Rape and bleeding

[blondevirgin]

Sorry to hear that. In some ways I kind of understand how you feel, except it was a boyfriend of mine who used me and forced me to please him etc. He made me feel nasty and dirty and used for 15 months, and it's taken me 4 years to get over. But thanks to lit I'm definitely on the mend now. This place really is good Stick around ok?

So feeling dirty will eventually go away?

One day I may feel worthy of love?

I don't care if either ever happens or not.......I just want to be able to hope they might...

 

[TBKahuna123]

So feeling dirty will eventually go away?

One day I may feel worthy of love?

I don't care if either ever happens or not.......I just want to be able to hope they might...

Time heals all wounds, but often times they'll heal faster if you get some help. I hate to say I've seen too many women go through this, but I'll tell you this, every one of them that went and talked to a counselor healed faster than those who didn't. It's a rough road, I mean it's the ultimate violation, so the fact that you are hurt emotionally is not anything out of the norm and it is not a sign of weakness. You can heal, those feelings will go away, but not if you just lock them inside.

Remember, all us guys aren't like the one that hurt you, in fact there are more nice guys out there than assholes. You just tend to miss us because we don't come on as strong. Still there will be a time when you'll meet someone who cares about you, you'll push him away but he won't go. You'll tell him why you're pushing, he'll say he doesn't care. In then end you'll learn to believe that he's for real and it'll feel like an epiphany.

I can't tell you when, where or who, but there is hope. Never give up hope.

 

[SweetErika]

So feeling dirty will eventually go away?

One day I may feel worthy of love?

I don't care if either ever happens or not.......I just want to be able to hope they might...

My experience has been they ease or go away with time and a hell of a lot of work. In large part, you can make them go away by actively identifying and challenging the thoughts and feelings. One epiphany I had was, 'Am I holding on to this? If so, why...what do I think I'm gaining by keeping it, or what purpose is this serving?' The answers were varied, but one that really jumped out was: I'm keeping certain thoughts and feelings because the reinforce long-held beliefs about myself. To take your worthy of love example, the reality was I never felt quite worthy deep down, and the effects of the rape just magnified that and gave me all the more reason to keep believing it (face it, we don't really love to truly change/fix ourselves). Often I had to really dig for the root beliefs, but once I found and addressed them, the rape-related feelings eased.

As TBK said, specialized counseling was key in working these out. I did all of the work, but my therapist and the program got me thinking and probing. I think hoping they'll go away is good for us and realistic, BUT only if we're willing to do the work to help ourselves. It sucks, and is incredibly unfair, but my belief is it's one of the big things that differentiates a victim and a survivor.

 

[ickle_stace]

So feeling dirty will eventually go away?

One day I may feel worthy of love?

I don't care if either ever happens or not.......I just want to be able to hope they might...

it took me time to stop those feelings. But I've always been a very determined person in other aspects of my life.

In time I just thought to myself "why the hell am i letting that a**-hole ruin my chance of being happy?" and I decided it was time I changed it and sorted my head out. And it was hard at first, but it'll happen in time

You are worthy of love and one day you will realise it, and someone will treat you like a princess, and you'll wonder why you ever thought you weren't worthy of it I haven't found that guy for me yet, but I know he's out there somewhere

 

[blondevirgin]

Right now all I want is hope...

I would also love to be able to sleep at night. When I can go to sleep, I am plagued by bad dreams. I may not car remember them but I remember tossing and turning all night long while I ran. Often, I wake up crying.

 

[ickle_stace]

Right now all I want is hope...

I would also love to be able to sleep at night. When I can go to sleep, I am plagued by bad dreams. I may not car remember them but I remember tossing and turning all night long while I ran. Often, I wake up crying.

maybe it would be an idea to go see a counsellor for some help hun?

 

[blondevirgin]

maybe it would be an idea to go see a counsellor for some help hun?

Yeah, it would. But I can't as I don't have the money. I checked at my college and all they have is academic counselors. The battered women's shelters is who handles this in my area and they all know me. If I walked in, my family would know before the door shut behind me. I can't go there. I know it sounds like I am just making excuses but I am not.

 

[Bandit58]

Yeah, it would. But I can't as I don't have the money. I checked at my college and all they have is academic counselors. The battered women's shelters is who handles this in my area and they all know me. If I walked in, my family would know before the door shut behind me. I can't go there. I know it sounds like I am just making excuses but I am not.

www.rainn.org

They have a national sexual assault hotline (in the US):

National Sexual Assault Hotline
Among its programs, RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE. This nationwide partnership of more than 1,100 local rape treatment hotlines provides victims of sexual assault with free, confidential services around the clock. The hotline helped 133,000 sexual assault victims in 2004 and has helped more than 900,000 since it began in 1994.

 

[Bandit58]

Right now all I want is hope...

I would also love to be able to sleep at night. When I can go to sleep, I am plagued by bad dreams. I may not car remember them but I remember tossing and turning all night long while I ran. Often, I wake up crying.

*Hugs blondevirgin*
I used to have nightmares too......I would wake up with my heart pounding and feeling very frightened but of what I didn't remember. Since I have been with Gil they have mostly gone but now and then it will happen again, mostly when he is in hospital and I am alone in our bed

Hopefully if you can get some counselling or even find a close friend to talk to your demons will fade - I know they never entirely go away but you can deal better with them

 

[blondevirgin]

*Hugs blondevirgin*
I used to have nightmares too......I would wake up with my heart pounding and feeling very frightened but of what I didn't remember. Since I have been with Gil they have mostly gone but now and then it will happen again, mostly when he is in hospital and I am alone in our bed

Hopefully if you can get some counselling or even find a close friend to talk to your demons will fade - I know they never entirely go away but you can deal better with them

I have been talking to a friend some.... I haven't told any details tho.

I have started writing: I went back and wrote down every big thing I remember from my childhood until now (I did this because of another ex who was abusive and stalked me--I decided to just cover it all) and I am going back and addressing why each event I listed has made me feel the way I do. For now, that is all I can do...

I have thought long and hard about pressing charges. Being so long ago, I don't know if I can? It will be my word against his now. I wonder if I did if it would be cathartic for me? Something that I could do to release it? Does that make sense?

 

[blondevirgin]

www.rainn.org

They have a national sexual assault hotline (in the US):

I thought they were just a referral service? That they wouldn't actually counsel, they just referred you to somebody local?

 

[A_Kefka]

even if all they do is refer you wouldn't that be helpful?

 

[jen_girly]

Big Hugs sweety.

 

[blondevirgin]

even if all they do is refer you wouldn't that be helpful?

Yes. But I have worked with victims of domestic violence/child abuse/sexaual assault. I CANNOT go to one of the agencies in this town. The next closest town is 45 minutes away and I would be missed if I went away for that long. There would be questions as to why... If I go to the agencies here, my family will know before I get back home. That isn't an option.

You may ask why I don't want my family to know? Well, my mother has berated me for months, and is still mad at me, for seeing this man. Yeah, it was stupid on my part and I am paying for it now.... If she tells me one more time how stupid it was to see hit to begin with, I don't think I can handle it.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes. But I have worked with victims of domestic violence/child abuse/sexaual assault. I CANNOT go to one of the agencies in this town. The next closest town is 45 minutes away and I would be missed if I went away for that long. There would be questions as to why... If I go to the agencies here, my family will know before I get back home. That isn't an option.

Any counseling you're referred to will be confidential. Maybe you can go 'visit' some old coworkers, or find some other way to explain why you're there (you're volunteering/helping out, doing research for school, working on a special project, etc.). Your counselor, if she's at one of the places you've worked, will help you with a cover story to keep it confidential. They have to protect women and children from abusers, right? They'll help you the same way.

Well, my mother has berated me for months, and is still mad at me, for seeing this man. Yeah, it was stupid on my part and I am paying for it now.... .

Don't take another step down that road. It wasn't stupid, and this isn't some kind of punishment for a "mistake." You did the best you could with what you had/knew at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, right? We'd all do most things in life differently if we'd known then. We all date bad guys and pick bad friends...it's a fact of life. But assault is NEVER a just consequence for choosing a bad friend or date.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Perhaps we should put together a list of guys who'll volunteer to beat the fuck out of the worthless piece of shit involved in this.

I'll volunteer my hubby.

put my name down as well and i have 50 acres availible to hide the parts that are left.


i am hoping you went to the er and got checked out. and i hope the cops where called as well.

 

[jethrobodeen]

So feeling dirty will eventually go away?

One day I may feel worthy of love?

I don't care if either ever happens or not.......I just want to be able to hope they might...

Blondevirgin, we'll love you until you feel worthy love yourself.

Not trying to turn this in to a religious thread... I know there are a lot of members who will agree and disagree with my belief that there is a God, one who loves us no matter what. Just a suggestion that I haven't seen yet, if there's a church you can go to nearby, and if you can get yourself inside, you might try asking to speak with the pastor's wife. You'll get a giant hug and tons of support. Might help "prop you up" while going through other treatments. If you're concerned about brainwashing or cultism, try one of the denominations like Methodist, Lutherin, Presbyterian, etc... where the clergy are allowed to marry {thus the pastor's wife} *HUGS*

-JB

 

[TBKahuna123]

Yes. But I have worked with victims of domestic violence/child abuse/sexaual assault. I CANNOT go to one of the agencies in this town. The next closest town is 45 minutes away and I would be missed if I went away for that long. There would be questions as to why... If I go to the agencies here, my family will know before I get back home. That isn't an option.

This is the thing that's it's taken me so long to understand, why victims of assault don't get help. The primary reason, I think, is embarassment. Embarassment that someone might find out, that everyone will look and point and whisper, "hey there's that girl who got raped". Well hun, I got news for you, that's not gonna happen because as sad as it is, you're a part of the MAJORITY, not the minority. The fact is rape counsellors are far to busy these days, and they'd be busier if everyone went to get help. You have nothing to be embarassed about, nothing, I htink if youwalked into someplace where you have been on the helping side of things, they would be even more eager to help YOU.

What comes around goes around, and you've helped victims in the past. Now it's time for you to get the help you need. There's no shame in that, there's nothing to be embarassed about. I mean, you worked with abuse victims because you wanted to, right? What makes the others there any different? They WANT to help you.

You may ask why I don't want my family to know? Well, my mother has berated me for months, and is still mad at me, for seeing this man. Yeah, it was stupid on my part and I am paying for it now.... If she tells me one more time how stupid it was to see hit to begin with, I don't think I can handle it.

There's a part of me that understands this reaction, because as a parent I'd feel guilt at not having been able to protect you. That said, it sounds to me like your mother is a negative type of person. My mother in law is the same way with my wife, so I understand your feelings. Why is she mad at you? That's stupid, it's ridiculous, and to keep telling some one I told you so it completely unfair.

I know saying forget what they think isn't an option. Still I would tell you that whether you tell them or not, if she's still bringing it up, she's not gonna stop now. It may seem like you just can't handle hearing it again, but it seems to me this is a big source of your embarassment. So she was right and the guy was bad news, big fucking deal. That doesn't justify what he did, it doesn't make you culpible. You did nothing wrong, even seeing him in the first place. There is no justification for abuse in any way shape or form.

Sweety, get some help. Go to the very people you've counselled others with and get the healing you deserve. You know how it works, you know it will help, and I can tell from your post that you WANT to go. You're afraid, and understandably so, but you can't let the fear dominate you anymore. That's what really let's him win.

 

[Mystical Avalon]

I have actually had first hand experience with this situation. One of my dearest and closest personal friends was raped. Same situation. She left of her own free will. She never lived to see anything done. He brutalized her in such a way that she lived only two days after the incident. It was not right beyond any circumstance. I lived with the what if's for the better part of 12 years now and I can say that it doesn't get any easier. We were drunk. Honey the shoulda/coulda/woulda's come everyday when I see her picture. What I did was join a local support group and started helping other girls and women that had been raped or friends of rape victims.

Kiki, having repeated the phrase medical attention for the umpteenth time, you should know that actions speak louder than words. You did what you thought was right at the time. If you had fought back what might have happened? Your body went into blank mode. Your mind went into a transition and shut down. But regardless of what other assholes say that you should have known better or you had it coming, well, the way I see it, NO means NO.

In a society where men can do it and women are trash if we do, it is hard to acknowledge some of the things that happen to us for that reason. But. ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS, there will always be someone there for you. The uncaring assholes that have tried to knock holes in your posts and blog only wish to justify some harbored hatred towards young women who take the upper hand. We all make mistakes. Regardless of what they say no one is perfect. Like I said there is always someone there willing to help. SweetErika was right about that. Your not alone and never think you are. Gorgeous or not, if some guy forced me after saying no, you can bet your ass I would be the last WOMAN he ever screwed. Take care of yourself Love. Even if it seems okey now, it will be with you forever if you keep it inside.

 

[ultimate_cin]

Keiki, something similar happened to my best friend when we were both just 16. A friend of ours had a boyfriend who was 21, and my best friend had started kind of seeing a buddy of his. My friend's boyfriend was having a get-together at his house...I was supposed to be there but I can't remember why I didn't go...at any rate, my best friend got drunk and passed out. She came to in the middle of the night to find the guy she'd been seeing on top of her, raping her. She struggled but was still too drunk to really fight him off and passed out again. I found out what happened two days later when I called her house and her mother told me that she was in the psychiatric ward of one of our local hospitals. Her reaction to the rape was to attempt suicide with pills, and her mother had her checked into the psych ward to keep her from hurting herself. She refused to go to the police because she said she knew their reaction would be that she brought it on herself by drinking in the first place.

For the longest time, I felt guilty because I hadn't gone, and if I had been there, I would have been able to keep an eye on her and prevent this from happening. It took me a long time to accept that it was not anybody's fault except for the jackass that raped her.

Keiki, I just wanted to tell you to hang in there and don't let anybody try to muddle what happened to you. Whether or not you were drunk, whether or not you flirted with this guy, whether or not you went back to his place with him....you still have the right to say NO if you don't want to have sex. And for him to force you into it is rape. Period, end of story. I hope that you can find someone to talk to and help you heal from this experience.