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Puns

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry-erase board has to be the most remarkable.
 
I just can't seem to stop. I really should get my brakes fixed.

I still miss my ex-wife.
But with a bit more rifle practice, I'll get better.

Today I wore my golf socks.
There's a hole in one.

I have socks that I wear to church.
They are really holy.

I said to my doctor, "I think I'm a deck of cards."
He said to me, "Sit down, joker, I'll deal with you later."

I asked my girl friend to meet me at the gym, but she stood me up.
I guess we aren't going to work out.

A guy knocked at my door and said, "I'm collecting for the community swimming pool."
So I gave him a glass of water.

I saw a terrorist stuffing himself at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
He ate so much, I thought he would explode.

I have a one-legged girl friend.
Her name is Eileen.
She works at IHop.
She can dance circles around everyone else.

I said to the doctor, "Look! There's a strawberry growing on my chest."
He gave me some cream to put on it.

The three unwritten rules of business:
1.
2.
3.

I said to the butcher, "I'd like some bull testicles."
He said "Who wouldn't?"

My doctor said to me, "Look at you! You're obese!"
I said,"I want a second opinion."
He said, "Okay, you're ugly."

A fly walks into a bar where the seats are made out of turds.
He turns to another fly and says, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

They said that there is a hole in the wall of the women's change room.
The police are looking into it.

The only way you can see the inside of an Apple store is through the door.
That's because they don't have any windows.

The taxi stalled in the middle of the intersection.
The driver opened up the hood to see if he could figure it out.
The female passenger asked, "Do you need a screwdriver?"
The driver replied, "Might as well, lady, I can't fix the damn engine."

You can always tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

What kind of table can bleed?
The periodic table.

Fan to vacuum cleaner: You suck.
Vacuum cleaner to fan: Blow me.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.
Then I turned myself around.

When the guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey died, they had trouble getting him into his coffin.
The put his left arm in, he put his left arm out ...
They put his right leg in, he put his right leg out ...

I had sex with my girl friend while we were camping.
Man, that was fuckin' intense!!!
 
a few more

In high school I had two Phys Ed teachers.
One was Mr. Shu
The other was Mr. Nasium.
Both of them had the same first name -- Jim.

I visited an ophthalmologist school the other day.
It had a LOT of pupils.

A teacher got into a car accident because he was driving distracted.
He was grading on a curve.

The school I went to is reputed to have a ghost living in it.
They call it their school spirit.

A student fainted in class while they were studying the War of 1812.
He went down in history.

The Order of Rosicrucians is running a fish and chips restaurant.
One of the guys is the fish friar.
The other is the chip monk.

An egg was accused of illegally shooting a deer.
It was charged with poaching.

My mom told me to stop picking my nose.
But my nose is on strike, so I have to picket.

I googled "impotence" last night.
But nothing came up.

Jokes about anemia aren't funny to me.
I must have an irony deficiency.

I said to the doctor, "My hair is falling out. Do you have anything to keep it in?"
He handed me a cardboard box.

I asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?"
He said, "Of course you will."
That is really good news -- I couldn't play it before.

Guess what, honey, I am a lawyer.
Tonight I'm gonna sue the pants off you :)

The English teacher said to me, "Name two pronouns."
I said, "Who, me?"

Someone tweeted that Oxygen and Magnesium were dating.
O Mg!!!!!

Who built King Arthur's Round Table?
Sir Cumference.

The ship sank. I was surrounded by chocolate cake and ice cream.
I was stranded on a dessert island.

The A, the E, the I, and the O were all smiling, but the U was really grumpy.
I guess the U had irritable vowel syndrome.

Your dinner. You're dinner.
Correct grammar saves lives.

Let's eat grandma! Let's eat, grandma!
Correct punctuation saves lives.

A woman, without her man, is nothing.
A woman: without her, man is nothing.
Punctuation is powerful stuff.

An assortment of 15 different words, a comma, and a period, appeared in court today.
They will be sentenced next week.
 
Last edited:
I do so much business with my mechanic, he took me to lunch the other day. I had a steak, but he got a salad... with wrench dressing.
 
My doctor said I was out of shape and terribly overweight..it's not like I don't have enough on my plate already.
 
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