Quick one-liner challenge thread

Liar said:
Challenge #1: It's 3 AM. You can't sleep to save your life and you have the munchies like it's college all over again. High time for a midnight snack. You stagger groggily out into the kitchen, only to find...

Jesus, son of God, Lord and Savior and All That Funk, caught red handed stuffing his face with your cheetos.

What do you say to him (or is that Him)?

"If you can turn the water into wine, you can bloody well turn the empty space in my cupboard into an avalanche of M&S food, and, as compensation, you can turn my bamboo plant into the biggest marijuana plant in the world. Do that, and I might start going to church again."
 
"You know I like to scoot my arse across that square of carpet by the front door. And yet you went ahead and replaced it with a bristle-brush mat... And you didn't even have the decency to warn me first. You bastards!"
 
Kudos, folks. But let's step it up a notch.

Challenge #3: You wake up in bed with the Dixie Chicks, Vladimir Putin and what can best be described as an over-sized spatula. What the hell happened last night?
 
Liar said:
Kudos, folks. But let's step it up a notch.

Challenge #3: You wake up in bed with the Dixie Chicks, Vladimir Putin and what can best be described as an over-sized spatula. What the hell happened last night?

oh i wish i were in dixie

hooray hooray
 
Liar said:
Kudos, folks. But let's step it up a notch.

Challenge #3: You wake up in bed with the Dixie Chicks, Vladimir Putin and what can best be described as an over-sized spatula. What the hell happened last night?

(Gets out of bed and dressed, all the time muttering) Nothing, I know nothing.
 
Liar said:
Kudos, folks. But let's step it up a notch.

Challenge #3: You wake up in bed with the Dixie Chicks, Vladimir Putin and what can best be described as an over-sized spatula. What the hell happened last night?

The Aunt Jemima treatment?
 
you wouldn't believe me if i told you....*blush...sneaks spatula into my purse and tiptoes out the door* :D
 
Dixie Chix are hiring Russian mafia as bodyguards to protect them against death threats, and the spatula is there to stir the borscht that they made to make Vlad welcome.
 
taking off the beer googles, you are shocked to learn that you are in the utensil aisle of Williams-Sonoma. The store manager (Putin) is looking aghast while the Dixie Chick mannequins in their aprons are saying nothing.
 
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