Puns

[EmpressJosephine]

What do you call a woman purchasing a vibrator?

Buy-sexual.

 

[done_got_old]

I got a small ticket for speeding. It's fine with me.

 

[mnbreastluver]

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, "Beer please, and one for the road. "

 

[done_got_old]

Murder with knives is very messy, and I suggest not taking a stab at it.

 

[mnbreastluver]

A bullet does its job after it's fired

 

[done_got_old]

You heard about drug dealers being interrogated by the police? They do crack.

 

[done_got_old]

A split taxi fee is fare.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Want a lifelong career? Go into the funeral business. People are dying to help you succeed.

 

[angelofthenorth]

i went for a computer job -but I couldn't hack it!

 

[snexxer]

Apparently it costs £1,500,000 to climb Mount Everest...which in my opinion, is a bit steep.

 

[done_got_old]

The new jail tunnel was a runaway success

 

[snexxer]

Gullible spelled backwards is gullible

 

[mnbreastluver]

They say “Break a leg” because they want you to be in the cast.

 

[done_got_old]

A funny criminal is a silicon

 

[mnbreastluver]

Irony is getting pregnant on a pull out couch.

 

[done_got_old]

Murder with knives is very messy, and I suggest not taking a stab at it.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Toasters are tanning beds for toast. They’re tanningbreads.

 

[done_got_old]

It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Before was was was, was was is.

 

[done_got_old]

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

 

[mnbreastluver]

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between me and you, something smells

 

[done_got_old]

Undertakers after a hard day's work are dead tired!

 

[done_got_old]

The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed up with the hole business.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you failed to pay your exorcist, you could get repossessed.

 

[done_got_old]

Con game money is the grift of the grab.