Question for the queers (and bis)

[3113]

No such thing, believe me. Anyone who wants to be with you, who really sees you and desires you, doesn't see "fat."

Or sees it and loves it.

SJ, Do you watch the "L-Word"? There was an episode with a cello player who was pretty hefty and I'm not talking merely plump. She was very sexy and it wasn no surprise when we saw one woman aggressively pursuing her and, eventually, having unbridled sex with her. "Fat" doesn't not mean ugly or lacking sexual appeal.

 

[sophia jane]

Not from a bi perspective, but from someone who 85% prefers penis - I went though a period where I was repulsed by giving head, or touching my partner sexually, or being touched in a sexual way. When I moved on from that partner, after a down-period of about six months with no sex whatsoever (and, yes, no desire for any) I suddenly met someone I was interested in and attracted to, and lo and behold, I had to have cock and stopped at nothing till I got it from this particular person. Where I'm going from this is, I could have had it from anyone, but I only wanted it when I felt an irresistable attraction to someone. I was repulsed by sex because of my emotions toward my ex - and men in general for awhile - and my emotions led me back into wanting sex again.

So, as far as your question, maybe when the right cock comes along you won't be repulsed by it. And if it doesn't, maybe your preference for men has changed; either way, you don't need to "decide" anything until you know in your heart it's true, because the heart is the only organ you can really trust anyway.

No such thing, believe me. Anyone who wants to be with you, who really sees you and desires you, doesn't see "fat."

Thank you for both of these posts. That helps, alot. What you said in the first post is actually very much in line with a conversation I had today. I think I'm going to stay open-minded for a bit and just assume that when the time is right my sex drive will return, and somehow or other, I'll find the right partner. It never even occured to me that I could be reacting to circumstance or that I could still be dealing with the leftover crap of my last experience, but I think that could all be playing a large part in my confusion and disinterest.

So thanks for the free therapy everyone.

 

[sophia jane]

Or sees it and loves it.

SJ, Do you watch the "L-Word"? There was an episode with a cello player who was pretty hefty and I'm not talking merely plump. She was very sexy and it wasn no surprise when we saw one woman aggressively pursuing her and, eventually, having unbridled sex with her. "Fat" doesn't not mean ugly or lacking sexual appeal.

Yes I remember her, and I know you're right. And I know that being overweight doesn't imply ugliness or lack of sexiness or whatever. I think the biggest thing for me is that I feel like, for my sake, I'm too fat to have sex. I'm ashamed of myself, of my body, and I can't imagine getting past that enough to take my clothes off and feel safe and comfortable about it. And, unfortunately, the longer I go without having sex/intimacy/that level of vulnerabilty, the harder it is to get myself to do it again.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Yes I remember her, and I know you're right. And I know that being overweight doesn't imply ugliness or lack of sexiness or whatever. I think the biggest thing for me is that I feel like, for my sake, I'm too fat to have sex. I'm ashamed of myself, of my body, and I can't imagine getting past that enough to take my clothes off and feel safe and comfortable about it. And, unfortunately, the longer I go without having sex/intimacy/that level of vulnerabilty, the harder it is to get myself to do it again.

This deserves its own thread. Seriously. But don't get me started.

 

[3113]

I'm ashamed of myself, of my body, and I can't imagine getting past that enough to take my clothes off and feel safe and comfortable about it. And, unfortunately, the longer I go without having sex/intimacy/that level of vulnerabilty, the harder it is to get myself to do it again.

Well, it's easier to start getting over this with your clothes on Go out and get some new clothes. Seriously. If you keep looking at yourself naked, it own't help at all. But if you look at yourself with new clothes on, a new look that makes you look and feel cool and confident, then you'll be less afraid of taking those clothes off.

This is why those make-over shows work. It's not your body that needs changing. New outfit, new hair cut, new make-up.

Start by feeling better about yourself with clothes on. Clothes off can come later.

 

[semen4her]

No such thing, believe me. Anyone who wants to be with you, who really sees you and desires you, doesn't see "fat."

lol

 

[semen4her]

Aren't troll awesome.

We all think YOU are the gay one buddy.

It's Ok Cade, you are among friends who care.

Keep reaching for that rainbow!

 

[Cade Is Here]

It's Ok Cade, you are among friends who care.

Keep reaching for that rainbow!

So did you have fun at the BP meeting hey buddy?

 

[Tom Collins]

It's Ok Cade, you are among friends who care.

Keep reaching for that rainbow!

Why? Are you standing at the end of it with your trou around your ankles?

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

SJ, a couple of things.

First, an aversion to a body part or a sex act doesn't neccesarily coincide with a lack of sexual attraction for a sex. My female best friend in a hideous gift of irony has the sexuality of 100% straight while at the same time hating the cock. She has not really been raised with an unhealthy view of sexuality nor does it seem to stem from any repressed feelings of homosexuality. She is quite fervently turned on by masculine body structures, male bodies, and turned off by penises. She considers them aesthetically hideous.

The point is, that a lack of desire for a part or an act doesn't neccessarily mean that you no longer have an attraction for the male sex.

Sexuality after all is a measurement (if and when it is a measurement at all) of one's sexual attraction. Are you attracted to men, women, both, neither? And from there, what aspects are the most likely to draw you wild. Not liking the dick doesn't mean not liking men just as performing or enjoying a sex act doesn't give you a sexuality. I enjoy the pleasure I bring my SO when I go down on her. I'd probably enjoy the pleasure I could give a man by going down on him if I was dating a man. These things don't give me a sexuality. I'm still asexual. So, don't immediately assume that a sudden distaste for the penis is more than it is if you are still sexually attracted to the same amount of men.


Second, the labeling thing. Yeah, I know labeling is a bad thing and can be antithetical to a healthy life, but sometimes it's good as well so that you can know yourself and your sexuality and thus learn more about yourself and be more comfortable with it.

The problem is of course that there is a very long section of "bi" between 100% straight and 100% gay, yet there is an assumption whenever anyone says they're bi that they're 50/50. The more I look and watch people and talk frankly with them about their sexualities, the more I'm convinced that there is something to the Kinsey scale. That there are a lot of people in a bi camp of X% one camp, X% another camp and that they place themselves in a million different camps. Some consider themselves gay or straight, some consider bi and this can occur at all sections of the scale. Probably because we assume a three dial system where it is culturally considered 100% or 50/50.

It is perfectly okay to wonder about your percentages and to be comfortable with them. Are you 90% lesbian, but dating a man? Do you love him, does he make you happy? Go on enjoy. 68% straight male dating a man? Who cares. It could be any percentage dating anybody because love is going to affect a whole lot of things and may not coincide with whatever sexuality you go for even if it is 100%. If you are a genuine 100% straight individual and fall in asexual love with a man, does that make you gay, bi? No, you're still straight because the sexuality is just a measure of sexual attraction, it's not a guidepost to conform to.

On that note, it is perfectly okay to admit (if it is the case) that you are more lesbian than straight or even like my SO discovered, overwhelmingly shifted towards the lesbian side in a 90/10 split, while at the same time still dating men. It isn't a betrayal of other lesbians, it is not neccesarily a betrayal of yourself. It is a thing that is and if it brings you happiness good. Even if you are 99/1 lesbian, if you find yourself overwhelmingly attracted to or in love with a man, are dating him and he's making you happy. Good, enjoy. That is the goal. Happiness.

Now, if you are using bisexuality as a way to hold on to straightness after it turns out you are overwhelmingly shifted to the homosexual side and you are using it to run away from that truth, you should probably use a new term that coincides with the shift. My SO has been going with bi-dyke, which probably has some other conotations, but seems to work for her. And that's the main point of a label if you use it. It is a methodology by which you can explain your sexuality to others and a way to be honest with yourself about your sexuality. It is not fully neccessary if it gets in the way of that. If trying to pin down the percentages ruins you from simply enjoying the attractions you feel, let it go. If it helps, use it and use the terms that best seem to fit you. And if there are none, make your own.

Be the first spendoolik-sexual.



Third, too fat to fuck?

The hell?

No, sweetie, you are never too fat to fuck. There are 900 lbd sumo wrestlers still getting their grove on. That's a bad evil wicked society telling you as a woman that since you can't fit into a Size 0 jean like the airbrushed supermodels, you might as well kill yourself.

It's rather bs. I've never met you, but I doubt you're as big as me and if I were in your neighborhood, I would provide the same service I give to my friends here which is to lift my shirt whenever a skinnier friend complains about their weight (and it's been to both men and women). I know something about fat (moreso than skinny people who think it means I lack the ability to run after them or to lift heavy objects that they could never dream of lifting (they always think fat people don't have muscles)). I know something about what that means. One thing it doesn't mean is that I'm suddenly unattractive to people. Hell, right now, my fat is what currently is my best feature with my SO. She is most strongly attracted to my man boobs and my "teddy bear cuddliness". My male best friend is also rather rotund, but well satisfied a woman his first time having sex by paying attention to what she wanted and being willing and eager to go down on her. Fat people not only fuck, but can be better at it than thin people because a lifetime of being considered beneath consideration has created a more fond willingness to respond to the needs of the other person.

Of course for women this is used for sexual slavery. This is the reason why male society tries to make women constantly feel fat and too fat to fuck. They want women to give up all of the last of their sexual desires and concentrate solely on their pleasure. They want women to give it all up. Not the herds of actually decent men, but certainly the usual selfish crop that run things.

The point is. I'm fat, but I'm willing to bet cash money that if I saw you, I'd be thoroughly unable to say the same. And I definitely would be willing to mortgage a house on a bet that you aren't "too fat to fuck". No one is too fat for that. No one should have to turn on the lights for the fear that seeing them naked will be a dealbreaker. No, if they are genuinely attracted, that won't occur.

Heh, if they've ever seen a real naked woman (not those airbrushed porn models) they would know better. You don't have to be a porn model. You don't need to be a fantasy because fantasies are not real. You are you and I'm damn certain someone is attracted to you as you are and wants to gaze longingly into your vagina under the full lights of a room and I'm damn certain that you are not at all approaching what anyone would consider fat and that your naked body in all its sexy curves is a gold mine of erotic potential.

I'm speaking honestly here, because if there is one thing I hate, it's when my skinny friends think they're fat. You're not fat, you're a twig. I'm fat. But that's okay because I max out the leg press machine at the school gym.

Fourth, if that doesn't comfort, at least contemplate this fundamental truth. With weight gain comes larger boobies. Instead of focusing on one of the socially negative aspects of being malnourished or normal, focus on one of the positive. If you're ultra-skinny, congatulations a soulless society likes your litheness and approves. If you're normal, you are healthier, stronger, and have a soulless societally approved cup size. There is no downside. Leave the lights on and play with your boobies for a while. Learn to love them and your curves. No matter what sexuality you are, learning to love your body is always step 1.

 

[semen4her]

Why? Are you standing at the end of it with your trou around your ankles?

Why are you picturing me there?

Nevermind, I see your AV. Have you met Cade?

 

[Cade Is Here]

Why? Are you standing at the end of it with your trou around your ankles?

I see nipples mcgee and alt posse came over here probably because he is outted on the Gb.

Do a search ...this guys constantly trolls people!!

 

[cloudy]

I see nipples mcgee and alt posse came over here probably because he is outted on the Gb.

Do a search ...this guys constantly trolls people!!

Pot, meet Kettle.

Kettle, meet Pot.

Why don't y'all go back to the GB where you can at least convince yourselves you're entertaining?

Jeez...

 

[semen4her]

Pot, meet Kettle.

Kettle, meet Pot.

Why don't y'all go back to the GB where you can at least convince yourselves you're entertaining?

Jeez...

Don't mind that racist, jerk off.

Now, about your comment....go fuck yourself.

Thank you.

 

[cloudy]

Don't mind that racist, jerk off.

Now, about your comment....go fuck yourself.

Thank you.

Oh, I have a man, but thank you for your concern.

 

[Belegon]

It particularly gets complicated in trying to date women because many lesbians are not all that willing to put a lot of energy into an undecided girl or into a bi girl because of the risk that she's going to go back to men.

You're living with your ex-husband (and we well know your opinion of his behavior these last couple years and possibly before. You certainly are adverse to sex with him.)

What would your opinion be of someone who was afraid to date you because you might go back to him? Not because he's male, or because they aren't...but because they looked at you (when you told them you were interested in them) and said they thought you might be lying. That you might go back to your ex since he sleeps in the same house.

Someone who doesn't care about you enough to risk that hurt is not someone you can forge a real meaningful relationship with. Love means that you have to take the risk of pain. You have to open your heart.

Someone that isn't willing to risk that you might meet someone else (regardless of that persons gender). What kind of relationship would that be? Possessive, restrictive, paranoid, full of doubt and self-confidence crisis on both ends. You deserve better than that.

Sexuality is not a coin flip. There are more than two sides. And Courage is a necessity if you intend to find love.

 

[Tom Collins]

Why are you picturing me there?

Nevermind, I see your AV. Have you met Cade?

Awww...I'm so proud of you!

Look everyone, little Nipples is growing up. He just learned how to read a book by its cover! Isn't he a smart little guy? Everyone give him a pat on the back and tell him what a terrific job he did.

 

[sophia jane]

Luc- Thank you for such a great respsonse. I like what you had to say, and you're absolutely right about the labels. And thank you too for the rest.

Bel- the scenario you mention about someone I date being threatened by the situation with the ex is actually one of the many, many reasons I'm not trying to date right now. It's not at all conducive to meeting someone when your ex sleeps on the couch. And since I'm not dating, I'm supposedly taking this time to work on myself, so that when dating is possible I'm not such a fucked up mess.

And again to all who responded- thanks. Between this thread and a conversation with Logo, I've realized a few really important things, and I feel a little clearer about myself. For now, I'm sticking with the bi label and we'll see what happens down the road. I don't know why it never seemed relevant to me, but looking back on it, the last few sexual experiences I had before I went celibate were pretty awful. Like scary and highly uncomfortable kind of awful. I hadn't thought much about those experiences and hadn't connected them to my current feelings because they happened a year and a half ago, but looking at the whole picture of my sexuality and sexual interest, I realize that they are definitely connected.

So, anyway- I'm gonna hang out in the middle of things for now and keep working on myself and not worrying so much about not having sex.

 

[rgraham666]

I don't know why it never seemed relevant to me, but looking back on it, the last few sexual experiences I had before I went celibate were pretty awful. Like scary and highly uncomfortable kind of awful. I hadn't thought much about those experiences and hadn't connected them to my current feelings because they happened a year and a half ago, but looking at the whole picture of my sexuality and sexual interest, I realize that they are definitely connected.

I hadn't responded before because being completely straight I didn't have anything to say. I don't like guys generally and as romantic partners, unthinkable. The men here at the AH, for the most part, being a notable exception.

However I quite resonated with the quoted lines.

The last year, what with the stunning lack of success at the dating site, and a couple of experiences that ripped great, bleeding chunks out of my ego, are why I decided to go celibate for a while. Probably for quite a while.

It's difficult to put energy into something that gives little but pain back.