done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
I got kicked out of a self-storage unit because I couldn't contain myself.
Puns
- Thread starter Ask For More
- Start date
mnbreastluver
Hands On Approach
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2013
- Posts
- 89,097
A fake preacher's money laundered earnings could be considered a false prophet's false profits.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
I always eat a lot of chocolate on Valentine's Day because I know after the middle of February, Lent will be fast approaching.
Ask For More
Mystery Man
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2000
- Posts
- 15,877
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
S
Stilllearning2b
Guest
The scarecrow recently one an award for excellence for being outstanding in her field.
cyberking001
Loves Spam
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2010
- Posts
- 394
long one, but worth it
Two whales are swimming in the ocean when they see a
navy ship in the distance. The first whale, George, says to
the second whale, Eric, "Hey, that ship killed my brother!
I want to capsize it so that everyone drowns. Use your
blow hole to help me capsize the ship."
So Eric swims under the navy ship, forces water out of
his blow hole and the ship capsizes into the ocean. All
of the sailors are dumped into the water. "Thanks,"
says George. "Glad to help," replies Eric.
Then George says to Eric, "That's not enough. I want
you to eat everyone of those sailors to teach them a
lesson!"
And Eric says to George .........
"Hey, dude, I helped you by giving them a blow job.
But there's no way I'll eat the sea men!!!."
Two whales are swimming in the ocean when they see a
navy ship in the distance. The first whale, George, says to
the second whale, Eric, "Hey, that ship killed my brother!
I want to capsize it so that everyone drowns. Use your
blow hole to help me capsize the ship."
So Eric swims under the navy ship, forces water out of
his blow hole and the ship capsizes into the ocean. All
of the sailors are dumped into the water. "Thanks,"
says George. "Glad to help," replies Eric.
Then George says to Eric, "That's not enough. I want
you to eat everyone of those sailors to teach them a
lesson!"
And Eric says to George .........
"Hey, dude, I helped you by giving them a blow job.
But there's no way I'll eat the sea men!!!."
cyberking001
Loves Spam
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2010
- Posts
- 394
puns for those who do NOT have dirty minds.
If a black bird has black babies, and a blue bird
has blue babies, and a red bird has red babies,
what kind of bird has no babies at all?
A swallow.
Why can a penis never be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What four-letter word begins with "F," ends with "K,"
and if you don't get one, you will have to use your hand?
A fork.
What four-letter work ends with "K," and means "intercourse"?
Talk.
What is brown and hairy on the outside, and soft and wet on the inside?
Hint: It begins with "c," ends with "t," and has a "u" and an "n" in the middle.
Coconut.
What word starts with "F," ends with "K," and gets boys very excited?
Firetruck.
All men have one. Some men have a much longer one than others.
The pope never uses his, and Madonna doesn't have one ...
A last name.
What do they hand out at high schools to prevent mistakes?
Hint: It's also called a "rubber."
An eraser.
It is usually six inches long. It works best when it is wet. It has white stuff on it.
Almost every woman in the world puts it into her mouth at least once a day ...
A toothbrush.
Guess what was really long and hard for me when I was sixteen.
Grade ten.
What 4-letter word that ends in "unt" describes some women?
Aunt.
Your finger goes inside it. You will get it when you get married.
But usually another boy will get it first.
Your wedding ring.
It's a 5-letter word starting with "P" that every women can't wait to get her hands on.
Purse.
It can be 6 - 12 inches long. If you put it in your mouth, you will definitely suck on it.
A straw.
People go up and down on it all day, as well as in and out.
An elevator.
What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A cherry float.
Who was the penis who swore "I am not a crook"?
Dick Nixon.
You will wrap your lips around it and blow. The harder you blow the bigger it will get.
A balloon.
What is always in a man's pants that you won't (usually!) find in a girl's pants?
Pockets.
Most teenagers love it but they are embarrassed when their parents do it.
Facebook.
It goes in round, hard and pink, and it comes out soft, wet and white.
Bubble gum.
Most men play with it all day long and at night.
You should not be playing with it at work.
You will sometimes let very special people play with it, too.
Your cell phone.
Some people think they are better if they are long.
Some people think they can be too long, and they prefer short ones.
They can cause a lot of grief if not used correctly.
Tweets.
It gets longer when you pull on it.
It fits nicely between a woman's breasts.
It fits perfectly into a hole.
If it is jerked, it works really well.
A seat belt.
It is sticky, gooey, and white, and most people will spit, not swallow.
Toothpaste.
Men love to admire it, but it needs to be trimmed regularly or it gets prickly.
The front lawn.
What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One U.S. Leader.
Why is a bridge game like sex?
If you have a good hand, then you don't need a partner.
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.
It starts with "c," ends with "t," and some guys just call it "pussy."
Cat.
What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't want in her face?
Wrinkles.
If a black bird has black babies, and a blue bird
has blue babies, and a red bird has red babies,
what kind of bird has no babies at all?
A swallow.
Why can a penis never be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What four-letter word begins with "F," ends with "K,"
and if you don't get one, you will have to use your hand?
A fork.
What four-letter work ends with "K," and means "intercourse"?
Talk.
What is brown and hairy on the outside, and soft and wet on the inside?
Hint: It begins with "c," ends with "t," and has a "u" and an "n" in the middle.
Coconut.
What word starts with "F," ends with "K," and gets boys very excited?
Firetruck.
All men have one. Some men have a much longer one than others.
The pope never uses his, and Madonna doesn't have one ...
A last name.
What do they hand out at high schools to prevent mistakes?
Hint: It's also called a "rubber."
An eraser.
It is usually six inches long. It works best when it is wet. It has white stuff on it.
Almost every woman in the world puts it into her mouth at least once a day ...
A toothbrush.
Guess what was really long and hard for me when I was sixteen.
Grade ten.
What 4-letter word that ends in "unt" describes some women?
Aunt.
Your finger goes inside it. You will get it when you get married.
But usually another boy will get it first.
Your wedding ring.
It's a 5-letter word starting with "P" that every women can't wait to get her hands on.
Purse.
It can be 6 - 12 inches long. If you put it in your mouth, you will definitely suck on it.
A straw.
People go up and down on it all day, as well as in and out.
An elevator.
What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A cherry float.
Who was the penis who swore "I am not a crook"?
Dick Nixon.
You will wrap your lips around it and blow. The harder you blow the bigger it will get.
A balloon.
What is always in a man's pants that you won't (usually!) find in a girl's pants?
Pockets.
Most teenagers love it but they are embarrassed when their parents do it.
Facebook.
It goes in round, hard and pink, and it comes out soft, wet and white.
Bubble gum.
Most men play with it all day long and at night.
You should not be playing with it at work.
You will sometimes let very special people play with it, too.
Your cell phone.
Some people think they are better if they are long.
Some people think they can be too long, and they prefer short ones.
They can cause a lot of grief if not used correctly.
Tweets.
It gets longer when you pull on it.
It fits nicely between a woman's breasts.
It fits perfectly into a hole.
If it is jerked, it works really well.
A seat belt.
It is sticky, gooey, and white, and most people will spit, not swallow.
Toothpaste.
Men love to admire it, but it needs to be trimmed regularly or it gets prickly.
The front lawn.
What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One U.S. Leader.
Why is a bridge game like sex?
If you have a good hand, then you don't need a partner.
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.
It starts with "c," ends with "t," and some guys just call it "pussy."
Cat.
What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't want in her face?
Wrinkles.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
I hate cleaning up after eating seafood. When you try to scrub the pan, the fish sticks.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
mnbreastluver
Hands On Approach
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2013
- Posts
- 89,097
When you go up the stairs two at a time, you are working harder to work less hard.
cyberking001
Loves Spam
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2010
- Posts
- 394
an old one from my childhood.
a lot of you will recognize it, too.
What are the three biggest forms of communication?
Telegraph
Telephone
Tell a woman.
I told you it was old!!!
Black and white tv, anyone?
a lot of you will recognize it, too.
What are the three biggest forms of communication?
Telegraph
Telephone
Tell a woman.
I told you it was old!!!
Black and white tv, anyone?
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Yes, that's definitely an old one. And you don't have to ask, I remember black and white televisions!
cyberking001
Loves Spam
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2010
- Posts
- 394
Where do fish keep their money?
In the riverbank.
Where were you born? Canada.
What part? All of me.
A paper map will never win at poker.
It always folds.
What has 5 eyes and is full of water?
The Mississippi River.
How did the geography student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Where do you find people who are unable to control their bowels?
In continents.
The only thing that a flat-earther has to fear ...
Is sphere itself.
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Canada.
Student: A moose.
Teacher: Good. Now name another.
Student: Another moose.
What geographical group gave us songs such as "This magic Moment," and "Under the Boardwalk"?
The Continental Drifters.
If two vegetarians are having an argument, are they still having a beef?
A man accidentally ate 6 toy plastic horses.
The doctor describes his condition as stable.
I have a whole drawer full of dead batteries.
You can have them all -- free of charge.
I have a very funny drug dealer.
He really cracks me up.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker.
So I showed her how to roll them up tighter.
Never make friends with someone who murders with knives.
He will turn out to be a real backstabber.
A man stole a bottle of Viagara from the drugstore.
Police say he is a hardened criminal.
Whenever I feel cold, I just stand in a corner.
It's always 90 degrees.
I tried eating a clock last night.
It was really time consuming.
Last night at the restaurant where I work, I shoved my cock into the pickle slicer.
Of course, they fired me.
What happened to the pickle slicer? They fired her, too.
My girl friend leaves a bra on the floor under the window in case a robber comes in.
She calls it a bobby trap.
I always wanted a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
I ate some glue, but I'm not telling anyone.
My lips are sealed.
A blind man walked into a bar.
Then he walked into a table, and then into a chair.
I just met a guy with twelve toes.
Sounds weird, dozen't it?
In the riverbank.
Where were you born? Canada.
What part? All of me.
A paper map will never win at poker.
It always folds.
What has 5 eyes and is full of water?
The Mississippi River.
How did the geography student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Where do you find people who are unable to control their bowels?
In continents.
The only thing that a flat-earther has to fear ...
Is sphere itself.
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Canada.
Student: A moose.
Teacher: Good. Now name another.
Student: Another moose.
What geographical group gave us songs such as "This magic Moment," and "Under the Boardwalk"?
The Continental Drifters.
If two vegetarians are having an argument, are they still having a beef?
A man accidentally ate 6 toy plastic horses.
The doctor describes his condition as stable.
I have a whole drawer full of dead batteries.
You can have them all -- free of charge.
I have a very funny drug dealer.
He really cracks me up.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker.
So I showed her how to roll them up tighter.
Never make friends with someone who murders with knives.
He will turn out to be a real backstabber.
A man stole a bottle of Viagara from the drugstore.
Police say he is a hardened criminal.
Whenever I feel cold, I just stand in a corner.
It's always 90 degrees.
I tried eating a clock last night.
It was really time consuming.
Last night at the restaurant where I work, I shoved my cock into the pickle slicer.
Of course, they fired me.
What happened to the pickle slicer? They fired her, too.
My girl friend leaves a bra on the floor under the window in case a robber comes in.
She calls it a bobby trap.
I always wanted a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
I ate some glue, but I'm not telling anyone.
My lips are sealed.
A blind man walked into a bar.
Then he walked into a table, and then into a chair.
I just met a guy with twelve toes.
Sounds weird, dozen't it?
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
cyberking001
Loves Spam
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2010
- Posts
- 394
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they are very good at it.
Why do ants never get sick?
Because they have "ant"ibodies.
Why did the old lady fall into the well?
She couldn't see that well.
The hippie went into the water and drowned; the lifeguard couldn't save him.
He was just too far out, man.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
What do you call a mushroom with a 10-inch penis?
A real fun-gi.
The white bear who lived in the Arctic was both happy and sad at the same time.
I guess he was bi-polar.
How did the hippie burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee too soon -- it just wasn't cool.
When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee,
That's a moray.
I went to a really emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Claustrophobic people are very creative thinkers.
That's cause they prefer to think outside the box.
Sleeping comes naturally to me.
I can even do it with my eyes closed.
A know a guy who is both a lawyer and a gourmet cook.
They call him a sue-chef.
I slept like a baby last night.
I cried all night long and wet the bed.
A saw a deer with a gun who was trying to commit suicide.
Guess he wanted to give the hunter a taste of his own venison.
A dog gave birth to 10 puppies at the side of the road.
The city fined her for littering.
I know a joke about peanut butter, but I'm not gonna spread it around.
The pizza store asked me, "Do you want us to cut it into 6 slices or 8 slices?"
I said, "Cut it into 8 slices, I'm hungry."
Where do you keep a captive skeleton?
In a rib cage.
England does not have a kidney bank.
However, it does have a Liverpool.
We all know that Alexander Graham Bell invented the first telephone.
But what was his brother, Alexander Graham Bellovski, famous for inventing?
The first telephone pole.
I know a guy who just hangs around bars all day long.
He is a professional gymnast.
I tried water polo, but it din't work out.
The horse drowned.
I really like duct tape.
You might say that I'm attached to it.
The doctor said to me, "I need you to bring me a 3-inch-high bar seat."
"Why?" I asked. He replied, "I need a stool sample."
I like Peter Cottontail Beer the best.
It's made with extra hops.
The poor little bunny rabbit kept tripping and falling down.
He was having a bad hare day.
I hate having phone sex.
The screen gets all sticky and the phone gets stuck up my ass.
I have a female mannequin in my bedroom.
I just tell everyone my girl friend is a model.
Because they are very good at it.
Why do ants never get sick?
Because they have "ant"ibodies.
Why did the old lady fall into the well?
She couldn't see that well.
The hippie went into the water and drowned; the lifeguard couldn't save him.
He was just too far out, man.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
What do you call a mushroom with a 10-inch penis?
A real fun-gi.
The white bear who lived in the Arctic was both happy and sad at the same time.
I guess he was bi-polar.
How did the hippie burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee too soon -- it just wasn't cool.
When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee,
That's a moray.
I went to a really emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Claustrophobic people are very creative thinkers.
That's cause they prefer to think outside the box.
Sleeping comes naturally to me.
I can even do it with my eyes closed.
A know a guy who is both a lawyer and a gourmet cook.
They call him a sue-chef.
I slept like a baby last night.
I cried all night long and wet the bed.
A saw a deer with a gun who was trying to commit suicide.
Guess he wanted to give the hunter a taste of his own venison.
A dog gave birth to 10 puppies at the side of the road.
The city fined her for littering.
I know a joke about peanut butter, but I'm not gonna spread it around.
The pizza store asked me, "Do you want us to cut it into 6 slices or 8 slices?"
I said, "Cut it into 8 slices, I'm hungry."
Where do you keep a captive skeleton?
In a rib cage.
England does not have a kidney bank.
However, it does have a Liverpool.
We all know that Alexander Graham Bell invented the first telephone.
But what was his brother, Alexander Graham Bellovski, famous for inventing?
The first telephone pole.
I know a guy who just hangs around bars all day long.
He is a professional gymnast.
I tried water polo, but it din't work out.
The horse drowned.
I really like duct tape.
You might say that I'm attached to it.
The doctor said to me, "I need you to bring me a 3-inch-high bar seat."
"Why?" I asked. He replied, "I need a stool sample."
I like Peter Cottontail Beer the best.
It's made with extra hops.
The poor little bunny rabbit kept tripping and falling down.
He was having a bad hare day.
I hate having phone sex.
The screen gets all sticky and the phone gets stuck up my ass.
I have a female mannequin in my bedroom.
I just tell everyone my girl friend is a model.
Ask For More
Mystery Man
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2000
- Posts
- 15,877
mnbreastluver
Hands On Approach
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2013
- Posts
- 89,097
If you orgasm while walking, you're coming and going.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Anyone hear about the new movie called "Constipation"? Me neither, it hasn't come out yet!
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Years of arching ones back over a keyboard can lead to scrolliosis.
mnbreastluver
Hands On Approach
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2013
- Posts
- 89,097
Erectile dysfunction is like a boss battle that isn't too hard but still difficult to beat.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
What do you call Batman disguised as a pastry chef? The Crepe'd Crusader.
Similar threads
