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Puns

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips.

 
a few more

The soldier survived attacks of pepper spray and mustard gas.
He is now a seasoned veteran.

The tried to tell me that I am addicted to brake fluid.
They are wrong. I can stop any time.

My kid's class took a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
Then the teacher gave them a pop quiz.

A stranger threw sodium chloride in my face, then he threw Energizers at me.
The police charged him with assault and battery.

I failed my class in communism.
I had lousy Marx.

The cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.

There was an earthquake in Washington, D.C. today.
They say it was Trump's fault.

People tell me that I am indecisive.
I don't know what to think about that.

I have an old pair of pants that I wear when I am talking on my land-line.
They are bell bottoms.

The museum curator loved to work with mummys.
You might say she was wrapped up in her work.

How to they test a Tickle Me Elmo doll?
They give it two test tickles.

Hey, I think I just lost an electron!
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.

I have a goat. He is very lazy, but he can sing.
I've named him Billy Idle.

I have a goat who wears denim, can play tennis, and is married to a queen.
I call him Billie Jean King.

My car is a stick shift, so I had to learn how to drive it.
But I couldn't find the manual.

I invented a belt that is made entirely out of wristwatches.
My wife thinks it is a waist of time.

Where was the first computer ever invented?
It was in the Garden of Eden.
It was an Apple, but it only had one byte.

I am very suspicious of my friend.
He has locked himself up in his room with a pencil and a piece of graph paper.
I think he is plotting something.

The fireman is male (of course) but I think he is pregnant.
I saw him climbing down a ladder and he was carrying a child.

I told my therapist, "sometimes I think I'm a tepee and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam."
"Relax," he told me, "You're just two tents."

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $4.95 a pound. Deer nuts are under a buck.

At the car factory, they don't let workers eat smoked salmon for lunch.
Anti-lox breaks.

The U.S. currently has 50 states. It should add 3 more.
Then it would be one nation, truly indivisible.

The eye doctor told me I was colour-blind.
That really came to me out of the green.

I said, "Wow, that's a really big rock!"
"Boulder" he said to me.
WOW, THATS A REALLY BIG ROCK!

What do they call the cheddar factory in Israel?
Cheeses of Nazareth.

How do you make antifreeze?
Take away her blanket.

I heard that Apple is going to make an iCar.
Apparently they are having trouble installing windows.

Last night I slept like a baby.
I cried all night and wet the bed.

I still remember my dad's last words before he passed away.
"You're standing on my oxygen hose."

What is grey and comes by the gallon?
An elephant.

What is the difference between a priest and a pimple?
The pimple won't come on a boy's face until he is 13.

What is long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and squishy?
Bubble gum.

What is the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping Tom?
The pick-pocket snatches your watch.

I saw a bunch of cows masturbating.
They were making beef strokin' off.

I have something in my pants that is only 6 inches long, but it drives women wild.
It's a $50 bill.

I tried to start an orphans' baseball league, but it didn't work out.
They couldn't find home.

I was watching a sad porno movie where the guy dumped his girl friend.
It was a real tear-jerker.

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo cage.

My friend likes to have sex in elevators.
I've told him that is wrong on so many levels.

Jokes about "that time of the month" just aren't funny.
Period.

I swallowed my coin purse yesterday so I went to see the doctor.
He said there's no change yet.

I went to the meeting of Premature Ejaculators Anonymous yesterday, but no one was there.
I guess I came too early.

I've also joined Masturbators Anonymous.
That's a self-help group.
 
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Spider-Man: Hey Mr. Black Panther Sir?

Black Panther: Yes, spider boy?

Spider-Man: Spider-Man, actually. Anyway, when you see something, like, really dumb happen, are you ever tempted to say "Wakanda nonsense is this?"?

Black Panther: No. Never.
Black Panther, internally: Yes.
 
My passport application was denied .. Isn't a picture of my shampoo what they asked for when the instructions said to send "A picture of head and shoulders.”
 
A truck loaded with Viagra was high-jacked on Saturday morning.

Police have determined that the high-jackers were a bunch of hardened criminals.
 
I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
 
sex puns and jokes

My blond girl friend and i were in the shower together.
I asked her, "Can you give me the Head and Shoulders?"
She replied ... "how do you give shoulders?"

My girl friend's dad asked me "What do you do?"
Apparently "Your daughter" was the wrong answer.

I often wonder what mom and dad did for fun before the internet.
So i asked my 17 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

What is the difference between a yankee and a redneck when they say "Mother-fucker?"
The redneck is serious.

I bought a box of condoms today.
The cashier asked, "would you like a bag?"
I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."

I'm really bad at sex.
I was masturbating last night and my hand fell asleep.

What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will have sex with anyone.
A bitch will have sex with anyone ... but you.

I know how to make my wife scream during sex.
I phone her and tell her when I'm having it.

What do you call a guy who uses the pull-out method of birth control?
Daddy.

What sexual position creates the ugliest babies?
I don't know either. Go ask your mom.

When I talk dirty to a woman, it's a felony.
When a woman talks dirty to me, its $3.99 a minute.

I hate phone sex.
It makes the screen all sticky and the phone gets stuck up your ass.

I called my girl friend Internet Explorer.
She liked it real slow.

How is a husband like a tile floor?
If you lay him right the first time you can walk on him for years afterward.

Someone asked me if my wife was sexually active before we married.
Now that I think about it, she wasn't. She just kind of laid there.

After I got married, I discovered that I was bisexual.
If I wanted sex with my wife, I would have to buy her something.

When checking out at the grocery store, I always look for the cashier who would most likely have sex with me.
I always end up at the self-checkout.

I always use protection when I have sex.
A fake name and a fake number.

I remember, as a kid, lying in bed Christmas eve, waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward moment afterwards, waiting for him to get dressed.

Your face is the prettiest face I have ever cum across.

My girl friend told me she would have sex with me if i took her somewhere expensive.
So I took her to the gas station.

My girl friend must not be any good at sex.
On her driver's licence, under "Sex" she got an "F."

The girl asked me if I practice safe sex.
I said, "Yes, of course I do."
She replied, "Good. Now go fuck yourself."

I was having sex with my German girl friend.
She kept shouting out "Nein! Nein."
I feel pretty proud about that. After all, ten would have been perfect.

If a woman has sex with 10 men, she is a slut.
If a man does it, he's gay.

The population in my home town never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a man leaves.

I said to my mom and dad, "For my birthday I wanna watch."
So on my birthday, they let me.

I need to buy my pet iguana some Viagra.
He has a reptile dysfunction.

When I turned 13, my dad showed me his penis and said "This is the perfect cock."
Damn, mine would have been perfect too, if only it had been 3 inches smaller.

My next door neighbours were having sex all night, so I was up .... watching.

My girl friend said to me, "Give me 8 inches and make it hurt."
So I fucked her twice and slapped her face.

Four people having sex is a foursome.
Three people having sex is a threesome.
Two people having sex is a twosome.
God, I'm handsome.
 
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