Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[elli1]

Doesn't enjoy, as in uncomfortable enough to make them cry?

Excuse my naïveté.

i wouldn't let anyone do something to me, physically, that would make me cry. those things are listed under my hard limits. but the knowledge of having fucked up and having disappointed my Dom might make me cry...

 

[DesEsseintes]

i wouldn't let anyone do something to me, physically, that would make me cry. those things are listed under my hard limits. but the knowledge of having fucked up and having disappointed my Dom might make me cry...

That's just it, Elli. That sense of letting down someone we love and respect is universal, more or less, and goes back to childhood. With physical punishments there are different pain thresholds, different kinks and fetishes - one person's torture is another's mild candle play. But disappointing the person one is desperate to please...that kind of hurt is serious.

 

[sereneone4u]

They surround you with love and a place of safety where you can truly relax

They treat you like a motherfucking princess in your life and a toy in bed

They have an inner core of steel

http://s15.postimg.org/uft47fjmj/76db5ca9eb853c4ce5265363909a15e9.jpg

http://s27.postimg.org/8hpar98pv/ece243204c40904c0f4ef64a476122d4.jpg

Yes.

 

[Aquagal]

Thank you all for your responses, (except Tim's ), you've made things so much clearer.

 

[lexieredefined]

Thank you all for your responses, (except Tim's ), you've made things so much clearer.

He'll add his two cents, I'm quite sure.

You never learn unless you ask.

 

[sereneone4u]

He will have her do things she never thought possible.

He needs her

she was left without want for He knew her every need.

He made all the voices go silent, forcing her to hear only His.

He is as much necessary to complete her as she Him. Both equal halves to the equation, neither worth more than the other, each profoundly meaningful, a beautiful harmony between lives, bodies, minds and souls.

Hello Honey I'm liking this thread.....alot x

http://38.media.tumblr.com/efa3e205737f59f2ddd6534bf79bcd9a/tumblr_n8us5cW82X1tb2gr7o1_500.jpg

http://33.media.tumblr.com/026b5cc77992bc3cd4b1171220a3e687/tumblr_n8ndleaF4f1t009mho1_500.jpg

http://38.media.tumblr.com/d124254b7e531ef217ad704dc77368c9/tumblr_n964ogbGey1t009mho1_400.jpg

They exist.

I don't have to write him a user manual.

I can't manipulate him.

I can't refuse him.

It's a spectrum surely and depends on your desires. For some its a 24/7 relationship, for others the control they take/give up is purely sexual, or even non-sexual but contained in scenes.

But I agree with comments upthread. Sure people can play the roles with strangers and have a fulfilling play session but the true power exchange comes with knowledge and appreciation of each other. I like what Des said "submission is devalued if it could have been given to anyone" (IMHO so is dominance)

There is no such thing as the perfect dominant or submissive ...they exist in fiction, but the ability to communicate, know and love your partner makes the relationship work

So much yes.

I heard my name "Motherfucking Princess" and had to make an appearance.

Interesting thread.

 

[may_I_please]

So much yes.

I heard my name "Motherfucking Princess" and had to make an appearance.

Interesting thread.

Serene

Ooo did I get that from you? No wonder it stuck in my brain ...perfect phrase

 

[sereneone4u]

[URL=http://s1273.photobucket.com/user/all_4_love/media/Ibelongtohim_zps547783b3.jpg.html]http://i1273.photobucket.com/albums/y417/all_4_love/Ibelongtohim_zps547783b3.jpg[/URL]

http://i.imgur.com/EUiVUA1.gif

Any takers?

I've loved reading through this thread. Coming to Lit has helped me understand my thoughts and wants so much. I was so confused about how I felt, what I wanted, needed. I never seen myself as a "true sub" I felt I didn't fit in (yes I read too much crap) I am very strong willed and I can't stand not being in control of my life. But...something draws me to the relationship between a Dominant and submissive. I think with the right person it's a beautiful thing. Knowing you are treasured and loved and you know you can trust that person to give them control. To me that takes trust and I know I could never give myself like that to just anyone.

Two people who each have needs that compliment eachothers.

My problem with so many subs is that they mistake things that they have been programmed to believe in for truth.

That a real man is a certain way. That he looks, dresses, and acts in a manner as prescribed by a certain idealized tradition.

That a Dom doesn't show vulnerability, or need. That we're always confident and in control, commanders of all situations. That we have to be brutes.

Sure, I get off on spanking women, or handcuffing them to the bed and fucking them till they beg me to let them cum. But I also have a soft side that wants to be let out. I like kids, and animals.

And guess what? I'm not always in control. Or even have any clue what the hell I am doing! I can be a basket case too. I have more issues than Cosmo and they show. Sometimes I just want a partner who might have some of the answers that I don't have myself. I don't WANT a little girl who needs to be told what to wear and what to cook. And take off the motherfucking stilettos once in a while, before you ruin your goddamned feet!

How can I feel comfortable wearing my raggedy old sweats when you are constantly looking like you are about to do a porno shoot? Dress down!

I hate the conventions that keep us from being real.

(I'm going to try to use whole words first, before moving onto acronyms, because I'm aware this is, in part, an educational discussion thread, in which we are all learning: all following the same river, but using different tributaries and at different speeds.)

My understanding is that a Master/slave (M/s) relationship is indeed about a Total Power Exchange (TPE). I don't see how it could be called M/s otherwise. But for me M/s is a form of Dominance/submission (D/s). I don't see it as a peak or goal towards which all forms of D/s are striving. Perhaps one peak among many in a mountain range.

Now the key word in the recent discussion, I suspect, is 'dynamic'. That implies change, movement, kineticism: not a prison cell, concrete and static but a rope joining two people. Sometimes the rope will be taut - other times loose as the two bunch together. In most aspects of life the Dominant will be leading, but he may well desire his submissive to lead in certain agreed and discussed areas, depending on relative strengths and weaknesses.

After all - relationship is cognate with 'relational'. Think of a melody. It can be written down exactly, with tempo and dynamics strictly set out. Or, it can be transposed into a different key - or even changed more fundamentally but with the gaps between the notes remaining constant. The space between a Dom(me) and his/her submissive is a playground in itself (sic). Not a barrier which can never be breached.

I agree that total power exchange can be wonderful - I have been fortunate enough to experience it once and it was profoundly liberating. It is true in a way, too, to say that the sub's/slave's feelings are not the goal in such a relationship. But that is only true if the Dominant's feelings are not the goal either. After all, 'slave' is an analogy, not an exact facsimile. The goals may mostly, or even entirely, be set by the Dominant, but they should be joint goals which aim at deepening and enriching the relationship. The relationship itself becomes the third party in such situations, and it is the purpose of both partners to nurture it according to their role.

It is important to remember, however, in all this understandable talk of discussion and agreement, that although such things are vital they do not necessarily have to be ongoing. What stops a TPE or M/s relationship from abuse is that both parties must always be free to step away (even if such a choice is made difficult by being final), and that the discussions and agreements have taken place at some point. How often such discussions take place is down to the individual relationship - I suspect that All4Love would rather not have to think about each individual change or decision at all once the great decision to relinquish autonomy has been made. For others such as Honey, it seems that mutual agreement is an ongoing process, and that a prior agreement does not necessarily imply subsequent agreement. Both are fine, of course.

But given the range of opinions here, it does make me think that the old fashioned D/s ideal of a contract, though often derided and sometimes justifiably, makes sense in terms of making expectations and roles very clear indeed.

Goodness me, what a ramble. I am sorry.

I've read each post. Des provided the vocabulary for what was needed in the context of the discussion and, as always, fared far better than I would. We all have opinions, beliefs, preconceived notions within those words and labels, each one letting loose a flood of emotions, ideologies and convictions. It is each of these notions that make us uniquely us, none of which are invalid. We can agree, disagree, discuss, but who each of us is at our core, what our desires are and how we perceive ourselves in the context of a very subjective topic are never wrong.

When I approach the subject of control with someone, I do not focus on the labels and results of our thinking and beliefs. Every relationship that explores control in any form boils down to four things. Communication, trust, consent and exploration.

Communication: Here is who I am. Here is who you are. Pardon the meme, but will we blend?

Trust: We make ourselves completely vulnerable, all our strengths and weaknesses are on the table, left for the other person to either crush and judge or embrace and build up. Do we trust one another?

Consent: We are going to do things that a court of law might say are inappropriate. You might have fantasies that some say are illegal. You may be wanting to hinge on my word and let me totally form you. Are you okay with this?

Exploration: I'd like to try this, let's go here ... oops! Wrong turn. How about this? *fireworks* Okay, let's do that again. I've never tried this either, but let's give it a shot. Turns out we like it. Where do we go from here?

It is not shades of grey we must think of, but every spectrum of the rainbow that is out there. What matters is what works for you, in your relationship, staying true to who you are knowing it may change as you continue to step cautiously into, jump in head first and penetrate that which the two of you will make uniquely yours ...

Great thread!

 

[All_4_Love]

But disappointing the person one is desperate to please...that kind of hurt is serious.

Indeed, it is. The worst kind of punishment that I can think of. And it is completely of my own accord.

 

[sereneone4u]

Serene

Ooo did I get that from you? No wonder it stuck in my brain ...perfect phrase

Hugs!

Yes, years ago I was named that and it was in my title for the longest time, lol.

I read it here and I laughed.

I am doing better.

Kal helps me immensely.

He is the perfect Dom for me.

 

[lexieredefined]

Kal helps me immensely.

He is the perfect Dom for me.

and that's what it's all about.

 

[elli1]

Kal helps me immensely.

He is the perfect Dom for me.

awwww!

 

[sereneone4u]

Indeed, it is. The worst kind of punishment that I can think of. And it is completely of my own accord.

So true.

A little while ago my Dominant (KalIsBack) had to punish me and it was not pleasant but what really stung was displeasing him and what really cut me to the quick was that the punishment, punished him too.

OUCH.

The realization of his pain that I had caused has made me much more mindful and aware of my behavior.

 

[sereneone4u]

awwww!

I am the luckiest sub ever.

I am also lucky in the friend department.
He is my bestie too.

 

[elli1]

I am the luckiest sub ever.

I am also lucky in the friend department.
He is my bestie too.

i'm jealous!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Great thread!

Glad you could join us, Serene.

Please come in and make yourself comfortable.

 

[sereneone4u]

and that's what it's all about.

Yes, yes it is.

I never fathomed how incredible a D/s relationship could be.

Everything I wanted and more.

He is such a gift everyday.

I am a better person due to his influence.

 

[sereneone4u]

i'm jealous!

Awww

Your Dom will come.

I waited years, decades for him.

 

[sereneone4u]

Glad you could join us, Serene.

Please come in and make yourself comfortable.

Hugs

thank you.

Love the thread.

 

[elli1]

Awww

Your Dom will come.

I waited years, decades for him.

decades? please, no

 

[lexieredefined]

Yes, yes it is.

I never fathomed how incredible a D/s relationship could be.

Everything I wanted and more.

He is such a gift everyday.

I am a better person due to his influence.

You treasure that, and I know you do. To be in a D/s relationship that is so deep on a mental, physical, and emotion level is the most amazing thing. It makes you really understand what it's about.

I'm so very happy for you.

 

[sereneone4u]

decades? please, no

laughing!

I am forty-two and he will be thirty next week.

We celebrated our first year anniversary last week.

To be fair, I did not discover my subby-ness until my late thirties.

 

[elli1]

laughing!

I am forty-two and he will be thirty next week.

We celebrated our first year anniversary last week.

To be fair, I did not discover my subby-ness until my late thirties.

congratulations!
what can i say, i'm impatient

 

[sereneone4u]

You treasure that, and I know you do. To be in a D/s relationship that is so deep on a mental, physical, and emotion level is the most amazing thing. It makes you really understand what it's about.

I'm so very happy for you.

I very much do APPRECIATE my Dom.

He is an incredible person and a joy to know.

He makes me happy in spite of myself.

He allows me to lean on him however he makes me a stronger person in addition.

There are no words to describe how incredibly high our relationship makes me soar. Not to say we don't have our um, moments. Of course we do, however the joy, the sweetness our relationship brings me is hard for me to fathom at times.

I am very grateful, appreciative of what we have.

I tell him everyday.

Thank you.

 

[sereneone4u]

congratulations!
what can i say, i'm impatient

Ah but you are ahead of the game.
I did not have the knowledge of myself that you already possess.
Please do not be in so much of a hurry that you settle for the wrong Dom.
Even in vanilla relationships I think it is detrimental to settle for Mr. Right Now.
KIB was well worth the wait and then some.