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Puns

Even more ...

My girl friend said she was leaving me because I like to dress up as a Transformer.
I said to her, "Wait! I can change."

I tried to buy a cigarette lighter on eBay.
They didn't have any lighters, but they did have over 20,000 matches.

The Samsung store has security guards at the door.
They call them the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison?
He was a small medium at large.

I love everything about living in Switzerland.
Even the flag is a big plus.

I used to be addicted to soap.
I'm clean now.

I don't eat snails.
I prefer fast food.

The small child refused to take his afternoon nap.
The teacher said he was resisting a rest.

I don't want to say I'm hot, but ....
when I get naked, even the shower gets turned on.

I just won a motorhome from the donut shop.
My lucky cup said "Win-a-bagel."

I may as well sell my vacuum cleaner.
It's just collecting dust.

Aliens will never visit Earth to eat at our restaurants.
Earth is only rated one star.

I can't understand my Korean mechanic.
He speaks with a Hyundai Accent.

I bus stops at a bus station.
A train stops at a train station.
On my desk, I have a work station.

How do trees get access to the internet?
They log on.

I'm changing my name to "Benefits."
Lots of girls seem to want to be friends with benefits.

What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
Beef jerky.

Every night before I go to bed, I eat yeast and shoe polish.
It always helps me the next morning to rise and shine.

The butcher sold me sausages that were half-filled with sawdust.
He told me that he was unable to make both ends meat.

My girl friend wants to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic.
I told her no ... if we have sex, it will only be on my Accord.

The girl I met at the bar kicked and banged on my bedroom door the whole night.
I finally decided I should let her out.

I know that William Shakespeare wrote "Hamlet" in pencil, but he couldn't decide which one to use.
It's right there in Act III, Scene I ... 2B or not 2B.

I just found an Origami movie channel.
Its paper view.

The doctor who was testing my fertility told me to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Thanks, but I'm not ready for the tournament yet."

Martin Luther King refused to use Tide to do his laundry.
The directions on the box said to keep whites and colours separate.

I think it's raining cats and dogs.
I just stepped into a poodle.

I used to feel like I was a male trapped inside a female body.
Then I was born.

My buddy set me up with a blind date.
He said, "Oh, you should know, she's expecting a baby."
God, i felt like an idiot waiting for her in the bar in a diaper.

I once wore a pair of jumper cables to the bar.
The bartender said, "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."

I was stuck on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no way to light them.
So I threw one cigarette overboard.
It made the entire boat a cigarette lighter.

I went to the Hallowe'en party wearing only a pair of briefs.
I was dressed as Premature Ejaculation.
I just came in my underwear.

My new girl friend works at the zoo.
This one is definitely a keeper.

What's the difference between a Yankee and a redneck saying "Mother-fucker"?
The redneck means it.

What does it tell you about life if there is a Stairway to Heaven, but a Highway to Hell?

I am confused about the gender of Iron Man.
Why is he called Fe Male?

I found something in my girl friend's fridge that was long and hard and full of cum.
It was a cucumber.

So, if Seven Eleven is open 24 hours a day ...
Why are they called Seven Eleven?
And why are there locks on the doors?

I have a dog named Minton.
One day he ate all my shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton!!!

The website asked me to create a password.
I typed in MyPenis.
The website said ... too short.

I work out almost every day.
Sunday, I almost work out.
Monday, I almost work out .....

I always give 110% at work.
10% on Monday, 30% on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and 10% on Friday.

Bruce Lee has a brother who is a vegetarian.
Brocco Lee.

I really failed my Chemistry test.
Absolute zero.

I'm a total loser when it comes to girls.
The only woman I've ever been inside is the Statue of Liberty.

Someone stole all the hand grips from the climbing wall.
Honest ... I'm not making it up.

What is green and fuzzy, and if it falls on you from a tree, it will kill you?
A pool table.
 
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more

How does a Buddhist order a hamburger?
"Make me one with everything."

Two birds are sitting on a perch.
One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

Why can't people count in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban.

The group of rabbits was dancing backwards.
It was a receding hardline.

What do you call it when you play chess using toilets as pieces?
A Game of Thrones.

What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
The New York Yankees.

What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

Instead of people, I hire monkeys for my business.
They work for peanuts.

I know a guy who directs truck traffic in a shipping yard.
He is a semiconductor.

I know a 60 year old man who married a 20 year old girl.
It's a May-December marriage.
With a bit of luck, he May make it until December.

I couldn't decide which of the two physicians I should go to.
It was a real paradox.

I had a temper tantrum when my cell phone died.
The therapist told me that I just needed an outlet.

How is a golf ball different from a Yugo?
You can drive the golf ball 200 yards.

I have two snakes on my car that clean the front window.
Windshield vipers.

What's the difference between two rich kids in a BMW, and a porcupine?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

What has 10 letters and starts with "GAS"?
Automobile.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a flounder?
One is a bottom-feeding, scum-sucking garbage head. The other one is a fish.

If making love with your boy friend is a real pain in the ass ...
Then you're doing it wrong.

I'm good at both multitasking and procrastinating.
So there's 28 things that I'm putting off till tomorrow.

Some men are smart. Some men are rich. Some men are sensitive. Some men are caring. Some men are sex gods.
One man is all of those.
We call him a unicorn.

My girl friend is a zombie.
She says she loves me for my brains.

My water bed wasn't bouncy enough.
So I refilled it with spring water.

Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison are all different from my VW Beetle.
The Beetle eventually makes it to 30.

So a clumsy gymnast walks into a bar.

The sign said "Falling Rocks."
So I tried it.
It doesn't.
 
G_ F_CK Y_ _RS_LF
Would you like to buy a vowel?

You should avoid cliches like the plague

Frog Parking Only
All Others Will be Toad

If "womb" is pronounced "woom,"
and if "tomb" is pronounced "toom,"
then "bomb" should be prounounced "boom."
Actually it is, once it goes off.

Why can't a programmer tell the difference between Hallowe'en and Christmas?
Because OCT31 = DEC25 (reply here if you don't understand, I'll explain it)

There is a new band called 1023 Megabytes.
They haven't had any gigs yet. (reply here, too, if you need help)

I wanted to look for my missing watch.
But I couldn't find the time.

A weasel walks into McDonald's.
"What'll you have?" asks the counter lady.
"Pop" goes the weasel.

I only tell bad chemistry puns like this one.
The good ones Argon.

I walked outside and it was -273.1 degrees Celsius.
My friends were worried, but I'll be OK (another one I can explain if you need it)

What kind of fish is made from two sodium atoms?
2Na fish.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up his 2nd and 3rd fingers.
The bartender gave him the five beers that he wanted.

I told a really funny joke to a Helium atom.
It didn't react.

My wife said, "Please go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
I don't understand why she got angry when I brought home the 12 loaves of bread she wanted.

The grammar teacher was upset and needed comforting.
I put my arm around her and said, "There, they're, their."

We need to learn to write perfect English.
If we don't, then the errorists will win.

I took my hamburger onto the elevator.
I wanted to take my lunch to the next level.

Did you know that there are really eight reindeer?
Everyone forgets Olive, the other reindeer.

What starts with "F," ends with "K" and causes boys to get really excited?
Firetruck.

I just won $4 million dollars in the lottery.
I donated a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $3,999,999.75

My friend said, "I just got a new car for my wife."
I said, "Man, that's awesome. I wonder what I'd be able to get for mine."

I hope my kid becomes a famous artist.
I have at least million dollars' worth of her stuff on my fridge.

Why do Jewish girls only date circumcised men?
They can't resist something that is 15% off.

Guess what. Only one company makes Monopoly.

The landlord says he wants to talk to me about his very high heating bill.
I told him, "No problem, my door is always open."

I got married and now I am a millionaire.
Before I got married, I was a billionaire.

I bought a herd of cattle who like to tell jokes.
Now I am the laughing stock of the county.

What is the difference between a man and a municipal bond?
The bond will eventually mature.

I got hooked on auctions after going once, going twice ...

A woman is like a swimming pool.
She costs a lot of money to maintain, but you hardly ever spend any time inside.

I went to a fish to borrow money.
It was a big mistake. He was a loan shark.

When I was having money problems, I missed two car payments.
It's OK -- I'm back on my feet now.

I think my wife is dead.
The sex is the same, but the laundry and the dishes are piling up.
 
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject.

One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
 
some food puns

I just read a book about a sado-masochistic tea maker.
50 Shades of Earl Grey.

When Michael Jackson became a vegetarian, he re-recorded one of his hit songs.
Just Beet It.

The Caped Crusader has a new sidekick. It's a corn beef sandwich.
We now call them Batman and Reuben.

Elton John has just re-recorded one of his hit songs. It's about breakfast food.
Don't Go Bacon My Heart.

The Beatles have also re-recorded one of their hit songs about breakfast food.
I Wanna Hold Your Ham.

There is a re-make of a hit movie about heroes who battle supernatural breakfast food.
Toastbusters.

Leo Sayer has re-recorded one of his hit songs, about oranges.
You Make Me Peel Like Dancing.

Julie Andrews has re-recorded one of her hit songs from The Sound of Music. It's about chicken.
These Are A Few of My Favourite Wings.

the Chinese chef was disgraced when he spoiled one of his stir-fry dishes.
He had to take the wok of shame.

Queen just made a new version of an old song about Chinese stir-fry.
We Will, We Will Wok You.

Donald Trump's 2020 campaign slogan will be about his favourite pizza topping.
Make American Cheese Grate Again.

Blood, Sweat and Tears has re-recorded a hit song about Japanese soup.
You Make Miso Happy.

The Beatles have re-recorded yet another hit song, this time about bread dough.
All You Knead Is Love.

A lot of people frown upon carrots, onions, and beets.
But I'm rooting for them.

Bartlett and Bosc ...
you make a great pear.

I had indigestion after eating Mexican food.
But I don't wanna taco 'bout it.

The farmers were rioting in the lettuce patch.
But I just told them to romaine calm.

The weather today reminded me of the pepper I ate last night.
Chili.

Salt. Pepper. Ginger. Cinnamon. Oregano. Cloves. Nutmeg.
Seasons greetings, everybody.

Ahhhhh, coffee.
Where have you bean all my life?

Janis Joplin has re-recorded a hit song, about Italian party food.
Take Another Little Pizza My Heart.

For a long time I believed that I was sailing on an ocean of orange soda.
But it was all a Fanta sea.

There is a new government medical care plan for citrus fruits.
Lemon-Aid.

My favourite burger joint is Wendy's.
She's got the best buns.

I broke a tooth when I ate at the Superman burger joint.
They had buns of steel.

I don't know what kind of sauce they put on pizza, but I love it from my head to-ma-tos.

Are those chopsticks in your pants?
Or are you just happy shashimi?

I stuffed so many dried grapes into my attic that they started raisin the roof.

I know a fish who became a saint.
I call him Holy Mackerel.

I'm done eating Uncle Ben's.
No more Mister Rice guy.

Hamlet couldn't decide whether he wanted to eat French cheese or not.
To brie or not to brie.
 
Three conspiracy theorists
walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s
just a coincidence.
​
 
I couldn't find the car window scraper
this morning, so I used a plastic store discount card
to clean my windows.
It didn't work very well.
I only got 20% off.​
 
computer puns

Who is a computer geek's favourite singer?
A Dell.

Why did the PowerPoint presenter cross the road?
To get to the other slide.

Why are keyboard makers always so tired?
They work a lot of shifts.

PC users never turn on the air conditioning.
They just open a lot of Windows.

Where do hard drives go to dance?
The diskotheque.

Computer users donate a lot of blood.
That's cause they get free cookies.

Why is the old computer user not able to score with girls?
He still has a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

Why are computers like women?
1. No one but their creator understands them.
2. The language they used to communicate is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Every mistake you make is stored in long-term memory for future retrieval.
4. After you make a commitment to one, you spend half your paycheque buying accessories for it.

When astronauts are using computers, where do they go to drink?
To the Space Bar.

When I tried to create a PowerPoint presentation about guns, it didn't work.
I didn't know how to use bullets.

There is a new app that lets me talk to my mother's mother.
Instagram.
 
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