a great thread! Thank you for digging it out.

I didn't stumble across the thread until it had wound down, but still went back and reread from the beginning. Definitely on board for a reboot!

 

[Amalgamation]

I was speaking recently to someone here about my past and present as a Dominant. I told the person that where I am now has been a process of learning to be true to myself. If I can't be who I am at my heart, emotional, sensitive, chivalrous, then I would be doing any submissive I have a great disservice. Dominants and Submissives come in all colors. For every Dominant is a submissive and vice versa. To me the important thing that I had to learn was that there is no one way to be effective. My softer side balances my demanding tendencies, and sometimes even enhances them. It keeps me present and grounded, and ultimately it makes me better for my submissive.

Just my two cents.

 

[Endless_Night]

And this^ type of answer was what I found so helpful about the thread.

I am not a drop-to-your-knees type of submissive. Submission is difficult for me, even more so because it's punctuated by an awkward embarrassment. Add all that to the difficulty of reconciling my dominant daily personality to my sexual submissive desires and it's rather a hot mess!

Having the benefit of Dominant perspectives who are introspective to share insight helped me to reach a place of...more personal acceptance.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Amalgamation]

It would seem to me, this is a key responsibility, what ever your role, indeed, whatever type of relationship we are in; to know or learn ourselves and make peace with it, embrace it, perhaps? I think this is a life long journey for some, though it need not be a full time job, and would perhaps be self defeating if it were to become so.

Some seem to just know them selves easily, I am envious of them and pleased for them. But in fact, if I am to give of myself to Gianbattista, I have to know what I offer, what I need, and where I owe it to both of us to grow. In acknowledging the parts of me that hAd grown 'harder' perhaps, though I thought I knew them, our relationship, the security he has provided, has allowed space for these 'hard bits' to be sloughed.

That he had this softness in his make up, allowed me not to build more callous, but rather to soften into him. In fact, I think for me to surrender emotionally as completely would have been impossible without this 'softness'.

There is also that I choose a real person, not a caricature, because I am a real person and not to Live as a caricature either.

And you're right, as you know, on all accounts. I was simply one of those who had issues accepting myself on all accounts, and also reconciling how one part of me fit and enhances the other parts of me. I've had to work at it.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Amalgamation]

And as we age and grow and life throws obstacles to which we respond ....we need sometimes to work at it again. I find I had this mastered so I thought, I get the theory, but I am in for retesting

As a teacher, I have to say that being willing to retake the test makes you only a better student and more complete learner.