Rebellious Natured?

[sea217]

So I know that I'm new to the Lit Boards, but I've been curious/dabbling in these sorts of things for a while, and had some honest questions.

I would LOVE to become a true submissive, but I have problems acquiescing to the demands, especially since I'm the sort of person who generally likes to make up their own mind about things, and doesn't take well to being told what to do.

A paradox, to be sure, but I really WOULD like to find a way to make my personality and my desires compatable...

Does anyone have any advice for me? It would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

 

[CutieMouse]

First question - how do you define a "true submissive"? Meaning - what magical qualities do you feel a "true submissive" has that you do not?

 

[catalina_francisco]

There is no such thing as a 'true submissive', there are submissives who are individuals with a huge variety of personality traits which often do not resemble each other. My question would be why you feel you wish to be a submissive? Depending on the answer and what drives you to want this, the advice on how to achieve it will vary.

One common misconception is that submissives need someone to tell them how to run their lives, need someone to think for them, and are completely helpless and hopeless on their own. More often than not the reverse is true in that many submissives are more than capable of running their own lives and making their own decisions, and have actually done so for many years/decades. The reason they submit is not to have someone take the responsibility out of their hands so they no longer have to bear responsibility for themselves and their lives, but more so because they have a desire to submit to another. In being capable of running and directing their own lives, many Dominants feel they have something worthwhile to offer, and also can utilise some of those skills for their own purposes.

For some whoe wish to submit it will mean they seek someone to submit to, for others it may be they meet someone who inspires that desire for the first time in their life. Once they know that is what they wish, then it is a matter of finding to what degree they wish to submit....is it something for just the occasional time, is it more regular, is it only in the bedroom, or is it more a lifestyle which is lived 24/7 without time out? No way is the right or true way, only the correct or most compatible way for those involved.

Catalina

 

[sea217]

LOL...

I do see what you're saying, and I do know that there is no magical component that just *poof* makes me a *true sub*, but I guess what I'm asking is... how do I help things along? Or- how do I learn how to stop trying to assert my own control.

(Does that clarify? If not, I can try again! )

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm baking cookies with short humans at the moment, but I'll respond further in a bit.

 

[subbie_333]

LOL...

I do see what you're saying, and I do know that there is no magical component that just *poof* makes me a *true sub*, but I guess what I'm asking is... how do I help things along? Or- how do I learn how to stop trying to assert my own control.

(Does that clarify? If not, I can try again! )

Maybe the better question is: why do you want to stop trying to assert your own control?

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL...

I do see what you're saying, and I do know that there is no magical component that just *poof* makes me a *true sub*, but I guess what I'm asking is... how do I help things along? Or- how do I learn how to stop trying to assert my own control.

(Does that clarify? If not, I can try again! )

Sort of. Do you have someone already to whom you are submitting? If so, they are the ones who will need to find what will help you achieve the desired goal. If not, I would say you do not need to stop asserting your own control until you do, and even then it might be you still have to maintain control in some form in your life. For example, I am a 24/7 TPE slave which for some means they make no decisions, they ask permission for many things, they don't do anything without asking. For us though it means he utilises the skills I already had from living my own life, raising my children alone, paying a mortgage etc., as well as he adds to that so I am able to make more decisions, take care of many things, without needing to bother him with asking permission or guidance continuously....by doing so it relieves him of a lot which for us makes sense when seeking to have a slave...LOL, our way of thinking is you do not as an Owner want to have a bigger workload by taking care of everything plus slave's every breathing moment, if it would be less work to not have one. So in that way, I have to be able to at least control things in his name and according to his expectations, not sit down and be taken care of and directed. Though it is an illusion in that he controls me as his slave, it is an effective illusion that minimises his need to follow up and/or deal with things.

An easy answer in how to not rebel when expected to submit in a way which perhaps does not sit well with you initially is to remember why it is you wished to submit in the first place. Reality is not always so easy, but it is about what you want, and doing your best to abide by it. None of us is perfect, we all have less than wonderful moments, but it is a journey which continues as long as you choose to walk the path.

Catalina

 

[twysted73]

Well Sea, I must apologize for not meeting you at Lit's front door as you became a member. Else I'd have told you that unless you like instant dog piles, you should never say "True" anything.

It's like rubbing sand & tiger balm simultaneously into everyone's collective clits.

As for you harnessing your spirited, sammy-self....not knowing thing one about you, I would guess you go one of three routs.

*clears throat*

1.) You can accept that you're spirited, energetic & untamable and accept not having a Dominant personality above you. (never a popular choice for anyone who would like to enjoy this lovely stuff we do in here)

2.) Seek out a Dominant personality who excells at breaking wild mares/stallions such as yourself and see where that leads you.

or

3.) Delve deeper into who YOU are, what you want to enjoy and practice. Once you know yourself better you'll know whether you're a Pyl/pyl or Switch continuing on from there.

Either way, happy hunting.

 

[ecstaticsub]

So I know that I'm new to the Lit Boards, but I've been curious/dabbling in these sorts of things for a while, and had some honest questions.

I would LOVE to become a true submissive, but I have problems acquiescing to the demands, especially since I'm the sort of person who generally likes to make up their own mind about things, and doesn't take well to being told what to do.

A paradox, to be sure, but I really WOULD like to find a way to make my personality and my desires compatable...

Does anyone have any advice for me? It would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

Welcome!

My opinion is that you can be both. I am do not take orders well at all. I am strong willed and stongly opinionated. I am the main decision maker in my household. I am a supervisor at work. No one would ever think that I was a submissive.

However, when it comes to my PYL I am obedient and completely surrendered.

 

[subbie_333]

Maybe the better question is: why do you want to stop trying to assert your own control?

Maybe i need to qualify my post.

Your profile makes no mention of BDSM, but, does state that your age is 20. What sort of experience do you have in BDSM that makes you believe that you want to become a better submissive and that you need to reign in your rebellious nature? If you have little, no, or the wrong (from a dominant with wrong ideas) experience about being a submissive, then, where did you get your information about what makes a good submissive? Also, if you are naturally rebellious, maybe you are not meant to be a submissive, and, there is nothing wrong with that.

Maybe if you tell us where you are coming from, maybe we can do a better job of helping you get to where you are going.

 

[CutieMouse]

Maybe i need to qualify my post.

Your profile makes no mention of BDSM, but, does state that your age is 20. What sort of experience do you have in BDSM that makes you believe that you want to become a better submissive and that you need to reign in your rebellious nature? If you have little, no, or the wrong (from a dominant with wrong ideas) experience about being a submissive, then, where did you get your information about what makes a good submissive? Also, if you are naturally rebellious, maybe you are not meant to be a submissive, and, there is nothing wrong with that.

Maybe if you tell us where you are coming from, maybe we can do a better job of helping you get to where you are going.

He said all the stuff I was going to say.

 

[sea217]

To answer what I can remember without painstakingly going thru each response (And thank you all, btw, for taking what I'm asking seriously, because I really am looking for help here)....

I am 20 yrs of age, but I have had a very... varied sex life until this point. I'm currently in a monagamous (sp) relationship with my husband, and we're both trying to feel our way into things pertaining to dom/sub relationships, while also keeping our 7mo daughter in mind.

I guess when I was saying that I was looking for information was that I would like to find ways to curb my... penchant to talk back, assert myself at times when I shouldn't.... and be a brat in general. (If that makes any sense) And after hearing what was said, I do think that my husband should be the one to help teach me that... I just thought I'd come here & see if I could do some homework on my own before bothering him.

Thanks again for all the constructive advice. I really was worried that I'd be laughed at for asking this, but I was *hoping* that the good-naturedness that I've seen thus far on the boards would be extended to n00b questions that, while somewhat vague & silly, are still heartfelt.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Oooooh

So I know that I'm new to the Lit Boards, but I've been curious/dabbling in these sorts of things for a while, and had some honest questions.

I would LOVE to become a true submissive, but I have problems acquiescing to the demands, especially since I'm the sort of person who generally likes to make up their own mind about things, and doesn't take well to being told what to do.

A paradox, to be sure, but I really WOULD like to find a way to make my personality and my desires compatable...

Does anyone have any advice for me? It would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

I think the only way a person can be a true submissive is being true to themselves, true as a qualifier is undeterminable and every person asked will give a diffrent criteria....

And its a idealistic concept.

 

[twysted73]

I just responded to another persoan looking as well.

Maybe it may assist you too.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=28589893&postcount=2

Once you know what kind of submissive you are coupled with what kind of Dominant he can or is able to be for you (as he seems to be the only choice at the moment) you'll be able to head in the right direction from there.

 

[catalina_francisco]

To answer what I can remember without painstakingly going thru each response (And thank you all, btw, for taking what I'm asking seriously, because I really am looking for help here)....

I am 20 yrs of age, but I have had a very... varied sex life until this point. I'm currently in a monagamous (sp) relationship with my husband, and we're both trying to feel our way into things pertaining to dom/sub relationships, while also keeping our 7mo daughter in mind.

I guess when I was saying that I was looking for information was that I would like to find ways to curb my... penchant to talk back, assert myself at times when I shouldn't.... and be a brat in general. (If that makes any sense) And after hearing what was said, I do think that my husband should be the one to help teach me that... I just thought I'd come here & see if I could do some homework on my own before bothering him.

Thanks again for all the constructive advice. I really was worried that I'd be laughed at for asking this, but I was *hoping* that the good-naturedness that I've seen thus far on the boards would be extended to n00b questions that, while somewhat vague & silly, are still heartfelt.

It is fun to explore together, and unless you are thinking of going outside the relationship, is always the best person to work with. Others can help with advice or relating what their experiences have been, but then you need to take what might/will work for both of you, and leave the rest aside. I would guess what you are experiencing is the usual difficulty in switching gears in the brain to adjust to the newly introduced dynamics. It doesn't mean you cannot be, or are not meant to be submissive, it is just what most of us, both Dominant and submissive deal with when transitioning and trying to leave life learned habits/mannerisms behind, while living in a world which in many ways contradicts our new choices while singing the praises of more mainstream style accepted behaviour. It takes work, and is easier once you feel more sure of what you are doing/where you are going, so is in no way impossible to achieve.

Catalina

 

[VelvetDarkness]

There are plenty of ways to be submissive, as others have said. If your husband likes having a slightly rebellious woman who he has to subdue, then all you're really doing is giving him what he wants - which is still service right? I am personally very service oriented and like to pre-empt as many of my Master's daily wants and needs as possible (without being an over-zealous pain in the ass) but equally, if I'm in a belligerent mood and he's of a mind to put me back in my place by force, it can be a lot of fun.

Whatever style of D/s dynamic you guys settle into, it's all changeable according to mood and you shouldn't ever feel stifled into a role that's limiting.

I think also, your husband's confidence and experience as a dom will affect your willingness to submit. Some subs (like me) just can't help testing their boundaries and if a dom isn't secure enough in his own role and the relationship as a whole to deal with that effectively, I get disappointed. It's probably unfair but it's how I'm wired. I have to see how far I can push, at least once.

It may be that because of your 'varied' past you're more comfortable with submission and other kinks like masochism than he is with the flipside of the coin. If that's the case you may just have to be patient until he feels his way into the new role and catches you up. Most western men are taught from a very young age to treat women with respect and it's always at the back of a male dominant's mind that he could seriously hurt a female sub through an error of judgement or 'getting carried away.' He has to have confidence in himself before he starts imposing his will upon you and letting his inner bastard out of his cage. There is also the fear that if D/s doesn't work out, trust and respect between a couple will be damaged. Some things can't be taken back or unsaid so your husband's more cautious approach may be better in the long run.

Of course, I always reserve the right to be way off base. These are just my thoughts.

It also depends on whether you just want a little fun in the bedroom or a dynamic where your husband rules the home and makes the important decisions. You might find googling for a BDSM checklist a handy starting point. If you both fill one out you'll have a clearer idea of the sorts of things you both want to try. They can also be reviewed and updated at intervals.

 

[ivantheterrible]

i only want a "true" sub in the bedroom/sex area. the rest of the time she should be able to take care of herself and do as she pleases.

 

[CutieMouse]

i only want a "true" sub in the bedroom/sex area. the rest of the time she should be able to take care of herself and do as she pleases.

Dude...

Can.

Worms.

Care to rephrase?

 

[Netzach]

I guess when I was saying that I was looking for information was that I would like to find ways to curb my... penchant to talk back, assert myself at times when I shouldn't.... and be a brat in general.

Ask yourself, before you have something smart to say, if this is helping your relationship or not. If it's going to make your husband want to Dominate you more or if it's going to make him sigh and feel like whatever he does it's pointless anyway. If it's going to pull you together or if it's going to create more distance. If it's good communication.

If you want to serve, do it. If you want to be subdued by someone else, you'd best find someone who wants to do that dynamic. If you are saying one thing and doing something entirely different, your word becomes less trustworthy. Not a turnon, eh?

The bottom line is that what you say IS your responsibility. What you think IS your responsibility. There are entire military run regimes set up to make people "not talk back" and in some cases they fail till the person is dead. Your husband isn't backed by that kind of power, just the power you assign to him and just the respect you have for him. If you check in with your sense of respect and it still doesn't shut you up in this case - the problem isn't HIM. Or it really IS him, to the point where you've both got a huge problem.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Dude...

Can.

Worms.

Care to rephrase?

I know. There should be a big neon sign somewhere saying

"THE TERM 'TRUE SUBMISSIVE' IS NOT PERMITTED HERE! IT'S AS OFFENSIVE AND POINTLESS AS THE PHRASE 'IF YOU LOVED ME, YOU WOULD... "​

Thankyou.

 

[twysted73]

Yeah, you'd be safer saying "Discarded Fetuses".

Oooh..too off color?

Sorry. Just came off a rant over in another thread and I'm still feelin' sasseh!
Alright chillins....Unka Twysted's gotta go earn some dough.

Have a damn good afternoon or whatever it may be in your part o' the world.

 

[A Desert Rose]

What's true to one person isn't always true to another, but that doesn't make the true-ness any less valid.

If a Dominant prefers a sassy, sammy submissive, does that mean she (or he) is not a true submissive? Try telling the Dominant who adores his/her sassy, sammy submissive that she's not a true sub.

True submission or domination does exist. It's whatever an individual considers it to be and that makes it true to him/her. True, genuine, authentic, real... they are just words that people employ to describe an image of what they seek out in a partner. The use of those words by someone else, doesn't diminish what is true to me, anymore than what is true to me should impact someone else.

No one's reality is the same as another's. No one's truth is the same as another's.

I don't take the "true submissive" phrase as a blanket statement regarding all submissives. I don't think the intention is to offended legions of submissives. I think it's used when someone is describing a true-ness they own... in their own mind, imagination, reality, whatever.

And if someone is making that a blanket statement, it doesn't matter to me.

I'm pretty secure in what I find that is true and genuine in other people and I'm not offended by others who are looking for that special "true" someone for themselves.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

What's true to one person isn't always true to another, but that doesn't make the true-ness any less valid.

If a Dominant prefers a sassy, sammy submissive, does that mean she (or he) is not a true submissive? Try telling the Dominant who adores his/her sassy, sammy submissive that she's not a true sub.

True submission or domination does exist. It's whatever an individual considers it to be and that makes it true to him/her. True, genuine, authentic, real... they are just words that people employ to describe an image of what they seek out in a partner. The use of those words by someone else, doesn't diminish what is true to me, anymore than what is true to me should impact someone else.

No one's reality is the same as another's. No one's truth is the same as another's.

I don't take the "true submissive" phrase as a blanket statement regarding all submissives. I don't think the intention is to offended legions of submissives. I think it's used when someone is describing a true-ness they own... in their own mind, imagination, reality, whatever.

And if someone is making that a blanket statement, it doesn't matter to me.

I'm pretty secure in what I find that is true and genuine in other people and I'm not offended by others who are looking for that special "true" someone for themselves.

I do agree, most of the time it's not a term that bothers me, certainly not on the forums really. It gets tricky when somebody is seeking a dom and because their style of submission doesn't suit Master-horny-net-geek they get told that they're 'not a true submissive' which can be quite damaging to someone who's just trying to figure out what they're seeking sexually. The other chestnut is 'a true submissive would...' which is utter BS that needs calling at every available opportunity.

Other than that, I completely agree with you.