Random Funnies

[il mio angelo]

OK, so I notice that occasionally we all find something funny to post, so rather than making a new thread that fades after we have all read it, I thought I'd make one that we can all post funny stories or jokes to.

 

[il mio angelo]

"JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at
his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

The note reads: For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

 

[A Desert Rose]

That's cute... wish I had one to add... maybe tomorrow.

;-)

 

[Peter2002]

That made my day

Thanks.

 

[Chicklet]

*Just some ideas for bumper stickers...

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!

Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.

Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!

BU_ _ SH_ _!

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served.

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism

Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.

Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.

Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!

Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!

Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil

Don't think. Vote Bush!

George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency

George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot

God Save the King!

Let them eat yellowcake! Vote Bush!

Peace & Prosperity Suck -- Big-Time

Vote Bush in '04: "I Has Incumbentory Advantitude"

Vote Bush in '04: "Because every vote counts -- for me!"

Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier

Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!

Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!

Who would Jesus Bomb?

Bush/Cheney '04: "Leave no child a dime!"

 

[Chicklet]

sort of amusing...

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

 

[A Desert Rose]

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

 

[Krinaia]

Okay... I think you guys will appreciate this:


Today, I went to the children's museum. I took my inner child, who is a rambunxious (sp?) 9 yr. old with a bad knee. Luckily, my crazy asian friend took her inner child, age 6. We were incredibly excited to find a life size police man's motorcycle and clothes for playing make believe. She hopped onto the motorcycle and I put a hat on her head while someone threw a vest around her... all the while she's stabbing at the buttons they've installed that play sirens and make revving noises. I stand back, giggling and am suddenly inspired to play the criminal. I pose with my fake gun, toss my non existent mane and pretend to try to run, not knowing which way to go (in my zeal to escape the stationary motorbike). Suddenly, I give up and screaming, "You'll never take me alive!!" I turn my back to my classmates and put my wrists behind my back. Next thing I know, someone actually grabbed my wrists and restrained them there. And wouldn't you know it .... I was turned on. Been horny ever since.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Alan when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Alan's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Alan in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Wayne got mad at Alan for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Alan said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Mom, did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Billy is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Wayne gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Wayne said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Wayne is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.

In fact, he is teaching Brian how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Wayne wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Alan was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Wayne isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.

When Billy dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works.

Brian and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Wayne said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said he got sick the same way with food he ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.

He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters. Don't worry about anything we are fine.

Love, Jerry

 

[WillowPuss]

Oh goodness, Rose

that one hit home

For many years, I was an Akela ( a cub-scout leader) ... and one summer camp we DID have a bit of a flood ... and a few sleeping bags were found floating inside a tent.

The reat - thankfully is not typical ... well apart from the scout van was very old ... but the cubs didn't drive it - their feet didn't touch the pedals!

and ... well, at another camp, a can did blow up ... but that wasn't our boys that put it there ...

and ... at yet another summer camp - we took them canoeing (sp?) and ... well, one cub had to be rescued as he got stuck under a tree

and ... ohhh dear - that bought back so very many memories!!!

 

[A Desert Rose]

Oh goodness, Rose

that one hit home

For many years, I was an Akela ( a cub-scout leader) ... and one summer camp we DID have a bit of a flood ... and a few sleeping bags were found floating inside a tent.

The reat - thankfully is not typical ... well apart from the scout van was very old ... but the cubs didn't drive it - their feet didn't touch the pedals!

and ... well, at another camp, a can did blow up ... but that wasn't our boys that put it there ...

and ... at yet another summer camp - we took them canoeing (sp?) and ... well, one cub had to be rescued as he got stuck under a tree

and ... ohhh dear - that bought back so very many memories!!!

I love to make you smile...