Question for the Cafe

[intothewoods]

A whole lot of "well this is just my opinion, but..." and "I absolutely don't mean to offend ANYONE by saying this, but..."

Well, yeah, there is a good deal of that. I just remember a few threads in which posters went from blah blah argument to, THIS IS BULLSHIT! Ya know, all caps and shit!

 

[intothewoods]

I'm not going to judge him, however, and find him wanting because he chooses to act in a particular way.

As I just said in another thread, I find nothing wrong with being judgmental, in the sense that if I think a person behaves badly, or makes bad choices, or is an asshole, or a certain behavior is completely insane, I'm going to say so. In general, I feel there's always a lot of, well, if it floats your boat, and I feel like sometimes, uh, yeah, that's actually wrong/fucked up/crazy/a really really bad idea, and I say so.

 

[JMohegan]

Also, I can't believe how personal people get when it comes to the discussions and even arguments we have on the board. I can be absolutely livid with someone in one thread, and in complete agreement with them in another. I'm not saying I lack the ability to assign the kind of importance to someone I meet through lit that would enable them to hurt my feelings, but I just don't make emotional attachments to complete and absolute strangers.

Who does?

Is that normal?

Many of the discussions here deal with the most intimate topics imaginable. Not just on physical issues, but emotional too.

I think it's not unusual for some people to project a sense of intimacy with the conversant onto discussions like this - especially if emotional support is offered and received at a stressful time.

 

[shy slave]

Many of the discussions here deal with the most intimate topics imaginable. Not just on physical issues, but emotional too.

I think it's not unusual for some people to project a sense of intimacy with the conversant onto discussions like this - especially if emotional support is offered and received at a stressful time.

Sometimes that can be where the lines blur.

When things get tough, people do support each other on lit, at least they seem to be, by the comments made.

If, the crisis dies down, that level of support/friendship is not maintained it can feel like rejection if you are the person who put alot of energy into another person.

Maybe that sounds too soft hearted, but is is difficult to continue a high level of communication at all times.
If we saw those people face - to -face socially or at work the interaction would continue on a more personal one-to-one basis. On Lit is is slightly different.
You can invest time, emotion etc and then see the persons posts have an upward swing and therefore you back off. But in doing so, either person can feel hurt as that friendship takes on a less intense pattern.

I can see in my own behaviour that has happened to me, both as the person giving support and being supported.

The advantages of behind a keyboard mean that people can be more open, but the downside may be a slightly more transient friendship/support network

 

[HB1965]

As I just said in another thread, I find nothing wrong with being judgmental, in the sense that if I think a person behaves badly, or makes bad choices, or is an asshole, or a certain behavior is completely insane, I'm going to say so. In general, I feel there's always a lot of, well, if it floats your boat, and I feel like sometimes, uh, yeah, that's actually wrong/fucked up/crazy/a really really bad idea, and I say so.

Well all people make mistakes. For example my reading of the Marquis is that he's a good guy just loaded down with responsibilities and emotional baggage who has made it clear by his actions that this place is not as high a priority on his list as the other things in his life. I can predict his behavior and therefore not concern myself too much with how he responds to things here.

 

[JMohegan]

I don't think I'm trying to hold myself aloof.

Assuming it's true, I know more about some of the intimate details of your life, and your thoughts & emotions about the same, than I do about many people whom I've known in RL for decades.

I don't read you as aloof at all.

There's just no room to give a fuck what slutslave69 thinks about me.

Busy or not, I think this is a very healthy perspective on a message board - where so many come & go, so much is totally anonymous, and it is so ridiculously easy to misunderstand and/or be misunderstood.

 

[HB1965]

Assuming it's true, I know more about some of the intimate details of your life, and your thoughts & emotions about the same, than I do about many people whom I've known in RL for decades.

I think I should clarify something here. I don't think I meant that he holds himself aloof from sharing his life here. His photo thread is proof enough of that. I think I meant that he holds himself "aloof" from the chaos, bullshit, and overly friendly.

 

[intothewoods]

Well all people make mistakes. For example my reading of the Marquis is that he's a good guy just loaded down with responsibilities and emotional baggage who has made it clear by his actions that this place is not as high a priority on his list as the other things in his life. I can predict is behavior and therefore not concern myself too much with how he answers.

Oh, well. I don't really take the time to make judgments about how often someone posts here, or how they post here, unless they do something out of this world asshole-esque to me. That has happened twice.

The first person - I just let it go - it just isn't that big of a deal, and I kind of was a douchebag anyway.

The second person made a ridiculously ignorant comment about a subject I take very personally. I still don't know if he was just being an asswipe, or he's really that limited in his experience. At the end of the day, what can you do but speak your mind. Same as if I'd encountered that person IRL.

 

[JMohegan]

I think I should clarify something here. I don't think I meant that he holds himself aloof from sharing his life here. His photo thread is proof enough of that. I think I meant that he holds himself "aloof" from the chaos, bullshit, and overly friendly.

Actually, what you said was that "He really doesn't have the mental energy to deal with slutslave69 were as I want to reach out and help that person."

There are many ways of helping others. Putting yourself out there the way he does, warts and all, counts - in my book.

 

[JMohegan]

Sometimes that can be where the lines blur.

When things get tough, people do support each other on lit, at least they seem to be, by the comments made.

If, the crisis dies down, that level of support/friendship is not maintained it can feel like rejection if you are the person who put alot of energy into another person.

Yes, this sort of thing is exactly what I was alluding to.

Nice to see you again, shy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Actually I don't see Marquis as aloof, and he has shared a lot of his intimate life with us, and admirably without BS and gloss to always necessarily make himself out as perfect...I admire that and can respect it. I just think as with most of us, our RL's have to take precedence simply because they are real...some people who post aren't real and/or very open and honest, and so to make Lit a number 1 priority above your own life and daily events would be niave and irresponsible. One of the reasons I was happy to co-mod with Marquis was because he was one person I knew would not favour friends over other posters as in bending rules etc., could be objective when the time called for it, and isn't someone who feels a need to kiss ass to try and make everyone love him....and yet we do adore him.

Catalina

 

[HB1965]

Actually, what you said was that "He really doesn't have the mental energy to deal with slutslave69 were as I want to reach out and help that person."

There are many ways of helping others. Putting yourself out there the way he does, warts and all, counts - in my book.

First of all be careful about context when you support your arguements with what people say. You kind of missed on that a little.

Second, tell me about the post where he lists his mass number of issues that keep him from caring about slutslave69 problems? I would say that by the time that he gets to slutslave69 his mental energy just isn't there, and he's not here for that.

But maybe what he does to contribute to things around here instead is put himself out there in general so people can see his flaws and the read how he feels about the choices he made.

I don't dislike the Marquis by any means. I also need to stress again I'm not criticizing him. I envy the guy because he has the abilty to take this attitude and not get caught up in each persons minor drama. If I haven't made myself clear on that point I'm sorry

 

[JMohegan]

First of all be careful about context when you support your arguements with what people say. You kind of missed on that a little.

Second, tell me about the post where he lists his mass number of issues that keep him from caring about slutslave69 problems? I would say that by the time that he gets to slutslave69 his mental energy just isn't there, and he's not here for that.

But maybe what he does to contribute to things around here instead is put himself out there in general so people can see his flaws and the read how he feels about the choices he made.

I don't dislike the Marquis by any means. I also need to stress again I'm not criticizing him. I envy the guy because he has the abilty to take this attitude and not get caught up in each persons minor drama. If I haven't made myself clear on that point I'm sorry

HB, I've gone multiple rounds with you before and will not do so again.

Enjoy your weekend.

 

[intothewoods]

First of all be careful about context when you support your arguements with what people say. You kind of missed on that a little.

Second, tell me about the post where he lists his mass number of issues that keep him from caring about slutslave69 problems? I would say that by the time that he gets to slutslave69 his mental energy just isn't there, and he's not here for that.

But maybe what he does to contribute to things around here instead is put himself out there in general so people can see his flaws and the read how he feels about the choices he made.

I don't dislike the Marquis by any means. I also need to stress again I'm not criticizing him. I envy the guy because he has the abilty to take this attitude and not get caught up in each persons minor drama. If I haven't made myself clear on that point I'm sorry

One example that comes to mind is his thread about his experience with poly. This was before you were here, I think, but you can probably find it easily (for what it's worth). I found it pretty helpful and interesting.

Though I've since stopped going by the name slutslave69.

 

[Marquis]

There are many ways of helping others. Putting yourself out there the way he does, warts and all, counts - in my book.

I told you about the warts!

 

[HB1965]

HB, I've gone multiple rounds with you before and will not do so again.

Enjoy your weekend.

JM, I think for you and me to connect is a difficult thing. Simply put, you don't get me.

Enjoy your weekend.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I told you about the warts!

You sent pics and he circulated them!!

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

You sent pics and he circulated them!!

Catalina

And people wonder why I'm paranoid.

 

[intothewoods]

And people wonder why I'm paranoid.

Wanna go on a beer run?

I'm sorry. I can't let that one go. For some reason, it's just so funny. Could be the lack of sleep.

 

[Etoile]

I hope doveofserenity comes back to her thread.

 

[doveofserenity]

First off, thank you all for the honest answers; that means a lot to me.

Secondly, i guess i just didnt realize that the Lit boards are more of a bigger "community"; so to say, than some of the other boards i have been on. Those were more "online friends in the area" type thing. Closer, smaller groups.


i can never get these quote thingies figured out This was from Homburg.

It's the shoes. They clash with your shirt.

You and I have PM'ed! Feel free to do so again. I'm always happy to see your name in my in-box


Your words i value, and have ever since becoming a Litster. So i will take it all in stride, and just realize how big this community is. And btw, Homburg; (looks down) ummmm no shirt, shoes, or anything right now. Except a towel.


For all the others that replied, i will slowly answer anything you may have asked me in your comments; but i don't want to make this a long read for everyone.


Just take it to know that i appreciate the words and the honesty,

dove

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Oh really?

Did you cook rice for someone recently? http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/2cool2.gif

Well I can try : smiling :

Feast or famine.

You know, a strange thing happened, there was an amnesty on rice cooking Mr Assassin, lasted months http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/2cool2.gif

 

[doveofserenity]

I don't think anyone notices me either. I'm just the fuzzy bald dude in the corner with the frowny lips.

On that remark i have to say, You need to look up a certain "Chrome Dome" thread. Theres more than one of those Chrome Domes on here.

 

[doveofserenity]

I have been on Lit for about 6 months. No where near as long as some of the others, but long enough that I am starting to feel more comfortable. I've never really talked to anyone on here, until recently. Now I am starting to open up and share PM's with a few people. I'm just not the type to reach out to other people, but will always answer a PM if one is sent to me. (If it's appropriate..lol). I noticed today that it was mentioned that we live near each other. Feel free to PM me anytime you want, I would be more than happy to talk to you. *Hugs*

About the same as how i had felt, so now understand more about stupid worries that weren't; or shouldn't have been there. And how do you do the sparkly thingie?

 

[doveofserenity]

Hi dove

I'll give you a rose

And a kiss

Even do a little dance

Those would be nice, but don't forget the flogging; that would definitely be enjoyable.


And Miss Rebecca, your words got me settled into Lit at the start; so i will take your advice to heart. Thank you. (hugs)