Puns

[done_got_old]

It's been my life long vision to become an optometrist, but I just couldn't see a way to make it happen.

 

[mnbreastluver]

People that got dumped by astronauts shouldn’t feel bad. It wasn’t that they were a bad partner. They just needed space.

 

[done_got_old]

The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.

 

[mnbreastluver]

When you take care of a chicken you become a chicken tender

 

[Ask For More]

I thought French Fries came from France, but they're actually cooked in Greece.

 

[done_got_old]

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Expiration dates are the original spoiler alerts

 

[done_got_old]

What do you call a charitable person in Portland?

An Oregon donor!

 

[mnbreastluver]

By using a lawnmower, you become a lawnmower.

 

[done_got_old]

You know the problem with grapes these days. People just aren't raisin them right.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Can February March?
No, but April May.

 

[TheYoungGentleman]

That moment when you are gossiping with a barista, and they spill the beans.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Robber: Hands up! Give me all your money or your geography!
Cashier: Dont you mean history?
Robber: Dont change the subject.

 

[DarkSimian]

If you donate money to the sports team, are you an athletic supporter?

 

[done_got_old]

Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.

 

[mnbreastluver]

When someone tells you to stop horsing around they’re actually telling you to be stable.

 

[done_got_old]

Pigs flying is an example of swine flew.

 

[done_got_old]

Lifelong counterfeiters never make any real money.

 

[mnbreastluver]

When you’re a sperm cell in your dad’s balls your life is in a nutshell.

 

[mnbreastluver]

*bump*

Taking Viagra by mistake is a lesson you learn the hard way.

 

[Ask For More]

I thought today was Pie day, but it's just 3.14

 

[Devlishone4fun]

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

 

[done_got_old]

I'm really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Sign language is the least spoken language in the world.

 

[done_got_old]

People in medieval days were always hanging out by the gallows.