Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[Cat]

This is has been brought up, in my opinion and in my experience, a gentleman dom won't push to get into a dynamic. He's content to wait and see how things progress, eager to talk and discuss expectations they both have, listen to fears and qualms, reassure, but also ensure that he's compatible with the sub.

It's a consensual agreement, after all.

Here's the "it was brought up" part. A gentleman dom should insist on them having a safeword, even if it's never used. Yes, "he should know her well enough" but that doesn't always happen right away, or they may be in a different mindset during play.

It also is there for both to use at ANY time. I was told this and I'm holding onto it. Even during conversations where I'm not prepared to comment or answer because I need to think.

Yes!!!!! To all of this.

 

[Endless_Night]

This is has been brought up, in my opinion and in my experience, a gentleman dom won't push to get into a dynamic. He's content to wait and see how things progress, eager to talk and discuss expectations they both have, listen to fears and qualms, reassure, but also ensure that he's compatible with the sub.

This. No one I've seriously considered has ever pushed me. They were always content to move slow, and see where things go.

You cannot give consent if the games have begun.. our mind and hormones are not our friends, and what we are willing to agree to when flying high, might not be the same when we have landed.

This is some seriously sage advice, Cat.

 

[Cat]

This. No one I've seriously considered has ever pushed me. They were always content to move slow, and see where things go.

That is no fun!!
But it is difficult to say why that is.

So many factors at play in this grey area, and with the risk of being able to push you too far, it is a good sign (!) That no one is jumping the gun and pushing you right of the bait.

This is some seriously sage advice, Cat.

- you would not let a drunk person drive, or ask a gambler what to bet on, when playing at the roulette.
It is some of the same (not all, but some) mechanisms, that are going on when engaging in the more risky BDSM games.

People wanting to be pushed and People needing to push, they fit so well together, but the chance of getting burnt is equally as high as the thrill, that they both seek.

Again, I am the last person to condemn this want/need.

- But I want people to do it as sane, safe and consensual as possible.

 

[Endless_Night]

But I want people to do it as sane, safe and consensual as possible.

Maybe we should make up t-shirts?

 

[cascadiabound]

Maybe we should make up t-shirts?

you're welcome

 

[Endless_Night]

View attachment 2487519
you're welcome

Thank you, but I'm going to have to have something in a muted green, blue, or pink. Black is so not my color.

 

[Cat]

Maybe we should make up t-shirts?

So, I like ropes.. I do not think that comes as any surprise.

A little while ago, I wanted to learn how to tie myself, not because I want to tie anyone, more because I have a quite high need of control (and an ever higher to need to hand it over, but then again..an impossible difficult time doing just that).

I wanted to learn how to tie prettily and safely.

So, I went to the local BDSM club! What better place to learn the ropes, than from the friendly kink people themselves.

Gosh, it was an eye-opener for sure!
We were handed this A4 paper, with more than 20 questions which we needed to go through with our rope-partner.
Mind you, this was a daytime class, clothes on, no sexy time allowed.
- First it seemed truly ridiculous.. I mean we were just learning how to tie ropes?!
But, 15 minutes or so into class.. seeing that glazed over look in people's eyes.
Yeah, you could not ask for consent at that point, it needed to be established before you started.

And that was without the fun thrill of sexy times being an option!

That is why I will say at many times as needed. You cannot ask for consent if the games have begun.

 

[Cat]

View attachment 2487519
you're welcome

... I am too pale for black.. a slighty muted mint?

 

[cascadiabound]

Thank you, but I'm going to have to have something in a muted green, blue, or pink. Black is so not my color.

... I am too pale for black.. a slighty muted mint?

Geez - picky picky.

Of course when you order it you can have any color you want.

 

[MindYaBitness]

@MindYaBitness has some expertise on this topic. Has she weighed in?

Well, I'm not particularly active in this community, but since @Mr_bogey tagged me, here's my two cents. I'm curvy and almost freakishly confident, and that draws a certain kind of man that views me as a thing to be conquered, not a partner in pleasure. In my real life, and overwhelmingly online, these men put themselves forth as "doms". Their Dom status is about as valid as anyone who's self diagnosing ASD after watching too many TikToks.

My most recent DM was from just a such a man asking if I was as dumb as I was busty, because he's a dom and and he likes them stupid I had to disappoint him by letting him know that I was intelligent, competent, and highly ambitious. And, that my submission had been given to a man who earned it.

My best friend is a masochistic sub. She loves pain, but not humiliation. Her search for true Dom has been difficult as they are often just misogynists who want permission to be pigs, but none of the responsibilities of a true Dom

Reading through the last few pages, it looks like everyone here has a pretty good grasp on this gs. So, I would pose the question, how does the community police itself? By that I mean, how does a sub seeking a Gentleman Dom know what she's getting g before it's too late?

 

[Neanderthal247]

A Gentleman Dom treats his sub like a princess or queen in everyday life, but in bed like the whore she likes to be. Not like the bitch he wants her to be. A sensitive Dom does not need a safeword or a stop sign. Because he knows that her pleasure counts more than his.

I don't fully agree with this, the part of her pleasure over his, my needs are important as well. However I know I am not gentle and I don't consider myself a Dom, but I play one on TV.

 

[Neanderthal247]

Well, I'm not particularly active in this community, but since @Mr_bogey tagged me, here's my two cents. I'm curvy and almost freakishly confident, and that draws a certain kind of man that views me as a thing to be conquered, not a partner in pleasure. In my real life, and overwhelmingly online, these men put themselves forth as "doms". Their Dom status is about as valid as anyone who's self diagnosing ASD after watching too many TikToks.

My most recent DM was from just a such a man asking if I was as dumb as I was busty, because he's a dom and and he likes them stupid

Sounds like he just wants an easy victim and doesn't plan on living up to his side of the bargain.

I had to disappoint him by letting him know that I was intelligent, competent, and highly ambitious. And, that my submission had been given to a man who earned it.

100%
I know from experience, that you're highly intelligent

My best friend is a masochistic sub. She loves pain, but not humiliation. Her search for true Dom has been difficult as they are often just misogynists who want permission to be pigs, but none of the responsibilities of a true Dom

Reading through the last few pages, it looks like everyone here has a pretty good grasp on this gs. So, I would pose the question, how does the community police itself?

Through reputation and word of mouth, from others in the community. Eventually the truth gets revealed and ladies are smart enough to know, who are the pretenders

By that I mean, how does a sub seeking a Gentleman Dom know what she's getting g before it's too late?

Better question, which I don't have a suitable answer for. Only thing I could think of, is asking the ladies in the community and watching his actions, before giving yourself to him.

 

[MiaBabe23]

I don't fully agree with this, the part of her pleasure over his, my needs are important as well. However I know I am not gentle and I don't consider myself a Dom, but I play one on TV.

I thought the suggestion wasn’t about one person’s needs mattering more, but where that pleasure comes from?
When I’ve submitted, my pleasure comes from giving him pleasure, responding to his urges, serving him. Not because my needs don’t matter, but because it feels so good serving him that it fulfills my needs (edit - should add that a good dominant, whatever approach, obviously equally wants their sub to feel as good)
And I suppose the suggestion above is that the Gentleman similarly has his needs most met through his sub’s pleasure?
So every dominant has it in them to be a Gentleman lol

 

[Venefica]

That is what my husband says.

He want to see, hear and taste that I get pleasure from what he does with me. So, even being my DOM, he serves my lust.

 

[Neanderthal247]

I thought the suggestion wasn’t about one person’s needs mattering more, but where that pleasure comes from?
When I’ve submitted, my pleasure comes from giving him pleasure, responding to his urges, serving him. Not because my needs don’t matter, but because it feels so good serving him that it fulfills my needs (edit - should add that a good dominant, whatever approach, obviously equally wants their sub to feel as good)
And I suppose the suggestion above is that the Gentleman similarly has his needs most met through his sub’s pleasure?
So every dominant has it in them to be a Gentleman lol

I was responding to his words " Because he knows that her pleasure counts more than his.", I don't agree, it's gave and take and depends on our the situation. There's times she requires something different and I do it because I love her and want her needs met, but I fully expect it to be reciprocated. There's times I'm lost in passion and not thinking about what she wants, that's why safe words are so important or you run the risk of 911 all up in your house.

 

[YourGentleDom]

There's times I'm lost in passion and not thinking about what she wants, that's why safe words are so important or you run the risk of 911 all up in your house.

A Gentleman Dom is never so lost in his passion that it could be a problem That‘s why I never needed a safeword. And I never heard a no. If I heard a safeword or a no, I would know I had done something wrong

 

[barefootgirl69]

A Gentleman Dom is never so lost in his passion that it could be a problem That‘s why I never needed a safeword. And I never heard a no. If I heard a safeword or a no, I would know I had done something wrong

The fact that you "have never needed a safeword" is a little disconcerting. Do you still have one in place in case your submissive chooses to use it?

 

[cascadiabound]

A Gentleman Dom is never so lost in his passion that it could be a problem That‘s why I never needed a safeword. And I never heard a no. If I heard a safeword or a no, I would know I had done something wrong

Do you really believe it's impossible for you to lose control? In the heights of passion? In the escalation of what she says she wants?

It may be that your version of intimacy has zero risk involved, no pain play, no bondage play, no toys that can become too intense or just used too long. And it may be that you have achieved a perfect mind meld with your lover...

But frankly I am dubious. Get a safe word. For yourself. For her. To believe you will never need one is arrogant imo and is a red flag for me.

 

[Mrtenant]

I'm gonna throw this out there. Curious how this thread is something about Gentleman Doms and there is now this big dialogue debate over many things that are not G- Doms.

Not trying to be a buzzkill here, (okay, maybe I am) but perhaps we circle the conversation back around to me, the Gentleman Dom?

Manners. Plain and simple. Incorporate your domination into good manners sprinkled with some romance and some chivalry. Nothing wrong with that.

Can you do it and still be a bad boy biker type, gangster? Certainly. Humorous, crude, joking scoundrel of a gentleman Dom? But of course.

Point is, people are much more complex than any one label. Many of us seem to have learned and figured out a few things, many are still learning, some will never learn. I like to think I am always still learning. Because I am.

Also point is, and not least, is take care of your partner. It's not so hard. Be taken care of by your partner.

Be excellent to one another.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

I'm gonna throw this out there. Curious how this thread is something about Gentleman Doms and there is now this big dialogue debate over many things that are not G- Doms.

Not trying to be a buzzkill here, (okay, maybe I am) but perhaps we circle the conversation back around to me, the Gentleman Dom?

Manners. Plain and simple. Incorporate your domination into good manners sprinkled with some romance and some chivalry. Nothing wrong with that.

Can you do it and still be a bad boy biker type, gangster? Certainly. Humorous, crude, joking scoundrel of a gentleman Dom? But of course.

Point is, people are much more complex than any one label. Many of us seem to have learned and figured out a few things, many are still learning, some will never learn. I like to think I am always still learning. Because I am.

Also point is, and not least, is take care of your partner. It's not so hard. Be taken care of by your partner.

Be excellent to one another.

Bill & Ted, as well as you, summarized existence with other humans well - be excellent to each other.

I remind myself often that words mean slightly different things to each person. Just as many of us see colors and hues slightly differently from others, so it is with words. To illustrate this from a uniquely American view, what a gentleman is, Dom or not, in the hills of West Virginia will look wildly different from a gentleman in NYC. Both are men, both are American, but their cultures are wildly different.

So it is with our words.

 

[Mrtenant]

Bill & Ted, as well as you, summarized existence with other humans well - be excellent to each other.

I remind myself often that words mean slightly different things to each person. Just as many of us see colors and hues slightly differently from others, so it is with words. To illustrate this from a uniquely American view, what a gentleman is, Dom or not, in the hills of West Virginia will look wildly different from a gentleman in NYC. Both are men, both are American, but their cultures are wildly different.

So it is with our words.

Exactly

 

[crazychemgirl]

A Gentleman Dom is never so lost in his passion that it could be a problem That‘s why I never needed a safeword. And I never heard a no. If I heard a safeword or a no, I would know I had done something wrong

You’re not engaging in good play if you don’t have a safe word… just putting that out there.

 

[Frankjba1]

There should be a consensual agreement between both parties involved. Show up every day and do not establish expectations that cannot be sustained throughout the relationship. Respect her. Cherish her. Communicate what works and what doesn't, but above all else make her feel valued and loved. Every. Single. Day.

 

[Mrtenant]

There should be a consensual agreement between both parties involved. Show up every day and do not establish expectations that cannot be sustained throughout the relationship. Respect her. Cherish her. Communicate what works and what doesn't, but above all else make her feel valued and loved. Every. Single. Day.

Consensual is good.

Should she also respect you? Cherish you? Make you feel valued and loved?

Otherwise, wouldn't you be nothing more than a fancy dildo?

 

[Frankjba1]

Consensual is good.

Should she also respect you? Cherish you? Make you feel valued and loved?

Otherwise, wouldn't you be nothing more than a fancy dildo?

Through actions and communication this is earned... not a given.